to think it's out of order to change a child's name when you split up?

[yankiedoodledandy]

DB and ex SIL split last year after 7 years of marriage. They married young (her idea), had DN youngish (her idea) and now she decides to leave DB and run off with an old boyfriend taking DN with her. Fair enough that happens to lots of couples, but she has now officially changed surname of DN (aged 4) to make it double barrelled to include her maiden name which she's gone back to. Obviously I am biased but just feel that the poor child is confused enough with being uprooted from her home (changing nursery in the process) and with the whole split without also having her identity changed. AIBU or do lots of people do this? I have plenty of friends and family who have split from partners but none have done this to their children.

[eurochick]

At 4 I can't see it being a significant (if any) problem for the child and it is reasonable for the mother to want to have the same name as her child. She is not removing your brother's name, just adding to it, so I really don't see the problem.

[Awordinedgeways]

*this is not the case

[First post nerves!]

[Awordinedgeways]

Interestingly the government website mentioned earlier gives advice on how if the absent parent (ie father, lets be honest) does not consent then the court process can be used with double-barrelling used as a halfway house to eventual removal of the father's name.
(see note 11. Applying for a court order to change your child's name without the consent of the other parent).

Now there is a debate to be had about why children are traditionally given their father's name. However, that is the current cultural norm and so to be honest without a compelling reason (eg long term abandonment, DV etc) as a father I would (god forbid i was separated from them) feel (rightly or wrongly) any attempt to remove a father's surname as being an unfriendly act and an attempt to write the father out of the child's history.

I appreciate that is not the case with in the original post.

[sunshineandbooks]

I don't think this it too bad. It would be wrong to change from one to the other, but adding an extra name doesn't seem that odd to me. I wish I'd double-barrelled my DCs names TBH. It's not that I want to diminish their father's connection to them because I don't, but because there is no reflection of my name in theirs, it feels like my own connection with them is diminished IYSWIM. I do get fed up of being called Mrs XXX simply because that's my children's name, when I never actually changed my own.

[thursday]

i dont really see it as a problem. she's added herself in there, not removed him and he agreed to it. my DS is 4 and i think he'd be able to grasp why it happened if we split up. we only got married last year and he understood me changing my name to match him. if i were her i'd be thinking ahead to if i had more children with someone else, i wouldnt want the kids surnames to all be different as someone i know has 4 kids and all 5 of them have different surnames. double barrelling makes sense there (though i dislike it as a rule)

a friend of mine at school's mum got remarried and changed their surname to her new husbands :-/ i found that really peculiar, her dad was very involved in her life but surely must have agreed to it? then when she divorced husband mark II she changed back to her dads name again.

[willowstar]

my mum and dad divorced when I was about 4. I could
never understand why my mum kept my dads name (still has it at 61). I always wanted her to go back to her maiden name and change ours too.

[marriedinwhite]

My mother left my father when I was four months old. When I was almost five she remarried and my step father adopted me and I took his name (at the same time they deleted my middle name). I was always loved and cared for but I have resented it for my entire life (I am 50 now). My name was my name and they were not entitled to change it without my consent. They couldn't take away half of my gene pool and they had no right to try to wipe out my true identity in spite of the fact that my father was not a good man.

[whackamole]

We have a similar problem with our DSS except my OH has not agreed to it. He has said he doesn't mind the double-barrelling as such, but he is NOT having his name removed!

If your brother agreed to it then really he was a bit silly if he now doesn't agree. But YANBU to be miffed about it!

[HeadfirstForHalos]

Oh, don't know what happened there! It's meant to be plus.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

Yabu, dn is too young to be aware of the name changePLO us she is only having her mums name added, not the fathers taken away. Plus your db agreed to it!

[Morloth]

Unless you actually lived with them full time and were with them every single moment they were together, you don't actually know anything about their relationship/split up.

I think it is fine that she has added her name to her child's name.

