Totally numb

[feelingdesolate]

Our lo moved in 6 weeks ago. Things have been very tough, but we knew we'd have some challenging behaviour to deal with.
We've just found out that our lo has been diagnosed as having severe learning difficulties but this has never been mentioned to us before... it's detailed in an Ed Psych report that was carried out in May last year but it wasn't in the lo's PAR, not in the pack of paperwork we were given, not in the medical advisers paperwork (the medical adviser never saw it) nowhere.
Now our lo has moved in and we've had our first LAC review, this report has just appeared. To explain, we have birth children, one of whom has autism so we said we couldn't cope with a child with severe difficulties. This was the opening line in our adopters profile.
At the review, the IRO said that if she'd seen our profile and held it up to our lo's, she would never had put us together.
There is a chance that our lo could grow up to become an adult with the mental ability of a 3 year old. I can't commit my birth daughter to be a lifelong carer for her adoptive sibling - this would be the situation when my husband and I have gone. She's only 12 - I can't map her life out like that.
We have been told we can complain, we have been sent the complaints procedure. The social services have said they will offer us counselling, training, support etc etc etc if we continue the placement.
I can't get my head around it. We said we wouldn't be able to cope with a child with severe difficulties and that is exactly what they have matched us with but hidden the damning evidence until it's too late!
We have to decide whether to continue with the placement or not. We have to try to explain to our children what is happening and try to explain to them the reasons why their new sibling might not be there any more.
I feel totally shell shocked, numb, sick, stressed out, can't sleep, can't eat.
My husband and I are coming to the opinion that our lo needs to be with someone who can devote all their time where we cannot.
How do you make such a huge decision and still carry on???

[HappyFlappy]

I'm not an adopter, and can only begin to imagine the distress and pain you are experiencing.

Do whatever you feel is best for your family - because will also ultimately be what is best for your LO. If you decide to take her into your family, and then find that you cannot cope and SS doesn't offer the help they are so glibly promising, then the breakdown of the adoption placement would be even worse for you, your family and for her. You would all have grown to love and care for each other, and the emotional fall-out will be tremendous. (I'm not telling you not to go-ahead, obviously, if you feel it is right - just that if you decide not to, it is in the LO's interests as well.)

You've been badly treated by the SS. This is an awful situation for you all.

[tldr]

I have nothing to add to the advice you've had here already, but I wanted to add to the 'no judgement' chorus. As adopters we know we're taking a risk, but for SS to have hidden this from you, intentionally or otherwise, is unforgivable.

(We had a tiny taste of similar before placement - we'd only been given a fraction of the available information, were unaware there was anything missing, til we got it, and all it revealed, days before matching panel.)

I also agree that you should seek legal advice and sue the arse off them - it's the only thing that will force better practice.

[conserveisposhforjam]

This happened to us but the other way around iyswim - lo arrived with diagnosed issue then - when we started pushing - a report surfaced from 6 months before saying that the issue was the lesser of two possibilities and, in fact, had now disappeared. Obviously that report could just as easily have been confirming the more serious, lifelong condition.

So for anyone thinking it couldn't possibly happen, yeah, it does because about five people did their job really really badly in our case and were then total cunts about it when we pointed that out

And op nothing to add to the advice here but hugs and

[feelingdesolate]

Again, thank you all for your support. It is hugely appreciated.

[C0RAL]

Another person saying that yeah this happens all the time. There are not " numerous discussions and meetings " . Information is frequently withheld from the adopters and their SW on the grounds of confidentiality.

Tests are not done and consultations not taken in case it reveals "negative " information. This is justified on the grounds that it would be better done once the child is placed permanently.

I was given a whole lot of information after the adoption order was granted. I mean that quite literally - I was taken aside by a SW in the court building and told " we didn't want to tell you this is case you didn't go through with it but you should know this......" .

None of that information was critical to me. But it made me suspicious and I requested a lot of files under data protection. It took months to come and was heavily redacted. Then I discovered a lot of information that may well have influenced my decision if I known prior to matching.

Many SW feel that because adopters take some risk, they should be willing to take any risks. And that adopters don't have the right to choose what is or is not an acceptable risk to them.

The more information they give out, the more questions are asked and the more the balance of power changes and they really need to be the ones with the power.

I'm so sorry OP , your children and this poor LO are the latest victims of these 'games ' . I hope you are able to come to a decision and be at peace with that.

[bellasuewow]

Very helpful post coral and good to know, we are coming to the end of stage 2 and I am reading this with great interest.

[Ketzele]

I absolutely agree with Coral. Sadly.

[feelingdesolate]

I am absolutely staggered by the amount of people who have had similar experiences.

