Husband's having another breakdown

[MrsLY]

Hi all, this is my first time on here and I'm absolutely desperate for help and advice please.
10 ish years ago my husband had a breakdown, we had issues outside of our marriage, but the main reason for it was I ended up unable to walk and confined to bed in excruciating pain. I ended up having emergency surgery on my spine.
My darling loving husband couldn't bare seeing me in so much pain and it tipped him over the edge, for over 2 years he shouted and screamed at me, in front of customers, we ran a public house, accused me of having an affair, totally untrue, along with lots of other accusations that he believed to be true, but weren't. We never split up as we lived and worked together in the club. I tried getting him to the Drs but he refused to believe anything was wrong with him, I eventually convinced him to go, told the dr all he was doing and saying, she agreed he was having a breakdown, he sat there and denied it all and said I'd made it up so she couldn't help him.
We left the club, my back got better and he came out of his breakdown back to the most loving caring husband he was before.
Now it's happened again, I became bed bound un a lot of pain, January this year, and with covid, job uncertainty ect ect in April he announced he hadn't loved me for two years and walked out on me.
He refuses to speak to me or see me, we communicate through text message, he accuses me of horrendous things, again that aren't true, but he truly believes they are.
It breaks my heart every day knowing he's going through this, but again he refuses to believe that he's having a breakdown, he's turned into the man I lived with all those years ago, the complete opposite of the man I love and adore.
Like last time he can hold down a job and be perfectly 'normal' to everyone around him, apart from me, all his anger is aimed at me.
I'm absolutely desperate for my husband to get better, but he refuses to see me so I cannot help him this time.
Has anybody else experienced anything like this, any help or advice would be so appreciated.

[CormoranStrikesANoteofDoom]

In my experience mental health cannot be switched off and on - if he can out a brave face on and be civil to other people he could do that for you; he chooses not to.

And the facts he turns like this whenever you get ill sounds horrible - you shouldn’t have to live in fear of being ill, that must hurt more than the pain.

I think it’s time to change the locks.

[Omeara]

Do you honestly believe he has a mental illness that only affects his behaviour towards you? That he is perfectly able to control himself around others but makes him verbally abusive to his wife?

You need to give yourself a reality check.

[RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder]

I know it’s hard but you need to stop separating him into two people. I completely understand why you have - I did it with exh - but it’s only when you accept that he is one person who is capable of being kind and nasty that you will begin to open your eyes.

My exh had a breakdown, he also carried on being able to work and all his anger was directed at me because my PND made him feel so awful. We spent years of him screaming at me, terrifying the children (it wasn’t directed at them, but the affect on them was awful) and then he’d “come back”.

I’d be so grateful that the man I loved was back that I’d forgive everything.

Then another “breakdown” would happen and months of hell and fear would follow. It was only ever aimed at me and I remember feeling utterly broken.

This went on for years and years. We were together a very long time.

Finally, when he got better again I realised that too much had been destroyed and I left him. It was only when I saw how happy and secure the children were without him in the house that I realised what a cloud we were all living under.

He is not two people, he is one person who is capable of being cruel and nasty to you when you are at your most vulnerable, but is loving and light when you don’t make any demands on him.

There are very few abusers who are all bad. Most had a lovely side - otherwise they’d never get anyone close enough to hurt.

As much as I would have loved to, I couldn’t choose to keep my “nice” husband forever. The nasty side would always be back because it was a part of him. So knowing you can’t choose to keep the good without the bad, do you really want to choose to be with him?

I am now the happiest I have ever been. It was so hard leaving but the best thing I have ever done. Consider the effect on your kids, consider the effect on you, this is not a man you want to risk being old and frail around. He is not your rock.

[Imknackeredzzz]

Omg how awful for you. I’m afraid I agree with all thats been said. He’s abusive. What if one of your children got ill/ would be scream and shout at them?! And would you let him?!

It’s inconvenient you being ill that’s all, and so he’s treating you like shit.

He’s not mentally ill, and this is from someone who’s had a lot of issues with mental illness myself

[ReallySpicyCurry]

He's cross because his wife appliance has stopped working, and he can't return it to the shop for a refund or replacement.

Don't let him back in. Focus on your own health and wellbeing.

[Bluntness100]

Gosh, you’re in a highly abusive relationship and you can’t see it. Of course he remembers the year.

I have seen threads like this before, my husband has left me for another woman, I think he’s having a breakdown, no he’s not.

Look it’s up to you if you wish to keep putting up with this behaviour. That is if he decides to come back, most people would strongly advise you not to.

[Orangecake123]

I was expecting a real mental health breakdown, not an excuse to carry on treating you so badly. You deserve so much more than to put up with this behaviour.

Ultimately you have two options: stay or leave.

