What do you wish you’d been told when your DC started secondary?

[NotExactlyHappyToHelp]

DS trotted off to his first day of year 7 today and I’m a big ball of nerves thinking there’s something we’ve forgotten to send him with or something we haven’t done. I can’t wait to go fetch him. It’s like the first day of primary all over again.

Is there anything you wish you’d have known when your DC made the move up? It’s so hands off compared to primary I feel a bit useless.

The correct start date. Got given a booklet saying the first day of term was on X. Was sitting at home at 9.30am on the day before X, turned on Facebook to see pictures of other DCs off to their first day of school at my dd's school. Massive panic! 30 minutes later and dd was in school, slightly flustered and with greasy dripping hair as she'd been mid nit treatment when I realized the mistake. Not a good look to meet your peers!

The school had printed the wrong date in one version of the booklet and not sent out a correction and not put dates on the website. We knew noone at the school already so had no way to to find out the printed date was wrong.

I was not impressed.

You can't never buy enough Prit Sticks!

You might need to replace two bus passes in a month. Put it in a wallet as it's slidey and slippery and can fall out of pockets (as in BP no 1), and they can be quietly 'lost' after the photo has been declared embarrassing (as we suspect in BP no2). So get a professional, flattering photo done when she's happy with her look that day. Obviously without making a big deal of it!

What to do when things take a turn for the worse.
How to make contact with pastoral who could be a lifeline.

My DS was utterly utterly miserable every single day of high school.
On report daily for every single indiscretions, was completely beaten down by a system that did not work, made absolutely no difference to him, served to make him feel worthless and stupid.

I was not prepared for the fact that other than being a mild irritant to every teacher, that my child was completely insignificant amongst the hundreds upon hundreds of other kids in that building.
No one noticed if he was there or not, no one had the time or energy because he was one amongst a mass of people.
It served no purpose whatsoever.
My poor boy, I sometimes think that he probably came very close to doing something very very bad to himself often.

Re organising the books, there are a lot so I bought a concertina box file so one section per subject. I also bought plastic book sleeves from Amazon as they help keep the books nice. Then laminated the timetable. I bought a pack of dot stickers and put one on the side showing the current week - it's easy to forget if it's W1 or W2!
I also quickly check the pencil case every night to make sure he has everything still in there (keep an emergency stash at home).

Allocate a good clear space at home fo homework. I bought a plain white tea trolley which we keep in the dining room (best place for the HW as it has the biggest table and it's quiet) and put a magazine file, his concertina file, textbooks, dictionaries etc and big pot of always sharpened pencils and pens that work - a tidy homework space encourages tidy work!

That you might be dealing with things sooner than you'd think or like.
Drinking,smoking, sex,pregnancies, self-harming etc. In our case not personally but friends. Thankfully guidance teachers are excellent.
It's a fairly nice school, with a mixed catchment - I was .
The attitude, oh dear lord the attitude.
And the importance of looking like everyone else, while not looking like everyone else.
And they will be soooooo tired. It's hard going back to being the little fish again.

We've always used 5 magazine files for organising their books. 1 for each day of the week (labelled Mon-Fri).

At the end of the day, when they pack their backs, any books not needed the next day will go in the appropriate file for the next timetabled lesson. That way they can easily pack their bags knowing that if their book isn't in the file then the teacher has it.

With twin DDs in different schools we had to be organised. They're now going into year 10 and it's always worked well for us.

God, I'd forgotten about the WhatsApp groups. Thousands of messages, all through the night!

And someone in here had a good tip. Buy a big box so all books and equipment go in that. Packing bags is much easier, when everything school related is in one place.

Ds is more savvy now in year 11 and has his books on his shelves above his desk. In fact, he's fairly anal about it and has colour coded magazine files, but in those early days, getting to grips with what should be in his bag was interesting. He wanted to carry every book, every day to make sure he couldn't have forgotten anything. The bag was like a lead weight!

It gets easier. Much easier.

I bought a big storage box and he keeps all his books, stationery and folders etc in it...then when he needs to pack his bag for the day, he knows everything is in there. I also made copies of the timetable so he could keep one in his bag, one on his blazer pocket. I also made sure he had a photo of the timetable on his phone

My son is going to year 8 next week. Yesterday I tried to sit him down and make sure he was prepared with what he would need for day one, check he knew where to go for his new form group etc. He gave me an earful about patronising and babying him. Apparently he knows how his school works and doesn’t need me to help him. Basically, I’ve learned to leave him to it. (Although he will inevitably call me to come to the rescue when he’s forgotten his swim kit or whatever.)

We still use the 5 magazine files and DS is in Y11. Got the idea from here when DS started in Y7.

Copious copies of the timetable posted everywhere

@Pegase

Teacher here. Three things that come up a lot 1- help them establish a good routine for doing homework as it can cause Y7s a lot of stress if they think they are going to get detention or something for forgetting homework/not understanding homework. This includes reinforcing helpful strategies for if they didn't understand the homework (e.g. find teacher in advance- this is only possible if you attempt homework well before deadline!)

2- some parents (and their children!) have great systems for organising their children's books e.g. little zip folders to keep exercise books and text book in or a homework file where all homework lives. Seems to be a big help.

3- keep a very close eye on any pan-Year 7 WhatsApp groups. A very close eye. 90% of Year 7 behaviour / friendship problems start here...

Yes to all of this. My last-year-Y7 is super organised and conscientious and STILL needed quite a lot of scaffolding to sort out organising homework and keeping track of exercise books and text books and kit for specific lessons. We sat down each night together for the first half term to work it out and pack her bag for the next day.

