To not want BIL to know I'm pregnant and be devastated he's coming for Xmas

[Ladyofthehousespeaking]

Oh god.
I've posted about him before, luckily he lives abroad so we don't have to cross paths too much.
He's a complete narcissist/mysogynist an has a very ugly very scary manipulative streak. He hates me and becomes obsessed with bullying me very cleverly when he visits (he will do things when we are left in a room alone like spitting in my tea, throwing rubbish at me etc)
he is just an out and out bad person.
He as decided he will come to PIL for Xmas - well at first he said he would only come to our house 90 miles away from PIL, I said no immediately.
I can get around him at Xmas- I will spend Xmas eve, Xmas morning and boxing day with my family.
Both PIL and DH know what he does now after witnessing a nasty incident where he called me a bimbo whore with shit for brains. So I know I have some support.
Anyway, I'm 7 weeks pregnant and we were planning to tell out families at Xmas- thought it would be lovely etc etc :(
I don't want him to know. I just know he will turn it into a living hell for me.
It's mad because I was never bullied as a child and have always stuck up for myself but since DH told me BIL was coming I've been so stressed- my hands were shaking and sweating and it's started again now I've started writing about it.

I would also make a clear plan with your DH about what to do if he is like this: ie leave early etc

DHhasnt asked. I think I could have been any girl iyswim? He doesn't want others to be happy etc because he's not. He has alot of failed relationships with girls who have always seemed to be lovely.
He just wants everythingto be about him and although he obviously loves DH he hates him being happy- when DH won a award for his work he didn't talk to him for 3 months.

Your dh knows your BIL said/done these things to you and he didnt kick the shit out of him? Get rid of your dh and solve the whole problem.

Seriously, I would change the plan to tell people at Christmas. Could you do it slightly after when he's no longer there?

Your DH and in-laws sound supportive which is good.

Would he begone for new years. You could tell them then?

Yes I think we will just have to wait, o don't drink anyway so it won't be too hard to cover it up.
I might tell my siblings and swear them to secrecy - there's five of them so it will save me a massive phone bill

Oh dear, you poor thing!
It sounds like you are going to be able to avoid him most of the time anyway; I hope your DH will be able to spend some of the Christmas period with you as well, though.

YANBU to not want him to know you are pg; so why don't you wait until the 12w mark before you tell anyone? That will take you way past Christmas and be a lovely brightener for everyone in the come-down period post-festivities.

I have a very dodgy BIL as well. Very. MIL is being Unhelpful at the mo; she knows he is dodgy, but she is now accusing me of "splitting the family" because I won't allow my DS (just 3) to be around him after the shocking scenes he has enacted around us. Plus he can't stop swearing and he is so rude to and about DS - who is now of an age to understand when people are being unpleasant.
I am very angry that she has accused me of causing problems - there is only one cause of the problem, and that is BIL. But I can't say anything of course because it's "not my family" (yes, I have been told that ) so have to stew in silence, or take it out on DH who actually agrees with me but also bears the brunt of it from his mother. His response to her accusing me of causing a rift is "we're all to blame". Er, no, we're not. BIL is.

Hope you manage to get all the support you need - do tell your DH that you are getting distressed about it already, because you really need to be reassured you won't have to deal with this excuse for a man, as stress is not good for you in pg.

I think you are right to not want anything to do with this vile man, and also to want to hold off spreading the joy about your great baby news. This is abviously going to be a really special moment when you tell the PILs and you certainly don't want that to be spoiled, as you fear it will be. It's your and DH's news to share, not BIL's to spoil, so your DH can tell him after Christmas when he's crawled back under that stone of his. This isn't just you that needs looking out for now - there's someone else to consider, too, and this man is not allowed to stress you out!
Congrats and have a great Christmas - without the BIL hanging around like a bad smell.

Why is dh spending any time with him?

Also when your LO comes would you want your BIL anywhere near them?

genuine Q by the way, am mystified dh would want to, because he sounds distinctly like someone you'd want to avoid or do violence to

Aw thankyou- you've made me start crying :)
puddingwitch- so sorry that you've got one too, it very very hard isn't it? It's hard to understand how anybody can continue to love and care for such bastards, that's family I suppose! I think I was just very lucky in a way when PIL and DH walked in on one of his tirades- it left no doubt in their minds.

Mrscolumbo- you're so lovely thankyou , I will re-read that over an over on the lead up!

