So sad for my 5yo DD after chatting to my 14 yo DN

[Readysetcake]

My niece is 14 and has been filling us in over a family zoom about what goes on on her social media- basically dic pics and getting asked for pictures all the time. She says her and her mates troll paedophiles for a laugh and that all this started around age 10 in year 6. In year 8 one of her peer group sent in her words “hoo ha” pics to a boyfriend that the got sent around the whole year. 13 for fucks sake.

This has made me terrified and so sad for my DD 5. She’s so innocent and trusting it’s made me feel a bit sick to think in 5 years or less more likely she will be exposed to all this shit.

I know I can’t lock her away but that is what I feel like doing right right now. Googling Amish communities. I feel a bit guilty for her having her knowing she will have to navigate this bullshit world

[FossilisedFanny]

Whilst some are saying this is normal and kids are just having a laugh and would never meet up or send pictures of themselves, there are always going to be more vulnerable children that do .
This might be ‘normal childhood behaviour’ but the adults on the other side of this are far from normal and so anything like this should be reported.

[JanuaryJonez]

Wow. My DD is 14 and extremely transparent about her social life etc and this sort of thing never goes on IME!

The worst I heard was when a friend of hers was gaming with a group of male friends recently and, when she momentarily left the game, she left her mike on and heard one of them mention her bum!

I would definitely inform her school.

[PollyannaMk2]

I’ve heard from teacher friends of dick pics and porn being screen shared into online lessons by this age group. Obviously then dealt with by the school but they have access to this stuff.

[BogRollBOGOF]

@thecatfromjapan

I think your later posts make it clear there's more going on here than just the internet stuff, OP. Which is probably why she's doing what she's doing on the internet ...

She clearly is vulnerable and that vulnerability is being overlooked by everyone around her - including you - for a variety of different reasons.

Her situation with her family is in itself not usual. As another poster has said, she'd probably qualify for a school-place on the grounds of her vulnerability if the school were aware of her situation. Her home-life isn't within the norm - but is being normalised.

So, I think you have your answer, really. Some children may do this, not all children do this. Often (not always - but often) it's a red flag for other issues.

And it's a safeguarding issue.

(And to be explicit, it is indeed a crime to have explicit pictures of teens on a device.)

This.

School needs to be aware so that your DN has support and guidence.

This is "normal" in the way that racism is normal. It happens, but is damaging and very undesirable.

Right from the start of my children using devices I've always taken the stance of "If you see anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell me. Even if you did something silly/ stupid". They know that I care more about their wellbeing than a stupid action on their part. They are always thanked for their honesty. It might be random stuff like breaking the vase by playing football in the room, but it's part of building the culture of honesty in the face of an awkward situation that is likely to move online.

School discuss internet safety right from the start, building up the details in an age appropriate way. Our naice little school has had the police involved a few years ago concerning internet conduct with y5/y6. At y10 PSHE we were teaching about sexting and the law, and the law can potentially fall very harshly on a teenager being daft with things like photos in a very damaging way.

At least my 10yo's habit of favouring the main TV for watching youtube means that I do see what he's watching and interested in. Still not a complete guarentee though...

[LindaEllen]

@ThatsGoodCakeLove

I think a lot of MN will be unaware of how common this is. When I was in my early teens my friends and I would join chatrooms and take the piss out of random, often very desperate men, it was all a good laugh but very inappropriate. Things were different even just a decade ago, we didn't exchange any real images of ourselves, it wasn't the done thing and I don't know of any friends who would have done anything more than a quick flash of her bra on a webcam. I was very computer savvy so knew how to make sure my parents wouldn't find the conversations. I'm afraid it probably is the reality for a lot of teens, best thing you can do is be as open as possible I suppose.

Yes, I did this too. It's horrible now I look back. I would never want a child of mine doing it, but I don't think I realised the enormity (or legality!) of what I was getting these men to do. I lied about my age too.

[Hailtomyteeth]

Tell the school.

Stay close with your dd, know what she's up to online. Be a good parent, not a cool parent.

[DenisetheMenace]

Not normal here.
Don’t people put parental controls on?

[Hailtomyteeth]

And just to reiterate, the average age a child sees pornographic images is 11 and 1 in 10 children under 10 have seen images. Boys tend to be a little younger than girls. This is insidious.

Yes, I saw pornographic images whilst in junior school - a friend's dad had a stash of magazines. This was the mid to late 1960s. Children are curious. And like everyone else, they (some? Or all?) enjoy sexual sensations, because they are human. So they need careful monitoring if you're going to prevent exploitation. Sadly, in the sixties, children were pretty much ignored. Seen and not heard. It was still common for them to be sent out after breakfast and expected to entertain themselves until supper time.

[GreyFrenchique]

I was exposed to some horrible things online age 12 by older men / perverts. I remember having MSN and collecting loads of 'friends' from various chat sites. I'll never forget accepting somebody's request to view their webcam and there he was, a grown man, shoving a cucumber up his arse.

My DM didn't police my activity unfortunately.

As a result I'll be very reluctant to let my DC have things like Facebook when they're older, they're only toddlers at the minute but I already know I'm going to be unpopular with them when I start imposing rules later on. It is what it is.

My step children spend all day on roblox and that has a bad reputation itself but I have no say in that, other than to tell DH that won't be happening with my two.

I'd rather be a strict mum than have my children exposed to the sort of shit I was.

[FossilisedFanny]

Also, just because it’s normal doesn’t make it ok .