[FabbyChic]

I personally don't believe childrens names should be changed, my children have a different name to me always have had, I split with their dad 20 years ago, I would never have dreamed of calling them something else.

[MadYoungCatLady]

I asked DS last night - I explained that mummy was going to be called X, step daddy is called X, and the baby is called X, and if he ever feels he would like to be called X, we can call him that. He seems quite happy with his name, and as long as he is happy, I'm happy!

[Cocoflower]

I would try it for sure. Its quite hard to prove violence isn't it because often there is no witness.But you would fall under the "The mother is fearful of contacting the father because of past violence and abuse towards her or her children" category anyway.

[MadYoungCatLady]

I never reported the 'incident' but I have moved and do not want H knowing where I live, it may be worth me writing and giving it a go!

[Cocoflower]

It says on deed poll site;

The only exception to this is where a mother wishes to change her child's name from the father's name where there is reported violence against the mother or abuse of the children by the father or where the father is in prison for a serious offence. Examples of situations where we will accept a Deed Poll application from a mother in such circumstances are:
Examples of situations where we will accept a Deed Poll application from a mother in such circumstances are:

The mother has fled the family home to escape violence or abuse from the father and is at risk or fearful of being located.
The mother is fearful of contacting the father because of past violence and abuse towards her or her children.
The father is in prison for a serious offence such as murder, rape or other sexual offence and the mother and children do not wish to be associated by name to the father.
Where there is a court order in force for no contact.


www.ukdps.co.uk/CanIChangeMyChildsName.html#Section4 go down to point no.7

[MadYoungCatLady]

Band for a while I did call my DS by what should be his biological surname, at pre-school etc. I think a lot of places will be quite understanding if you decide to change your DC's name, especially if you explain the situation.

[MadYoungCatLady]

It seems this is really a personal issue with DB's ex, and you would like to have a good bitch about her?

[Bandwithering]

my dc don't care about their sur name, but they get confused and sometimes think that mine is theirs. Especially as they only see MY side of the family and we all have the same sur name, so it's natural that they do identify with that sur name.

[aquashiv]

At four are they really bothered by their surname yet? I doubt the child really cares about it.

[crispyseaweed]

Unfortunately she can do what she likes....name wise..
Plus, lets face it ( i know you think she is a cheeky .....) but at the end of the day its only a name ....When her son is older he can change it back if he wants to....

[MadYoungCatLady]

Band - your ex in-laws sound a lot like mine. I cannot for the life of me understand it - if my DB did something to his wife, I would be shocked and outraged at him. But I know if my ex's family ever found out they would just call me a liar on top of everything else they call me. ExH was horrified when I told him th next morning what he had done, but unfortunately because it stemmed from drinking, I doubt it will be the last time he hurts someone. Thats another thing that people do not take into account - how much a person can change once they have a drink inside them.
But then, his family also encouraged him to cheat on me, so it wouldnt surprise me if they knew and egged him on to go for me one night.

Coco - I never knew that! Who do I email, do you know? Thank you :)

[ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch]

Band, I think some people have more objectivity than your ILs, my BIL was in a relationship with a girl and he hit her. I don't know the girl, I wasn't even in the picture at the time, but I know that he hit her because his mum and DH have both told me. They have no trouble believing it - but that might be because they have both witnessed (and been subjects of) his physical violence. :(
I guess it's different when the abusive one is only abusive to their partner though - so much easier to blame the non-blood relative. Sorry that you had a horrible time and v. glad that you are away from the bastard now.

You too, MYCL - although I think I would probably have mentioned it to them anyway, because it would have sown a seed of doubt about his "perfection".

[Bandwithering]

I may look into this though.

[Bandwithering]

Can I really cocoflower? I can't prove he was violent though. Well actually, I had photos of my eye when it was all bloodshot after him attacking me, but my own solicitor told me that didn't prove anything. Just that I'd had a bloodshot eye once.