So sad for my 5yo DD after chatting to my 14 yo DN

[Readysetcake]

My niece is 14 and has been filling us in over a family zoom about what goes on on her social media- basically dic pics and getting asked for pictures all the time. She says her and her mates troll paedophiles for a laugh and that all this started around age 10 in year 6. In year 8 one of her peer group sent in her words “hoo ha” pics to a boyfriend that the got sent around the whole year. 13 for fucks sake.

This has made me terrified and so sad for my DD 5. She’s so innocent and trusting it’s made me feel a bit sick to think in 5 years or less more likely she will be exposed to all this shit.

I know I can’t lock her away but that is what I feel like doing right right now. Googling Amish communities. I feel a bit guilty for her having her knowing she will have to navigate this bullshit world

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

Yeah that’s my worry. She isn’t being protected by her parents. Another huge safeguarding issue. Massive

[Rollergirl11]

I think people saying it is not normal would be surprised. DD is 14 almost 15. I don’t think she’s ever been sent a dick pick but she certainly gets asked to send “nudes” on Snapchat by boys of her age very regularly. Some of these boys will be boys that she knows and some will be boys from other schools that have requested her. The request for “pics” usually comes pretty much straight away and if you decline that’s where the conversation usually ends. These boys will probably have been watching porn on their phones for a good few years. DD says that she knows of some girls in her year that send the boys “ass pics”. This might not be a picture of the girls bare bum but probably a posed picture of the girl in a thong with arched back, definitely overly sexualised. These pics will be sent to any boy that happens to ask for it. DD says she thinks the girls do it because they are seeking validation and want boys to think they’re “fit”. The boys screenshot the images and pass then round their mates. It’s truly vile and I really do worry about this generation of young people. DD doesn’t engage with any of this but i just wanted to highlight that it is not uncommon.

The best thing you can do as a mother of a girl is to install good self esteem, confidence and self awareness in your daughter. Social media teaches our youngsters to value unhealthy beauty constructs and the boys are taught to objectify women from an early age. It’s absolutely terrifying. The girls are constantly seeking external validation that they are worthy when they should be getting it from within.

[Mamapep]

I'm in my 30s and remember trolling men with my mates in chat rooms in year 7/8.. so not much older.
But I also feel like I didn't fully understand what I was doing and how creepy these guys actually were, it was just a joke.
I also remember getting catcalled walkimg down the street as young at 12 (I was tall, hit puberty early and looked much older).

I have a veyr young daughter too and will be explaining all this to her probably in year 6-7 ish - including why it's not good to send anyone hoo-ha pics . When I talk to her depends on her and how mature she is.

Some men have always been fucking creeps on tweens/teenage girls (pre internet and social media) and we need to educate them to protect them - and it's fucking bullshit we have to.

[peak2021]

Knowing it happens gives you the opportunity to bring up equipped to deal with this awful teenage behaviour and not to be in danger.

@Thatwentbadly offers advice I think OP you should follow.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

My dd is 14 1/2.

She doesn’t have Snapchat (her choice). She deleted Instagram because it was pointless, and talks to her friends on WhatsApp.

It may be normal for some 14 year olds but not all.

[Mamapep]

P.s It is 'normal' for teens to push boundaries. It's just not ideal

[SmallPrawnEnergy]

She is savvy and hardened to it all. But must be so many out there who are not and totally vulnerable.
The problem is she and you might THINK she is savvy but she IS vulnerable she is still a child and could be very easily exploited. She has no parental figures by your admission and the other adults in her life (you and your pathetic husband) don’t care about her safety in fear of “upsetting the family”. it wouldn’t take much for someone to start speaking to her, saying all the right things and doing the right things for her to feel loved and safe and then... it doesn’t bare thinking about and imagine how upset the family would be if she was raped, or sexually abused, trafficked, exposed to drugs.. etc.