You can also just not let them have WhatsApp- we did, she does have friends (they text) and it saved her from involvement in the Y7 WhatsApp group nastiness and school’s reaction to it.

I wish nobody let their Y7s have WhatsApp! Even if your child is well-behaved, you can guarantee at least one amongst the 150 will post some shocking content. Don't know what I'll do when my own children get to that age! Check it a lot!

You are all brilliant. The tips about homework and organising books are so good – I've cut and pasted them so I can print them out and get a routine sorted. My DD is a young 11, an August baby, and her scattiness could be her undoing if we don't stay on top of things!

Starting yr 7 was a breeze with DS1, he was confident, sensible and very ready for it. He grew up massively in the first 3 months which was really lovely to see!

DS2 starts tomorrow and I'm nervous, he's a totally different kettle of fish - he has SEN which impacts his organisational skills and slightly his social skills too. He massively lacks confidence, hates getting into trouble so would rather get work wrong than ask for help - as he thinks asking is the wrong thing. I've got everything crossed for him but it is scary.

The difference between primary and secondary is huge! Like Pp have said you get used to not knowing friends/parents, not knowing what's going on at school, speed dating the teachers at parents eve

I know a lot of parents are keen to encourage independence, but we felt that if helping with packing of bags, homework etc got us through the first few months reasonably stress free, then that is what we would do.

I agree that you don’t need to force independence. Show them what they need to do, by doing it with them at first. Eventually, as I found out yesterday, they tell you to shove off and let them get on with it (our first term was probably the most stressful few weeks of my life - constant worry about whether he’d remember things, get lost, get bullied etc but it all worked out fine in the end).

I say really watch out for MH issues, especially if your child is quiet or shy.

My DD was shy, but made good friends even after moving primaries in year 5. She was popular there and happy.

Moved up to secondary and things slowly went downhill in year 7, felt v. anxious because the teachers were always angry (e.g. she did HW with around 20 questions, skipped one because she didn't understand, got all the rest right, and had to miss 2 full lunch times as a result).

There was stupid stuff like a whole English unit being 'about my dad'... This was a seemingly good school in a good area, so DD was one of few who didn't have much of a relationship with her dad.

Her friends made new friends, she just got lost on the crowd. Teachers didn't learn her name, nobody cared at all. By yr 9 everyone became v. grown up, started partying (and I assume drinking). School became too much for her.

Luckily she moved and things turned out okay-- but really keep an eye out, she became so unhappy so fast and I thought for much too long that she was just tired.

One of DD's friends was in tears at the end of the first day as she was so scared of getting detention but after a while it almost became a ' badge of honour' to get one,

I always told my DDs that if they got one for forgetting something or for being late due to bus/train problems then that's life. However if it was for bad behaviour, rudeness to teachers etc then I would NOT be happy and there would be consequences!

I know they've had a few warnings for missing homework deadlines but they've never admitted to a detention.

@ineedaholidaynow

I know a lot of parents are keen to encourage independence, but we felt that if helping with packing of bags, homework etc got us through the first few months reasonably stress free, then that is what we would do.

This is definitely the approach I'm going to take, especially after the extended break from school due to lockdown. It's too much to assume my DD is suddenly going to nail everything from day one.

@itsgettingweird

That they come down HARD on them for the first half a term.

That every single thing they do that's a considered an indiscretion will be punished.

That includes a pen running out of ink being classed as turning up without equipment.

Lol, at the school I work at they're the complete opposite. Staff aren't allowed to sanction a year 7 for a whole half term! It's laughable, the savvy kids realise early on they don't have to be on time, or hand in homework.

It will be interesting to see what sanctions there are this term, as mention may be tricky if not mixing bubbles etc

@ineedaholidaynow

I know a lot of parents are keen to encourage independence, but we felt that if helping with packing of bags, homework etc got us through the first few months reasonably stress free, then that is what we would do.

I agree on helping with organisation, as you can’t really practice that before they start because each school has a different system.

But I do think getting them independent on things you can practice (public transport, talking to strange adults eg in shops, touch typing if the school uses laptops a lot) is a very good idea. Makes the really new stuff in Y7 easier if they've got the hang of the other stuff already.

I was quite surprised how many kids had never taken the bus by themselves at the start of Y7. We’d done a few practice runs in the summer holidays, first with me then dd by herself, so she felt pretty confident about it and about what to do if there were problems.

It's scaffolded independence I think though- setting up these systems and routines with them in the initial weeks will help them become independent. Those with parents that don't help at all often flounder. Plus if you embed systems well now, you're less likely to get issues where they've lost their GCSE coursework or notes on an entire Economics module.

Plus please keep a united front with the school regarding discipline. Trust me there are scores of children who literally never get in trouble, maybe get one detention for forgetting homework. So if your child is being sanctioned they are doing something. Of course why they are getting themselves in trouble is another issue so build a good relationship with form tutor / head of year / SENCO if appropriate so that you can work together to give the support they need.

Children don't tend to improve if parents at loggerheads with the school. If there really has been an injustice then raise with tutor/ head of year first. You won't be getting an audience with the head of a school of 2000 pupils until you have followed the official complaints procedure which shows the steps of escalation. As a previous poster said, if the school then don't take concerns seriously after you have followed the process then maybe the school isn't good enough for your child.

I have seen mistakes made in all the different schools I have worked in but they are rare if it is a decent school with a good head.