[OverTheRubicon]

@Hailtomyteeth

And just to reiterate, the average age a child sees pornographic images is 11 and 1 in 10 children under 10 have seen images. Boys tend to be a little younger than girls. This is insidious.

Yes, I saw pornographic images whilst in junior school - a friend's dad had a stash of magazines. This was the mid to late 1960s. Children are curious. And like everyone else, they (some? Or all?) enjoy sexual sensations, because they are human. So they need careful monitoring if you're going to prevent exploitation. Sadly, in the sixties, children were pretty much ignored. Seen and not heard. It was still common for them to be sent out after breakfast and expected to entertain themselves until supper time.

Porno mags are pretty light stuff compared to what's out there now though. I'd be disappointed but not devastated if my nearly 9 year old stumbled across an old playboy - but am very concerned about what he'll see when lockdown ends and my ex takes him to hang out with his cousin, who is a few years older and spends whole weekends basically shut up in his room with an unrestricted laptop. Some of my friends' kids have seen very explicit kink porn by that age, often on playdates with children with older siblings and/or lots of unsupervised device time. It's hard to know ho much you can restrict.

[KaleJuicer]

Not the norm for all kids and not for my DC that age. Content filters and checking activity, no phones in bedrooms unsupervised etc.

[LittleOverwhelmed]

Work on your daughter’s self esteem and make her very aware of online safety and privacy as she grows up.

I have a DS (11), I work in self esteem, online safety and privacy, respect for women and looking after your friends. When he is older, I will specifically warn him about taking photos of his private bits or even forwarding photos of others’ private bits. Circulating photos of others’ private bits can get you a criminal record.

From what I have learnt (other parents):

• WhatsApp bullying and / or passive aggressive bullying is quite common.
  
• the young teen daughter of the headwater of the well respected private school neighbouring our house, photographed her hoo ha and sent it to a “boyfriend”. It went around most of the school...
  
• have been very surprised to hear of educated, respectable adults my age (40s) sending round “dick pics”
  

Nothing would surprise me any more: just have to teach them to be resilient and to be aware of the risks of getting involved in this sort of thing and to try to avoid it. They need to look after themselves and their friends...

[Hailtomyteeth]

Porno mags are pretty light stuff compared to what's out there now though.
Indeed, though niche publications were quite unpleasant. But nowhere near as shocking as videos. It was a long time ago, though, and from a 21st century perspective, you might think children would have led more innocent lives than they do today.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@GreyFrenchique

I was exposed to some horrible things online age 12 by older men / perverts. I remember having MSN and collecting loads of 'friends' from various chat sites. I'll never forget accepting somebody's request to view their webcam and there he was, a grown man, shoving a cucumber up his arse.

My DM didn't police my activity unfortunately.

As a result I'll be very reluctant to let my DC have things like Facebook when they're older, they're only toddlers at the minute but I already know I'm going to be unpopular with them when I start imposing rules later on. It is what it is.

My step children spend all day on roblox and that has a bad reputation itself but I have no say in that, other than to tell DH that won't be happening with my two.

I'd rather be a strict mum than have my children exposed to the sort of shit I was.

Yeh I thought the same when dd was that age. But we didn’t move to a desert island and there was no Steiner school close enough. It’s all Instagram and Snapchat btw atm. I was reluctant but allowed my dd Instagram in lockdown and Snapchat but the latter was supposed to be for filters only. She is monitored and only uses Instagram to do live videos and only has parent approved friends she knows irl. No one seems to be doing it now as it’s probably an outdoors / summer activity. Think showing others tricks on the trampoline and lives of playing with the dogs. In normal times, they’d be marauding in the park in groups irl so it is just a way to stay connected

However shortly after I allowed Snapchat, dd was added to a group chat and cyber bullied by a bunch of angsty kids that got the wrong end of the stick. As a result she’s automatically set Snapchat to saving the messages. I believe if the other group members remove themselves from the group, their comments will be removed. But the offenders were made aware I have snapshots of their messages and sharpened their minds not to do it again... dd is friends again with them btw. Dd also knows how to take screenshots without others knowing so she can have “proof” of anything untoward in future.

What happened to you is disgusting btw and I would hope help you not to let it happen to your dcs. My dd knows not to accept anyone as a friend without approval. I said upthread about the site my dd was shown on her friend ‘s phone. My dd ‘s phone has some decent controls on it and wouldn’t allow the site when I checked. I looked at it on my iPad though. Realistically she will have seen someone stroking their flaccid penis and / or a pair of boobs out. Gross. But not frightening in the same way as your experience. Part of it was a video chat site, which lured kids in in the pretence it was for kids all over the world to chat. But then turned sinister once a certain number of kids came on so I can imagine some serious grooming may have happened from there. But obviously the police are aware of it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I forgot to add @GreyFrenchique, I was told the children were lured to the grooming site from Roblox. Unfortunately I cannot remember what it is called.

[garlictwist]

Sounds like what I was doing at 14 and I'm almost 40 now. We used to join chat rooms and have all sorts of dodgy conversations with men. My fiend had a 30 year old "boyfriend" in Canada that she used to email. The technology didn't allow for sending photos then luckily.

Looking back I think we had a sense of power over what we considered these "stupid" men. Certainly didn't see it as being exploited. I would hate my child to be doing that now.

[Bandino]

Not normal with my dd or her friends age 15. They have a lot of education about it from school.