It is so wrong that our lives are investigated to the nth degree to ensure we are appropriate to adopt but they, in turn, hide such important information, especially when there are other children involved.

That is my main concern, my birth children - especially my son with autism - we have given this huge amounts of thought and have realised we have no option but to disrupt. We can't allow the children to become any more attached to each other and not understand the implications of what has gone on.

We will be complaining, believe me, they have screwed with the wrong person. Heartbreak and disbelief is being replaced with anger - for what they have done to us, our children and our lo.

[crispandcheesesandwichplease]

I am also staggered by the amount of people with similar experiences. The lack of morality and integrity is appalling. I've been a children's SW and quite honestly would not be able to sleep at night if I'd behaved like this, ever.

I think it's true that some professionals think adopters should put up with anything in order to get a desperately needed child. It's a disgrace.

Feelingsodesolate I believe you've made the hardest but kindest and wisest decision. Your hearts must be broken. As someone upthread said, if you can find the energy make a formal complaint, but look after yourself first. If you do complain and are not satisfied with the response go to your MP, go to the press, do whatever it takes to get this out in the open if you must.

[fasparent]

May be a chance too air concerns regards pre adoption concerns and system. www.gov.uk/government/consultations/national-fostering-stocktake-call-for-evidence
?? Adoption LAC Medicals often out of date as subject too late professional reports and updates.
?? Health and Assessment's postponed as child may be adopted out of area.
?? Use of pupil premium.
?? Education pathway plans not in place holding up Psychological Education assessment's, and Educational Health care and support plans not addressed as a result.
These are just a few areas that need addressing.
Just a few examples .

[2old2beamum]

Feelingsodesolate I am so sorry you are going through this but you must put the whole family first.

We sadly had to relinquish A age 12, she was placed with us when our other adopted DCs were E 3 and B6 and she like them had Down Syndrome and I cockily thought easypeasy.
It started by her pushing E down stairs twice and bullying B then the self harming started and one morning came downstairs with 2 black eyes and split lip. Rang paediatrician who arranged a police surgeon to examine her (apparently for our protection) After a lot of soul searching we decided she needed to return to the Childrens Home.

We then met birth father who said he was very worried about the placement as she was known to be violent and showed us documentation.

I still feel guilty but I know we made the right decision for everyone. BTW we had a 4month old LO placed 6 months later.
And ignore the judgemental know it alls they have not a clue,
Good luck x

[C0RAL]

I'm sorry to disagree with other knowledgable amd experienced posters about making a complaint.

I would strongly advise you NOT to do this, unless your are sure that you don't want to go on with adoption AND all your other children are over 17. Or you have moved out of the UK and wont be returning until your children are adults.

If you make a complaint about SS and there's a finding against them, they are very VERY vengeful. I personally know two families and of at least one other who lost their other children after they had a serious complaint upheld against the local authority. So it's very risky to go down that route.

At best you will get a lot of grief and nothing to show for it. It won't change the culture as it's too ingrained and they have the " get out of jail free " card of " professional judgement " .

The most likely outcome is that you will get a letter saying, in effect

" well yes there's a lot of uncertainty in adoption and no there are no guarantees and I'm sorry you found that hard to deal with. Maybe if you had read more about adoption you would have understood that.

" And we have to protect the confidentiality of the child / birth family so you cant see everything . And we told you this all at the start so you obviously weren't listening so really this is your problem not ours so fuck off already "

That's at best. At worst you are risking the safety of your other children.

I'm sorry, I'm sure this doesn't help you in your current situation.

[flapjackfairy]

Hi again feeling.
I totally get your decision to disrupt and am in no way trying to change your mind just wanted to say (as someone did earlier) that long term fostering of this child could be a solution as you would be paid a decent allowance to enable one of you to be at home with the kids and long term the child would remain the responsibility of the la so they have to provide support at a reasonable level . The child would go into adult services when older so no concerns re your children taking on the responsibility.
And if you did adopt you could get an adop allowance that was written into the adop order so that they cannot renege on it at a later date so that would provide financial support again to enable one of you to be at home .
I am just making you aware of the support available if you do change your mind .
Sending best wishes whatever you decide xxx

[lookatyourwatchnow]

coral's last post is scaremongering and fictitious. Ignore it OP, and proceed with the complaint.

When I mentioned up thread that there are numerous meetings and discussions, there are. Many before the point of a placement order being made and before a match being secured. This is the opportunity to gather as much information as possible about the child for matching. As an IRO and former SW it makes me sad and angry that so many adopters and children have been in this situation because relevant information had not been shared.

