or is my dad regarding fathers day gift?

[Spuddybean]

Quick back story. I have been with my DP for 2 years. My parents though have only seen him 4 times in this period. This is mainly due to the fact that my DP is allergic to dogs and my parents have 2 very furry big beasts! My parents want everyone to come to them and if you don't then you just don't see them. We live outside London so a day visit is difficult and i don't drive. I have had my hours reduced at work and a large pay cut and my contract ends next month with no job to go on to.
Anyway..i got a deal on a stay in a lovely hotel somewhere halfway between where we both live (an hour drive for each party). 1 night, cream tea, 3 course meal and brekkie for £89 per couple.
SOoooo i sent the link to parents and said to dad that for fathers day i would pay for us all to go to the hotel for a night. He said he'd rather have the money and go somewhere he wanted to go.
I know it is HIS gift and he should have what he wants but i feel hurt and also now he is expecting £89 for him to spend on himself. I would never normally pay that for a fathers day gift and it was only tied into fathers day as a suggestion.
I genuinely am torn as to whether iabu.

[Spuddybean]

Fake - yep we're still going! and yes they were bad parents and yes as adults we get on differently.

I am still looking forward to it and i feel okay about dad saying no now.

[Beamur]

Your Dad really takes the biscuit!
How rude and inconsiderate to reject your offer yet expect you to give him money to go somewhere else.
However, I have a Dad made from a similar mould and I know only too well how pointless getting upset about it is.
FWIW my Dad does not even get a card, I refuse to acknowledge Fathers Day.

[Spuddybean]

diddl - i think this a present viewing difference. I expect to get what i want for a present - i mean what would be the point of someone giving me a present i dont like if it's meant to be for me?

I know the thought that counts etc but i find an ill thought thru pressie worse than no pressie at all!

My exH mum once gave me a plastic fake delph shoe ornament - i'm not sure what she was trying to say about me!

[Spuddybean]

Thanks tho everyone for the support.

[diddl]

But he´s a grown man & should be able to accept just a card/visit/token present for Fday.

But to ask for the money to use elsewhere-therefore not having to see you(?) is rude beyond belief imo.

[mumtotherescue]

I think your thought was lovely and generous. I also think he is very lucky to have such a kind thoughtful person like you in his life. Sorry, but what an ungrateful man he is. I would send him a card and spend the money on someone who appreciates your kindness.

[Spuddybean]

Yeah i know diddl. He wont see it like that tho, it will be a binary thought process, DD is giving me a present, i want to go there, so i'll ask for that.

I will not suggest anything else, as i said earlier i make my decisions, like on my bday this year i said i wanted to go to british museum and for a few drinks in town, dad didn't want to so i said fine don't come. when he realised i wasn't going to change it he came and we all had a lovely time.

I have learned that i am the parent in the relationship!

[diddl]

I suppose most of us are wondering how he could not be bowled over at such a generous/thoughtful offer for Fday.

[Spuddybean]

My family aren't thoughtful, everyone gets given money. It is only me who put effort in. I am quite imaginative and i really enjoy thinking about others and planning. But i do know a lot of others aren't but i dont want to go down a bitter route of changing myself for the worse just to compete.
I would miss the enjoyment i get from the planning. And now i am planning it as a nice surprise for my DH. I wont tell him where it is and will just direct him in the car and enjoy the look on his lovely face when we pull up!

[Spuddybean]

two -yes i think so, i'll have to dig out my saucy undies

[squeakytoy]

Spuddy, I would concentrate your life on your husband, as he sounds like the most appreciative and decent bloke in your life.

Sod your father, he sounds quite happy in his own self-centred little world. :(

It isnt a case of lack of thoughtfullness on your fathers part, it is a complete and utter selfish twat syndrome who thinks the world should revolve around him and him alone.

My husband has 3 grown up kids, and I just read out bits of this thread to him. He was astounded. He is more than happy with a phone call on Fathers Day, and certainly doesnt expect expensive gifts.