Kangaroo- he only sees him once every three years and i suppose you can't stop loving your family.
BIL obviously has mental health problems so I think they all live in hope that he will get better/change

I don't know how he will be with the LO- in a way I think he will see the baby as HIS niece/nephew rather than my baby iyswim? Narcissim is very very odd!!
He will never be left alone with any child of mine though, I am sure of that.

Poor Lady.

I also feel for your PILs, though. If one of their two children lives abroad, naturally they want to see him when he comes home briefly, esp at Christmas. They are probably trying to deny to themselves that he is a complete arse, because it must be horrible to have to confront that about your own child.

Maybe you can put a positive spin on it and have it as a New Year's gift for them? You know, it will the first year of your baby's life, and on NY Day, right at the start of that year, you might tell them...?

Anyhow, congrats and hope you are okay.

Hmm, wonder if you are right about the mental health problems. My dad is like this: when my sister got engaged, he forbade my younger sister (then 15) 'to speak to or have anything to do with THAT PERSON' [her fiance] as 'he is nothing to do with our family'.

He had never met her fiance before. He didn't attend the wedding. No reason in partic, except, I suspect, it wasn't all about HIM.

Peasent - thankyou very much :) I feel awful for PIL too, they are wonderful and would do anything for their boys. I hate to see them hurt by him, I'm just glad he lives far away or they would end up in an early grave

Lady - I wouldn't be surprised if he went the other way and refused to acknowledge the existence of your child - you can never tell. If he hates you for taking his DB away from him, it could go either way - he'll either see it as another thing that takes his DB away from him, or he'll see it as part of his DB and completely separate from you.

Glad you won't have to put up with having him around when the baby is born, that's for sure!

My BIL apparently has mental health problems as well - I actually don't accept this, he has antisocial problems and alcohol problems, but he is able to control his outbursts and aims them all at his mother and brother. However, if MIL really believes he does have MH problems, she (being a senior nurse) should get him seen by a doctor and get him some help with them, not expect the rest of us to put up and shut up about it!

Peasent- that sounds like narcissistic personality too - if you google it there are lists etc that poit out all the attributes. BIL sees a therapist but I doubt it does any real good because he gets to sit there with his version of events and he has a captive audience

Then a NY announcement will be lovely. Avoid bubonic BIL. Your family will be something that BIL will never be a part of.

Thumb- very interesting as my MIL is also a senior nurse!!! I'm so glad for you lot, it's nice not to be told 'justtwll him to fuck off' and chat to people who understand these situations!

Actually my mum reckons my dad is on the autistic spectrum and basically just operates at a very childlike emotional level. That is completely unscientific of course but I have seen profiles of autistic students (I work at a uni) and he does match surprisingly well though.

Sounds like your BIL is cannier and more aware of his issues though, if he tries to cover them up when the PILs are there and only attack you when you are alone.

Stop letting this vile man have any control over you and your life!

Keep the PG news a secret until after this shite has slinked back to whatever unfortunate nation that is unlucky enough to have him call it home. Mind you, if it's Egypt, GOOD, that place is welcome to him, he'll fit right in [dgrin] Deny this piece of work the opportunity to ruin your happy time. He can't make you unhappy if you don't have anything to do with him.

Go and visit your lovely PIL in the new year and tell them then, make it special without this dreadful person. Make alternative plans this year with your DH. This will be the last christmas you and he get to spend as a couple, as next year you will be a family!!

If your BIL is not respecting his brother, by not respecting his brother's wife, then he will not respect your DC either. the Baby can be the catalyst you need to call FULL TIME on his contact with you and your child.

No-one will question your motives for staying away. TBH, your DH needed to say something and to say that there is no way on earth his B is allowed to be so rude to his DW.

You are in the right here you don't deserve this, you don't need to be the bigger person, but you need to draw a line and say, Er, no, I won't have it. He's no relative of yours, you owe him literally nothing.

Huge congratulations btw!!!

Littlemiss- thankyou so much, you'll set me off again haha!I know that if BIL ever threatened the baby or was odd then that would definitly be it for DH and probably PIL too. I would never ever let my baby be subjected to his spite.ever.
peasent- your dad sounds like a very lucky man to have a wife that can understand and begin to work around his issues, it must be very difficult for you, it is a shame that autism etc is only recently being recognised, it must be very difficult for people who just had to muddle through before with no guidance on how to cope.

I have to go now (Xmas shopping gah) but thankyou so much for all of your replies, i feel much calmer and very glad for mumsnet!
I'm sure it won't be the last I post about it (about ooooh 14 days?) but thankyou very very much x