To ask inlaws not to smoke around my 10 week old DD in their own home...

[1Catherine1]

Going to stay with the inlaws for 2 weeks (I have no say in the matter) at the end of the month and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm a non smoker so the smell is awful to me but I grew up around smokers so I'm not rude about it. My OH smokes but not in the house and he isn't allowed to hold DD for at least half an hour after smoking.

Last time I visited the inlaws I barely ate anything as not only do they smoke but they smoke at the dining table which put me completely off my food but as it is their home I said nothing and just thanked them and told them I was full.

I don't like to make a fuss and if it is just me putting up with it then I'll shut up and bare it but it's bothering me because of my DD.

Would it be unreasonable for me to ask them not to smoke in the same room as my DD while in their home? Is it unreasonable to tell them not to hold the baby while they smell of smoke? Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

I can't speak to OH about this as he is convinced I hate his parents (I don't)... That is a whole different story but if I bring this up and I am being unreasonable then it will only reinforce his belief that I hate them IYSWIM

[TeenieLeek]

OP, maybe he thinks that you have a problem with his parents because you haven't learned any Spanish to help you communicate directly with them? It sounds like he's done exactly the right thing about the smoking and that they are happy to comply, so why not take the opportunity to learn a bit while you are there.....after all, presumably your daughter will grow up speaking it and you wouldn't want to be left out of all the conversations between her and DP?

[1Catherine1]

Brought up the issue with OH - and he replied with "nobody is going to smoke in the house while we're there" he also added that the room we're staying in has never been smoked in. He made it quite clear that he would not tolerate it. Seems like he's covered it already but due to me not speaking Spanish I didn't know. All that worry for nothing...

I might still push him to giving up as someone on the thread pointed out - just going outside to smoke doesn't make it safe.

[FromThePeg]

Dear 1Catherine1

I think the person who suggested depersonalising it is very sensible - although never easy.

Try this one on them:
El riesgo a su bebé se aumenta si cualquier persona en la casa fuma, incluso si es en otro sitio, con una ventana abierta o con un ventilador o un ioniser.

[The risk to your baby increases if any person in the house smokes, even if it is in a different room, with an open window, or with a ventilator or ioniser. Translation courtesy of Babelfish ]

This is a serious issue, however, and you need to get it sorted. The child of my next door neighbour died of cot death - they were both smokers at the time - and 30 years later they have still not really got over it. As one of the major risks to your child, you can't ignore it. Could you point your DH to "neutral" (i.e. not anti-smoking) websites such as Babycentre or to the ISPID website, which is the international infant death website (and which is also categorical about not smoking). and they have a whole section on prevention.

Good luck

[cannydoit]

i smoke, wouldnt smoke around children though. went to visit my mum, she is a dyed in the wool smoker and she smokes around my kids would never think to ask her not to its her house after all and if i am not happy with it i dont have to go there.
you can say to you pil that quite simply not coming if you smoking round the baby.

[TotallyLovely]

SnuffleTurtle153 (mentioning very quietly) that it sticks to your hair and skin as much as your clothes and that actually to give it up (assuming you want to) psychologically you would need to stop thinking of it as a treat. Totally random I know.

[1Catherine1]

You lot should join the police force.... Had a busy day - just caught up with all your posts.

It is in fact abroad - it was supposed to be 1 week but OH booked the flights and took the cheaper tickets that made it in fact 12 days (so not quite 2 weeks but as good as). Unfortunately I don't have the finances to stay in a hotel in Barcelona and as much as I can refuse to go if I like I cannot forbid him to take our DD if he wants to so me refusing to go would achieve nothing apart from me not being there as the only non-smoker.

He thinks I have a problem with his family for stupid reasons such as me being unhappy that his parents came to visit when LO was 2 weeks old and then I got the responsibility for how they got from the airport to my house - in reality I was mad at him for this not them as they offered and he said it was ok, and I'd do it . There is also a little incident when LO was 6 weeks old and wasn't sleeping - after having 4 hours sleep over a whole weekend I was given some clothes for LO that I didn't say thank you for. Someone could have given me a thousand pounds at that point and I wouldn't have thanked them as the only thing I wanted was sleep I have tried to tell him this but he gets defensive when it comes to his family.

Thank you all for your suggestions - I will ask him what he thinks we should do about it and poke until I get my own way and remind him what the HV said. He can speak to them before we go. I needed to know I wasn't being unreasonable as I'm sure the inlaws will agree to any reasonable request - they are nice people unfortunately we don't speak the same language so it has to go through the OH.

[SnuffleTurtle153]

totally - 3 fags a day. Tis my treat to myself! (Don't remember claiming to shower between them... But yes, change of clothes!)

[begonyabampot]

Thank god my mum stopped smoking (about 2 packs a day) before my kids were born as she would have insisted on smoking in front of them and i wouldn't have let her see them. My MIL smokes but never in front of the children so is quite considerate.

This is something i wouldn't have compromised on but you have to bring it up as they might be ok with it.

