Forced Adoption

[Syd35]

Hi, I'm new to this and wanted to talk about this upsetting situation. Where to start...I will try to make this long story as brief as possible...
My sister's little boy was taken into care a while back due to her drinking and drug use although she always made sure the little one was well looked after. What we thought was a temporary thing has turned into a long drawn out nightmare. The social services are now trying to place him for adoption against her will. My sister dearly wants to be given a chance but the social services are not interested and she hasn't been given any support, just talked down to and belittled. None of the family are in a position to help and I would love to take the child on but my husband is not on board with it so I haven't been able to pursue. I was able to visit him recently and can see he is a very sad and confused child. He loves his mum to bits and they have a lovely bond and it was heart-breaking to hear his foster carer telling him "when you go to your new mummy and daddy". I think it's heartless to tell a young child who is clearly missing his mother that they will be going to a new family. I cannot forget the sadness in his eyes as we said goodbye. Yes my sister has done silly things but she is still young and keeping her away from her child is destroying her. I hate the way SS have handled the whole thing and told lies and had no compassion. They have far too much power and are playing with people's lives. I don't know how they can sleep at night. I understand they have to protect children but how many times have they got it wrong? I am sure with the right support my sister can turn things around but I fear time is running out. Has anyone had a similar experience or any advice?

Italian Greyhound - So nice of you to still be thinking of our situation, I hope you are well.

Funnily enough it's been on my mind lots this past week or so as I am visiting my family next week and it's going to be strange not seeing my nephew. I usually get to see him when I'm visiting. He is still with the foster family until such time that someone wants to adopt him. I'd so like to see him but I don't know if that's possible since my sister's contact has been cut.

I am on good terms with his foster family but my sister is not so it's tricky as she got upset one time I was allowed to see him and she wasn't. (I made contact with the foster family directly previously but don't want to bother them too much).

I don't know who to approach at the SS as don't know the names of anyone dealing with the case. I don't want to ask my sister as she will only be upset about it all.

I am finding it hard to let go and the whole thing keeps going round in my mind. Do you think I should pursue asking via SS if I can see him or will it only upset everyone?

I'm so sorry for your situation. And I don't mean to butt in, but I know of cases (here in the US) where children were allowed to be adopted only if they could keep in touch with certain members of their extended families. Maybe this could be the case with your nephew? I would say keep asking, it can't hurt.

Thinking of you!

Syd35 If I were you I would talk to someone about this, someone who can be of help.

Do adoption services have anything useful to say on this, I wonder if anyone else can advise.

I am not sure what would be best. The future for this little boy is of paramount importance but I am not sure how seeing you would affect him. I would imagine it would help him but I just don't know.

I think if there is someone you can discuss this with, then it would be helpful to do that now.

Talking to someone outside the family would not commit you to doing anything or not doing anything but might just make you more aware of the possibilities.

I think I can totally understand how your sister would feel (I mean as much as anyone can understand and put themselves in another's shes!). I mean if my child had been taken away, for whatever reason, and my sis were to see her, I think (hope) I would feel pleased and at least it was a chance to know how the child was etc BUT I can really see how she would feel upset by the fact you saw him and not her.

I think it is best for you to do whatever feels right for you. You seem like a really caring person. If you will feel happier and better knowing you have tried to see him then that is what I would do. I am sure that you are aware that you may (or may not) upset your sister etc but if your concern is to see your nephew and if this is something that is allowed and is considered helpful for him by those who are caring for him then I think it is totally reasonable for you to look into this.

Will you feel better if you do that? Are you doing it because of love and concern for him and also because it will be good for you to see him? If so, and assuming that the visit goes smoothly and does not upset him then I can't see a problem with it.

BUT I don't know - I am NOT an adopter so I have no idea of all the ins and outs of the law about this but I do think it is reasonable for you to ask and find out. Please do keep in touch with us if it helps you.

Thinking of you.

Syd35 I think the only chance your sister now has of getting her child back is if she launches her own claim (which I think is called a "crave" in Scotland) under the Human Rights Act 1998, or a tort claim or similar claim or application, eg under the inherent jurisdiction of the High Court here in England, submitting that the child is being unnecessarily and disproportionately denied his Article 8 right to respect for his private and family life. I think to have any chance of succeeding your sister will probably need some sort of report from a medic saying that her drug/drink use and or mental health issues are not sufficiently severe to prevent her from being an adequate mother. It is possible to file such claims as a litigant in person here in England and I think it will probably be the same in Scotland, even though the paperwork is different. The chances of success must be relatively slim at this late stage in the proceedings. However, if I was in the position your sister is in I would definitely try one of the above types of application to a court. I don't think the court would refuse to hear her claim even if it wasn't prepared very well, especially if it was supported by some new or different evidence, eg a medical report which differed from the report(s) filed so far in the proceedings. I would say it isn't necessary to "prove" that any existing medical or other reports are "wrong", just that they may be wrong. I think a child's family tree should only be chopped down in relatively extreme circumstances.

You mean I spent hours the other day trying to get a message deleted and then you delete me without me even trying?!! Darn, I'm getting good at this :o

Here is the latest forced adoption related article in the Telegraph :- www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/christopherbooker/8392887/Another-horrible-case-for-you-Mr-Loughton.html

Here is the latest forced adoption related article in the Telegraph :- www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/christopherbooker/8392887/Another-horrible-case-for-you-Mr-Loughton.html

Maybe the best thing is for the child not to be in the care of an addict who uses while she's supposed to be caring for him. Sometimes love and good intentions aren't enough.

Syd I agree with Maryz talk to someone in real life who can help. All the very best.

Please come back and talk to us if it helps you.

