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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be baffled by 'health martyrs'

29 replies

Lifeissweet · 05/08/2011 19:52

Bit of a whinge and I know IANBU, but if any health martyrs out there want to take me on I'm game!

I am pregnant at the moment and it's complicated. I have to inject myself everyday to prevent a DVT and, today, I had to go to the doctors to get antibiotics for an infection.

DP is what I call a 'health martyr' he's one of those 'I've never taken a day off work even when I was dying' because 'there's no point in feeling sorry for yourself, you just have to get on with it'. He regularly boasts about when he had appendicitis and was in his hospital bed on his mobile making plans to meet up with friends that same night.

He thinks I'm soft because I seem to be backwards and forwards to the doctor's at the moment. He keeps telling me that he hasn't been near a doctor's surgery for years

I am not a hypochondriac or one of the 'worried well', but I do take responsibility for my health (and my unborn DC) and will get help when I'm obviously ill. I don't see how that makes me weak!

Rant over.

OP posts:
dexter73 · 05/08/2011 19:53

I'd give him a medal for being such a hero Hmm

hiddenhome · 05/08/2011 19:56

I am a health martyr because nothing in the house would get done if I took to my bed Hmm I dread becoming ill and I also get hassle from my place of work if I take time off.

Poweredbypepsi · 05/08/2011 19:56

My dh used to be like that until he actually got I'll, refused to go to the doctor for months (because he is too tough for that you know) and ended up ten times worse as a result. People like that get their lesson.

Btw if your dp is being like this because of an illness you are dealing with as a result of carrying his child - he needs to get a grip!

AgentZigzag · 05/08/2011 19:58

My DH is the same! Although he doesn't expressly come out with 'you're weak if you're ill' it's kind of implied by his lack of care if I am ill.

But he generally doesn't get sick, so I reckon it's because he lacks empathy rather than just being a twat about it.

He's a bit better now I've had a bloody good word with him several times he's aware he does it, having tonsillitis after me helped Grin

AgentZigzag · 05/08/2011 20:01

If it is empathy Poweredbypepsi, it's pretty difficult for them to get it about pregnancy Grin

It's easy to minimise other peoples pain when you can't feel it yourself though, you see it with a lot of things.

BulletWithAName · 05/08/2011 20:01

Hmmm...the hypochondriac types annoy me a hell of a lot more than health martyrs to be honest. I'd rather someone like that than someone like my mother, grandmother and DP's grandad who are convinced every blemish they have is skin cancer, or every cold is advanced pneumonia. Does my head in!

Original poster
Lifeissweet · 05/08/2011 20:03

The thing is, I seem to attract this, as my ex was similar, except that he wasn't really a hero. He would whinge about dying and take to his bed, but not actually seek any medical assistance, which used to drive me round the bend. If your sick, stop whining and get some drugs or something! It's what they are for!

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 05/08/2011 20:03

any martyr is annoying but nothing is more annoying that a mummy martyr

Original poster
Lifeissweet · 05/08/2011 20:06

Bullet - completely. That is also annoying. I know several people like that too. I also have a cousin who is genuinely sickly and always has been. She doesn't complain, but she is always ill, so it is quite difficult to keep up the sympathy.

However, I still don't think a refusal to visit a doctor or take care of your own health is not a thing to boast about.

OP posts:
worzelswife · 05/08/2011 20:07

I bloody hate people like that. I really do. I have a fairly invisible disability (M.E) and mentioning it does seem to trigger that kind of response in some people, because some they seem to think that they're much stronger than me and if they had it, they'd be absolutely fine with a bit of mental strength and a good brisk walk. They have absolutely no bloody idea how horrendous it is and can be.

Nothing soft about you if you're injecting yourself every day. Quite right too that you should take care of yourself too.

I agree with pepsi, too. Ignore something and it can get ten times worse so health martyrs don't always help themselves.

Original poster
Lifeissweet · 05/08/2011 20:07

Was that aimed at me, Freudian?

OP posts:
worzelswife · 05/08/2011 20:09

'I also have a cousin who is genuinely sickly and always has been. She doesn't complain, but she is always ill, so it is quite difficult to keep up the sympathy'

Hmm charming. Have you thought about how that must feel to her? It is ten times easier to 'keep up the sympathy' than to be someone chronically ill, trust me on that one.

tethersend · 05/08/2011 20:11

"He keeps telling me that he hasn't been near a doctor's surgery for years"

When he can grow another human being inside him, then it's a fair competition. In the event of this actually happening, he may feel the need to visit the GP once in a while.

