Support thread thread for those feeling a bit overwhelmed by the plethora of threads atm

[Kewcumber]

Thats it really - do you feel a bit under siege?! I do.

I feel cross that I seem to be constantly defending a system that I think is far from perfect but that on the whole those attacking have no idea of the ramifications of some of what they are suggesting.

I feel sad that once more adoptive parents seem to be considered the people who aren't quite behaving perfectly enough when the reality is that our children are where they are because their birth parents weren't quite perfect enough.

On one thread, it was suggested that if adoptive parents couldn't deal with sharing their child with birth parents that perhaps they weren;t up to the job and that if a child had been with adoptive parents for 10 years that maybe be child should still be returned to the birth parents if it were discovered there had been a mistake.

I cannot say again and again and again that I think even 1 mistake is a tragedy and that we must make every effort to avoid this. And yet every new starts again with the assumption that adoptive parents are "against" any birth parents. They seem to think that we have no empathy or understanding of the horror birth parents feel at having a child removed - like we're not really parents and we wouldn't feel the same horror at having our children removed. My blood runs cold at the thought of it.

I have also in the last year had a bit of a wake up call about how convincing people you know can be when they swear blind that they didn't do something, that their child has mental health problems and made up stories. When it was all proven to be true, I can;t tell you how much it shook me - even nice "normal" people do dreadful things to their children and it amazes me that social workers see this all the time and still manage (on the whole) to give parents a fair hearing.

I'd love to be able to have a sensible conversation about how many times parents fight and continue to fight for their children and the children are still subsequently adopted - I think that would help me quantify in my own mind how fair this figure of "thousands" thats been bandied around is, because I'm fed up of not being able to refute it for lack of evidence that that doesn;t seem to stop anyone else.


It's wearing and I'm getting sick of it and I've got work to do.

Here endeth the first rant.

[Italiangreyhound]

Kew wow you skills with the old bold and cross out are awesome. Good job.

[fasparent]

Ghostinthecanvas Contact issues are different for all children proceed with caution, there may be issues you are not aware of. Not uncommon for folks too be receive custodial sentences after Contact issues have been put in place( Innocent until guilty and all that). From experience 5 and 10yrs custodial. one 24 years on some folks don't change sad but that's how it is.
Younger children often have no say on contact issues, but do have when they get older and able too understand and wish too reverse contact issues. As for your situation if you feel strongly would go for minimal as you can with a written in option giving you the right too either or either reduce or increase contact as too the benefit of the child and family members. a very contentious subject area . Worked for us but had many many future problems had too be addressed not easy so be very cautious.

[Italiangreyhound]

weregoingtothezoo the other day I said this to another birth mum on here, I feel kind of cheeky even saying it but may I suggest if it is not too painful that you keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Things you have posted on here etc about wanting your daughter to be settled etc. I just feel you have a wonderful way with words and maybe one day, I don't know, maybe *without getting your hopes up) you will communicate or see your dd again and it would be so good for her to know that she had been in your thoughts in such a positive way. (I say this very humbly as I have no real right to suggest anything to you).

I feel words can get lost in time. I keep a file on my computer of letters to my dd (even though I live with her). I write the letter about twice a year, just general stuff. In the future I will show them to her and if anything happens to me she will get to see the letters to her. I do this because a friend once told me her mum died of cancer when she was a child and never left her any words about how much she meant to here.

[fasparent]

Too the optimist's, Sadly no room's at the Inn, most time's ss get it right
month's later there will be room, after months of medical and social interventions, post traumatic stress 0 too 6month's for example, some will have lifetime medical and social problems but most do go on too supported family's and Adoption., and are loved forever "Better outcome's is the key factor over all.

[ghostinthecanvas]

Thanks fas. Caution all the way. The children have lived with us for 2 years already (can't believe that, so fast) so we are quite informed. It is something I have been thinking about for a while. Need to think a bit longer though.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Thank you for starting this thread, Kew - there has been quite an onslaught recently, hadn't there.

I think I'm a bad adopter:

• blonde hair blue eyed girl
• young (not a baby, but still little)
• very realistic picky about what we could cope with, and DD has no diagnosed medical issues or concerns
• still have a spare room but no intention of filling it

On the other side.... Not a lot

[FamiliesShareGerms]

And thank you to the birth mothers posting here. Please never feel that this board isn't as much for you as it is for adoptive parents. And I may have got something in my eye reading your posts

I'm normally pretty cynical of most government reform programmes, but I do believe that on adoption they are genuine: Gove (the Secretary of State in charge) was adopted himself; Edward Timpson (the minister in charge), grew up with parents who were long time foster parents, so I do think they are acting out from a genuine desire to improve the system not just save money. Frankly, it's not a vote winner to change the fostering / adoption system one way or another, and some of the changes - like extending the school admission criteria to previously LAC who were adopted - has little financial impact but potentially profound impact on the real life outcomes for some of our most vulnerable children.

