To not want DDs uber rich friend for a sleepover

[THK]

There's no problem with the child but I don't want to feel as though I have to apologise for what we have or haven't got! By normal standards we fair well but don't come anywhere close to this childs background.
Am I being too touchy???

[mumbar]

YABU to think that but can understand why - dc's tho are more interested in how much fun and junk they can have .

And by you reckening DS should NEVER have friends round - they're all richer than us . Funnily enough everyone loves coming here as a new estate with planty of social housing it has a park and very large areas to play in.

[PercyPigPie]

I grew up in a lovely rectory with a stable block and remember being so envious of my friend's cosy terraced cottage with roses around the door!

[onceamai]

Megancleo - they never snigger at decent, honest, hardworking folk who do their best for their children and make their children welcome. I had it, mix with a lot who have gained it and live now, happily, in middle class poverty.

[onceamai]

Norham Gardens - really! The uber rich who are used to being uber rich frankly can't be bothered to talk about it and simply giggle at the people you are describing! Those who grew up in what are now 3-4m houses (which have been done up) just snigger at what the new residents do with cutlery from their scruffy London monstrosities full of second hand furnitre

[GuardianReader]

THK - YABVVVVU and need to get over yourself. YOU have a problem with your lifestyle and are projecting it onto other people - like this friend of your daughter's.

You need to (a) do something about your lifestyle yourself OR (more realistically!) (b) make peace with yourself and be content in who you are and what you have.

Isn't there a quote somewhere from someone about the only person who can make you feel bad about yourself being yourself??

[magicOC]

Let the girls make their own minds up.

If she has a sleepover and isn't impressed she is probably not someone your DD wants to be around.

Another point to make is, if this super-rich family have any moral values they will be bringing their DD up to be polite and accepting of others.

I've worked for wealthy families, lived in some amazing houses, but, tend to find the kids get driven everywhere, not allowed to play with the children in the same street "because the parents are jealous as our house is the biggest in the street" BS I say.

If this child wants to come for a sleepover with your DD then great

My friend who i've known since childhood still struggles, but, her door is always open and she would give you her last slice of bread to help you out that's just the type of person she is. Has nothing material, but, great values and that's more important.

[NorhamGardens]

Hmm, having been exposed to a few of the home counties 'rich' recently my judgement is probably a little clouded. We are far from in this position ourselves and am sure that the type I am going to describe are in the minority, however...

IMO there is a lot of 'private' snobbery in certain circles, we are talking about those who have made money in the last 10-15 years, are very well educated and live in the 3-4 million pound house bracket plus.

A lady was showing me her home and neighbourhood and told me with some raising of eyebrow and quiet sniggering that many of the locals simply couldn't really afford all that they had in so many words. Even those that appeared to have larger, older homes than herself were having to sell off part of the home I was informed.

Privately, she and her group definitely look down on the 'peasants'. I say privately as she would be the first to say these things didn't matter and all were equally welcome in her home. Many of the well heeled really do think like this. I have had the misfortune of meeting many over the years.

Of course whether you let a small minded, snooty minority get to you is another matter entirely. They are out there however.

[THK]

Thank you all. You're right ( of course- I hear you cry)
She had told dd she liked me because I sat and talked to her about school. I think like many have said I'm overlooking the importance non material aspect and if both children have built a friendship then I should be happy for DD& not wallowing in my own insecurity.
( takes deep breath and decides to tell DD friend can come next weekend)!!!!:)

[Megancleo]

Just wanted to add that my dd, 14 did a school exchange with a French girl who was very wealthy. Yes, the thought crossed my mind of how she would react to our very humble abode. She thought I was cool because i found time to play board games with them and visit places (her parents were generally jet-setting) and asked if she could visit again. Don't worry, just make all dc friends welcome and enjoy!

[fireblademum]

interesting. my 2 best school friends were very different, one lived in a tiny cramped terrace and didnt have a telephone (i thought it was just an eccentric choice at the time, i now realise they couldn't afford it), the other one lived in a mansion and had a boat and a pony. i loved them both equally because we did different fun stuff at each of our houses, and it was only years later did i realise just how rich the rich ones were, and how skint the poor ones must have been. explains my mums slightly odd attitude to the richer ones parents though!

[MisSalLaneous]

I'm sometimes embarrassed about lack of rooms when family from their 5-bed mansions come and have to sleep in ds's room / inflatable mattress in the front room - but that is my issue, not theirs. I always offer our room, but no-one wants to take us up on it - and really, after the first 5 minutes, I forget about it and we all have a great time.

