to think it's out of order to change a child's name when you split up?

[yankiedoodledandy]

DB and ex SIL split last year after 7 years of marriage. They married young (her idea), had DN youngish (her idea) and now she decides to leave DB and run off with an old boyfriend taking DN with her. Fair enough that happens to lots of couples, but she has now officially changed surname of DN (aged 4) to make it double barrelled to include her maiden name which she's gone back to. Obviously I am biased but just feel that the poor child is confused enough with being uprooted from her home (changing nursery in the process) and with the whole split without also having her identity changed. AIBU or do lots of people do this? I have plenty of friends and family who have split from partners but none have done this to their children.

[Bandwithering]

JUST to give you another perspective.

I would love to change my children's name from my x's to my sur name. It just doesn't seem right that they have the name of a man who was an arsehole to me and not a great father, he never contributes a red cent to us.

So I have to question WHY they should have his name. WHY should they?????

[ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch]

Yankie, I have already done that to my DS. And I'm still married! I followed the time honoured tradition of giving him my maiden name as a middle name, which also helped a lot when he was born as I got married while pg, so I used both my maiden and married surnames to keep continuity (double barrelled but not hyphenated), and it looked like he had the same.

When we emigrated, I stopped using my maiden name; but if we were to ever split up, and I went back to the UK with DS (can't see it happening, too evil) I would revert to using both surnames. I would never remove DH's surname from DS's though.

[Shakirasma]

Yankie you seem really bitter. I know you love your bro but nobody will thank you for getting involved.

Whatever you think you know, the lady in question is you DNs mother and for her sake you need to let it go.

As long as both parents look after the child properly that is all that you need to worry about.

And as others have said, you dont know what went on behind closed doors. An affair is never right, but is often a symptom of marital problems rather than the cause.

[Bandwithering]

MadYoungCatLady, my xmil saw bruises on my face, finger shaped bruises and yet she honestly believes I had "everything I wanted" with her son (I'll be the judge of that). I left because I was selfish and wanted an easy life. Well, yeah, life is easier now I'm not being verbally and physically and financially abused!! his mother still thinks I 'abducted' the kids out of spite and selfishness though. I think it is nearly impossible for family members to believe their son/brother is capable of being an abusive partner. OP, not saying your brother was abusive. Just saying, you can't be objective.

[Cocoflower]

madyoung & Band

If you ex was violent you can change your dc name through deed poll without his permisson. You simply need to write and email a letter explaining why you wont contact him for permissson as it would put you in a vunreable position.

[mamalovesmojitos]

YABU same thing happened to me. Only I was older and my entire surname was changed. Didn't bother me. Totally fair if your ds-in-law is simply adding to existing name. Can't see a problem .

[Bandwithering]

Can I really cocoflower? I can't prove he was violent though. Well actually, I had photos of my eye when it was all bloodshot after him attacking me, but my own solicitor told me that didn't prove anything. Just that I'd had a bloodshot eye once.

[Bandwithering]

I may look into this though.

[ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch]

Band, I think some people have more objectivity than your ILs, my BIL was in a relationship with a girl and he hit her. I don't know the girl, I wasn't even in the picture at the time, but I know that he hit her because his mum and DH have both told me. They have no trouble believing it - but that might be because they have both witnessed (and been subjects of) his physical violence. :(
I guess it's different when the abusive one is only abusive to their partner though - so much easier to blame the non-blood relative. Sorry that you had a horrible time and v. glad that you are away from the bastard now.

You too, MYCL - although I think I would probably have mentioned it to them anyway, because it would have sown a seed of doubt about his "perfection".

[MadYoungCatLady]

Band - your ex in-laws sound a lot like mine. I cannot for the life of me understand it - if my DB did something to his wife, I would be shocked and outraged at him. But I know if my ex's family ever found out they would just call me a liar on top of everything else they call me. ExH was horrified when I told him th next morning what he had done, but unfortunately because it stemmed from drinking, I doubt it will be the last time he hurts someone. Thats another thing that people do not take into account - how much a person can change once they have a drink inside them.
But then, his family also encouraged him to cheat on me, so it wouldnt surprise me if they knew and egged him on to go for me one night.

Coco - I never knew that! Who do I email, do you know? Thank you :)

[crispyseaweed]

Unfortunately she can do what she likes....name wise..
Plus, lets face it ( i know you think she is a cheeky .....) but at the end of the day its only a name ....When her son is older he can change it back if he wants to....

[aquashiv]

At four are they really bothered by their surname yet? I doubt the child really cares about it.

[Bandwithering]

my dc don't care about their sur name, but they get confused and sometimes think that mine is theirs. Especially as they only see MY side of the family and we all have the same sur name, so it's natural that they do identify with that sur name.

[MadYoungCatLady]

It seems this is really a personal issue with DB's ex, and you would like to have a good bitch about her?

[MadYoungCatLady]

Band for a while I did call my DS by what should be his biological surname, at pre-school etc. I think a lot of places will be quite understanding if you decide to change your DC's name, especially if you explain the situation.

[Cocoflower]

It says on deed poll site;

The only exception to this is where a mother wishes to change her child's name from the father's name where there is reported violence against the mother or abuse of the children by the father or where the father is in prison for a serious offence. Examples of situations where we will accept a Deed Poll application from a mother in such circumstances are:
Examples of situations where we will accept a Deed Poll application from a mother in such circumstances are:

The mother has fled the family home to escape violence or abuse from the father and is at risk or fearful of being located.
The mother is fearful of contacting the father because of past violence and abuse towards her or her children.
The father is in prison for a serious offence such as murder, rape or other sexual offence and the mother and children do not wish to be associated by name to the father.
Where there is a court order in force for no contact.


www.ukdps.co.uk/CanIChangeMyChildsName.html#Section4 go down to point no.7

[MadYoungCatLady]

I never reported the 'incident' but I have moved and do not want H knowing where I live, it may be worth me writing and giving it a go!

[Cocoflower]

I would try it for sure. Its quite hard to prove violence isn't it because often there is no witness.But you would fall under the "The mother is fearful of contacting the father because of past violence and abuse towards her or her children" category anyway.

[MadYoungCatLady]

I asked DS last night - I explained that mummy was going to be called X, step daddy is called X, and the baby is called X, and if he ever feels he would like to be called X, we can call him that. He seems quite happy with his name, and as long as he is happy, I'm happy!

[FabbyChic]

I personally don't believe childrens names should be changed, my children have a different name to me always have had, I split with their dad 20 years ago, I would never have dreamed of calling them something else.

[Morloth]

Unless you actually lived with them full time and were with them every single moment they were together, you don't actually know anything about their relationship/split up.

I think it is fine that she has added her name to her child's name.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

Yabu, dn is too young to be aware of the name changePLO us she is only having her mums name added, not the fathers taken away. Plus your db agreed to it!

[HeadfirstForHalos]

Oh, don't know what happened there! It's meant to be plus.

[whackamole]

We have a similar problem with our DSS except my OH has not agreed to it. He has said he doesn't mind the double-barrelling as such, but he is NOT having his name removed!

If your brother agreed to it then really he was a bit silly if he now doesn't agree. But YANBU to be miffed about it!

[marriedinwhite]

My mother left my father when I was four months old. When I was almost five she remarried and my step father adopted me and I took his name (at the same time they deleted my middle name). I was always loved and cared for but I have resented it for my entire life (I am 50 now). My name was my name and they were not entitled to change it without my consent. They couldn't take away half of my gene pool and they had no right to try to wipe out my true identity in spite of the fact that my father was not a good man.