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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go cold turkry with the dummy

39 replies

mtw · 21/07/2011 02:41

She's 4.5 Only has it at night. Loves it so much. We have been talking about saying good bye to it for months now and the time finally came. She is not taking it well. It has been 3 nights, Normally she goes off to bed great, but now there is tears and she is coming into my room at night and getting very upset. I could give in - but then what?? We had a big deal saying goodbye to it and she got a gift for being a big girl but now she wants to give the gift back and just have her dummy back. Should i stick to my guns or relent and give it to her. Has anyone had experience of this and when will she accept that is has gone??

OP posts:
Original poster
mtw · 21/07/2011 02:41

cold turkey ( sp ) sorry...

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 21/07/2011 02:45

I would stick to your guns, it will not last forever and she will forget. It was my son who was the worst, took ages to settle himself, I just had to stick it out (bloody exhausting though!) m girls however, just said goodbye and that was it.
Stick with it OP, she will come round :)

Original poster
mtw · 21/07/2011 02:48

Thanks - do you remember HOW many nights with your son? Can you see I am desparate!!

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/07/2011 02:50

If she comes into your room tonight have her in bed with you to see if that settles her. If not, take her back to her room, take the gift back, and give her the dummy.

You can always try again in a month or so following the tried and tested advice that you'll get later today.

snippywoo2 · 21/07/2011 02:53

Stick to your guns, at her age she really is to old to have a dummy. You should have got rid of it at 3yrs at the latest.

Original poster
mtw · 21/07/2011 02:54

Really izzy - give it back to her? Oh no!! I am so unsure!!

OP posts:
snippywoo2 · 21/07/2011 03:00

No way have her in your bed ,your replacing one thing with another! At a later date you will be back on here asking how to get her out of your bed. If you take the gift back and give in she will then very quickly learn if she plays her face you will give in. Stand strong at 4.5 she is old enough to understand that no means no.

snippywoo2 · 21/07/2011 03:27

One way you could tackle it is ask her what her school friends would say if they found out she still had a dummy at bedtime, kids are very influenced by their peers.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/07/2011 03:50

Give it back if she wants it. Having a dummy does absolutely no harm if it's just at night time. I always wonder who parents are trying to impress when they do things like this. All you're doing is upsetting her over something of great importance to her. Would you take away a blanket or a bear?

snippywoo2 · 21/07/2011 04:17

A dummy is something you give/or not give to a 'baby' to give them comfort or keep them quiet depending on your veiw. To carry this on after that time is to keep said child in a baby state, how can that be right when the child is at school.

shemademedoit · 21/07/2011 06:30

Just to add that we managed to stop DS using a dummy aged 2 when he fell at nursery with it in and knocked his 2 front teeth out. Obviously this won't happen if it's just used at nights but I'd trade angry crying for his pained screaming every tine. Stick with it. Giving it back now would be doubly confusing. Good luck! Also she's 4: old enough to do without dummies and young enough that she'll never remember her cold turkey.

mumnotmachine · 21/07/2011 06:57

Stick with it- at 4 shes old enough to reason with.
If she "wins" this and gets her dummy back, she will realise she can get her own way with a tantrum- not good!

Is a hard mother and mine learnt from an early age that No meant No

NorksAreMessy · 21/07/2011 07:05

This may be a case of 'pick your battles'.

what are you really trying to achieve? Are you worried that she will still have a dummy at 18, or are have you decided that she 'shouldn't' have it? There are bigger things to fight over than a little night time comfort that helps everybody to sleeeeeep.

I am also a 'no means no' person, but I only said 'no' when I really really really meant it and could stand 100% by my decision.
When it came to my DS, this was NOT one of those times, and he stopped using a dummy in his own time (but helped with a bribe, as well :))

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/07/2011 07:21

Don't be silly snippy. At least find a decent argument.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/07/2011 07:23

Oh and "very upset" isn't a tantrum. Still, as long as she's young enough not to remember it eh? Hmm

HairyGrotter · 21/07/2011 07:29

I'm with NorksAreMessy. Pick your battles.

