AIBU to have been upset by the way my boss spoke to me?

[shandyleer]

Or am I overthinking it - which I do have a tendancy to do, so am interested to see what everyone else thinks.

I was in a team meeting this morning and an issue arose which apparently had been addressed by me on a previous occasion. I couldn't remember resolving this issue in the way I was told I had resolved it but could most definitely remember having a conversation with my boss about resolving said issue in a different manner. So I said something along the lines of I couldn't really remember and what did she think, to which she replied "Listen honey, I have to remember everything, you only have a small part to remember".

I totally understand the point she was making, but I feel the manner in which she made it was condescending, rude and actually, apart from being taken aback, I was also embarrassed. I'm not intending to do anything about this, but I'm just interested to see what your reactions would have been, and am I being a bit precious to have been upset?

[chipmonkey]

You don't sound like a space cadet at all to me! If anyone is a space cadet, it's her!

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Bathsheba is your boss, Shandy - she's tracked you down

Ignore. YANBU - she sounds like a bully and a complete nutter. Stop apologising, and just be grateful that the allergy wasn't so severe that any of you had to witness her naked.

[barbarapym]

YANBU. I have recently escaped moved on from a boss like this. It's amazing how one person can undermine your confidence until you start to question yourself!

[shandyleer]

Maisie - I did have a horrible moment of wondering the same thing . Bathsheba - can I just ask what you do for a living?

[Portofino]

I probably would have said something like "Well I do apologise, I obviously remembered MY SMALL PART wrong" in a certain tone. She does sound like a loon though! She knows she is in the wrong and has gone slightly crazy trying to gain the moral high ground in her mind!

Many, many years ago I was a bit bored in my job and an opportunity arose to edit the company newsletter. It was agreed I could do it as long as it had no impact on my job - no probs. My immediate superior was obviously very jealous of my iniative and left 5 days of washing up in my office whilst I was off. (Normally she would have just done it). When I came back I was horrified by all the mouldy coffee cups and asked her if she would give me a hand to get it all cleared up. She went totally off on one! Comments were made. I looked for a new job.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

The thought of my hideous boss tracking me down to MN is the only thing that stops me posting about her. She excelled herself today and yesterday, and has caused the familiar knot in my stomach to reappear. I feel your pain .

[domesticslattern]

YANBU

There are no management manuals where it is recommended to call your staff honey in a sarcastic voice or threaten to get naked.

There are management manuals where it is recommended to coach and empower your staff, to encourage them to respect you and to be professional at all times in the office.

She is a loon.

[cumfy]

I'm a bit biscuity on this.

She does sound a bit of a nightmare.

But....

You really sound as though you could be a good deal more assertive without putting anyone's noses out of joint.

She's just told you what she thinks.
If you think different.... just say.

You seem like you're treading on eggshells; and the more carefully you tread the worse it'll get.

Perhaps email her:

"Boss, I was just being diplomatic, I didn't mean I'd actually forgotten!"

[Portofino]

Is it me, or are women bosses always worse?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

No, it's not just you. I had this exact conversation with a colleague today - the very worst bosses we've both had in our 20-odd years working have been women. No idea why - there really is no need for it.

[Portofino]

That has been my experience, certainly. I have had some fantastic male bosses and some crap ones, but never anything to lose sleep over. Everytime I have reported to a woman, there have been issues. Not issues about performance, or even personality differences, but silly, stupid stuff. Stuff like the OPs problem today.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Agree. It seems that the small stuff must become an Issue, which must then be Managed and even Escalated - when in fact it could be resolved in about 5 minutes flat. And then you have the Fallout.

[lurkingsnurker]

i had a similar issue a month or so back - I am a senior manager of a team of 20. I have been working with my boss (the director) on a specific project that none of the rest of the team are involved in (yet!).

We have a new MD for our business unit, and my director boss has a severe personality clash with her - to the extent where their working relationship is completely broken, and I suspect his days left in our business are numbered. We were both under pressure to pull our fingers out on this particular project, as it has been subject to delays and we needed to get it sorted. I was very clear what needed to be done.

Anyhow, in front of the whole team (45 people) he decided to pull me up on it. Saying things like 'have you got it under control LS?' 'are you doing everything that MD asked', and the absolute worse thing 'your neck is in the noose as well as mine you know'. I closed it down as quickly as I could by being firm 'yes, it is all in hand' and he moved on.

I was bloody fuming and immediately after the meeting I fed back that I thought the way he spoke to me in front of the whole team was completely innappropriate, that he had a 1-1 conversation with me in the middle of a team meeting and it was unacceptable on every level. It actually accelerated into a bit of a row; but he very quickly backed off and started to apologise profusely. And proceeded to call me three times over the next two days to apologise for his behaviour. I am still mad about it to be honest, but I guess my advice to you is that you shouldn't accept such behaviour from your boss at any point - in team meetings, over cups of coffee or anything at all. So I would calmly state in your next 1-1 that you felt uncomfortable with the way she spoke to you, and you would appreciate it if she didn't do it again.

