So, I grew up in a family where my father was not to be upset. What he wanted went. Apparently this was because he worked, so we all had to be sympathetic and he never had to do the dishes, or vacuum etc.
I hated it, he gets very upset very easily, is pretty OCD about routine and people not touching his things etc. I think of my childhood as unhappy and me being controlled a lot.
Now I have been staying with my sister and family. Today we were getting ready for a big party tomorrow for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. My sister, 2 nieces and dd and I have worked flat out all day. Her dh is in the garage doing work on a car. This is his hobby on one of his many classic cars, not an essential repair.
All day we have provided cups of tea and meals. Then my younger niece came in and said she's told her dad she was busy right now (she was) and if he wanted tea immediately he could make it himself. My sister sighed and said that she wished her daughter wouldn't upset him like that.
This is just my childhood all over again, isn't it? The father being the great I AM and no one else is allowed to upset him or contradict him. When not working he does what he wants, and everyone else does all the typical female servitude..
If I dared express such opinions I would be told that I am awkward. AIBU to think like this. In my head I'm not, but everyone around me would tell me otherwise.
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions
AIBU? And I could do with some support
kickassangel · 24/08/2013 22:01
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And Dad's speech was a lot about his work, his hobbies, and how mum had been his partner and support throughout. Mum was mainly a SAHM, but she did everything in the house, and raising us two. It got mentioned, but not a huge amount. The whole thing was "behind every man is a great woman" to a T. No mention of mum running the PTA or charity work or her literature studies etc etc.
Everyone just nodded along. I can't think of one of the people in the room who would chat later about how it was so biased. There were about 60 people there, and they all would comment on what a nice speech it was. It was MEANT to be a speech to thank my mum for 50 years together! 
Now my Dad is definitely not NT in some way, so it doesn't surprise me that he lost his way a bit and focused on the wrong thing, but doesn't it just show the value system that he got side tracked into talking about his life, not about mum. This was a prepared speech, carefully rehearsed, not a spur of the moment panic thing.
The thing is, these people love me, and have supported me in many ways. It does feel ungrateful to then criticize them, but I wish that they could love me for who I am, without trying to force me to be like them. I'm not trying to convert them into radical feminism, I just want to be allowed to be myself without the tutting and frowning. They just can't let a different idea exist within the family, we all have to be the same.
Yes, yes, it does show the value system in which your dad - and whole family - have lived. I repeat, you are a marvellous exception and I hope you will encourage your promisingly exceptional niece!
What I am going to suggest is what you've suggested endlessly to yourself. Perhaps it will help to have it said by others, in other ways. Adopt the principle of I'm OK, you're OK. (Here's the book, if you don't know it.) It is a fundamental assertive principle that you are the only qualified judge of your own behaviour, and everyone else is the judge of theirs. This doesn't stop you having opinions. But it does presuppose everyone's sovereign right to be treated with respect.
When your sister chuckles patronisingly at your modern ways, one assertive response would be with DESC scripting (h2g2.com/approved_entry/A2998551 three-quarters of the way down]].) In this case, your assertion would be something like: "When you belittle me like that, I feel you look down on me. I'd like you to acknowledge my point of view, then we'll get along better."
A related approach comes through Transactional Analysis. You sister has gone into Parent mode around you, and you've unconsciously reacted by feeling like a frustrated Child. The way forward with TA is to respond in the other person's mode - in this case, Parent - and then talk them down into reasonable Adult mode (or have a Parental argument, if the mood takes you!) A Parental response to her patronisation might be somewhat like "Sister, have you really not noticed it's the 21st century? You talk as though we were in Jane Austen novel! [indulgent chuckle]" If you can steer the resultant conversation to a DESC and agreement, you have done a marvellously Adult transaction :)
This is an essay, but I shall doggedly continue 
When BIL asks for a cuppa, your assertive response is something like "Not now, I'm finishing some work." If he's a machisto grown-up, he'll ask you how long you'll be. It's then up to you to decide whether to allow tea in forty minutes, or to say you can't make his tea right now and suggest he puts the kettle on. IT DOESN'T MATTER what he thinks of you, or what you think of them. All that matters is you taking your responsibility for your own self, and allowing them to take theirs.
I'm really curious to know whether this is any help? Small changes in the ways we interact with others can wreak tremendous changes in those relationships; the core point, always, is that you're OK. So are they. It's merely a matter of finding ways to make this clear :)
FWIW, I was elected to speak for my siblings at my psychopath father's funeral. I didn't say he was lovely. I told the truth, in an OK/OK way. I'm still very proud of this, and my speech was very well regarded. You don't have to pussyfoot, neither do you have to rage.
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