[crispandcheesesandwichplease]

CORAL the local authority cannot just remove children out of vindictiveness. They have to go to court and provide evidence to prove that a child "Has suffered or is likely to suffer significant harm". That evidence is then tested and the parents have legal representation to challenge the evidence. There is also a Children's Guardian appointed to represent the child independently, plus a solicitor representing the Guardian.

I've done over 20 years working in the Family Courts, I'm not just making this up.

[crispandcheesesandwichplease]

CORAL the local authority cannot just remove children out of vindictiveness. They have to go to court and provide evidence to prove that a child "Has suffered or is likely to suffer significant harm". That evidence is then tested and the parents have legal representation to challenge the evidence. There is also a Children's Guardian appointed to represent the child independently, plus a solicitor representing the Guardian.

I've done over 20 years working in the Family Courts, I'm not just making this up.

[AnneofGreenGablesAgain]

Are you thinking of this case about the parents who were both social workers themselves, Coral?

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/9977557/Haringey-council-tried-to-crush-our-family.html

[crispandcheesesandwichplease]

feelingso desolate, your thread has been hijacked a bit, ignore that.

How are you managing?

[C0RAL]

I can assure you that I am neither scaremongering nor fictitious. I have been on these boards a great deal longer than you and know many posters in RL. Just because you personally have not had any experience of these things doesn't meant it can't happen, I can assure you.

I know that in real life, SW are used to being able to shout down and silence adopters because they have the power. It doesn't work like than on MN I'm afraid. Everyone is allowed to express a view.

And it's not hijacking - I was responding to the other posts that advised the Op to complain. I have a different view and I'm entitled to express it.

I'm not going to argue with you further on this as it's not the place.

[Allington]

I also know a number of people who have sadly had to disrupt, some of whom complained. None had action taken against their other children. At least 2 went on to have a child placed with them afterwards.

[C0RAL]

I'm pleased to hear that Allington, that's exactly what should happen. A well managed complaints system should Improve the quality of service.

I wasn't suggesting it ALWAYS happens, just that it can and does happen. And if it were me I would not risk it.

But of course we all have different attitudes to risk, which is pretty much the core issue here. As always, the ones who are taking on the risk /issue are the adopters, not any of the SW concerned, who are very unlikely to be around when the proverbial hits the fan.

Yes of course an agency has a legal duty to support families after placement . But this board is full of heart breaking threads from posters whose families are at their wits end trying to get post adoption suport for their very troubled children.

So yes it's great when it work. And pretty shit when it doesn't.

[Italiangreyhound]

It's quite common for people to argue on here that they have not heard of or seen this or that but it doesn't mean others have not.

I would expect good social workers not to know about dodgy or bad practice but I am sure it does still happen (as has happened to the OP).

OP whatever you decide I wish you all the very best.

[slkk]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. We were also lied to and have ended up with a child with two issues that we said we did not feel we could manage (we also have birth children). It has affected their
Iives and has almost broken us as a family, mainly from the guilt I feel about disrupting their peaceful childhoods. But they love him and so do we so we will find a way to be happy again.
I think you have made a grave decision and are thinking about what is best for ALL the children. I hope your new little one will find a family who can devote all their time to him if you do disrupt. Do write him a letter for later explaining that you did this for him.
And on the subject of complaints, we made a complaint. We didn't get much out of it, but post adoption support has been much better since.

[slkk]

Sorry, I mean a BRAVE decision

[feelingdesolate]

I haven't posted for a couple of days as lo had an accident at school that involved ambulances and 2 days in hospital.

Not once has lo's Social Worker contacted me to get an update on lo.

I'm bloody fuming.

We were due to have a disruption meeting at midday on Monday, I had a phone call from school at about 10.50 telling me I was needed. Once I got to school, given the situation, I phoned to see if a representative from Social Services could meet me at the hospital and was told, 'No, we're too busy. Anyway, that's your job!'

I kid you not. If the woman had been standing in front of me I'd be doing time by now. I cannot believe the callous bitch could be so fucking cold.

They had to arrange for someone to be at the hospital to allow a general anaesthetic to be administered - they managed to rope some poor chap from fostering in to do it. He was told he had to be at the hospital for 7.30 am - he drove about 150 miles to be there!

WTAF??? Surely someone more local, given that this poor child is about to go through a disruption, was massively traumatised and about to go into surgery, surely they could have got someone known to attend???

I had a very good, very frank conversation with him whilst lo was in surgery. He's going to take it up locally.

In the meantime, my husband and I had to write a letter stating our reasons as to why we want to disrupt. They've had it - chapter and verse - both barrels.

Once again, thank you all for your support and kind words. Everyone's comments have helped so much. We will be complaining, but once the dust has settled and we've had time to come to terms with what's happened.