or is my dad regarding fathers day gift?

[Spuddybean]

Quick back story. I have been with my DP for 2 years. My parents though have only seen him 4 times in this period. This is mainly due to the fact that my DP is allergic to dogs and my parents have 2 very furry big beasts! My parents want everyone to come to them and if you don't then you just don't see them. We live outside London so a day visit is difficult and i don't drive. I have had my hours reduced at work and a large pay cut and my contract ends next month with no job to go on to.
Anyway..i got a deal on a stay in a lovely hotel somewhere halfway between where we both live (an hour drive for each party). 1 night, cream tea, 3 course meal and brekkie for £89 per couple.
SOoooo i sent the link to parents and said to dad that for fathers day i would pay for us all to go to the hotel for a night. He said he'd rather have the money and go somewhere he wanted to go.
I know it is HIS gift and he should have what he wants but i feel hurt and also now he is expecting £89 for him to spend on himself. I would never normally pay that for a fathers day gift and it was only tied into fathers day as a suggestion.
I genuinely am torn as to whether iabu.

[Al0uiseG]

Your Father is a selfish, self centred, rude, entitled nobber. Can you honestly not see that?

[Spuddybean]

My parents gloat and tell people they don't understand how anyone says having a baby changes your life, they say they never once changed any aspect of their lifestyle for me. They are very proud of this.
I was picked up by childminders after school till i was 11 when i could be left home alone. Mum would pick me up at about 7pm and dad would be in the pub till 9 (i would be tired and begging them to let me go to bed, but i learned not to do that too often as it made dad angry). Saturdays they sent me to sat school till 9-5pm (and let me be driven home by a drunk friend) so mum could clean the house without me under her feet. Sunday would be spent in the pub.
i feel like i'm being dramatic now but none of this is untrue. When i was 11 i was expected to be in the house alone all day. in the holidays (and this is so sad it's making me laugh pitifully) i used to call the talking clock just to hear someones voice!!

[Al0uiseG]

You were horribly neglected. Your parents didnt ever put themselves out for you, why on earth are you running around trying to please them

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

He sounds like a spoilt child.

Definitely don't send him the money. Would it be possible for your mum to come and leave him at home to dog-sit?

I didn't realise Father's Day was supposed to be such a big deal that presents were required. I always get my dad a card and he says "thanks, I didn't realise it was Father's Day today".

[Spuddybean]

Penguin - i suggested it as it is something he mentioned a while back so have been keeping my eyes open for deals.

[pink4ever]

If this is all true op then I am really failing to see why you would possibly want to maintain a relationship with two such horrible people(and I am including your mum in that).

[diddl]

OMG.

I´d be tempted to not bother with either of them.

It sounds as if they did nothing for you.

I mean, it´s not hard to feed your child at a different time to yourself FFS.

[LolaRennt]

Cash reward seriously? He can piss off

[MaxSchreck]

Oh, spuddy!


Come and share my dad instead.

[Spuddybean]

My father does have redeeming features which is why i make the effort. As a childish person he also has charming childish traits, he is clever, witty and funny. And the saddest thing is that i know that (apart from himself) he loves me more than anything. He brags about me constantly.

When i was a child it was a tough time some people aren't natural parents and have accepted that. When we see each other now we have a lovely time going to art galleries etc.

I still love them both dearly but i am under no misconceptions about their limitations.

[gordyslovesheep]

give him a card with a leaflet for a local kennels inside - he is being a silly man

[complexnumber]

Your dad is being the spoilt child!

(It appears pathetic.)

Has he always been like this, or is it a mode of behaviour that has been increasingly frequent.

[pink4ever]

Parents that love their children dont let them go hungry until they are ready to eat,they dont let them be driven home by "drunk friends",they dont sens them to "saturday school"(wtf?) and they dont leave them home alone all day every day in holidays. Thats not limitations spud-thats called being a pair of arseholes.

[Spuddybean]

cheers MAX i do have a friends dad i 'share' i even call him his full title which to me is 'my new dad j...M...'

[Spuddybean]

it was also how a lot of my peers were treated, not saying it's right, but 70s/80s did seem bizarre compared to how kids are treated today.

[kaid100]

YANBU, I think either send him a small gift or nothing at all.

[pink4ever]

Really? Well I was born in the 70's and have never heard of anyone being treated like that. If you are so willing to make excuses for them then perhaps you shouldnt then complain about their continued shitty behaviour?.
Btw why do your dps parents not like you?.

[diddl]

No, it´s how people with bad parents were & probably still are treated.

I think the fact that you make excuses & try to pander to him is really sad.

[Spuddybean]

I am not making excuses just saying it is something i have worked thru and accepted. However, since i have got older they have mellowed and i suppose as an adult relate to me totally differently more as a mate really.
It's not just me my DPs parent don't like anyone apart from him and no one speaks to them. They don't leave their house - they are paranoid. His mum has been institutionalised a few times and his dad is a nasty bully who doesn't want anyone on his property.

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

I was a kid in the 70s too and I accept that things were a bit different e.g. if my parents wanted to go to the pub they went to one they liked; if it had a 'family room' or a playground so much the better but they wouldn't go looking for one. I was expected to put up and entertain myself. Same in the school hols ? well, I wasn't left alone, but did used to go out to play all day and only come home when I was hungry.

But that's not the same as the way your parents treated you, OP. I agree it's important to accept that parents are just people and they make mistakes, otherwise you'd never move on, but there are limits.

Back to the point of the thread, being childish and ungrateful is not acceptable and I stick by my earlier post about not even bothering with a card. If your dad gives you grief about it, point out that you offered him a present/activity and he didn't want it.

[diddl]

"adult relate to me totally differently more as a mate really."

Except when he can´t have his own way?

In which case, nothing has changed.

[Spuddybean]

i dont think suggesting we all go to a hotel is 'pandering' i just thought it would be nice. I do not do what they want if it doesn't suit me and at times when i need to i keep my distance.
I am not going to write them out of my lives. Everyone i know had a similar upbringing - maybe in our neck of the woods it was considered normal and maybe that's why it isn't as much of a retrospective dealbreaker for me.
I can view it for what it was and know i will be different.

[FakePlasticTrees]

I'm another born in the 70s, and that's nothing like my childhood, or anyone I know. You have bad parents, that they have redeeming features to make you like them as adults doesn't change the fact that they are bad parents. Don't feel bad about this present - tell him you've decided not to bother with Father's day anymore. Maybe you and DP should do the night away and nice meal anyway. Spend the extra £90 on a fab outfit to wear!

[Spuddybean]

diddl - yes something has changed, i am autonomous now. when he behaves poorly i can leave. I can tell him it is unacceptable and i have boundaries that he knows not to cross.

[diddl]

"I know it is HIS gift and he should have what he wants"

That´s what I meant by pandering.

It´s Fday-not all that important (imo) in the great scheme of things & he should be grateful for any thought from you at all-especially after the childhood you had.