To be annoyed with my family?

[DosieRosie]

My mother turned 60 last week and I organised a surprise party in my home for her.Just my immediate family, 11 people in total including my 2 dc. I am also 16 weeks pregnant. The party involved my family traveling and staying with me for the weekend, it was agreed beforehand that it was a party for my mother and not a holiday forth rest " we'll help out, you will not have to do all the work" etc. My two sis did nothing to help out, one in particular just drank for the weekend and didn't lift a plate. I provided a three course dinner on Friday night, dh and myself had to clean up by ourselves, a full English breakfast on Saturday morning, again we had to clean up and wash up ourselves. We provide all the booze and food god the weekend 30 bottles of wine and about 40 cans of beer plus brandies and cocktails and champagne. Nobody was asked to put their hand in their pocket as it wad my gift to my mother for her birthday. By Sunday morning I was exhausted, I was in the kitchen scrubbing pots when my sis came into the kitchen, she helped herself to some cereal ( I hadn't yet eaten) and watched me work, I would have helped her if the situation was reversed. I just felt so angry that I couldn't bite my tongue any longer and told her I was very annoyed that she hadn't lifted a finger to help etc well then my parents arrived into the kitchen and said that I had spoiled the weekend and that I should apologize to my sister. The work I had put into the party and accommodating 7 extra adults in my home was huge. I didn't want any thanks just some help would have a gone along way. Everyone was full of praise for me until I asked for some help. Was I wrong to say anything? My parents have always taken my taken this sis side, cause they feel ( unjustified ) sorry for her. My husband tried to speak to them yesterday also just trying to explain that we needed a bit of help and that I was right telling my sister that I was disappointed. I feel so let down. Thanks for listening.

[Roxylox]

Yanbu

You put alot of effort in to a lovely weekend

And quite understandably, measured the success by what you hoped would be people's full participation and positive responses.

But it sounds as though the dynamic of your family is such that your role is to put yourself out, and then put up or shut up when you require some consideration from them.

Sounds crap

And hurtful

Easier said than done, I know from bitter experience, but resolve in future to put yourself out for people who'll appreciate it.

[DosieRosie]

Thanks again for all the replies. I really do not feel like contacting them at all for a while. Usually I ring my mother every day sometimes twice. We are also due to stay with them next week for a couple of days before Christmas ( if I could avoid it I would) so if I don't contact contact them will I make an awkward situation even worse? I really feel the need to take a step back.....

[fedupofnamechanging]

If you don't feel like going, you can always say that you are feeling unwell and stay home. I think it would be more than okay to put yourself first.

I'd be tempted to visit and sit on my arse all the time and let them do all the running around for a change

[Yulephemia]

Family can be lazy buggers in other family members' houses. Like my dad and brother every Christmas Day - sit on their arses and let the women do the work. And DB would consider himself a feminist!

My parents were staying over with us one night recently and in the morning DH offered to make a cup of tea after I had left for work, and my dad said "Oh, don't worry, MIL will do that." And he continued to sit on his fat bahookey!

[Gogopops]

What a shame your weekend was spoilt in this way, especially since you went to all the trouble.

Your sister sounds really childish for a 33 year old woman - she should grow up - so should your parents by the sound of it.

Well done for doing all that work - I'm sure you wont be doing it again for a long time since everyone was so ungrateful - you were lucky that your DH helped you - mine wouldn't have!!

Sometimes all we want is a little appreciation and token assistance.

My family usually go on holiday with the PIL and BIL/SIL and their kids. The PIL are great but the SIL is a lazy lump who does bugger all to help anyone and it drives me mad.

[PinkElephantsOnParade]

YANBU.

You specifically asked for help in advance and did not get it.

Your DSIS burst into tears??? WTF is she 4 years old????

Re the paying for everything I have experience of this - many a time we have gone out with DHs family for a large family meal ( sometimes up to 15 people) and have been left with the whole bill. As DH owns his own business and up until we had DCs i also had a highly paid job.

It was made clear that we were expected to pay as we were seen as "stinking rich"

This attitude persists even now I am in a lower paid part time job and a lot of money goes in school fees (and mortgage, we are in SE and rest of family in NW)

BIL has paid off his mortgage now and must have loadsamoney but still expects us to pay for everything.

[DosieRosie]

@ Madamdeathstare, I totally agree with you grown adults should be capable of having a simple discussion and resolve issues like this. My other sister didn't do much to help either. When I told her that I felt angry cause nobody helped, she took on board what I had said and agreed that they hadn't pulled their weight and was sorry, she then dressed my two children. The sister who started crying is always like this, can be quite aggressive and never accepts blame, she started crying that she loved my children and took great offensive at my comments, thus annoyingly triggering sympathy in my parents. An example of my sisters behaviour was a couple of weeks ago both came on a visit for the weekend. The crying sister had too much to drink and mentioned that my other sister (who was there) used to take anti d's, now I know that tere is nothing wrong in taking this medication but my sister didn't want my husband to know this and was very embarrassed. Later she calmly said to my sister that she was very annoyed about she had said but crying sister refused to apologise, accept blame as she could not see where my sister was coming from.

Regarding the supplying all the food and booze in our home, was our decision and we were very happy to do so. Before the weekend took place there were offers of contribution but as we don't see each other all the time I was glad to do it. I did say though that they should buy a bottle of wine for dinner. I am the eldest my husband has a good job but I'm a SAHM. My sister and her husband have really good jobs too and can afford plenty. My parents really feel sorry for my other sister because she is single, pays a mortgage on her own etc.
My only complaint about money was only that I thought someone should have bought a drink for me and my husband in the pub.

Then my parents will manage to brush the problems under the carpet and expect to go on playing happy families after they've had a few days on their own. We have had a lot of issues with them over the years and to be prefectley honest they are extremely lucky to involved in any of our lives. They have apologised for past behaviour but how quickly they turned on me this weekend after all my hard work has really brought back a lot of memories of how they used to be and they still seem to as immature, when push came to shove they haven't really changed, they immediately tried to make me feel guilty telling me I spoilt the weekend.

So sorry for the rant, again. If it wasn't for the children I really wouldn't bother going there next week, but the children were really looking forward to it and I can't really see how to get out of it unless I cause an enormous rift :(

Thanks so much for listening