To not take my daughter to a planned event this evening

[mulranno]

My 9 year yr dd - has been hideous this eve rude, demanding, etc - we have an event planned at her school which we have been looking forward to (just the 2 of us) I have said that I will not take her if she does not behave....what should I do stick to my guns - or give in to save face (amongst friends?)

[OFFS]

Stick to your guns.

[Myleetlepony]

If she does not behave don't take her. No point in trying to discipline her if you don't follow through.

[onimolap]

Now that you have issued the ultimatum, you have to carry through; otherwise you risk your DD never again respecting your word, or believing that consequences will really follow her choices and actions.

[lollipopshoes]

If you said you won't take her then you have to not take her.

[IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp]

If you said she can't go if she misbehaves then you must stick to that, else she'll think she can behave how she likes and still get treats.

We had this last week with DD (3) and a fireworks party. She was naughty, the threat was we wouldn't go and we didn't.

:(

[lollipopshoes]

and don't worry about letting other people down - they'll be really impressed at your fab mothering skills

[coatgate]

Don't issue threats that you don't intend to keep. I just had to shout down the phone to my DD (11) that if she did not eat the soup I had made her before going to dancing, she would not be going to her friend's for a sleep over afterwards. Last time she went after dancing they didn't feed her as they had obvioulsy eaten earlier. When I got home she was tucking into a big bowl of homemade carrot and courgette soup. Result!

[badfairy]

Like others have said you have to stick to your guns once you've issued the threat.

[DurhamDurham]

Well.....I'm a bit of a pushover and would prob take her, especially if I was looking forward to the event too. I try to save the fights for the really big things or I feel like we're arguing all the time. I do lay down the law when I feel that they've really pushed their luck. My two girls have turned out to be v lovely teenagers so I must have done something right!

I would have a stern word with her and then put it behind you both and have a lovely evening together.

[mulranno]

Right am sitting it out -- she has now escalated the dramatics and has decided to go on her own on the train...

[IssiNoho]

I have just banned all game console time for a fortnight AND no pocket money for DS2 as he has been incredibly rude at trampolining this afternoon.

If he can't remember to be polite then he has to be made to remember.

I'm evil and I say - don't back down

[IssiNoho]

Crossed posts. Be strong!!!

[OFFS]

Have you someone to sit with her, mulranno? Then you could go on your own. And tell her what a fab time you had.

[runmeragged]

Personally, I'd take her. I think it's really mean not to - she's only 9 and might have had a tiring week at school.

You shouldn't have threatened not to take her in the first place, but since you did, you should admit to her that you shouldn't have done.

[OFFS]

And then what, next time madam is tired and tantrummy? Just let her off with it?

[StayingDavidTennantsGirl]

Sorry, runmeragged - I think she has to carry the threat through, having issued it. Otherwise the next time her dd is tired and acts up, she will expect to get away with it.

[activate]

you really can't give in now because you'll give her the power

you have to stick to it

[Firawla]

you have to stick to it
hopefully she will quickly improve behaviour and aplogise and then you would be able to take her, but dont think you should back down otherwise

[jalopy]

Bloody hell, runmeragged....words fail me.

[LoveBeingAMummy]

Do not give in it will only be worse next if you do.

[FairhairedandFrustrated]

Don't give in!!

We missed the school fair last week because DD was being a bitch challenging!!

She learnt her lesson though! And her friend missed it too, her mum had told her the week before that if she didn't curtail the temper she wouldn't be going, so neither went!

They are both 9!

[olderandwider]

YANBU Kids always test boundaries don't they? I wouldn't let her push over this particular one.

[SE13Mummy]

I wouldn't take her if that was the ultimatum I'd delivered because I'd want her to know I meant what I said. I would possibly consider taking her late/to the second half if she got her act together but it would have to be a pretty spectacular turnaround.

A 9-year-old, tired or otherwise, needs to know there are consequences to poor behaviour. If she has chosen to behave in this way in spite of knowing the consequence then she has, in essence, chosen not to go out this evening.

[OFFS]

If she's tantrumming because she's tired, wouldn't an early night be better for her than a night out? In any case, I imagine that the decision has been made. :)

[Maria2007loveshersleep]

Even with my 2 year old DS I'm learning the hard way that I need to mean it when I issue a threat otherwise don't issue the threat in the first place.

Sometimes it's easy to say 'OK if you don't get in car seat we won't go to... (wherever it is we're going)'- I said it once just out of frustration/anger, without really meaning it as I too was looking forward to going to this particular friend's house. But then when my clever 2 year old wouldn't budge, I have to shamefully admit I forced him in car seat & went to our friend anyway. Big mistake! Even though he's 2 I think it's a bad bad bad idea to threaten something you absolutely don't mean to carry through, so since then I threaten much less & try to find other ways around the situation, or if I do threaten a consequence, tough on me, I then need to carry through.

I do think children of all ages feel much more secure in the knowledge that their parents mean what they're saying.