You know, if you don't feedback, how will she know she is doing it? You are implicitly making it acceptable imo.

(disclaimer - I wouldn't do the emotionally charged method that I adopted though... rowing with your boss is not advisable!)

[Portofino]

And this week, I have a new woman boss! She SEEMS normal.....maybe Belgian women bosses are NOT uber bitches like their UK equivelent?

[Bathsheba]

I'm a SAHM but previously I worked in IT as a team leader. I alos head a very successful team in voluntary work that I do. I'm sorry, but I do stick by what I said...

"I think we did something about that but I can't remember what, but I'm sure we did"..

"I can't remember if I stirred it with the same spoon, I don't normally but I might have done this time"...

Both from your OP - you said you thought you might have stirred her tea with the same spoon but couldn't remember/weren't aware/couldn't be confident/were busy apologising in what you had done

Like I say, she has issues and no, she shouldn;t have spoken to you like that in the meeting, esp if it was in front of other people, but it sounds to me like she views you as a bit forgetful/distracted/unreliable/"space cadety".

These are 2 incidents in the last 2 days where, directly to her you have been unable to say with any assertion what you have done, both on things that she viewed as important. These are 2 things you KNOW have happened. I wonder if you have a face to face with her and a private chat about these 2 if you may find that over the last few weeks or whatever there has been more that have lead her to think of you as forgetful/unreliable.

[BerylStreep]

Ha ha ha ha - Why exactly would she have been naked if she passed out in the loos??? And how on earth were you supposed to know she was allergic to coffee?

ROFL

She sounds like a complete drama queen.

I've always found that the best way to manage people like that (and you need to start thinking of it those terms - how to manage an individual - depersonalise it) is to be cool as a cucumber and not provide the attention she desperately needs.

Tomorrow smile pleasantly (not apologetically), and if any comment is made about the tea / coffee poisoning attempt, just laugh and say you think it's probably best that she makes her own in future - joke how it wouldn't look good on your CV to kill your boss.

I like the idea of a Paddington stare, although I find a Raised Eyebrow In A Still Smiling But Questioning Your Sanity look works well too.

It may be worth practising a few holding lines for when you are put on the spot in meetings. I had a colleague who was always ambushing me in meetings, and it would really wind me up. I started coming back with lines such as:
That's not how I recall it, but we can discuss the detail outside of the meeting. (cue friendly helpful smile)
That's an interesting point - perhaps we can discuss the detail in slower time. (another friendly smile)
I think the detail of what happened may vary slightly, but we can discuss it later when you have time. (final loon smile)

The key is to stay cool and friendly.

Out of interest, is she American?

Disclaimer: Not that I think all American's are loons, just honey is such a US phrase.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I think any boss that exhibits the level of histrionics she did is really not worthy of any discussion around why she thinks someone may or may not be forgetful. A firm rebuke in future may be better placed.

Porto - I wish you luck! If she's any good please ask her if she has a sister and send her my way

[Portofino]

I cannot see that if you are confident and comfortable in yourself, why anyone should need to behave like this....It is a sign of low self esteem imho. Interestingly I worked WITH a male internal customer who exhibited similarly loonish behaviour.

He was mean to me for months. I was new and thought it was me being a bit useless. In fact after time I realised he did it to everyone. I studied him closely and realised he was scared of his boss. So after that, I pitched every proposal and work action as to what I thought his boss might like. All of a sudden he thought I was a genius!

[blueshoes]

I find it very odd to talk about passing out naked on the toilet and repeating it ad nauseam. The stomach turns. Is that her personality? She sounds flaky at best. Could not respect such a fruit.

Porto, I share your pain about women bosses. Actually for me it is women middle managers. Every time I have had to work for one, their insecurity comes out and they try to keep me down. I far enjoyed working directly for the boss in a previous life where it was a flatter organisational hierarchy. The boss leaves me alone to get on with it. The middle manager, however, cannot resist meddling and micromanaging.

[BerylStreep]

[Portofino]

Yes I think in my case it has been middle management everytime in the past. And those women always reporting to men.....Maybe this is something for the Femisnist topic?

Sod it, I need a new job. I am going to be the boss this time!

[shandyleer]

OK Bathsheba.

I've never had a woman boss before so can't compare, have had male bosses who have been not very good, but none who have been demeaning or undermining. Hope your new boss turns out to be good Porto!

Thanks for all the advice - like I said yesterday, I'm not about to do anything yet as I enjoy the job too much and we're a small team so I don't want to create any type of atmosphere. I do feel reassured to know that most of you are of the same opinion as me, having just heard a selected sample of behaviour. Other team members are also of the same opinion but deal with her in different ways. I will return and update with any further interesting episodes.

[cumfy]

Why on Earth is someone with a severe coffee allergy, allowing their tea to be made by a 3rd party ?

I personally don't believe her, as she would be genuinely worried not making sarcastic "jokes" about her tea being contaminated.

[BerylStreep]

Slice of coffee and walnut cake boss?