AIBU to have been upset by the way my boss spoke to me?

[shandyleer]

Or am I overthinking it - which I do have a tendancy to do, so am interested to see what everyone else thinks.

I was in a team meeting this morning and an issue arose which apparently had been addressed by me on a previous occasion. I couldn't remember resolving this issue in the way I was told I had resolved it but could most definitely remember having a conversation with my boss about resolving said issue in a different manner. So I said something along the lines of I couldn't really remember and what did she think, to which she replied "Listen honey, I have to remember everything, you only have a small part to remember".

I totally understand the point she was making, but I feel the manner in which she made it was condescending, rude and actually, apart from being taken aback, I was also embarrassed. I'm not intending to do anything about this, but I'm just interested to see what your reactions would have been, and am I being a bit precious to have been upset?

[BerylStreep]

OP

How have things been at work?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I would, but live in fear of her discovering me on here. I've made an appointment to go and see another manager that I know well to see if she can advise - hopefully that will help.

Sorry for the thread hijack here . Hope it's all going better for you.

[shandyleer]

Oh Maisie, I really do feel for you, it's a horrid situation to be in. Perhaps if you post a bit more specifically some of the more assertive amongst us can offer up advice (not including myself amongst them sadly).

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Seriously - you do not cross her. Ever. She is a bully with skin you could make shoes and a bag from, and has complete backing from her boss, who in turn is a nightmare. I stood up to her earlier this week when she tried to implement something that went against organisational policy, and it's been hellish since.

[Mumcentreplus]

My boss is a man BTW and an arse at the highest level...

[Mumcentreplus]

Tell her about herself Maisie seriously you will feel sooo much better and she will see you are not a push over...if you can

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I'm now facing my third sleepless night because of my (female) boss. Whilst I wish the OP wasn't going through the nonsense she is, it's reassuring to know that you're not alone, iykwim?

[lalalonglegs]

I was in a similar position to Lovecat and thought I was going to have a breakdown because of my boss. I'm not sure female bosses are worse generally than men but they are subtler and it's harder to pinpoint their bad behaviour which is why you end up feeling so undermined. Even at the time I knew it was her but, in some way, felt it must be me as well - it was such a horrible, horrible period. I wish I had thought of some of the strategies that have been suggested here - I was just relieved to go when my contract ended...

[cupcakesandbunting]

She sounds a twat. Kick her in the muff.

[shandyleer]

Thank you nice kind people for all your constructive advice. And for those of you doubting my competence - well, I do need to work on my confidence/assertiveness having never had any cause to prove myself in the past.

Was out of the office today so no more dramas to impart .

[BerylStreep]

Good idea GoblinChild - turn it round to highlight that she was lacking in not having advised everyone of her allergy beforehand. She should have been more responsible. Great idea to insist that protocols are posted prominently and laminated, ( love that last bit).

I doubt the allergy story. She's picking on you.

Personally I wouldn't think twice about stirring coffee and tea with the same spoon. You have done nothing wrong. Remember that.

[Lovecat]

YABU and I can't believe people are calling you flaky and a space cadet. Your boss is completely out of order.

In fact, having just escaped a similar boss (and no-one said a word while she was there and got me so depressed, on edge and self-questioning that I ended up afraid to do anything because everything I did was wrong in her eyes, but the second she was out the door everyone was 'ohh, wasn't X terrible? Thank God she's gone, she was a god-awful man-manager and a horrible person to boot - yeah, and when I complained to my senior manager about her I was made out to be the problem! Grr...) I would say get out if you can and look for another job. People like that can destroy your confidence. I was a very successful manager before I went on maternity leave - when I returned she'd been put in charge and I found myself doing an office junior role (because that's all I could expect with my inflexible hours) and being belittled for it. It nearly gave me a breakdown, don't let this happen to you.

Agree re. the epipen, if it was that serious NO WAY would she let anyone make her a coffee!

(she isn't from the North American continent and you don't work in a Bank, do you? Would hate to think there are lots of people like that out there!)

