To be annoyed with my family?

[DosieRosie]

My mother turned 60 last week and I organised a surprise party in my home for her.Just my immediate family, 11 people in total including my 2 dc. I am also 16 weeks pregnant. The party involved my family traveling and staying with me for the weekend, it was agreed beforehand that it was a party for my mother and not a holiday forth rest " we'll help out, you will not have to do all the work" etc. My two sis did nothing to help out, one in particular just drank for the weekend and didn't lift a plate. I provided a three course dinner on Friday night, dh and myself had to clean up by ourselves, a full English breakfast on Saturday morning, again we had to clean up and wash up ourselves. We provide all the booze and food god the weekend 30 bottles of wine and about 40 cans of beer plus brandies and cocktails and champagne. Nobody was asked to put their hand in their pocket as it wad my gift to my mother for her birthday. By Sunday morning I was exhausted, I was in the kitchen scrubbing pots when my sis came into the kitchen, she helped herself to some cereal ( I hadn't yet eaten) and watched me work, I would have helped her if the situation was reversed. I just felt so angry that I couldn't bite my tongue any longer and told her I was very annoyed that she hadn't lifted a finger to help etc well then my parents arrived into the kitchen and said that I had spoiled the weekend and that I should apologize to my sister. The work I had put into the party and accommodating 7 extra adults in my home was huge. I didn't want any thanks just some help would have a gone along way. Everyone was full of praise for me until I asked for some help. Was I wrong to say anything? My parents have always taken my taken this sis side, cause they feel ( unjustified ) sorry for her. My husband tried to speak to them yesterday also just trying to explain that we needed a bit of help and that I was right telling my sister that I was disappointed. I feel so let down. Thanks for listening.

[DosieRosie]

@ Madamdeathstare, I totally agree with you grown adults should be capable of having a simple discussion and resolve issues like this. My other sister didn't do much to help either. When I told her that I felt angry cause nobody helped, she took on board what I had said and agreed that they hadn't pulled their weight and was sorry, she then dressed my two children. The sister who started crying is always like this, can be quite aggressive and never accepts blame, she started crying that she loved my children and took great offensive at my comments, thus annoyingly triggering sympathy in my parents. An example of my sisters behaviour was a couple of weeks ago both came on a visit for the weekend. The crying sister had too much to drink and mentioned that my other sister (who was there) used to take anti d's, now I know that tere is nothing wrong in taking this medication but my sister didn't want my husband to know this and was very embarrassed. Later she calmly said to my sister that she was very annoyed about she had said but crying sister refused to apologise, accept blame as she could not see where my sister was coming from.

Regarding the supplying all the food and booze in our home, was our decision and we were very happy to do so. Before the weekend took place there were offers of contribution but as we don't see each other all the time I was glad to do it. I did say though that they should buy a bottle of wine for dinner. I am the eldest my husband has a good job but I'm a SAHM. My sister and her husband have really good jobs too and can afford plenty. My parents really feel sorry for my other sister because she is single, pays a mortgage on her own etc.
My only complaint about money was only that I thought someone should have bought a drink for me and my husband in the pub.

Then my parents will manage to brush the problems under the carpet and expect to go on playing happy families after they've had a few days on their own. We have had a lot of issues with them over the years and to be prefectley honest they are extremely lucky to involved in any of our lives. They have apologised for past behaviour but how quickly they turned on me this weekend after all my hard work has really brought back a lot of memories of how they used to be and they still seem to as immature, when push came to shove they haven't really changed, they immediately tried to make me feel guilty telling me I spoilt the weekend.

So sorry for the rant, again. If it wasn't for the children I really wouldn't bother going there next week, but the children were really looking forward to it and I can't really see how to get out of it unless I cause an enormous rift :(

Thanks so much for listening

[PinkElephantsOnParade]

YANBU.

You specifically asked for help in advance and did not get it.

Your DSIS burst into tears??? WTF is she 4 years old????

Re the paying for everything I have experience of this - many a time we have gone out with DHs family for a large family meal ( sometimes up to 15 people) and have been left with the whole bill. As DH owns his own business and up until we had DCs i also had a highly paid job.

It was made clear that we were expected to pay as we were seen as "stinking rich"

This attitude persists even now I am in a lower paid part time job and a lot of money goes in school fees (and mortgage, we are in SE and rest of family in NW)

BIL has paid off his mortgage now and must have loadsamoney but still expects us to pay for everything.

[Gogopops]

What a shame your weekend was spoilt in this way, especially since you went to all the trouble.

Your sister sounds really childish for a 33 year old woman - she should grow up - so should your parents by the sound of it.

Well done for doing all that work - I'm sure you wont be doing it again for a long time since everyone was so ungrateful - you were lucky that your DH helped you - mine wouldn't have!!

Sometimes all we want is a little appreciation and token assistance.

My family usually go on holiday with the PIL and BIL/SIL and their kids. The PIL are great but the SIL is a lazy lump who does bugger all to help anyone and it drives me mad.

[Yulephemia]

Family can be lazy buggers in other family members' houses. Like my dad and brother every Christmas Day - sit on their arses and let the women do the work. And DB would consider himself a feminist!

My parents were staying over with us one night recently and in the morning DH offered to make a cup of tea after I had left for work, and my dad said "Oh, don't worry, MIL will do that." And he continued to sit on his fat bahookey!

[fedupofnamechanging]

If you don't feel like going, you can always say that you are feeling unwell and stay home. I think it would be more than okay to put yourself first.