I grew up in the 70's, and what you describe as your childhood certainly wasnt the norm. Yes, as kids we had a lot more freedom and roamed around from dawn til dusk in the school holidays, but nobody I knew had to wait for meals til well past bedtime, or stay in alone because their parents were in the pub. :(

I am glad for you that it isnt causing a bitterness, but feel for you that your parents were so bloody uncaring. :(

[mrsbiscuits]

Yes I too am a product of 70's 80's childhood and there are very few similarities between the way your parents and mine behaved. I think as others have said you are better off sending a card and leaving it at that. My IL's have a similar attitude to being "visited" as opposed to "visiting" and I used to jump through hoops to try and make it happen ( for my DS's mainly) I got fed up with it and now don't bother and as a result MIL hasn't seen either of my 2 in 2 years !

[Spuddybean]

Hi squeaky - i spent my teens and my 20's very angry and moved out when i was 16. I've come out the other side and feel healthier for it. I usually find his behaviour quite humorous as it is so outrageous.
Also if i got angry it would mean that he still had power over me, which he doesn't. The roles are now reversed and they need me more than i need them. I pick and choose my level of contact and if they ever need care i will not feel a bit guilty about putting them in a home.

[supergreenuk]

I am gob smacked by his behaviour but very impressed by your respect for your parents. After all we cannot change them.

[HansieMom]

To Spuddy, his attitude is shocking. He takes self-centeredness to new heights.

But I think your attitude to presents is strange. Presents are gifts. They are surprises that the giver buys hoping you will like it. Sometimes people are spectacularly succesful at choosing, othertimes not.

In the family I grew up in, I got strange gifts, but we never returned gifts. I'm still puzzled about the rocking chair my mom gave me when I turned 16, fifty years ago.

My sons were free to return gifts. I never return anything. It may never get used though.

However, some of my sons and DILs give out lists of gift suggestions, which I may or may not follow depending on my inclinations. This past Christmas I did use a couple of lists, as weather was bad, and ordering from amazon was easy as can be.

Sons and spouses all merrily return things that they don't want. Hmmph!

It seems I have got off on a tangent here. You do seem to have lost out on the parents lottery, and your child will have scarce (if interesting) grandparents.

[squeakytoy]

I admire you Spuddy, you sound like a truly lovely person. :)

[ruddynorah]

please don't send the twenty quid. card yes, money no. he does not deserve your generosity. spend the money on yourself. you sound like a lovely person. you do not need selfish nasty people like your dad spoiling things.

[Spuddybean]

Cheers squeaky-im no mother theresa tho! i have defo had my past moments! - Another reason i am this way tho is that because of my DP's parents and lack of siblings and my distant half sister, it still means my dc's (when they come along) will have some family in their lives. My parents actually are brill grandparents to my nieces and i so do want my children to have that too (my gp's were/are awful to me - why my parents are too i suppose). By having them in my life i am doing the opposite of what they did - i am putting my (as yet) unborn dc's needs first.

[Spuddybean]

Hansie - i know what you mean, however, i would never return a gift and am always gracious when receiving some of the more bizarre ones. What i find annoying tho with pressies is i am such an easy person to buy for, i love art and reading, books are always a joy to me and everyone who knows me knows this. When i question the intent of the giver is when (like with my exMiL) everyone gets a thoughtful pressie and i get a wrapped up pocket pack of tissues at xmas! I do think if it's the thought that counts you should actually put a bit of thought in in the first place!

Maybe i'm a bit selfish tho

[realhousewifeofdevoncounty]

Your Dad sounds very selfish and ungracious, but I just have to say that for some reason, some men have a different view of gifts sometimes. My mum loves thoughtful gifts, and cards with mushy words - whereas my Dad likes gifts he really likes, and doesn't pretend to like something if he doesn't! I remember one year at xmas I gave him an insulated mug as and extra, I had bought him another expensive "main" present but he absolutely loved this mug as it meant he could take his tea to work with him - and he made no secret about being a bit "meh" about the expensive gift- if not to just save my feelings! Still uses it and goes on about it to this day - it cost about 3 quid!

This year for his 50th I didn't have a clue what to get him, but in the end I got him a sundial to put on the wall of his allotment shed, as when I was little we used to watch the shadow on the roof of the house opposite to tell when it was time to go to bed (a little trick by him as it meant in the winter it was about 3pm!). When he opened it and I explained he just looked a bit ...

But, he is a lovely dad and would never expect anything expensive or cash, and would be just as happy spending a bit if time with me instead of getting a gift on Father's Day.