[mathanxiety]

OP, YANBU. She sounds as if she is really up herself. "Honey" was out of order, especially if the group was mixed. It makes you out to be the 'blonde' even if you're not blonde.

I don't believe the coffee thing unless she has an epi pen.

Some pointers on the meeting to help you play defensively in the future:

When you know you resolved something successfully in the past but can't remember the exact details of your accomplishment, say you know you dealt successfully with it (don't be afraid to toot your own horn quietly here), but of course it was a while back and you'll send her and any other interested parties a memo when you research it/ find it in the files (rack your brains). Don't hand her any opportunity to condescend by asking for her help with your memory. That way you look as if you can't remember things, and need help. Never give this person the impression that you have failed in any way, big or small, Find a way to express everything as a success, or to offer a reasonable solution that underlines your competence, team-playerishness and what a generally good egg you are.

You should not be making the nice gesture of making tea and coffee for people. That is traditionally what 'Mummy' does, at home. Please don't do it in the office.

If you let her get away with incidents like this in the future you will become the victim of the whole office - someone like this can poison the atmosphere in a workplace and create an environment where there is a scapegoat for everything that goes wrong, or even invent things that go wrong (the coffee..) just to keep up the hostile atmosphere.

[Goblinchild]

piriton

[Goblinchild]

If she has a severe allergy, she IBU not to have informed everyone at the start.
Ask her is she has pititon available, or an epipen.
What else triggers it? You ought to have a clear protocol established, laminated and up somewhere so that you all know exactly what to do if she has an allergic reaction.
Ask her to make one, for everyone's safety.

Yes IMO, female bosses without children are the worst to work for.

[dignified]

No one would arse to specificly remember something like that , and she knows it.

[confuddledDOTcom]

Unless I specifically laid out two spoons and hadn't just grabbed the nearest I would not remember what I'd done when making drinks.

[dignified]

Kick , i thought that too .

Op you dont sound like a space cadet at all , you saved her face in the meeting and she belittled you , the coffee thing sounds bollocks too .

Sounds like shes trying to put labels on you and have you doubt yourself . Not nice.

[KickArseQueen]

Shandy, do you think she might be gaslighting you?

I'm with you btw she was out of order on the 1st occasion and she was a bit loony over the coffee thing - surely she should have told anyone who might be making coffee if she had an allergy???

It sounds to me as though you are not as confident in yourself as you could be and I totally get the "am I overthinking this"? But it sounds to me as though she is deliberatley making you doubt yourself to feel even less confident...

[BerylStreep]

don't really understand half of the article, but not sure if I will ever touch caffeine again

Sorry, I know it is a bit off topic, but fascinating nonetheless.

[starkadder]

Yes, I agree that you should speak to her about it. Either that or forget about it completely.

[BerylStreep]

"What is interesting about coffee allergies is that it can also mimic mental disorders by producing a chemical imbalance in the human body. According to Drs McManamy and Schube, caffeine allergies can produce alternating states of delirium and mania, resembling schizophrenia. They maintained that many patients have been erroneously diagnosed with some type of mental illness."

discussion on link between coffee allergy and mental illness

Velly Interesting

[chipmonkey]

I would also be sceptical about the suddenly-remembered coffee allergy.

[Trop]

I tackled a boss about rude and patronising comments once, I asked her for a moment of her time and went into the boardroom.

Told her it was unecessary and created an atmosphere in the office.

Within minutes she was in tears whineing about what a tough time she was having and how she had a lot of time for me blah blah blah.

I think she was happy being a bully until someone actually stood up to her and behaved like a grown up, then she crumbled.

Needless to say no-one in the office respected her least of all the Directors - however she was the MDs wife so was going nowhere.

[chipmonkey]

Out of four bosses, my nicest has been a woman. So much so, I'm still working for her 14 years on!
tsc, flaky as fuck? Because she can't remember something as trivial as whether she stirred two cups with the one spoon? It's not exactly something that you would feel was important for the advancement of your career, is it?