Those saying contact the school it would cause such a family rift if I did. There is no way my DH would support my saying anything
I’m absolutely horrified at this. No one has this poor girls best interests at heart and she is being failed by all the adults in her life that should be protecting her.

[Rollergirl11]

And also maintain open communication with your children where you can talk about this stuff and you can give them a balanced view on a lot of the stuff they are negotiating. I am extremely lucky in that I have a very close relationship with DD and she realise that she tells me a lot more than other girls tell their Mum’s. I am confident that she doesn’t get sucked in to all this but I think it is very easy to do so.

Sometimes I am aghast at how little some parents know about what their children are actually doing. Even failing to do something as basic as to follow your child on social media so you can see the kind of things they are posting!

[Katie1784]

She says her and her mates troll paedophiles for a laugh
Well there's your answer. Don't engage with these people.

I have two teen DDs. 19 year old has received one or two dick pics, but the 15yo has never had anything like this.

[Clymene]

We shouldn't ever shrug our shoulders and say 'meh, most kids do this'. They don't. And this is not a normal and healthy way to grow up.

Your niece is being neglected. This is why her life is like this but your daughter's doesn't need to be.

[Leakyradiator]

There’s an organisation called Internet Watch Foundation. They go after on line groomers/ paedos etc. Their work is saint worthy and harrowing. But they have many wonderful tips to keep your kids and family safe online. Worth a look...

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

Yep, open to grooming and sexploitation. Absolutely. It’s not remotely funny or amusing. It’s a police issue. You need to protect her.

At 14 my dd still has cuddlies and sucks her thumb, even though she’s 5ft 11and knows everything. She’s still a child.

[Xerochrysum]

Actually OP, you say,

"This has made me terrified and so sad for my DD 5. She’s so innocent and trusting it’s made me feel a bit sick to think in 5 years or less more likely she will be exposed to all this shit."

Don't you feel terrified and sad for your DN to be exposed to this because of lack of her parental interest? Someone needs to protect her, if her parents aren't.

[chickadeeeeeeeee]

This is not healthy at all but not uncommon in my daughters year 11 cohort

The boys ask and some girls send pics

The girls ask and boys sometimes send

Most girls say no to sending pics

I have empowered my kids from a young age to say no to this sort of thing. They have grown up with social media as the norm and most savvy kids are aware

I think it is not ideal but this is the reality

The learning starts at home I am afraid, it was 'stranger danger' in my day, unfortunately it is more complex now.

[Cam2020]

It's awful, isn't it? People have had differing opinions here about how prevalent this behaviour is. I think perhaps it can be a problem in certain schools/arenas, becasue once it's happened and is tolerated, it fosters an environment where it becomes the norm and encourages others to behave in that way.

It's probably not all that new, just different. I remember a few girls doing unwise things with boys at school that became the subject of rumour. The paedo hunting I'd assume comes from older siblings or even parents.

All you can do is keep an open dialogue with your children, talk about and establish boundaries and report anything you deem inappropriate.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

Yes, you have to have conversations. Is anyone having that conversation with your niece?

[Readysetcake]

I don’t think anyone is having those conversations with her. I’m not close enough to her to have them really.

I do care and want to protect her and I’m worried for her and what she sees but in the real world it’s not as easy to just tell the school and call out your In laws for shit parenting all guns blazing.

I’ll start with talking to my SIL and see if she can have a chat with her as she is her biological aunt and closer to her. Then take it from there.

I’ll take a look at the Internet watch foundation too, thanks.

[CheshireCats]

Everything in your post, I have heard going in in my own children's school. But from Y7, not primary.
We had to report a Y9 boy from sending my younger daughter dick pics. My son was falsely accused of sending similar but fortunately it could be proved not to be him by the hair colour and skin tone!

I would also include an actual (now imprisoned) paedophile targeting the high school kids by setting up a fake social media account posing as a teenage girl. And also by getting teaching assistant job at their school ( this is the same man) and sitting in the pe changing rooms with the boys "to make sure there's no messing about" He had no previous convictions so had passed a DBS check.
Those of you who think this isn't a threat to your children are in for a nasty shock.

