to not be over the moon when the in-laws joined our first overseas family holiday in 8 years...?

[LongStory]

Well we made it a whole 10 miles in from Calais, leaving the toddler twins with my mum (also caring for a poorly husband) to have a long awaited break with 3 DCs, arrived at the campsite and 'SURPRISE', my in-laws had found the details and decide to book accomodation on the site as well.

I smiled and was delighted as a DIL should be, but two months later I am still fuming - as I doubt that we'll ever get a proper relaxing break away with only three children again.

[Jane054848]

Incredibly presumptious.

If they liked the idea of joining you they could have said something like "Oh we'd love to go somewhere like that" and then if you didn't say - "then why don't you come along!" - that means you didn't bloody want them along.

I love my inlaws and would love to have them on holiday with us, but they would never in a million years just invite themselves along.

I'm amazed at such behaviour.

[moominmarvellous]

Forgot to say definitely YANBU. How....I don't even know what the correct word is but....clueless/thoughtless of them to just turn up there.

If you do ever get a chance to do something similar with the DC's, which I hope you do, and notice them probing you for holiday details, throw them off the scent and tell them somewhere completely different - that'll teach em!

[moominmarvellous]

I'd bloody hate that. We went on a recent family holiday, so they were supposed to be there, but any time we tried to take a bit of time to ourselves, just at the park for an hour (also to give them some time) they'd turn up with the flipping camcorder. My grimaces well are well documented that week.

On a similar note we're moving a bit further out (only another half hour or so's journey) they've been looking up house prices in our new area 'out of interest'

Does anyone know how much 3 beds semis are going for in Outer Mongolia......out of interest????

[diddl]

Well I think if the ILs used to go away with their ILs/parents, then they might see it as a family holiday.

If not, not quite sure why they would tbh.

[GardeningNovice]

sorry lost ablity to type corrctly - must go sleep.

[GardeningNovice]

Chatalaine
...bet the IL just want to be closer to the GCs

Yes I can see that - if it was agreeded with us then find and I'd be happy with any other holiday but our first ever after a horrible time for us and DC. I don't need added stress and family tension what I need is a break.

As we are paying with our hard earned cash - saved over long period of time and waited for for so long why do we now have to potentially accomodate other family members (with history of not always being nice to us and causing unnessary stress and tension) rather than just enjoying ourselves for once?

[GardeningNovice]

I'm a bit that you just didn't go on honeymoon rather than tell them they couldn't come along too. They need telling.

FakePlasticTrees
Took having kids to give me some back bone - took DH a liitle longer but its been hard work teaching them no -they had got there though.

MIL doesn't want more grandchildren - been very vocal on subject think she'd turn up to prevent - (we find it amusing).

mama2moo
wish we could change plans - hemmed in with DH work and treatment and school.

Dropdeadfred
They live quiet a distance away - and I have family nearer so nice idea but can't see it working.

AmazingBouncingFerret
Good idea .

LongStory
mutter mutter mutter, still I didn't tell you about the £100 cheque we got from the in-laws for each of the children, and then only £50 each for the twins...!

That's awful. MIL did say somethings when I was pregant with second DC that made me worry about this - she was TOLD differnt treatment- wasn't acceptable and to be fair she did try. She has come round to both yonger ones herself anyway- helps they are natural charmers.

[pingviner]

OMG my grandmother used to do this to us

and as undutiful grandkids we were not greatful
because our semi-relaxed on holiday mother would snap back into panicked stress mode

and they didnt want to bumble along to the beach and generally interact: they wanted to be entertained by us

and we were not performing monkeys

respect to your politely enthusiastic kids

[Chatelaine]

er, someone else's family holiday? surely the point is that they consider themselves "family". Family is not just for Christmas! Sorry for the family who was resentful over a £100 split for twins Get over it, be generous with your crumbs...bet the IL just want to be closer to the GCs

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

Chatelaine, if you think it's appropriate behaviour to gatecrash somebody elses family holiday im quite glad im not related to you!

[Chatelaine]

Some very harsh comments on this thread, glad I'm not related to any of you.

[FakePlasticTrees]

GardeningNovice - perhaps then you need to be more dramatic - tell your MIL that you two need some alone time as you are trying for another DC and you think it'll put her DS off his stride if his parents are on the holiday too. (If you can really brazen it out, say the doctor's said you need to really enjoy it to increase the chances of sucess and it might all be a bit noisy...)

Or tell her you've had to change the dates due to work commitments and are now going a fortnight earlier.

Or tell her you would love to arrange another holiday with them, but they must understand you don't want to share this holiday with them as it's a special time for you and DH and you'll be hurt if they don't care about your feelings enough to give you this space.

