to not be over the moon when the in-laws joined our first overseas family holiday in 8 years...?

[LongStory]

Well we made it a whole 10 miles in from Calais, leaving the toddler twins with my mum (also caring for a poorly husband) to have a long awaited break with 3 DCs, arrived at the campsite and 'SURPRISE', my in-laws had found the details and decide to book accomodation on the site as well.

I smiled and was delighted as a DIL should be, but two months later I am still fuming - as I doubt that we'll ever get a proper relaxing break away with only three children again.

[Margeaux]

YANBU - I'd feel exactly the same. Maybe they were thinking you might like some extra pairs of hands to hep with the three DC's and that they were doing something nice for you? Even if my in-laws arrived with good intentions I'd still be upset if they'd just turned up unannounced. And as much as I love them I'm not sure I could put on a brave face either

[fartblossom]

That sounds a bit cheeky of them IMO.

We got something similar the other week. Last year we took MIL away for the weekend (FIL passed away earlier on in the year so she is alone) with our family and we are all going away again this year for a weekend. Probably will next year too.

We were thinking about going away twice next year, once for our usual weekend away with MIL and once just me, DH, DS and DD. We were only thinking of going away for a few nights to a holiday cottage/flat. We mentioned to MIL we were thinking of going away then as well and her reaction was something along the lines of "ooh that will be good, I think I'll enjoy that" DH quickly changed the subject. We also feel we have to invite her to every day trip/activity we do. As soon as we mention we're going to do something (like you do in conversation) she immediately acts as though she's been invited too. BTW we do take her places and she's more than welcome a lot of the time. Im not trying to leave her out. I would just like it if it was just the 4 of us sometimes.

Its hard to say "you're not invited" without hurting their feelings.

[GardeningNovice]

Ha they don't do guilt - one reason we ended up not getting married abroad or having a honeymoon was they wanted to come too - wedding fine honeymoon .

They were a nightmare when we became parents taken years to get them to behave and to think about children's needs.

DH won't say anything - would of before accident - but seems like we are back to square one ? his confidence is shot and he gets upset very easily making it hard to rock the boat with his parents. Hence me think I?ll just have to bear it and be more suspicious in future.

Already had to say no to some of her ?helpful ideas? ? one of which was taking eldest 4 out of school and away all summer and leaving her with their friends when they are both working ? friends I don?t know and DC never met. I?m sure she means well at moment ( hasn?t always been that way in past) but ...

Long Story ? at least the children enjoyed themselves. Though I can understand the resentment.

[thephoenix]

OMG, its threads like this that make me glad that my ILs have absolutely no interest in me or their grandchildren and are happy with the occasional call from DH. I've given up trying to me nice and take DC up to visit them as the past few times they've been 'busy' or 'tired'.

OP and others in situation, you have my deepest sympathy, what a nightmare

[diddl]

"They went v quiet when they saw grandma and grandad - greeted them politely but not enthusiastically. I was so proud of them at that moment."

Sorry, had to have a wicked chuckle to myself at that.

We are abroad, ILs have never visited-they think it is our "duty"

They have more or less missed the children growing up tbh.

Last time we visited UK, children didn´t want to bother to see them.

However we did, of course.
MIL came rushing out, arms out for a cuddle-children shook hands with her.

[Chatelaine]

fartblossom, you will have to learn not to mention all your movements in the future to avoid this, and that will set a comfortable boundary. I guess your MIL does not have much to occupy herself and that is a shame. Her pleasure is all about her family. As a general point, when widowed, life is very lonely for many if they do not have outside interest/friends/network. From a couple's point of view, if you have never been close to parents then what is the point? Just remember that you reap what you sow, and sons take partners and you in turn become MIL

[Firawla]

poor you, i would have been fuming. i wouldnt put this past my ILs although i think now they are getting slightly better, but still would be wary of giving details incase of this kind of thing. Its really intrusive and so out of order when its a rare holiday for you without all your dc, if it was one holiday from many would still be slightly annoying but this is really bad

[fartblossom]

Chatelaine. I know what you are saying and we do include MIL in a lot of things. I would say 85% of days out/meals out/activities she comes along and I really dont mind at all. Im finding it hard to word it all without sounding harsh or selfish, when really I completely understand. I would just prefer it if she came because we invited her not cos she invited herself. And yes she does do quite a bit. She is often popping out on the bus, going to various places with her SIL, and going on various trips with her friends. I was trying to say that I understand how the OP feels (although I must admit my story is nowhere near as bad as the OP's or other stories on this thread) as I myself have found an extra family member who we have to accommodate. (so much so when looking at new cars we have to make sure not only can we fit our 2 children, but also an extra adult so I am driving a car that I feel is too big for me - yes I know I should learn to drive )

[fartblossom]

Please dont think that I am saying I dont want her there at all cos that is not what I am trying to say. Id be more offended if she didnt want to do anything with us.

[GardeningNovice]

Just remember that you reap what you sow, and sons take partners and you in turn become MIL .

We do try and compromise - have agreed in principal to DC going away with them when they are older and when they aren't upset.

We've invited them along on a rare daytrip out with us.