If the dummy is used only at night as a source of comfort then I can't see a problem, is it affecting her speech or teeth? If not, carry on. Seems fruitless to whip something away that is comforting just to save face or to feel better

valiumredhead · 21/07/2011 07:42

I agree with Norks

ErnesttheBavarian · 21/07/2011 07:57

I wouldn't let my dc have a dummy at this age. We went cold turkey with dd just before she turned 3. She wanted hers constantly, though she was perfectly happy to go without for the full day at nursery, the minute she came out to the cloakroom she was rummaging for her dummy. It was just habit but clearly fine without.

So we decided to do away with it. I had been putting it off for ages, dreading the fuss and drama, but she got over it really quickly, say 3 days. And surprisingly, we stayed with sill v shortly after, and dn is addicted to his dummy (usually has 2 clipped to him and one in hand) and they were lying all over the floor etc and not once did she reach for one or say she missed hers or anything.

Actually I agree to a certain extent with snippy. It is babyish and unnecessary. I wouldn't want my dc to be sucking thumb or similar at this age. Is the dummy in all night? I can't believe it is in no way detrimental.

Mind you, what we did, following research on MN, I cut down the side seams of the dummies so they were broken and didn't give her the satisfaction. She complained a bit about them being broken, but still soldiered on, then a couple of days later I just chucked them out and that was that.

Sounds a bit like a power battle now to me, so the posters saying pick your battles - well, maybe it is a battle worth fighting?

For you to decide. But like I said my dd was a hardened 24/7 (at home) dummy addict and she went cold turkey without too much drama.

Bubbaluv · 21/07/2011 08:11

The thing is that the OP already did pick the battle, so to give-in now sends all the wrong messages to her DD.

OP you are almost certainly past the worst of it. Stick to your guns and be firm about it if need be. If you are wavering then just make sure there are no dummies in the house - saves cracking in a moment of weakness.

IME these habits are far easier to crack than you imagine they will be - you just have to push through the first few days of complaints and disruption.

SkelleyBones · 21/07/2011 08:19

Yep Cold turkey, we tried weaning my middle child off the bloody thing, when she got to 8 and was still having it for bed we just threw them all in the bin and put up with three nights of whimpering.

ImeldaM · 21/07/2011 08:31

Would agree with those who have said to keep at it. If its been 3 nights of misery then that will have been for no reason if you give it back.

My DS was very attached to his, probably until about 4 too, dont think it took too long, went cold turkey too, definitely less than a week.

It was affecting his teeth, his 'bite' was misaligned & found it hard with some foods, fine when he stopped using it. 4 too old, IMO, its not just a 'comfort' object like a teddy or blankie, its a fake nipple (!)

He became attached to a teddy instead, or several of his teddies, which I was happy with.

GingerWrath · 21/07/2011 08:39

DD was also only a night time user, she used to chew hers though, and once they had holes they weren't good enough for her. I just refused to buy any more, told her they were for babies and she was a big girl. She soon forgot about them and yours will too.

Witchofthenorth · 21/07/2011 08:55

Sorry mtw for not getting back sooner, if I remember correctly I had at least 4 or 5 nights of cold turkey with my son. Eventually he realised that mum was not going to get him another dummy from the drawer.
I would stick it out, it will be hard and I know everyone needs sleep, but she will forget that she needed a dummy to comfort her. Don't worry about her replacing the dummy for your bed just now, tackle one thing at a time, my 3 year old has replaced her dummy for my bed normally at two in the morning, hence the reason I was awake for your OP.

She doesn't need the dummy now, and she will go back to her own bed. ( I hope :) )

ppeatfruit · 21/07/2011 09:03

Yes YABU like GwendolinMary Norks and Hairy Grot say what's the big deal? Why are DCs not allowed comfort at bedtime? would you give up your cup of tea or coffee or glass of wine or fag?

If she starts to suck her thumb are you going to tie her hands down?

LadyThumb · 21/07/2011 10:26

She was settling at night, all night, and happy. Then you took away the dummy and she doesn't settle and comes into your room. Jeeeeez, WHY do people do this? Masochists? Sadists? She 4.5, still very young. And I fully agree with ppeatfruit !!