or is my dad regarding fathers day gift?

[Spuddybean]

Quick back story. I have been with my DP for 2 years. My parents though have only seen him 4 times in this period. This is mainly due to the fact that my DP is allergic to dogs and my parents have 2 very furry big beasts! My parents want everyone to come to them and if you don't then you just don't see them. We live outside London so a day visit is difficult and i don't drive. I have had my hours reduced at work and a large pay cut and my contract ends next month with no job to go on to.
Anyway..i got a deal on a stay in a lovely hotel somewhere halfway between where we both live (an hour drive for each party). 1 night, cream tea, 3 course meal and brekkie for £89 per couple.
SOoooo i sent the link to parents and said to dad that for fathers day i would pay for us all to go to the hotel for a night. He said he'd rather have the money and go somewhere he wanted to go.
I know it is HIS gift and he should have what he wants but i feel hurt and also now he is expecting £89 for him to spend on himself. I would never normally pay that for a fathers day gift and it was only tied into fathers day as a suggestion.
I genuinely am torn as to whether iabu.

[proudfoot]

Your idea sounds lovely and your dad sounds awkward and unreasonable.

[Mamaz0n]

I would send him a card and a CD.

HIBU

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

He wants money to go on a Father's Day outing without you?! Christ.

Forget even the cheap and nasty card.

[Spuddybean]

my mum has txted saying she would have really liked it and what a shame it is we cant go. she has tried to make me feel better by saying they will come and stay with us soon.

I feel a bit teary now. my DP and i are ttc and i am quite emotional. My DP's parents are mental and have banned me from their house and we are both only children (i have a half sister i rarely see) so we dont have much family and i just wanted everyone to get to know each other better before we have a dc.

Altho the way my dad behaves i think the less my DP see's of him the better! I also dont tell any of this to DP as i dont want any tension when they do see each other.

[Chundle]

Can I ask what would happen if u had dc and they were allergic to dogs! I hope u get it sorted families can be so difficult!

[hiddenhome]

Your mum and you and your DP should all go out somewhere together and just forget about your father.

He's not a narcissist is he? They do this type of thing

[AuntiePickleBottom]

who would of looked after the dogs over night if they did decide to go.

perhaps they took this into consideration, i know my IL will not leave the dogs for more than a couple of hours, as they need to go outside to do there business, fresh food and water ect

[TheMonster]

It sounds like a lovely idea and your father is being very ungrateful.

[realhousewifeofdevoncounty]

How rude of your Dad! A gift is a gesture, not a fixed-sum IOU! If he didn't want to go he should have politely declined and accepted whatever alternative gift you chose for him. Say to him, "Ok if you don't want go that's fine" and leave it at that! If he pesters you for his "pay-out" he is even ruder!

[cjbartlett]

could you just stay nearby them? in a b&b and go round for lunch? or go out for lunch?

[Spuddybean]

yes he is a text book narcissist, i have known this for years and had a turbulent relationship with him on and off. i know he wont ever 'get it' but sometimes it still upsets me.

They have friends locally who look after the dogs overnight. But they really don't understand why people wouldn't want an out of control enormous animal jumping up and sitting on them! I don't think they took that into consideration at all tho as where he suggested he would take them anyway.

If DC is allergic then i know we will hardly see them.

[realhousewifeofdevoncounty]

And FWIW, I am very allergic to cats. My parents and some other very good friends have them. I do still go to them sometimes and I try my best, but it makes for and incredibly unpleasant experience for me, I get so bunged up it gives me a headache and real fatigue, my eyes run and itch, my skin comes up in hives and my chest closes up and I become very wheezy. I can't help it, I wish I could (I actually love cats and would have one myself if I could), and I try to minimise the damage by taking antihistamines but this is not always possible, e.g. when I was pg. Your dp has my sympathies.

[Spuddybean]

cjbartlet - they live in an expensive area of london so i doubt we could. my DP couldn't even step into their house the way the dogs are. We couldn't go out to lunch as my dad refuses to eat in the day and says we are all greedy and fat for eating more than once a day.
He wont even go into somewhere with food and accompany people and not eat.
As a child i was kept up till 9 for dinner as he refused to eat before then and I have sat in countless bars on hols, starving till he would concede and allow us to eat at about 11pm

[GnomeDePlume]

TBH I wouldnt bother putting the money in the card. Your father will have got himself worked up that he is getting to stay somewhere else. Anything short of that will upset him so you might as well save the £20.

Gift horses and mouths. I would tell my children off for this so wouldnt tolerate it from an adult.

[diddl]

He sounds awful-sorry.

Can you just get your mum to go?

[HeidiKat]

Your dad sounds like an arsehole, I wouldn't send him anything.

Your last post about making you wait until 11pm to eat as a child has made me , what kind of parent doesn't put their child's needs first.

[realhousewifeofdevoncounty]

He sounds like a true charmer. I assume as he expects multiple high value presents from his children on special occasions, he has always lavished you with expensive presents too then?

[GnomeDePlume]

Fathers day is for being a nice father (according to my DH who is a nice father).

Given what you have said about him so far, does you father have any redeeming features?

From what you have said so far he isnt worth the card or the postage.

[VerintheWhite]

Put the money towards a break for you and your DP and foret the horrible git.

[penguin73]

If the issue in this is their reluctance to leave their dogs had you picked a dog friendly hotel? And you mention that he doesn't like to eat before 10pm yet have booked a meal (which presumably wont be serve that late). I can understand why you feel upset but your present doesn't really seem very suited to him.

[yomellamoHelly]

Call me a total killjoy, but why are you buying him a FD gift?
My take is that it's fine when you're a kid and he is parenting you, but when you become a grown up / move out / cease to rely on them for anything much they shouldn't expect to get something. (Me and dh don't for our respective parents and I wouldn't expect my kids to either.) And £20 is v generous. Kids make FD / MD pressies or spend a couple of quid on a bunch of daffs / bar of chocolate. Not anything big.

[lalabaloo]

I'm really sorry, I can see how upsetting this is for you. I don't think he even deserves your kind thoughts never mind a gift after the way he has treated you. Spend the money on a lovely time away for you and your DH, and just send him a card. If he gets grumpy explain that you would not usually spend that much on a gift, especially given current circumstances, and as he didn't appreciate the thought you didn't really want to get him something else. For what it's worth, DH's mother is very much like this when it comes to presents which has caused problems in the past for us, now he just sends her a card and a cheap box of chocolates, it's much easier!

[FakePlasticTrees]

Send a card. Job done. It's not like you're going to be seeing them all the time and they'll be an atmosphere.

Call your mum, invite her to come to stay on her own/come for a day out. Maybe on the Saturday so it's not linked to fathers day.

[diddl]

Having read about the not eating until he wanted to, I´d forget a card & a present tbh.

[olibeansmummy]

Just send a card, no present and if he asks where his present is tell him you offered and he turned it down. Then do something with your mum instead and leave him to it.