How long do you want house guests?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I was having this conversation with some friends recently - I realised that I absolutely hate house guests, of any duration longer than a night or weekend max. It doesn’t matter who they are, I’m very introverted and countdown until they leave. I don’t think I let on about this, people always stay longer. It’s more dramatic after having 3 kids, I used to mind less but really a week was long enough.
My friend LOVES having guests to stay and catching up with friends in her home. She has people to stay all the time. So we are opposite ends of the spectrum. But I also don’t ever want to stay with people either, I always put us up nearby if possible.
What do most people think? How do you arrange it if so? Do you tell people who say they’d like to come for a week you want less? Or just take it as it goes?

[kondomeup]

I don't mind hosting but It really depends who it is.
It does make me properly clean my house which is always welcome. 😄
I've got one friend who will usually visit for a week. She's self sufficient, doesn't expect to be served for the week and will pitch in, go to the shop etc.
Equally, my sibling is also easy. They'll go out, see friends, order a pizza for everyone.

I don't like high maintenance guests for more than a couple of days or people that I can't really be myself with.

For me, as a guest or a host it comes down to whether I'm a good fit with the visitors/hosts. Do we get along easily or is it awkward and weird? Are we going to be able to do our own thing some of the time or will we be expected to be glued to each other?

[DinosApple]

My mum is the only person to have stayed longer than 2 nights and that was when my children were born!

But if you've got friends and family who live a flight away it is much trickier. And there's certainly there's a cultural expectation in my family, partly because they dispersed to the four winds. It's not like you can pop by for a weekend if you're visiting from India, Australia, Canada etc.

Having a small house and no spare room helps though!

[Spreadingchestnut]

Op, after many years of learning the hard way, I have the key to this issue. Speaking as an expat and an introvert, with a large family, who is inundated with visitors in normal times, the moment to nip this in the bud, or at least impose limits and boundaries is much much earlier on than you would ever imagine it necessary.

You know how it goes op, someone mentions in passing on the phone how much they fancy a trip to see you next summer say (if times were normal) and because we are polite and socialised to please others, we find ourselves saying "that would be lovely" when, with so much on, we don't think it would be lovely at all . You go away and don't think about it much. They go away hatching plans. You then receive a call from them a few months later saying "you know how you said last winter that we could we could visit, , well we happen to be passing nearby in X number of months for so-and-so's wedding, can we stay for the week? And again, we end up saying "yes" because we are "nice" people, we feel slightly pressured, they seem to have fixed commitments blah blah blah. And in a flash, a vague musing has mutated in to a rock solid plan and you feel put upon and out-manoeuvred.

You need to pre-empt that happening way, way in advance, so have your own plans for the year clearly worked out and written in the calendar, early in the year. Your important family commitments, the times when you want to chill by yourselves. Be very aware that people will make plans for you if you don't make them for yourself. Be clear in your own mind about what you want: only close family member visiting, no visits at all, or short visits. Do only what you feel you can cope with. Banish all guilt from your head. Things are different now you have three dc - that's a lot to manage in itself. And have your stock phrases ready and rehearsed ready to use at the "casual conversation" stage. Write them down and leave them by the phone if necessary:

"Yes, it would be lovely to see you but I have a lot of commitments with the children this summer" then don't sucumb to filling the ensuing silence

"Oh what a shame I'm afraid we are not free that week". Silence.

"It would be lovely to see you for two nights but I'm afraid I can't offer longer because we are very busy with the children at the moment". Silence.

Or a flat at "I'm sorry we are not hosting at the moment as family life is too busy" . Silence.

(I should at this point add that I am not a complete cow and I still do have fairly frequent visits from people but I have found it necessary to manage the process. Some guests are great: arrive when planned with wine, independent, don't need a constant tour guide, muck in with meal prep, leave us alone for part of the day, are responsible for their own DC, and then bugger off promptly when they said they would. They are the ones that are always welcome! Suffice to say, other guests are the complete opposite. And it doesn't matter if they are close family or not. Some close family members can be the worst for taking advantage frankly.)

Sorry for rambling but some last tips: make it very, very clear to your dh/dp that he shares equally in the hosting work for all guests whether they are your friends and family or his. Some men have very odd ideas and think if there is another "female" in the house then they can bugger off and play. And if you do decide to have visitors don't be afraid to have them on your terms. Tell them that they will need to look after themselves at certain times. Or don't hesitate to go off yourself and get some space. Hosting is inevitably a lot of work (unless you have a dedicated guest suite and servants) just all the noise and talk can be exhausting, so don't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do. The routines of visitors and young DC aren't often terribly compatible.

Be strong op, talk to your other half, then be clear and set your own limits and boundaries, and don't feel guilty

[sandgrown]

My best friend lives abroad so will come for a week. While here they are out a lot visiting other friends so don’t need entertaining. They always cook at least once or pay for us all to go out . I just treat them like family. We usually spend a week with them when we are allowed to travel so it works both ways .

[cheeseychovolate]

I like socialising but can't stand people staying over. I find it stressful, cleaning before they arrive, cooking, hosting.

[JMG1234]

I like hosting people but prefer it when they don't stay over. I have kids, my friends have kids, they're all lovely but I find the constant stream of requests get quite tiring. I start to feel a bit like I'm cooking, clearing or washing up most of the time but really enjoy that cup of tea after a meal with a blissful 20 minutes of peace chatting to my friends. Before it starts over again.

