My fiancé is so dull

[Emrae]

So I’m pissed off at my fiancé right now and just need to vent. We’re both in our early 30’s, engaged 5 years and no plans for wedding yet as we never seem to have enough money. I’m studying full time and working 3 days per week while he works full time in a low paid job. I seem to be the breadwinner and resent this if I’m honest (although I know that’s not right of me)

Basically I am pissed off with him and really upset because it’s his birthday today and I worked so hard to make it a special day despite lockdown but he doesn’t appreciate it.
Example 1. I planned to take the day off today and go for a nice walk somewhere outside our normal area in London. I told him this weeks before and when he got up this morning he was just so unenthusiastic and wanted to go to the local park down the road as we do most weekends. I know he should be able to do what he likes on his birthday but this just bothered me as I just really wanted a change of scenery and for us to do something different together that lasted longer than the usual short stroll around our neighborhood.
Example 2. He agrees to a different park (woohoo) We get to the park in a different area of London (dulwich to be exact) and I think it’s so lovely that I can’t help commenting on all the loveliness everywhere. He barely responds and seems uninterested in anything I say, fair enough maybe I do talk too much sometimes.
Example 3. He finally talks.. saying that his mother sent him 1k for his birthday. I say wow that he should really try and put that into a savings account, she gives him money like this maybe 2-3 times per year and I added that if he saved that money each time, he’d be in a position to buy a house by now. (Bare in mind, he earns just above min wage and any small savings we have is mostly from my part time earnings) he was offended by this and said that i am very negative and ungrateful. Not the case. I know his mother sending this money is hard for her, she is very much a working class woman who is sending this money from her retirement/ carer earnings (she cares for her disabled brother full time and also has a slow progressing type of cancer which is incurable) I just think that he should save it if he takes it all(I wouldn’t even accept it if it were my mother).
Example 4. I had bought ‘sexy underwear’ for his birthday but got a bit insecure about wearing it (basically because we haven’t had sex in a month and when I’ve wore stuff like this before, his reactions aren’t always what I expect). I went in to the living room to show him what I bought and he sort of laughed awkwardly. I said out of embarrassment that I didn’t think I was in the mood today as I stayed up until 2am studying but let’s see how I feel later (not the best pick up line but I was awkward because of his reaction)
Example 5. I had planned for a few of his friends to join us on FaceTime for birthday drinks which which went well and we enjoyed it, 2 hours in, they asked him to play on his computer games as they always do. He asked me if this was alright and j just snapped, I couldn’t believe it, I’m there trying to make a nice intimate day for him and this is what he wants. He plays on computer games at least 5 nights a week and sometimes during the day as he furloughed at the moment. We had a fight after the call with our friends as I couldn’t believe this is what he wanted to do and now i am in bed crying and he is playing his games in the other room. Can I just explain that I am not a clingy person, he plays games most nights as I said and I take one day off a week from studying/ working. Today was that one day off until next weekend. I have lots of friends whom I meet when lockdown permits. I do yoga and exercise classes 3 times per week online, study most evenings so really we only spend time together maybe one day on my day off and I’d say 1-2 evenings per week. I just feel so lonely and unwanted right now that he wants to spend his birthday just like any other evening with his friends online. I feel more emotional than usual because I’m stressed with uni work and I thought that maybe he’d understand me being a little more emotional than usual today and that maybe he’d appreciate me making an effort today on his birthday but no. Apparently I’m controlling and clingy. I just don’t know why I’m with him anymore, I’m in too deep, we’re together since I was 18. If anything he drags me down, he’s unambitious, a bit simple minded and lazy. If I left him, I would be so lost. I wish he’d just make more effort to maintain a healthy loving relationship instead of letting things get like this. We could be amazing together if he put in as much effort as I do. I’d like to maybe have children in a few years and he has said he would like to also. I just can’t see him with children, he’s forgotten to feed and walk our dog multiple times, I wouldn’t trust him to pull his weight equally.

[mineandyours]

You sound like hard work OP.

Telling him to save his £1k birthday money for a house deposit? Are you his mum? God this would put me right off.

Also he wanted to play his computer game after 2 HOURS of a zoom call with you and his friends. I think that's pretty reasonable. I'd be annoyed if it was after 20 minutes, but not 2 hours.

I don't think either of you want to get married. If you really wanted to get married it would cost you less than £100 down at the registry office if you can't/don't want to save for a wedding.

Time to end this dead relationship and both find happiness elsewhere.

[PixelatedLunchbox]

Stop trying to make a purse out of a pig's ear.

This is who he is and he's comfortable there. It isn't rocket science.