AgentZigzag · 05/08/2011 20:11

It's the way you tell hypocondriac types you've been really ill with something, and they turn it round into telling you when they had it it was far worse than your minor experience Grin

NorfolkNChance · 05/08/2011 20:14

What worzel said (another ME sufferer here so immune system is shot to pieces so always appear sick too)

FreudianSlipper · 05/08/2011 20:16

no :)

i was meaning the ones i went through labour with no pain killers even though i thought i was going to die through pain, i b/f until i passed out in pain, i have not slept for 20 days but my bubba is happy so i am a happy mummy, i grew the veg, used my own poo as manure and made all my own purees because anything bought is not good enough for my likkle bubba

that type

BulletWithAName · 05/08/2011 20:17

However, I still don't think a refusal to visit a doctor or take care of your own health is not a thing to boast about.

No, of course, that would grate on me too!

Original poster
Lifeissweet · 05/08/2011 20:23

I'm so sorry. Worzel. I really didn't mean to offend you at all. I know it's awful for her and I love her and it has truly ruined her day to day life since she was in her mid teens (she's in her late 20s now). I really didn't mean that how it came out. I can't apologise enough. Of course I don't run out of sympathy. I just meant expressing it all the time - I kind of want to talk to her about things other than her health because I think it's upsetting for both of us and her illness is not who she is, but something she has to live with. Sorry again!

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 05/08/2011 20:26

I'm a bit of a health martyr, tbh Blush My DH says that no-one in our house is allowed to be ill. In my defence, my mum was ill for many years, with a crippling illness (lupus) and battled on working full time until it became impossible. So when I was growing up, every illness that I had seemed trivial compared to her pain (not that she wasn't sympathetic, I just always felt guilty about being at all unwell, when she was so much worse and not complaining)

When she was alive, my life revolved around doctors and hospitals and illness, so I hate to let illness into my life again, and I admit I can be less than sympathetic to DH and tend to just feel I should get on with it if I am not 100%.

Having said that, if you need medical attention, you should go get it, and it sounds like you are looking after yourself properly, OP. I never put off getting help, because I want to be well ASAP, iyswim. I do find it irritating when my dad moans to me about things but won't go and get them checked out, thereby worrying me and not doing anything to help himself!

worzelswife · 05/08/2011 20:34

Thank you life. Smile And don't worry! I think you kind of hit a nerve as I have the most awful cousins who are all health martyrs and find little ways to dig at me that they are strong and healthy and keep going when they're ill. They have no idea at all what I've been through.

And anyway you're kind of right, it can get hard to always be sympathetic when someone is always ill, however genuinely they are ill. And it is good to change the subject occasionally when you're chatting because as you say the illness is not who someone is. It can do me the world of good to have a good gossip about everything other than my health.

Original poster
Lifeissweet · 05/08/2011 20:44

Freudian - I know exactly what you mean. My MIL gave birth to all 5 of her boys on her kitchen floor with no medical assistance, just their father to 'catch' them. I always tell he she was very lucky that nothing went wrong. I know it's not an illness, and your body doing what it was designed to do, but that doesn't mean it's straighforward. She's so bloody judgemental about women who have CSs because 'I'd never have let a doctor near me'. Well...maybe you or your baby would have died then. Well done for having no medical supervision. Have a medal too.'

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeissweet · 05/08/2011 20:45

Oh - and apologies to you too, Norfolk. I know how hard it is and how little sympathy you get. I really do.

OP posts:
BulletWithAName · 05/08/2011 20:47

She's so bloody judgemental about women who have CSs because 'I'd never have let a doctor near me'.

Ha, I had a c-section at 2.32pm, was up, on my feet and doing everything for DD myself with no assistance 5 hours later and had no additional pain relief. Shove that one up your MIL's arse! Grin

Do I win a medal now? Pleeeaaaaseeeee?!

Original poster
Lifeissweet · 05/08/2011 20:51

bloody Nora, bullet, I think you just might! That actually is a kind of heroism. I would not bestow the mantle of 'health martyr' on you.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 05/08/2011 20:53

i stayed in a lovely dreamy morphine induced state after i had my c-section :) was agony once it wore off

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