I've come to realise having two guest rooms is a bad thing. Although I would stay in a hotel much of the time for overnight stays (appreciate that not everyone can afford to do this) to give the hosts a bit of time and space.

I realise this sounds quite antisocial but my mum's in the category of always saying yes to overnight guests, then spends most of the time regretting it and family harmony starts to wear quite thin.

[nosswith]

Three or four days maximum, just a weekend if not a time of year such as Easter or Christmas.

[Peasbewithyou]

Oh I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all OP! Unless people are visiting from somewhere far flung and have travelled especially to see you then I think 2 nights max is reasonable. I find myself getting a bit ratty when people stay longer than that! It might be different if they were just staying with us while doing something else like working in the area or something. My brother stayed with us for a month or so for this purpose and that was fine because it was more like he lived here - so he just did his own thing and was obviously out during the day at work etc.

If it’s just for visiting though then 2 nights / 3 days is more than sufficient (I’m looking at you MIL!!)

[terriblyangryattimes]

A weekend max. Unless they are here to look after my kids whilst I am away in which case as long as they like

[Sheknowsaboutme]

I dont. Hate having people to stay.

BIL stays a couple of nights in the run up to Christmas. DS who is 12 has to sleep on the blow up bed in our room. The slippers by the front door (we never use the front door), toothbrush pot in the bathroom, constantly back and forth muttering. Thank god he ain’t coming this year🎉🎉🎉

Ive also had my brother/sil/2 kids stay a couple of nights. Not anymore. It meant my 3 kids on the floor in our room. SIL likes to leave lights on and blinds closed during the day, straighteners left on when they left for an afternoon out. And making yourself at home for her meant leaving dirty mugs on the table, getting up to make a cuppa with a clean mug etc. I dont live like that.
No one stays at mine again.

[Kernowgal]

Like others have said, it depends on the guests. Self-sufficient, happy to entertain themselves at times and offer to share the cooking? Stay as long as they like. Get up and sit there waiting for me to sort breakfast/the day's entertainment/dinner? Nope. A day, max.

Thankfully most of my guests are the first type, as am I.

[Lavenderteal271]

Never. We don't even have many people to visit (without staying over) either. We usually arrange a walk or a meal out or something with the kids.

[MrsT1405]

I hate,hate having visitors of any kind. Unfortunately we live by the coast in Spain and my dh loves to entertain. Visitors think a week or a fortnight is fine. They often buy us a meal out to say thank you . I hate every minute. Then to make matters worse we have to stay with them in the UK instead of some nice Pemier Inn. There is only one family exceception I don't mind. Lets just say lockdown has been a blessing .

[Nicolastuffedone]

......about 10 minutes

[ProudAuntie76]

Controversial but never overnight .

It’s so rude when people invite themselves to stay at someone else’s home. I love having people for dinner, coffee etc but it’s really intrusive and stressful having them stay here for days on end and I feel on edge the whole time.

My parents are the only exception and if I had adult DCs.

If you MUST invite yourselves to other people’s homes I’d say three nights is the absolute max. Two nights ideally.

[TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]

Three days, two nights.

I believe it is the law in England actually. Well that's what I tell people.

[joystir59]

3 nights is perfect.

[FlyNow]

For me it's never, but I don't have a problem with this as no one has ever asked to stay with me. So I guess they feel the same or maybe I'm just awful, either way it works out

[Saranvenya]

I like it, but I don't 'host' people stay and have to muck in, if they want food/drink etc then they help themselves.
They also know to clean up after too!
The people who stay also know that going to have time alone etc is cool.
But we have had so many of the kids (now adults who live here) friends, our family and our friends stay over the years. that its now normal to have extras in the house, when we moved we bought a house that had enough room for the extras.

[cheeseismydownfall]

Completely dependent on who it is. A very small handful of close friends I would happily host for a week or more. My sisters, a few nights. My mum/MIL ideally no more than one night.

I'm a bit jaded following a few years as an expat when we had my mum and MIL staying for weeks at a time, multiple times a year. That was hard going.

[Shizzlestix]

3 nights max with my parents, them here or me there. I hate staying elsewhere. My mum ruined it for me by coming to stay in my student house, which was just weird of her.

My favourite way of socialising is going to my bil’s house for the annual family lunch. We arrive at 12 and leave by 4. Perfect.

[Ellmau]

It depends who they are, how much I like them, and how hard work they are.

[Bookaholic73]

About 30 mins is my max 😂

[Faith50]

What is the longest time you have had family, say parents stay?

I have had family stay for months at a time (9 months longest so far) due to housing issues, visiting from abroad. Extremely challenging at times and I spent a lot of time in my room. I am an introvert and do not enjoy hosting long term. I am happy hosting lunches, dinners, BBQs, parties.

[yearinyearout]

I don't like having overnight guests at all. Maybe if I had a massive house where I wouldn't be worried about people overhearing DH snoring I might feel differently.

I think I've got more antisocial with age though. Years ago we invited two of DH's work colleagues and their wives to have dinner and stay over (he was really close mates with them but I'd never met them or their wives) I wouldn't dream of doing that now.