To ask inlaws not to smoke around my 10 week old DD in their own home...

[1Catherine1]

Going to stay with the inlaws for 2 weeks (I have no say in the matter) at the end of the month and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm a non smoker so the smell is awful to me but I grew up around smokers so I'm not rude about it. My OH smokes but not in the house and he isn't allowed to hold DD for at least half an hour after smoking.

Last time I visited the inlaws I barely ate anything as not only do they smoke but they smoke at the dining table which put me completely off my food but as it is their home I said nothing and just thanked them and told them I was full.

I don't like to make a fuss and if it is just me putting up with it then I'll shut up and bare it but it's bothering me because of my DD.

Would it be unreasonable for me to ask them not to smoke in the same room as my DD while in their home? Is it unreasonable to tell them not to hold the baby while they smell of smoke? Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

I can't speak to OH about this as he is convinced I hate his parents (I don't)... That is a whole different story but if I bring this up and I am being unreasonable then it will only reinforce his belief that I hate them IYSWIM

[KristinaM]

How sad that a mother who wants to protect the health of her children is seen as just being awkward. And that the feelings of grown adults are somehow more important than the health of small children

I'm amazed that peoples biggest worry about passive smoking is their children clothes. You can buy them new clothes, you cant buy new lungs and brains!!!!!! There is no evidence about a safe level of exposre to cigarette smoke for children. You may choose to believe that a few weeks or hours per week for years is safe but there is no scientific evidence to support that. Yes, there are many risks to our children that we can't control but this is a serious health risk that we CAN stop easily

here is a royal college of physicians report on Passive smoking and children published 2010

And yes I have relatives who smoke. But they do it outside, even in their own homes

[belgo]

Poor you, do you really have to stay with them? Can you stay for five days rather then 2 whole weeks? As a non-smoker myself I don't mind people who smoke on the street or in pubs but it would be my worst nightmare to stay in a smoker's house for two weeks, and very unfair on the newborn baby.

You may not hate them, but you obviously don't like them very much, and it will not help your relationship with them to be forced to stay with them for two weeks.

[Chandon]

Oh, this is tricky...

I never had the guts to ask my inlaws, but we suffered in silence and I just thought that a few smoky days a year would not harm the kids.

I really regretted not speaking up, as my DS1 developed asthma, and when he was 6 he once had a big bad scary coughing fit in the middle of the night after a very smoky day inside. "Lucky" it was PIL who woke up first and was very alarmed for DS. He asked me the next day if DS often has this. I said No, only if he has really overexerted himself or if he has been in a smoky environment. I did carefully mention that the smoke does not help.

I really really regret not piping up before.

But it is so hard!

Smokers are so blimming inconsiderate really.

I ended up visiting the ILs less and less. I love them, but we can't hack the smoke.

Like you I also go off my food once people start lighting up....

[ledkr]

Isnt i amazing how we tread on egg shells around smoking being harmfull to our babies for fear of upsetting family or friends but if they were doing anything else we didnt like we would be ok to say. I think its a case of the risks outweighing the possibility of causing offence,after all if they dont refrain they are not showing any consideration themselves.

[hester]

I reckon that everybody over the age of 25 who still smokes has to have built up layers of defensive attitudes and blind spots that enable them to keep doing so. They know it's lethal; they know it's anti-social; they know other people judge them for it. So they retreat into denial, and take it very badly if anyone calls them on it (even indirectly, just by politely asking that they curb it in certain situations).

Actually, I have a friend who has taken this to extremes. Very nice woman, highly educated, artistic, committed community organiser - just the sort you think wouldn't smoke. But she does, as does her dp. She smoked throughout all her pregnancies, smoked around all her children despite two of them having asthma and chronic lung infections.

Is she ashamed of this? Not one bit. She is assertive, aggressive even, in her insistence that the anti-smoking lobby is a conspiracy to deny poor people their only pleasure, that there is no good evidence that smoking is bad for your health, that smoking in pregnancy can be beneficial. While I was pregnant she actually tried to persuade me to take up smoking!

Last time i visited her smog-filled house (I haven't been there since I had my own children) her dp was rolling up garden grasses into Rizlas for the dc, on the grounds that they might as well start learning some basic skills... When he saw my face, he told me very defensively that this would make it LESS likely their dc would smoke tobacco.

So I do feel for you, OP. I think it is very likely that your ILs will not react rationally to a reasonable request. And it is interesting that your dp is still smoking - ok only in the garden, but the chemicals will linger on his clothes... does he have any intention of quitting or is he on the defensive too?

This is going to be an ongoing issue through your children's childhoods, so I think you might as well establish your bottom line now and stick to it, even though it won't be pretty.

[ElizabethDarcy]

This has been a bugbear for the last ten years with my in-laws. MIL smokes like there's no tomorrow, and even if she stands by the open door whilst I am in the room (I am a severe asthmatic), honestly, it makes little difference. The rooms and air is full of smoke and I have a terrible time when I visit. I have been seen as being 'difficult' and being a 'madam' since the very beginning. They want me to put up and shut up... to keep the peace. They're not around when I am up all night that night, battling to breathe :(

We don't have kids yet... when we do I have already said (to DH... and he agrees) they'd never be able to sleep over at theirs... which is such a shame really, as I do think they'd be good grandparents... but the smoke harm is there and I would be negligent as a parent to allow this.

I would not let my kids around my own father (RIP due to lung and liver disease due to smoking and drinking), were he drinking... so it's the same thing as not allowing them near others when they're smoking.

I am sick to death of tiptoeing around them, trying to not be seen as being 'difficult'. I cannot BREATHE for f*cks sake!!!