Get off your butt and make a life. You're stuck in victim mode. He is not the villain here - he's being himself, and it's not enough for you.

Stop wasting both of your lives.

[lborgia]

Sounds as if you’ve been filling the gaps since you were children, and have only just realised that he is so different to you.

I do wonder whether he has some kind of neurodiversity, the wanting to stick to a routine, enjoying the same gaming stuff all the time, feeling overwhelmed by your attempts at spontaneity, etc etc.. but mostly a feeling from your descriptions. What you perceive as “simple minded” (Charming description of your life partner), may be that he reacts differently, and feels differently about fundamental every day actions.

Anyway, the fact that you’ve spent your 20s with the wrong guy is PRECISELY the reason you need to leave. You both deserve to be happy.

[TaraRhu]

Why are you with him? You clearly have outgrown this relationship. He's not going to change. I know it will be hard but you need have some courage and leave. There's someone out there that will accept him how he is. And someone that will give you what you need. Leave,

[JinglingHellsBells]

I've only skimmed your long post but a 5 year engagement with no wedding plans on the horizon is not really an engagement - it's just a long term, going nowhere relationship.

You can get married for next to nothing- church or register office, a few witnesses, lunch in a pub or whatever, job done.

He doesn't want to get married and you're better off ending it now.

[HardlyEver]

@ReallySpicyCurry

Honestly you do sound like hard work over the whole birthday thing, but I think being with a man like that can make a woman quite overbearing and bossy because she's essentially doing all the thinking, planning and motivating for two, which turns her into a bit of a control freak. You see it with older couples don't you, the busy/bossy family matriarch with the DH who just drips around the house silently

I think you've outgrown him and should move on. Find another man who is on your level regarding what you want out of life

Exactly. The OP is controlling and micromanaging because she’s with someone passive who, fundamentally, wants to sit on the sofa all his life, and he reads both as a passive, routine-bound child with too much screen time AND as someone old before his time because he’s come to expect that she will ‘do’ life for him. It’s a symbiotic disaster zone.

OP, end it. I know a couple who had an eerily similar version of this relationship — he was horrified by any deviation from a cast-iron routine, a financial disaster despite a decent job, was never happier than tucked up on the sofa with his iPad and/or gaming for entire weekends at a time, and she did absolutely everything from managing their finances to all housework, cooking, forcing him to go on holidays, phone his mother etc while working FT in a demanding job.

The tragedy was that they stayed together and got married (she proposed and organised it, otherwise it would never have happened) and had children before finally divorcing when the children were young teenagers (Whom he had no idea how to feed, discipline, look after when they spent their time with him, because she’d always done all that).

Save yourself the heartache. This relationship is damaging both of you. You’re actually making him more passive, and his behaviour is making you controlling.

[MeMarmite]

You'll be shocked at how far you'll go in life when you've lost 13st overnight. Get rid, grieve for a bit, and then shake it off and move onwards and upwards. You will be better off, I can assure you. (personal experience talking)

[Pepperwand]

For pity's sake OP you surely must see you need to leave him. I get that's easier said than done if he's all you've ever known but good relationships aren't hard work like this....you just haven't experienced them yet.

I agree with the pp that no couple that actually want to get married are engaged for 5 years and don't have a wedding planned. You are incompatible and not suited to one another but have drifted along and now you're in your 30s. For god's sake leave before it's too late to meet and have children with someone else.... it's time to set you both free.

[Heyahun]

Wow this relationship is doomed you gotta split !

You can’t complain about him not earning enough when you are still studying and only working part time tbh

You sound a bit much as well - dictating how he spends his birthday, what he does with his money etc

You got together young and it’s went on too long and now you don’t know how to be apart I think

[JinglingHellsBells]

The other thing OP is you say you want children 'in a few years'.

Already in your early 30s ( how old?) you need to get a move on.

If you are 31, you've time to meet another man, get to know him and then try for a baby or two. If you are closer to 33 or 34, you need to wake up and realise conception is a lot harder for some women after 35. Not impossible but can be harder.

You might want to have a private blood test to show your egg reserve.

[nostaples]

Some people are being v unfair on here OP. Planning a nice birthday for your partner does not make you 'hard work'. That is quite unpleasant and feels like internalised sexism. I can't remember seeing anyone calling a man 'hard work' who had planned a nice birthday for a woman.

That said, you do sound incompatible. Not necessarily fault on anyone's part but a marriage will compound rather than solving those difficulties.

[GagaBinks]

Some people just don't give a shit about their birthday. My husband is 32 and couldn't care less about it - doesn't want presents, definitely doesn't want to do anything different or 'special'. I've learnt to not force it, even though I can't really wrap my head around it.