Syd sorry that sounded a bit confusing, when I say can help I mean who can help you deal with this in the best way for you, and can help you to be the support you so much want to be for the people in your life.

Do you keep a diary? I think keeping a diary of your thoughts and feelings, or a journal, might help you process your own feelings. Also maybe one day if your nephew asks you questions about this time, you will be able to answer more honestly and accurately if you have an idea of what you have been feeling and thinking. Sometimes writing things down just helps one to deal with feelings better.

Thinking of you.

Syd35 Additional comments re the possibility of using a claim (crave) under the Human Rights Act 1998 to challenge prior court decisions in "public law" child care cases are in this thread :- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/1176783-Childrens-panel-decisions

Thanks for the latest advice. I tracked down the name of the social worker dealing with the case and left my number for her to call me back, surprise surprise she didn't have the courtesy of calling me back.

I am fed up with the whole thing now, I just want to let my nephew know we haven't forgotten him but am on the verge of giving up. These SS should really think about what they're doing. How would they feel if their families were ripped apart.

Sorry to come across negative today when so many of you have been offering support, just feel it's a losing battle as SS are a law unto themselves it would seem.

Thinking of you syd. It must be very frustrating. Hope things work out.

All the best.

Still thinking of you Syd, and I hope you feel a little better today. Keep pushing and calling, and you will get through eventually! I might also (if you feel upto it) try writing your Nephew a letter, that could be put on file for him. Then push and call till they put it there. I know two of my children have at least one letter put on file for them (although I have got copies of said letters, so they won't have to wait to read them)

Social workers DON'T call back, Syd. Hospital doctors don't, either. It is apparently acceptable in both professional cultures and it never ceases to infuriate me.

I'm not surprised you're fed up: you're just trying to be a good aunt, and you would think that the social workers could seize this because, let's face it, your DN may one day be desperately grateful for evidence that his birth family cared.

Lilka's advice is good: write a letter and push for it to be put on file. And take good care of yourself: this must be massively stressful.

Quietly, I'm in Ireland. My husband and I provide respite foster care to a child who has been in care since she was 8 months old. Her mother was utterly incapable of parenting and was eventually reported to SS by her brother but by then, the damage to our FC was done. The mother was never ever going to be allowed to parent our FC again. Our FC was with one family until she was 2 1/2 and was then moved to long-term care. While her long term foster carers have done their best, she has been difficult to rear as she has many issues that are a direct result of the neglect she suffered in her early months. She has lived all her life with the threat of "being sent back" if she doesn't behave. I have had many phone calls from her foster mother saying "will you take her now cos if you can't, she's going back." No child should have to live with that axe over their head. Every child should have the chance to feel that they "belong" to someone, no matter what.

You speak to any social worker here and they will tell you that the ultimate goal of foster care, its raison d'etre, is to mind the child until the mother is ready/able to resume parenting. There is no account taken of the children who will NEVER be returned to their birth parents. They live in the limbo of long term foster care. Not. Fair. End of story.

Syd, I feel for you with all that you're going through. Don't give up on your nephew now. Any contact he has with you will be so important to him in future years.

lettinggo, that is so upsetting. I had no idea about the situation in Ireland till I read about it on this forum. Tell me, is it very controversial in Ireland? Is anyone campaigning for change?

Syd - I'm a retired sw and tm mgr and have 30 years experience in childrens services. Re sw not ringing back - frustrating I know, but on many many occasions I could not always return calls because I was so bogged down with trying to meet deadlines etc. This is the case for all soc wrks these days, especially in child protection cases. They have to spent 70% of their time in front of computers because that is what Lord Laming recommended after the death of Victoria Climbie. The little time they have left is taken up with emergencies and seeing childre who are at risk and carrying out assessments. I can't begin to tell you how much paper work is generated by taking a case to court and how many deadlines there are to meet, SO they have to prioritise and I'm afraid if it is a case of phoning an aunt of a child in care, or going out to assess whether a 6 week baby has to be removed because of ill treatment, it is obvious which one has to be done. I know it is frustrating and manys the night I have gone home with several unanswered requests for phone calls. In the end you just have to think "I've got one head and one pair of hands" and all I can do is prioritise to the best of my ability.

Re seeing your nephew. Can I ask how long it is since you have seen him and how old is the child. In other words, would he know you, or would you be a stranger to him. Contact has to be in the best interests of the child, not the relatives I'm afraid, so I doubt very much that contact with you will be seen as meeting the child's needs. You say your sister still has some contact (sorry if I've got that wrong) could you not ask the sw if it's ok for you to be with your sister when she has contact. That might be the best solution, both for the little boy and your sister, who would not feel you had seen more of her child than you.

All natural parents have the right to leave a letter on file so that when the child is 18 they can ask if their birth mother has left such a letter and whether she would like contact. It is of course up to the adopted person to make efforts to trace his birth parents, if he so wishes, and not the other way around. Although having said that, with the internet I do know of mothers who have traced their adopted children. There is no knowing what will happen in the future, but I am sorry for the feelings of loss that you and your sister will be suffering. I hope that doesn't sound glib, because I always, always felt sorry for the natural parents, even though the child's best interests must be paramount.

Thanks to everyone for the recent comments.

NanaNina it's good to get the perspective from someone who has been in your position. I last saw my nephew at the end of last year and he is of an age where he knows all the family so I would be no stranger to him. My sister is not permitted contact anymore.

I have decided the best course of action is to write to the social worker since my calls are proving fruitless. Let's hope for the courtesy of a reply.

Thanks again for sharing your experience you sound a nice person.

Syd good to hear from you. There have been lots of helpful comments on here and I think you will find the right way ahead. Please do keep talking to us if it helps you.