It's mostly only adults that care about these things anyway (and in the majority, if not all, of cases, the person with the smaller property).

When I was small, all the grandchildren used to go to our grandparents over the Christmas holidays. One year, my cousin brought a friend with. She must have been around 15, and only when she looked really embarrassed when she didn't know how to make a cup of tea did it dawn on us (and even then, only after a throughout explanation and double check) that she has never made one herself - they always had staff that did that. This was the loveliest girl, and we became close friends. Having rich parents, a huge house, sports cars and staff is not something to be embarrassed about, as long as you raise your children knowing that none of that makes you any better than others. At the same time, for those of us that don't have it, to teach them that, again, the lack thereof makes no difference to who we are.

[ModreB]

YAB a bit U - but I get where you are coming from.

BUT - DS1 (now 20 yo) best friend came from a well off background, we were (an are still) quite poor.

But - he loved coming to us because we did fun things like making bread, digging in the garden to get our veg for tea , going on the bus (instead of in the car) when he had NEVER BEFORE at the age of 10 yo been on a bus, etc, etc.

I still get a huge hug when I see him, he did things with us that he never got the chance to do in his own pristine designer house.

DS1 also loved staying over with him in luxury

[Diamondback]

Aah, if it makes you feel any better, my sister had an uber-rich friend at school and she used to love coming to our house, because she got normal food for tea (chicken and oven chips, or mince and potatoes) instead of wanky things in cream sauce that their chef made!

[Rachyandmeg]

Worst thing people can do in life is compare themselves to other people. It hold you back ! X

[Rachyandmeg]

Worst thing people can do in life is compare themselves to other people. It hold you back ! X

[ChippingIn]

Blimey - one of those rare creatures! A unanimous YABU and and OP who agrees - frame it quickly!!

[Rachyandmeg]

Thk,

That's the problem though you say your not competing but you are by creating an issue out of this. You say they are uber rich but how do you really know their circumstances? Looks can be very deceiving. Eg she could be mortgaged up to hilt, maxed out credit cards etc . Don't get into keeping up with the jones It is negative and a waste of time! Focus on your own life and family x

[QuintessentialShadows]

I understand where you are coming from. But, I have to echo the others.


However, please make sure your child knows that she should NOT divulge your salary to rich kid. Your child might actually think you make a fortune, and might want to impress Rich Kid. Neither should she ask rich kid how much her parents make, and how come they are so rich.

oh the embarassment.....

[usualsuspect]

yabu

[THK]

I admit I sound pretty pathetic and I will just have to get over myself
Normally I wouldn't let this bother me as my own children have a comfortable life, we have a nice home and ordinarily this wouldn't be an issue. I've always thought I was pretty grounded - until now! TBH I''ve surprised myself in admitting this is the reality. It's good to receive everyones comments as I wouldn't feel at all comfortable raising this with anyone who knew me so a dose of MN reality check is exactly what I needed.
Thumbscrew- yes her fathers very prominent and from an old banking dynasty.
Magicmummy- it was the drop off situation that has fueled my irrationality.

[sfxmum]

I think you are being unreasonable seems to be more about your unease, just offer a warm welcome I doubt the child will judge
and if the parents don't object she is unlikely to be the type to notice such things

[chipmonkey]

We live in a big house and my dsis lives in a tiny one. My boys love staying with her and ds1 said to my sis once "I love how we're all together all the time" which is not the case in our house as the rooms are very spread out.

[EricNorthpolesChristmas]

Most of my school friends were from well off families (private school scholarship) and I'm sure my mum felt like you at times, so I do get it. I also felt slightly embarrassed at times, of my parents' vehicles mainly! My friends were nice girls and would never have pointed out that our house was shabbier/colder/had no fancy technology/only one toilet etc. My mum used to hold her head up at prize day and things in her charity shop posh outfit! But that was a whole school of them, not just one.

[ragged]

I'll have her to stay. DD9 would love a rich friend, I bet they have ponies, DD would be over the moon for an invite back!

See how it goes, OP, DS11 has a very well-off friend but I've never felt like it was a competition what we treat our DSs to. Meanwhile DD9 has a good friend whose father is very generous, always taking them on outings, overspending and indulging his kids (imvho); yet that family is nowhere near wealthy. I find the less-wealthy-than-us friendship more awkward because I don't know if I am expected to spend as much on their DD when she comes to visit, I feel quite stingy by comparison precisely because we could easily afford to spend more on entertaining the girls, but then I don't perceive kids need much spent on them to just hang out and have fun.