A rose by any other name, would smell so sweet!

[Italiangreyhound]

Please, if you feel willing and able, come and share your thoughts on names.

Please, please be aware this will be a sensitive and emotive topic so please:

Only share what you feel comfortable and no real names or nick names at all, please.

We were told we should not change a child's name. But I know some people do, have done, will do. I know that it used to be common practice.

Does anyone use nicknames or pet names or change things round?

Have any people adopted as children experienced name change either by their choice or adopted parent choice and how does it feel.

How do birth and adoptive parents feel?

Sorry, I know it will be emotive so let's all be nice to each other! after all this my thread will probably be empty!

[KristinaM]

You only need a deed poll ( in England and Wales ) if you decide to change your child's name after the adoption order is granted.

[weregoingtothezoo]

This thread has made me so sad - I usually wouldn't say this but feel accepted enough now to do so - I am left with nothing, but 7 lines a year. Naming DD (top 50 name that year, followed by my mum's name, who she spent a lot of time with and loved, and who died 2 months after she was taken into care) is one of the most special things I have. I haven't been able to sleep thinking of how insignificant that is to people. I can't imagine the mindset of someone who chooses a name so they can find a child though - naming your child is a beautiful privilege, and I spent 4/5 years telling DD it was her name because it was a beautiful name I chose for her, and it might be taken away. I take it I wouldn't get to know either if it had? Really struggling this morning - maybe this might give someone the other side of the story.

[hollyhunter]

weregoingtothezoo in your particular case i maybe i would keep the mainstream name

however if you have 3 children called tom dick and harry and then you adopt a Kahley (carly) the name is going to stick out like a sore thumb, surely its better for the child to integrate into the family that they will spend the rest of thier life with?

[JammieMummy]

weregoingtothezoo if we had adopted your child we would never have changed the name! She was 4/5 years old which is far too old to change a name and it was a popular name if it was in the top 50. I cannot see any reason why in this situation a name change would be allowed.

If it helps at all DH and I agonised over the name changes to our 2 and kept DDs middle name and gave DS his first name as a middle name. As I say about we were told we had to for very specific reason, but it definitely wasn't a decision we took lightly.

I think it is incredibly unfair you only receive 7 lines about your daughter a year, I know of thankfully a small number of adopters who take this approach to letterbox contact and I absolutely do not understand it!

[weregoingtothezoo]

Sorry, made it sound like this is the first time I've thought of it - it's not, at the end of the final hearing, the judge said, so, is she going to stay a XXXXXX to which the social worker looked sheepish and said, yes, yes, she is... but then if she wasn't ( she was 6 by then) they were hardly going to say so to me, were they...
No point worrying as nothing I can do but it's those sort of things that keep you up at night.

[Pigeonhouse]

But surely, even taking security concerns into account, if relevant, no one is going to change a six-year-old's name, whatever it is?

[Italiangreyhound]

weregoingtothezoo I am so very sorry that a thread I started has cause you any pain. I do not for one minute think any person would change a child's name on whim. I think adoptive parents think very seriously about the whole issue of names. It was the social workers blanket 'never change a name' which I found hard to understand.

I am sure you knew that this can happen, but please be reassured lots of people have also come on and said that they have kept the child's name unchanged, so please do not be discouraged. You can see that several people have also spoken about very unusual names, where maybe a very small number of people have that name. It is not going to be the same in a situation with a popular name.

Thank you weregoingtothezoo for sharing the other side of the picture. In my humble opinion I believe your child has your genes, whether her hair or eyes are the same as yours or not, it is your body that determined a lot of things about her, please be reassured that we are made up of so much more than just a name (IMHO). My heart goes out to you and I am very sorry that this has affected you.

[tea4two4three]

I think there is a very big difference here between 'unusual' names and the plain ridiculous. I know a child adopted at 5, so yes old enough to make his own decision, whose name meant a dumb woman who wasn't very bright and slept a round. As soon as he was taken into care he changed it, it had been a massive source of embarrassment to him. I actually feel angry thinking about it as I know officials completing birth certificates can object. However if you just don't like the name Tulisa or Chardonnay then I think you're going to just have to suck it up, come up with a good nickname and take your child's lead as they get older.

[Hels20]

I know of a 7 year old who, after being adopted for 3 years, wanted to change his name because he had become the laughing stock at school. He did not want to stick out any more - he stuck out enough being adopted. The name was not a proper name - but an adjective. Zoo - I would hope that you would agree that perhaps this child and parent could change the name and that it was for the best (SS wanted adoptive parents to change the name because it was so traceable).

I don't dislike my DS's name - but it is about 2,500th most popular for the year he was born - and because we live so close to the birth parents and because of the circumstances he was taken into care, we have serious security and safety concerns. If I had a name that was in top 200 - even if not my taste - or I lived 100 miles away, we wouldn't be thinking of changing the name.

Zoo - please continue to chip in. Your "other perspective" is very important. And I am staggered you are only being given 7 lines - I have no intention of writing such a restrictive letter to my DS's BM. I feel your hurt and I am so sorry if this thread and everyone's thoughts on it have been opening up an old wound. Hugs.

[drspouse]

Our DS' name is at about 125th for the year he was born - which you'd think would be common enough - but there are 2 5 year olds in our town with the name and none his age or (so far) younger. So even at that ranking, if he had a name chosen by birth family and they were close, we might have had to change it. That said, a child over about 4 is going to need to want to change their name.

[RationalThought]

Our DC is 5 and came to us two weeks ago. Although we wouldn't have chosen his name, it is not uncommon and we have no intention of changing it. We will change his middle name (to one of his choice), but his first name is an important part of his identity. Luckily there are no major security issues as bm agreed to adoption order.