I'd be tempted to visit and sit on my arse all the time and let them do all the running around for a change

[DosieRosie]

Thanks again for all the replies. I really do not feel like contacting them at all for a while. Usually I ring my mother every day sometimes twice. We are also due to stay with them next week for a couple of days before Christmas ( if I could avoid it I would) so if I don't contact contact them will I make an awkward situation even worse? I really feel the need to take a step back.....

[Roxylox]

Yanbu

You put alot of effort in to a lovely weekend

And quite understandably, measured the success by what you hoped would be people's full participation and positive responses.

But it sounds as though the dynamic of your family is such that your role is to put yourself out, and then put up or shut up when you require some consideration from them.

Sounds crap

And hurtful

Easier said than done, I know from bitter experience, but resolve in future to put yourself out for people who'll appreciate it.

[SantasENormaSnob]

Yanbu

your sister sounds like an immature, spoilt ratbag.

[Sarsaparilllla]

Your sisters were being really lazy, but if it was me, when your sister said 'I feel bad about not helping' I'd have chucked a tea towel in her direction and ushered her in the direction of the kitchen

And I would've said upfront for people to bring booze, I would never expect to provide alcohol for everyone as well as food, they should've offered or just turned up with bottles if they were expecting to drink all weekend, that's really selfish of them all.

[NinkyNonker]

This is exactly the dynamic in my family. YANBU.

[DosieRosie]

Yes my sister did behave like a child for the whole weekend. She is in a relationship for the last 3 months and could talk about nothing else for the weekend. She was ringing him constantly especially when she was drunk which was a lot of the time. Also she kept insisting people spoke to him on the phone which I find uncomfortable when you have never met the person.

QuintessentialShadows, we are also used to a lot of guests. I usually would cook one breakfast over the weekend and go out for another. On Saturday night though my father made a fuss when every bill arrived, complaining it was expensive extra ( it really wasn't I chose very carefully where we went) and its not like they cannot afford it so it took the enjoyment out of eating out resulting in my brother, other sister and myself deciding it was less hassle to eat in. In the end my mother cooked pancakes which I couldn't eat from the stress.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Yanbu.
But why did you cook breakfast for everybody?

We have guests frequently, usually couples and children, and I always tell people to feel like home and help themselves to breakfast when they feel like it. That way they clear up too.
I dont cook lunches either. But I am happy to cook dinners.

[pollywollyhadadollycalledmolly]

YANBU

I cant believe how lazy they were!!! I would never have done that if i was in ur sis posistion. I would have offered to of helped and so would my OH. I personally would have also of brought a few bottles of wine or a crate of beer, and that is something i would of done going to anyones house for dinner, never mind the weekend!! lol

Why on earth would ur 33 y/o sister cry? She does sound like a bit of a child! lol

[DosieRosie]

Yes you are totally right. I should have waited for the breakfast, I would have been better off having a bath.

My parents have always been like this. They are quite immature and can't handle conflict in any positive way. I am very disappointed in them too which is why I will not apologise for what they view as a scene. They were not asked to get involved.

I feel all the good was taken out of the weekend and for that I'm really sorry. I wish I had just bought a regular birthday present and saved myself all the drama.

[Parsgirl]

YANBU I hope you have your feet up now.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think that your family have taken you for granted. I think that your parents should not have interfeared when you were having words with your sister. You are both grown women and this conversation took place in your house, not theirs, therefore you are at liberty to say what you want. I feel that your parents should have recognised all the work you and your DH were doing and should not have taken your sisters part over yours.

In future I would not go to so much trouble for people who don't appreciate it. I think it's very bad manners to stay with someone all weekend and make no financial contribution to the alcohol and to make no attempt to help out with chores.

I certainly wouldn't apologise and would go so far as to tell my parents precisely why I was so unhappy and that they ought not to have interfeared.

[nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree]

YANBU to be upset at your sister for acting like a baby and your parents for not supporting you.

YAB a bit U about when things got done. E.g. if sister offers to make breakfast then you should have just waited until she got up to make breakfast. There was absolutely no reason to step in and diy. If anyone had passed comment you simply had to say "Emma offered to do brekkie this morning, but if you can't wait until she is up feel free to start yourself"

[Mobly]

Well it's clear they have acted very selfishly and your sis who turned on the tears for your parents clearly needs to grow up.

Look on the bright side, you have learnt something from this, and at least your DH sound like he pulled his weight so at least you and your immediate family know how to treat people.

[DosieRosie]

My sister is 33.

I wish I had not said a word. Just privately learnt my lesson a move on. I'm just so thankful I will be spending Christmas with my inlaws, where I will pull my weight like I always do. When there are a lot of people together something always has to be done and I don't have to be asked. I also think when it's family you shouldn't have to stand on ceremony.

[Mobly]

Can I be nosy and ask how old your sister is who started crying? She sounds like a child to be honest.

YADNBU

[DosieRosie]

No we all contibuted fairly to the bills when we had drinks outside of the home, but we provided all the booze at home. No they do not think we are wealthy, fairly comfortable but not wealthy.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

were you buying the others drinks in the pub?

Do your family percieve your family unit to bbe wealthy?

[DosieRosie]

When I said this to my sisters on Sunday, one took it on board, said she was sorry that they didn't help more etc. The only reason there was a scene was the other sister started to cry in front of my parents. I didn't expect my parents to help out. Also we were the only ones with children so we up first on both mornings so really you can't leave the tidying up until 11am when everyone else appeared. One offered to make breakfast on Sunday morning, we told her we were delighted but she didn't get up so that when I found myself frustrated cleaning pots in the kitchen about to cooking brekkie for everyone again. I have truly learnt my lesson. I realise it was my house so we would have to do the bulk of the work. I did as much of the preparation in advance as was possible but a little bit of help would have gone a long way.