But they havn't asked about the holiday - whether it would be o.k if they came like LonyStory's IL they are making massive assumptions. We've made unwelcome noises, (I've actually said I didn't want them there wwhich was ignored) made alot of fuss about wanting time together ie not withthem - but if they just turn up you have to cope.

A possible compromise is we all go somewhere together at Christmas ( if we get some compensation from accident)- but can't mention that in passing as they will want to do both - had with the eldest DC first birthday. (So pushing second for just us holiday idea to DH with little success at moment.)

The problem Long Story has is still being upset by their behavior months after - place money IL arn't thinking about it.

[EmmaKateWH]

Omigod that's horrifying! How can they think its acceptable to crash your family holiday like that? Unbelievably bad judgment on their part! I think you are heroic that you pretended to be pleased as opposed to shocked and horrified.

[FakePlasticTrees]

GardeningNovice - can you sit down with your MIL one to one and tell her straight that you need some time just you, DH and the DC's and that while you'd love to go away with them another time, you don't want to make this an extended family holiday and you and DH need some 'alone time'. Perhaps that would get through to her. (because let's face it, everyone knows 'alone time' for a couple means lots of energetic sex)

[Chatelaine]

fartblossom - please don't think I was being judgemental. My point is that families have the right to their privacy, but it takes huge balance and care to achieve this and include others, but it's worth striving for as everyone does better in the long run. It can be so hard, especially if you come from different backgrounds. Young people are often criticized for not considering the older generations's point of view and not making sacrifices of time and effort. It's an ongoing consideration in families and that's just the way it is - never resolved, just managed.

[LongStory]

Nothing deep & meaningful about the fuming months after - they came to stay this weekend and it reminded me how annoying they can be! Still, I think I'd prefer them being loving in their own special way, over not caring. They live about 4 hours drive away (phew!)

I do agree about being open beyond the nuclear family, and this break was supposed to be an exception to a life which is full of lots and lots of people (which I love).

[GardeningNovice]

(because let's face it, everyone knows 'alone time' for a couple means lots of energetic sex)

They wanted to come on honeymoon with us - seriously they couldn't see a problem we ended up not going on one.

They know where we are going, when and last vist were trying to pin our travel arrangments down apparently in passing (took opportunity to say didn't see why the need to know as we didn't want them there - very clear and was ignored)- I'm pretty sure they are coming and may have already booked something.

Still we don't know for sure and they haven't done anything yet so it hard to push it further. In-law don't get family time or family holidays -DH only child never took him way with them.

DH is fragile so massive row over something that hasn't happened and I can't prove is going to isn't going to be helpful ( though he isn't pleased).

As I see it if they turn up I can either have massive row,seeth resentment or make the best of it and make dam sure this situation never happens again.

It's annoying we ususally not this vunerable - I avoid or quickly sort out 'misunderstanding'. Yet another thing stupid driver has f-up for us .

Must follow LongStory example - (note keep muttering to self at least they care, at least they care ... must enjoy holiday whatever, at least they care ...)

[LongStory]

mutter mutter mutter, still I didn't tell you about the £100 cheque we got from the in-laws for each of the children, and then only £50 each for the twins...!

y'know the way I cope (apart from ranting here) is to assume they've got some form of mild dementia and don't realise the impact of what they say/do on other people.

Oh gosh I really hope it doesn't happen to you!

[LongStory]

holiday crashing, that is, as well as dementia!

[LongStory]

to be 100pc clear, neither.

[sue52]

My goodness how insensitive of them to just turn up. DH and I would never dream of going on holiday with DD1 and her partner. A holiday means a break from normal life and that includes your relatives and in laws.

[Dropdeadfred]

Gardeningnovice - to ascertain if the inlaws do have plans to gatecrash your holiday(and only if you cannot ask them ouright) could you invent something that you need them to do at your house while your away? water plants/feed pets/take delivery of package etc
hthen see if they admit that they will not be around?

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

Hindsight is a bitch but if anything remotely similar ever (god forbid) happens again then upon arrival ask them what their plans for the week are, then plan your days out so they dont clash. Get sneaky, get up early, in other words, scarper and dont come back till dinnertime!

[mama2moo]

OMG. I have heard it all now.

From now on I will give fake holiday details to anyone who asks - gardeningnovice Can you change your plans and keep it secret??

[FakePlasticTrees]

GardeningNovice - perhaps then you need to be more dramatic - tell your MIL that you two need some alone time as you are trying for another DC and you think it'll put her DS off his stride if his parents are on the holiday too. (If you can really brazen it out, say the doctor's said you need to really enjoy it to increase the chances of sucess and it might all be a bit noisy...)

Or tell her you've had to change the dates due to work commitments and are now going a fortnight earlier.

Or tell her you would love to arrange another holiday with them, but they must understand you don't want to share this holiday with them as it's a special time for you and DH and you'll be hurt if they don't care about your feelings enough to give you this space.

I'm a bit that you just didn't go on honeymoon rather than tell them they couldn't come along too. They need telling.

[Chatelaine]

Some very harsh comments on this thread, glad I'm not related to any of you.

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

Chatelaine, if you think it's appropriate behaviour to gatecrash somebody elses family holiday im quite glad im not related to you!