[Happiestinwellybobs]

DD was very young when she came, and with a name that I wouldn't have chosen myself. Not a wacky one, just very unusual - think it is ranked somewhere around 500 - 1000. There aren't any security concerns. Birth parents are some distance away.

We do get comments about her name being unusual, but very positive comments.

We have added middle names from our family history so she has her original identity and a link to our past too.

It didn't occur to change the name, but had there been security concerns, the name was misspelt, or a made up name, I would have had no qualms in doing so, and explaining to her later why that was.

I do remember (after spending so much time at the prep course looking at examples of unusual names of LAC, identity issues...) getting that first telephone call about DD. After listening to all the information, the SW said, "do you want to know her name". I took a deep breath and told her to "sock it to me". When she told me, I went, "oh thank god!!" Goodness knows what she thought!

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I wrote a long reply to this thread that has just got lost

Anyway:

I think the starting point should always be to retain names wherever possible. If not possible, to change to something similar (eg more usual spelling). If not, then so be it. I don't believe any adoptive parents would change a name on a whim, or because they have always wanted a child called X.

We kept DD's middle name because it is lovely, not rare, and suits her perfectly. We gave her a new middle name so that both she and DS have a fairly random first name plus a family name.

I completely agree with the poster above about names that "fit" into the new family: we are determined not to have "the birth child and the adopted child", but this would be so much harder with eg a Sebastian and a Kaycee-Chardonnay. It would diminish DD's ability to choose who knew about her being adopted, and I can't see how overall this would benefit her, even if on the other hand she got to retain a link to her birth parent(s).

[Lilka]

I have come across the attitude if "Of course I'm going to change the name and not be bothered about it, because I'm the legal parent so I have the right to name my own child". However most of those few people were posters on a predominantly American forum, so there might be a cultural attitudes towards adoption difference, I'm not sure (and there were plenty who had completely the opposite viewpoint). Also I remember a couple of people saying (one person having been told so by her foster daughters, who were 5 I think, therapist) that it was really important to give the child a new name so they could have a new start, even if they were older. Which I disagreed with but an interesting different opinion

zoo thanks for contributing. I think hearing things from all sides is good

With an older child like your daughter, things are usually very different than with a baby. If I were adopting another older child, I would be doing the exact same thing as last 2 times - child's choice as far as is possible and reasonable. Of course, I don't know what I'd do if I had a very serious security concern with an older child and an unusual name. There was a security issue with DD1but this was the days before Facebook and mass internet use everyday so it wasn't the same.

Naming is very special to some people. Not so much for me and I'm very comfortable with my children having names I didn't choose for them, but for some parents, well I'm sure the idea that they couldn't name their own adoptive child must be incredibly upsetting, if they place more importance on names than me and if naming their child would be extremely special and important for them. I would still say that the child's best interests must be at the forefront of such a decision, but we must acknowledge and validate people's feelings. That's another thing poor preparation and the dogma "no name must ever be changed regardless of the circumstances" gets wrong, IMHO. Lots of adoption issues are really emotive, naming being one of them, and addressing everyone's emotions sensitively is more helpful than ignoring them

By the way - my first name is, IMHO, a nice one. But in the time and place and community I grew up in, it was very unusual. It would have been a totally unremarkable name in a different community in a different area, but not for me - I stood out. And I didn't like it purely because of that, although I was never bullied or anything beyond mild teasing. But I was sensitive to the teasing. As an adult however, I've come to really like my name. So I think I would encourage (but not insist) an older child to consider keeping their original first name as a middle name if they wanted to change, (unless it was truly awful like my ilovehitler example) in case they grow up to like it better

[JammieMummy]

Just as an interesting thing, not just for adopted Children's names but even for your own names this link

Shows you a chart of when the name was popular, it's trends etc it is based on the ONS so it is an English website as I used to find that most were American.

When I first found it I spent ages typing in random names!

[JammieMummy]

Angelswings would you mind PM'ing me the other adoption forum you chat on? I used to use one but it's format drastically changed and I just couldn't get to grips with it and so have been without one since.

I hope you dont mind me asking

[Lilka]

Ooh thanks JammieMummy I saw that ages ago but couldn't find it again

DD1's name just doesn't come up at all. It's that rare! But the shortening/nickname of her name is quite popular
DD2's name has moved all of 1 space in 18 years, and it's below 2000
DS name is popular (I deliberately made sure his new first name was a consistently popular one)

Interesting...goes of to search more random names...

[Moomoomie]

Jammie.... I just put dd1 name in that graph. Only 3 babies registered with that name the year she was born. Goodness that is low!

[Lilka]

7 babies with DD2's name in her year of birth. Not as uncommon as 3 babies but still, it's a pause for thought

No DD1's in that year. Or any year for that matter. And yet there are quite a few of them come up on Facebook. In different countries clearly!

[Lilka]

Oh yeah...6 other babies with DD2's name. The 7th was her! Not sure how that escaped me

[Moomoomie]

It does make you think.
Dd3 name is actually very popular there are three of them in her year group. Her name peaked the year she was born.
As someone said earlier, it is more putting all three girls names together. For that reason I rarely call them by their names while we are out. I tend to just say "girls"

[Angelwings11]

Hi,

I have just seen the message you posted! This forum was set up by an adopter who used to post on AUK before the blue bubbles appeared. Everyone is very supportive and will give you some wonderful advice without judgement. The forum is: adopterssupportuk.freeforums.net

Angelwings11

[JammieMummy]

Thank you - I used to be on AUK but as I said above I just cant cope with it!

[Italiangreyhound]

JammieMummy thanks for posting that link. It is fab.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks for posting all these great comments.