My mother stayed, but it has truly affected all of us children walking on eggshells and being afraid of him. I've spent close to 4 years in therapy. This will be impacting your children too.

[Userengage]

Read your own post OP. You have been conditioned. Your poor children.

[DobbinReturns]

So he is basically saying your pain is worse for him?

My experience of breakdown is only of my mum, she had a few episodes. She would usually fixate on something but her whole behaviour was unusual for her too.

Even if you take your husband at his word (which I don't believe) then you need to stay apart.

I really hope you get some RL support and the scales start to fall as to what's been happening.

[PicsInRed]

He is behaving like a man who is cheating and blaming/abusing you worse than usual to make himself feel more righteous about it.

He will always be abusive and he will always cheat. Leave him whilst you are still young and generally healthy enough to do it. Imagine if you were to become truly disabled in his "care"? It doesn't bear thinking about.

[emilybrontescorsett]

I agree with what been said.
He gets angry with you when you are seriously ill because you are no longer wiping his backside.
The best thing you can do is key him go.
I suspect his 'illness' will miraculously disappear when he no longer has to care for an ill wife.

[PegasusReturns]

Your DH is not having a breakdown.

He is an abusive bully who is angry at you.

Let him going. Protect yourself and your children.

[MadamMaltesers]

OP I feel for you. A breakdown can completely change a person’s personality. You sound like a loving and caring wife. I hope he recovers this time around too.

[ShandlersWig]

I appreciate I have zero mental health training, but as an outsider looking in I dont see a man in the midst of a MH crisis but a horrible excuse for a DH who enjoys kicking you when you're at your most vulnerable.
What's most frightening is how you cannot see it. He's really done a number on you. I imagine if you listed other things it would show more abusive behaviours.

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Whenever I hear the words “having a breakdown “ relating to a mid-life married man they are always being used as an excuse for abusive behaviour/ an affair/ abandoning wife & kids to go find themselves / blowing the family savings .... 🤔 it my DH’s case it was emotional abuse & an affair - but it wasn’t his fault because he was having panic attacks ( read guilty conscience!) and a “breakdown “ 🤔🤔

[JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam]

OP as someone who has lived with a man who has had a mental health breakdown I can assure you that this is not how it looks. My husband couldn’t talk to anyone, he didn’t just focus it on me.

[Oldraver]

He is not having a breakdown. He's a selfish nasty controlling arse

Kills him to see me in pain, would die rather than see me like this

Emotive talk, that you have convinced yourself he is not being abusive. He is all me,me,me. He is pissed off he has to look after you

[Dragongirl10]

Your DH is not having a breakdown.

He is an abusive bully who is angry at you.

THIS x 100^^

He is feeding you the breakdown as an excuse, as another pp said mental health issues do not turn on and off depending on whether he is with you or someone else.

He chooses to be viciously abusive to you when you are vulnerable......upsetting as this is please think carefully about this, and let the scales fall from your eyes.

[ChronicallyCurious]

This is abusive

[MoonJelly]

I must admit I'm a bit sceptical that he can't remember the first "breakdown". It could easily be that he simply chose to say so because he had you back working with/for him and decided that it wouldn't arise again and it was simplest to ignore it than to discuss it.

I'm also quite bemused at the response of a man who sees his wife bedbound and in major pain and thinks it's appropriate to tell her every day that she is hurting and "destroying" him. You say that you have had chronic pain every day since your operation and he has been telling you this, so even though he was ostensibly over the breakdown he conveniently forgot about, he was still making your pain all about him.

But even taking all of this at face value, if he won't get any form of treatment unfortunately the relationship just isn't salvageable. I think you probably need to celebrate the fact that you can get on with your life without this man blaming you for being unwell, and concentrate properly on your own health and wellbeing.

[MrsSpringfield]

I'm sorry you've been so unwell and are also having to go through this.

But his supposed breakdown doesn't add up.

You're trying to divide him in to two people but he's not. He is the same person treating you dreadfully, with moments of niceness to keep you hanging on. The same as when people are in a violent, toxic relationship - he flys into a rage and beats her, they wake up the next day and he's all 'it wasn't me it was my terrible temper to blame, i'm so sorry I love you'. But it's BS. Find all your strength, and change the locks.

[user1471538283]

He has not and is not having a breakdown. What he is having is hating you when you are ill. I had a stress breakdown and I can remember all of it very clearly. I still didn't treat people badly though.

[Yohoheaveho]

He's just a selfish git☹️

[doctorhamster]

He isn't having a breakdown op, he's just an abusive dick. People who are having a breakdown don't just behave like that in front of one person.

[devildeepbluesea]

It's all about him isn't it. You're the one who's chronically ill, but he's the one suffering.

What a crock of shit.

As a PP said, abusers are never all bad - otherwise they wouldn't hook you in the first place.

Wake up, toughen up and fuck him off. You and your kids deserve better.