(gets off rant podium)

[TotallyLovely]

How does your DH feel about the people smoking around his baby?

If he thinks you hate his parents then you need to make sure you phrase it right like "I don't want cigarette smoke around the baby as it's dangerous, what shall we do about that" instead of "your parents are out of order with their disgusting smoking habit . . . " etc.

You need him on side so make the smoke and the health implications the issues and not actually his parents.

[ElizabethDarcy]

"I don't want cigarette smoke around the baby as it's dangerous, what shall we do about that"

I agree with this stance. Put the ball in his court. Honestly, so many husband's just don't have the balls to stand up to their parents... and hopefully this way, it coming from HIM, will make it easier for him when with them.

[LolaRennt]

YANBU,
but if you feel uncomfortable just blame someone else.

Sorry guys but the doctor says the baby shouldn't be around people while smoking, we'll just pop outisde thanks. Also the doctor says smokers should wash their hands before handling the baby. JUst to be on the safe side.

[SnuffleTurtle153]

YANBU, I smoke (but, as with your DP, I only nip out once DS is asleep, change my clothes and wash my hands afterwards, and don't hold him for half an hour afterwards if I can possibly help it) and so does the rest of my family. Obviously we don't smoke in the house but my sister and my dad smoke in theirs. When I take DS to see them they usually go outside to smoke but if they forget then I remind them, and remove DS from the room in question. I have a very chilled out, pleasant family though... And I have a very difficult relationship with my inlaws, so I can understand it would be awkward to ask them to do the same. However, I think you are going to have to, if they are really too thick to realise that it's not appropriate to smoke with your child in the room. Even better get your OH to ask them. She's his daughter too and if he understands that he needs to smoke outside at home then he must realise that his parents need to make similar allowances when you go to see them.

And by the way, 2 weeks with your inlaws? You are a saint.

[fuzzpigFriday]

I too am worried that you feel you have no choice in staying somewhere you don't feel comfortable when you have a tiny baby. What else is going on?

Has your OH tried giving up, BTW? Only smoking outside doesn't actually make that much difference to the risks to your baby, do you both realise that?

[ScroobiousPip]

Well, YANBU, but as the parents of a newborn you and your OH now have ultimate responsibility for your child's health. You know the dangers of passive smoking, you know the increased SIDS risk, you know that the chemicals from cigarettes can be passed from skin to skin by smokers (eg by PILs or your OH holding baby) as much as from the smoke.

The question is, are you going to live up to your parental responsibilities and protect your child?

[shirleyshortcut]

oh god i would hate this, all the smoke and chemicals going into your tiny baby's body. I think i would have to spend all day out and all evening upstairs

horrible :(

[TotallyLovely]

Yeah I agree with fuzz that smoking outside isn't anywhere as good as not smoking at all. When someone has been smoking the smell can be inhaled afterwards off their hair, clothes, breath, skin. It sticks everywhere, only smokers don't usually realise this as they can't smell it so much. Washing your hands afterwards is going to achieve next to nothing.

SnuffleTurtle153 Do you really change your clothes after EVERY fag? And wash (I assume that includes washing your hair), and not hold your baby for half hour after? How many do you smoke a day? I don't see how if you have any more the 2/3 a day this would be possible.

[shirleyshortcut]

YANBU, I smoke (but, as with your DP, I only nip out once DS is asleep, change my clothes and wash my hands afterwards, and don't hold him for half an hour afterwards if I can possibly help it) and so does the rest of my family.

wow you all change your clothes up to 20 times a day - wouldnt like your washing/ironing piles

[shirleyshortcut]

When someone has been smoking the smell can be inhaled afterwards off their hair, clothes, breath, skin. It sticks everywhere, only smokers don't usually realise this as they can't smell it so much. Washing your hands afterwards is going to achieve next to nothing.

agree, sometimes i gag when someone comes into my office who has "just been out for a fag"

[TotallyLovely]

SnuffleTurtle153 I don't understand how practically that would work. Unless you have a baby that sleeps all day? I found that my babies would cry for me everytime I had a wee, I couldn't wait until half hour after ever ywee before holding them again or feeding them, or take time out after the wee for a shower and changed of clothes. Really, I am interested in how this works.

[Happylander]

My MIL said she didn't smoke in the house, they did. My DH asked them not to when we were there. She still did. Asked her not to smoke in house again and she still did...thinks it's okay if the window is open...er not it's not! I've now put my foot down and said my DS is never going to their house again. Be firm and don't go and stay with relatives that you don't feel comfortable with. Two weeks with anyone with a newish baby would be a strain let alone ones you don't feel comfortable with.

[TotallyLovely]

Where have you gone OP?

[expatinscotland]

I wouldn't go.

I would never tell someone what to do in their own home. If I did not like how they behaved in their own home, I wouldn't go there and stay there for a fortnight. Ever.

My parents smoke. But they've smoked outside for years and wouldn't consider doing so with babies about.

[bluebobbin]

I wouldn't go. Absolutely crazy to take a 10 week old to live for 2 weeks in a house which is smoked in all the time.

Why don't you have any say? You're a grown up - you decide where you go and nobody else!

[TotallyLovely]

I'm guessing it's because they haven't met/spent any time with the baby yet and seeing as her DH thinks she hates his parents she has to go to keep the peace and keep him and them happy.

[begonyabampot]

Thank god my mum stopped smoking (about 2 packs a day) before my kids were born as she would have insisted on smoking in front of them and i wouldn't have let her see them. My MIL smokes but never in front of the children so is quite considerate.

This is something i wouldn't have compromised on but you have to bring it up as they might be ok with it.