[TotallyLovely]

I'm guessing it's because they haven't met/spent any time with the baby yet and seeing as her DH thinks she hates his parents she has to go to keep the peace and keep him and them happy.

[bluebobbin]

I wouldn't go. Absolutely crazy to take a 10 week old to live for 2 weeks in a house which is smoked in all the time.

Why don't you have any say? You're a grown up - you decide where you go and nobody else!

[expatinscotland]

I wouldn't go.

I would never tell someone what to do in their own home. If I did not like how they behaved in their own home, I wouldn't go there and stay there for a fortnight. Ever.

My parents smoke. But they've smoked outside for years and wouldn't consider doing so with babies about.

[TotallyLovely]

Where have you gone OP?

[Happylander]

My MIL said she didn't smoke in the house, they did. My DH asked them not to when we were there. She still did. Asked her not to smoke in house again and she still did...thinks it's okay if the window is open...er not it's not! I've now put my foot down and said my DS is never going to their house again. Be firm and don't go and stay with relatives that you don't feel comfortable with. Two weeks with anyone with a newish baby would be a strain let alone ones you don't feel comfortable with.

[TotallyLovely]

SnuffleTurtle153 I don't understand how practically that would work. Unless you have a baby that sleeps all day? I found that my babies would cry for me everytime I had a wee, I couldn't wait until half hour after ever ywee before holding them again or feeding them, or take time out after the wee for a shower and changed of clothes. Really, I am interested in how this works.

[shirleyshortcut]

When someone has been smoking the smell can be inhaled afterwards off their hair, clothes, breath, skin. It sticks everywhere, only smokers don't usually realise this as they can't smell it so much. Washing your hands afterwards is going to achieve next to nothing.

agree, sometimes i gag when someone comes into my office who has "just been out for a fag"

[shirleyshortcut]

YANBU, I smoke (but, as with your DP, I only nip out once DS is asleep, change my clothes and wash my hands afterwards, and don't hold him for half an hour afterwards if I can possibly help it) and so does the rest of my family.

wow you all change your clothes up to 20 times a day - wouldnt like your washing/ironing piles

[TotallyLovely]

Yeah I agree with fuzz that smoking outside isn't anywhere as good as not smoking at all. When someone has been smoking the smell can be inhaled afterwards off their hair, clothes, breath, skin. It sticks everywhere, only smokers don't usually realise this as they can't smell it so much. Washing your hands afterwards is going to achieve next to nothing.

SnuffleTurtle153 Do you really change your clothes after EVERY fag? And wash (I assume that includes washing your hair), and not hold your baby for half hour after? How many do you smoke a day? I don't see how if you have any more the 2/3 a day this would be possible.

[shirleyshortcut]

oh god i would hate this, all the smoke and chemicals going into your tiny baby's body. I think i would have to spend all day out and all evening upstairs

horrible :(

[ScroobiousPip]

Well, YANBU, but as the parents of a newborn you and your OH now have ultimate responsibility for your child's health. You know the dangers of passive smoking, you know the increased SIDS risk, you know that the chemicals from cigarettes can be passed from skin to skin by smokers (eg by PILs or your OH holding baby) as much as from the smoke.

The question is, are you going to live up to your parental responsibilities and protect your child?

[fuzzpigFriday]

I too am worried that you feel you have no choice in staying somewhere you don't feel comfortable when you have a tiny baby. What else is going on?

Has your OH tried giving up, BTW? Only smoking outside doesn't actually make that much difference to the risks to your baby, do you both realise that?

[SnuffleTurtle153]

YANBU, I smoke (but, as with your DP, I only nip out once DS is asleep, change my clothes and wash my hands afterwards, and don't hold him for half an hour afterwards if I can possibly help it) and so does the rest of my family. Obviously we don't smoke in the house but my sister and my dad smoke in theirs. When I take DS to see them they usually go outside to smoke but if they forget then I remind them, and remove DS from the room in question. I have a very chilled out, pleasant family though... And I have a very difficult relationship with my inlaws, so I can understand it would be awkward to ask them to do the same. However, I think you are going to have to, if they are really too thick to realise that it's not appropriate to smoke with your child in the room. Even better get your OH to ask them. She's his daughter too and if he understands that he needs to smoke outside at home then he must realise that his parents need to make similar allowances when you go to see them.

And by the way, 2 weeks with your inlaws? You are a saint.

[LolaRennt]

YANBU,
but if you feel uncomfortable just blame someone else.

Sorry guys but the doctor says the baby shouldn't be around people while smoking, we'll just pop outisde thanks. Also the doctor says smokers should wash their hands before handling the baby. JUst to be on the safe side.

[ElizabethDarcy]

"I don't want cigarette smoke around the baby as it's dangerous, what shall we do about that"

I agree with this stance. Put the ball in his court. Honestly, so many husband's just don't have the balls to stand up to their parents... and hopefully this way, it coming from HIM, will make it easier for him when with them.