[m0llyr0se]

Current thinking 9 weeks into placement is that we are good adopters???! Older child, boy, no spare room (no spare space anywhere actually!) and he was about to be placed in LTFC...

We are however average parents - total fail on getting him to eat fruit or veg, always forget something from the leave-the-house routine (brushing teeth, wee-try, drinks / snacks in bag...), can't do the 'Numeracy' (what happened to 'maths'?) homework without referring to a crib sheet and sometimes wish we could have our old life back and go out for dinner and have a lie in!

And I never knew there were so many different jokes you could make about farting ;)

[Kewcumber]

Ooh Molly - you tick lots of boxes - you may actually be a good adopter! But did you take the first child mentioned to you? Thats crucial I gather.

[m0llyr0se]

ah no Kew - we must be bad adopters after all... we saw our LO in CWW at the same time as getting 10 profiles from the national register so we rejected 10 younger, 'easier' children in favour of just the one ... maybe we could get some bunks and take them after all...?

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Oooh, forgot the "take the first one you see" criteria! I'm a partially good adopter after all!

[junowiththegladrags]

I'll sign up to bad adopter.
Blonde blue eyed baby
Still got a spare room
Not the first child discussed.
Adopted because we wanted to, not to "save" him.

Kinnell, I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself now, great that there's all these random posters coming on here to discuss how it should be done.

[RudolphLovesoftplay]

I also forgot "take the first one you see" rule! That firmly swings the balance back into bad adopter for me then, as we turned down 2 sets of children.

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Thanks for starting the thread. I started to read some of the others and couldn't read them as they made me grumpy.

We just started watching the Finding Mum and Dad programme, and didn't get further than the first two minutes. I was getting tearful and my hard as nails husband had a lump in his throat! It made me think of the children we said no to......for very good reasons, but I firmly believe the match has to be right for the child and if you don't feel you have what the child needs, you need to be realistic. I won't forget their names though, and hope they are now placed and happy.

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

By "the others", I mean other threads, not other comments on this one!

[Lilka]

I think I should get double weighting for something

Maryz, I totally understand that. It makes me really sad as well. I will keep commenting but maybe not on threads in the adoption section. Maybe if no one comments, they will just die quickly

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

I love Calvin :) My favourite one is the one where his mum dresses him up to go out in the snow and in the last frame he just slowly falls over under the weight of coats and scarves and ski jackets and hats and gloves and jumpers and boots...

Thanks for starting this thread Kew. It's been pretty bloody awful here in the last few days and I'm really not sure how some of you have kept being so bloody reasonable with people who are just spouting shit about something that's so personal and private and important to so many of you. It's really easy to have a go at a bunch of strangers on the internet about something you know bugger all about though isn't it? In fact that might be the unofficial definition of the internet...

[fasparent]

Linking, matching, is a 3 way process have attended many , the Adoptee's, Suitability (SS) and the child. Suitability can be judged by all 3. until a near perfect match , so most can be confident they are of the best outcome for the children soon too be placed, a good system though not perfect. with the new 26 week's process things should improve, which in reality mean's , Linking and matching process can take place sooner , should fast track the waiting process for adoptee's and more important the child.

[Lilka]

Ah, I know. DD1 was 10 when she came home...actually no, let's go with finalisation, she was 12, and DD2 was 10. I think that ages in double figures should get double weighting. So two lots of double weighting for me

I might be quite high up, but I have several factors working against me. Like turning down lots of profiles. And searching in BMP and CWW. Being approved for only a girl. Oh and nowadays I have threads about being unhappy with my DD's reunion. Big strike against. Bad bad adopter

[steppemum]

I have not adopted, but just wanted to post to support you guys.

I have listened and watched lots of the programs on at the moment and I get quite upset that they only show the parents side and ss are painted as ogres who have stolen their children. It makes for very emotive TV, but is so unfair to the children. How do the film makers really know what is going on in those families??

I totally respect all you do. It is hard enough being a parent without taking on the extra needs of kids who have had a difficult start.