[TheyIsMyFamily]

Serious safeguarding concerns.

And committing criminal offenses themselves if 'trafficking' in child porn ... which sending porn pics of underage children to others is!

Please report it. School safeguarding leads, social services, nspcc...

[crazyola]

Sounds very much like my childhood and early teens. Only that was well over a decade ago - it was things like chat roulette, webcams and 'bluetoothing' pics between our Motorola's!
The police came into school at one point, as a video of pupils naked and doing things was circulating the school. I had an internet presence that was unknown to my parents, (including the mocking older men) that I cultivated at my friends homes, the ones whose parents were lax.
By today's standards, my very conservative, strict parents would be on here saying, "not my DD."

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You are wrong that your dn doesn’t want for anything. There are many teens who aren’t actually parented at all. You say she doesn’t want for anything but she needs boundaries. And care. She isn’t being offered either.

It is really difficult to parent some teens and some parents find it easier to abdicate the role and transform their child to the status of friend. It may seem cool to her right now. But it really isn’t and from what you’ve disclosed, this is parental neglect.

You can report your dn to the school anonymously. Or you can give your name and it will be kept private. I did this when there was a safeguarding concern with a child. The child was expressing a desire to attempt suicide and the parents are lax and self centred. This was a cry for help. I heard through dd that the child unfortunately had a mental health breakdown during lockdown. I disclosed my name. But this will have been kept private.

For me, I had a duty of care to disclose what I knew in the same way as you do. In fact your husband doesn’t even need to know you’ve done it. I’d do this before disclosing to his sister and allowing it to play out in the family. Once you’ve done this, it will be more obvious who’s disclosed. Right now, it could be the parent of one of your dn’s friend. However, you really shouldn’t be putting your husbands feelz over the safety of a child.

[thecatfromjapan]

I think your later posts make it clear there's more going on here than just the internet stuff, OP. Which is probably why she's doing what she's doing on the internet ...

She clearly is vulnerable and that vulnerability is being overlooked by everyone around her - including you - for a variety of different reasons.

Her situation with her family is in itself not usual. As another poster has said, she'd probably qualify for a school-place on the grounds of her vulnerability if the school were aware of her situation. Her home-life isn't within the norm - but is being normalised.

So, I think you have your answer, really. Some children may do this, not all children do this. Often (not always - but often) it's a red flag for other issues.

And it's a safeguarding issue.

(And to be explicit, it is indeed a crime to have explicit pictures of teens on a device.)

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

I do t tho m anyone says it isn’t happening. But some children are more likely to indulge in this behaviour than others.

[JackieWeaverFever]

@ThatsGoodCakeLove

I think a lot of MN will be unaware of how common this is. When I was in my early teens my friends and I would join chatrooms and take the piss out of random, often very desperate men, it was all a good laugh but very inappropriate. Things were different even just a decade ago, we didn't exchange any real images of ourselves, it wasn't the done thing and I don't know of any friends who would have done anything more than a quick flash of her bra on a webcam. I was very computer savvy so knew how to make sure my parents wouldn't find the conversations. I'm afraid it probably is the reality for a lot of teens, best thing you can do is be as open as possible I suppose.

Yeah this.

I am late 30s and we were doing similar 2 decades ago.


Memorably a friend and I were having a sleepover (aged 12/13 or so) and were rumbled when asked our bra sizes and we said something like 38GG

[Mummyoflittledragon]

And just to reiterate, the average age a child sees pornographic images is 11 and 1 in 10 children under 10 have seen images. Boys tend to be a little younger than girls. This is insidious.

My dd was bang on 11 when a friend showed her. Dd thought it was disgusting and wasn’t interested, didn’t show others. The more curious think it’s funny and will quite possibly look for more in an innocent but curious way children do and probably share it on. Not sure what I’d have thought at 11. But I was definitely a curious child.