I'm a bit that you just didn't go on honeymoon rather than tell them they couldn't come along too. They need telling.

[mama2moo]

OMG. I have heard it all now.

From now on I will give fake holiday details to anyone who asks - gardeningnovice Can you change your plans and keep it secret??

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

Hindsight is a bitch but if anything remotely similar ever (god forbid) happens again then upon arrival ask them what their plans for the week are, then plan your days out so they dont clash. Get sneaky, get up early, in other words, scarper and dont come back till dinnertime!

[Dropdeadfred]

Gardeningnovice - to ascertain if the inlaws do have plans to gatecrash your holiday(and only if you cannot ask them ouright) could you invent something that you need them to do at your house while your away? water plants/feed pets/take delivery of package etc
hthen see if they admit that they will not be around?

[sue52]

My goodness how insensitive of them to just turn up. DH and I would never dream of going on holiday with DD1 and her partner. A holiday means a break from normal life and that includes your relatives and in laws.

[LongStory]

to be 100pc clear, neither.

[LongStory]

holiday crashing, that is, as well as dementia!

[LongStory]

mutter mutter mutter, still I didn't tell you about the £100 cheque we got from the in-laws for each of the children, and then only £50 each for the twins...!

y'know the way I cope (apart from ranting here) is to assume they've got some form of mild dementia and don't realise the impact of what they say/do on other people.

Oh gosh I really hope it doesn't happen to you!

[GardeningNovice]

(because let's face it, everyone knows 'alone time' for a couple means lots of energetic sex)

They wanted to come on honeymoon with us - seriously they couldn't see a problem we ended up not going on one.

They know where we are going, when and last vist were trying to pin our travel arrangments down apparently in passing (took opportunity to say didn't see why the need to know as we didn't want them there - very clear and was ignored)- I'm pretty sure they are coming and may have already booked something.

Still we don't know for sure and they haven't done anything yet so it hard to push it further. In-law don't get family time or family holidays -DH only child never took him way with them.

DH is fragile so massive row over something that hasn't happened and I can't prove is going to isn't going to be helpful ( though he isn't pleased).

As I see it if they turn up I can either have massive row,seeth resentment or make the best of it and make dam sure this situation never happens again.

It's annoying we ususally not this vunerable - I avoid or quickly sort out 'misunderstanding'. Yet another thing stupid driver has f-up for us .

Must follow LongStory example - (note keep muttering to self at least they care, at least they care ... must enjoy holiday whatever, at least they care ...)

[LongStory]

Nothing deep & meaningful about the fuming months after - they came to stay this weekend and it reminded me how annoying they can be! Still, I think I'd prefer them being loving in their own special way, over not caring. They live about 4 hours drive away (phew!)

I do agree about being open beyond the nuclear family, and this break was supposed to be an exception to a life which is full of lots and lots of people (which I love).

[Chatelaine]

fartblossom - please don't think I was being judgemental. My point is that families have the right to their privacy, but it takes huge balance and care to achieve this and include others, but it's worth striving for as everyone does better in the long run. It can be so hard, especially if you come from different backgrounds. Young people are often criticized for not considering the older generations's point of view and not making sacrifices of time and effort. It's an ongoing consideration in families and that's just the way it is - never resolved, just managed.

[FakePlasticTrees]

GardeningNovice - can you sit down with your MIL one to one and tell her straight that you need some time just you, DH and the DC's and that while you'd love to go away with them another time, you don't want to make this an extended family holiday and you and DH need some 'alone time'. Perhaps that would get through to her. (because let's face it, everyone knows 'alone time' for a couple means lots of energetic sex)

[EmmaKateWH]

Omigod that's horrifying! How can they think its acceptable to crash your family holiday like that? Unbelievably bad judgment on their part! I think you are heroic that you pretended to be pleased as opposed to shocked and horrified.

[GardeningNovice]

Just remember that you reap what you sow, and sons take partners and you in turn become MIL .

We do try and compromise - have agreed in principal to DC going away with them when they are older and when they aren't upset.

We've invited them along on a rare daytrip out with us.

But they havn't asked about the holiday - whether it would be o.k if they came like LonyStory's IL they are making massive assumptions. We've made unwelcome noises, (I've actually said I didn't want them there wwhich was ignored) made alot of fuss about wanting time together ie not withthem - but if they just turn up you have to cope.

A possible compromise is we all go somewhere together at Christmas ( if we get some compensation from accident)- but can't mention that in passing as they will want to do both - had with the eldest DC first birthday. (So pushing second for just us holiday idea to DH with little success at moment.)

The problem Long Story has is still being upset by their behavior months after - place money IL arn't thinking about it.