[Worriedhomemover]

I don’t really agree with the way you planned his birthday. But my general advice is to not get married/ have a child with a man who earns minimum wage and plays videogames. You will regret it.

[Emrae]

Wow, I was not expecting such a big response especially since I wrote this in the middle of the night.

I don’t think I can answer everyone so I will try answer some of the comments that stand out.

Yeah maybe I was a bit ‘me me me’ yesterday but as one poster said this was the one day in long time that I thought we’d have some fun together and go against the norm.
I actually booked a spa weekend in another city for him but had to cancel due to lockdown so because he likes nature, I thought a nice walk somewhere would be our best bet. I actually planned it two weeks ago and he said he was actually up for it and that I should decide where to go. I didnt really have much choice since we
don’t have a car and we’re not really supposed to get trains far so chose dulwich as he’d never been and I knew we’d get nice takeaway coffee/ cake and it feels like your outside London there.
As for the FaceTime call, normally they do last two hours with our couple friends and the guys have this sort of jokey humour where they always suggest playing computer games afterwards (Just the guys) but usually he wouldn’t do that if it was our only day off together and this is why I was annoyed as I’d planned a nice day together and he just seemed ungrateful.

To answer one posters comment about what other attributes he has, he is very funny, kind and extremely loyal towards me and towards others. He’s also good in bed too.

He shows his love by little things like making me tea when I didn’t ask, running me a bath when I’m stressed etc which are nice but he rarely plans dates. Any dinner dates, weekends away are all from me planning and that does bother me as it would be nice to feel spoilt on my birthday for example but I’m waiting 15 years for that and don’t think it will happen anytime soon.

Maybe I was wrong to say what I said about his birthday money, to be fair he said he was putting some into our joint account since I have been paying mostly for groceries etc lately (he pretty much runs out of money as soon as he gets it, not because he spends it on himself but because he earns so little and we pay stupid London rent).

I will have a look at some other comments and respond again.

[Teddybear27]

You said it yourself sweetie, you don’t know why you are with him anymore....

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

You've outgrown the relationship. You are in a relationship that is more a habit rather than something close and loving. Don't be sucked into the sunk cost fallacy. Also a 5 year engagement is fishy at the best of times.

He is comfortable where he is - he has no need to change but you do. It will be harder because COVID but perhaps a clean break somewhere new would be the best for you.

[Eddielzzard]

Planning a nice day for someone isn't 'me me me', it's thoughtful He just isn't into the things you are. He has no ambition. He's happy to live hand to mouth, he likes his small, comfortable life in his tiny comfort zone and he doesn't want to leave it.

You have to decide whether this is enough for you. A life of this stretching on year after year.... Nothing is going to change while you're with him. You'll be thinking the same in 5 / 10 years, only resenting him more. It'll get worse if you have kids.

This is him. Is it enough?

[nosswith]

It is not a crime to be single. Better that than the awful relationship you are in.

[Cccc1111]

You’ve been together since you were 18, people change. There was obviously lots about him you liked back then, but If you’re waiting for him to turn back into that person you’ll be waiting a long time. I was with the same person from 19 to 32, and this all pretty much mirrors what happened to me. I thought I was in too far, waited too long for things to get better, then woke up one day with a sod it I don’t care how deep I am in this, and the consequences, I’m finishing this (we had a joint mortgage together but no kids).

[Bluntness100]

Planning a nice day for someone isn't 'me me me

Well it is when you’re planning to do stuff that person doesn’t want to do but you do.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

I haven't read all of your post, details of his boringness were too boring to read , but I suggest you call it off now because he won't get any more enthusiastic or interesting once you're married.

[CupOfTeaAlonePlease]

Oh my gosh, leave him. He sounds like a useless surly teenage boy.

Why is he accepting huge sums of money from his mother who sounds strapped? What does he do to help her care for his uncle (guessing nothing). Why are you earning all the money and studying to better yourself while he plays computer games?

He's not right for you. You will be better off alone.

If you're not sure about having children with him at this stage in life, then you need to make a decision.

[LynetteScavo]

I don't think you're comparable.

You want someone who earns more money, but don't want to admit that, probably because you'd feel shallow.

He sounds like a really nice bloke for someone else.

[autumnboys]

You’re not in too deep. You’re not married, you don’t have children and you don’t own a home together. Even if you did, it would still be worth the considerable extra effort to exit a relationship you are so clearly unhappy in. Move on OP, it won’t get better than this.

[Jaxxi]

Well op what are you going to do?