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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Right I need some strategies ds1 is driving me..

75 replies

Beetroot · 10/09/2008 20:13

He is 14 in year 10 start of GCSE year

expects to do what ever he wants when ever he wants

Wants to play on xbox, talk to mates, eat shit

Lies about homework

Wants to do homework with msn on

Rushes homework

Is rude

Changed - just not interested in being interested IYKWIM

Leaves his stuff everywhere

How do I stop having a go at him all the time but also don't let him get away with being a selfish git?

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Beetroot · 10/09/2008 20:18

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girlsnextdoor · 10/09/2008 20:20

My advice would be "hands off" as much as possible- decide what is worth arguing over and leave the rest. I had a very stormy relationship with my DS- see post below" and realsied too late perhaps that you cannot make them do things.

I would leave the homework etc up to school, apart from maybe a weekly nag- I used to be a sec. school teacher- as long as they know you care, that's fine- but leave it up to them to put the pressure on- if need be, go and talk to them and devise a strategy where they will nag, not you.

Food- give him what you think he should eat- or he goes without.

Leaving a mess- say whatever is left on the floor or around the house will be thrown away- unless he clears it up by the end of each day.

It is all normal stuff to rebel, but kids need boundaries and they are testing you- my only advice is to realise that you cannot control everything, so decide what is most important to you.

Has he got a Dad who can step in and check him for the rudeness?

You could also bargain with him- rudeness=no lifts/pocket money/whatever.

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Beetroot · 10/09/2008 20:24

dad is here - he struggles too.

so do you think it is ok just to go to town buy sweets and fizzy drinks and then come home and not reallyt eat dinner

how can I stop him doing this? Or should I just ignore it?

I had a long chat with yesterday about clearing up, picking up etc. It was totally ignored - jsut didn't think.

He just looks at me like I am a bother.

Am going to stop nagging re homework - good idea - school will be on him if he does not do.

He is like a didfferent child

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Beetroot · 10/09/2008 20:27

Hardly ate tea and now has ocme down and wants cake etc - just helps himself.

'don't nag'
'why'
'hmph'

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anyfucker · 10/09/2008 20:27

I have one of these kids.

You have my sympathy. I will watch this thread for wonderful advice.

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compo · 10/09/2008 20:27

if you really don't want him eating crap and going into town with his mates can you curb his allowance?
Or say he can only go one night a week, not on a school night?

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girlsnextdoor · 10/09/2008 20:32

No I don't agree about the sweets etc- where does he get his money from for them? can you tackle that one at source?

could you time dinner later so he is hungry? teenagers are always starving! I know that might seem like giving in, but at least he would then eat a healthy meal.

What does he leave lying about? Maybe you have to be really mean and say that anything left downstairs etc after he has gone to s chool will be put in a black bin liner and put out.......

is it clothes or what?

I used to make mine put their clothes in a laundry basket and if they didn't, then they didn't get washed- no clean clothes = their tough luck.

Cake- say no and hide it if need be!

Maybe you and DH need to sit him down and read out list of "rules" - united front.

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girlsnextdoor · 10/09/2008 20:33

What does he get from you that you can stop, unless he is more co-operative?

Lifts?
Money?

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girlsnextdoor · 10/09/2008 20:37

carrots are always better that sticks- what does he want that he might get if he behaves better? More money? More lifts?

God, it's hard- I hate teenagers- I was such a crap mum with my DS - you have my sympathy.

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dizzydance · 10/09/2008 20:38

Am watching this thread with interest. My ds1 is exactly same age and is exactly the same as yours. Ds2 is one year behind and is mostly ok although a bit temperamental but am hoping so much I don't have to ho through this in a years time. My dh works away 2 weeks at a time so often it is just us. Some times I envy dh going away to his oilrig and wish it was me that was going! Even he admits he def has the easier life!

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Beetroot · 10/09/2008 20:41

He gets £20 per month pocket money

He does not need lifts, we live in town.

He is hungry but seems to fill on pop and sweets

he leaves towels/shoes/bag/washing

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Hassled · 10/09/2008 20:44

I can't give you any great advice because I really struggled with DS1 in the 14-18 stage. He did OK at GCSEs - just good enough - but had to retake AS and A Levels. He ate rubbish, was surly, completely selfish and generally hard work. I really didn't deal with it well - nagged and moaned a lot without actually sticking to any boundaries.

All I can tell you is to remember he won't always be like this. And he really won't - DS1 is 21 now and a pleasure to be around. When he's not here I miss him like mad - not something I would have believed a few years ago. So nil desperandum - stick to your guns without completely alienating him and he will become nice again one day.

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Beetroot · 10/09/2008 20:44

little bugger just came down and said can you type in Tchaikovsky Symphony 6 Karajan first mov. 1/2into you tube heard it is fab!

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girlsnextdoor · 10/09/2008 20:47

I would refuse to wash anything unless it is in a place where you want it- you decide.

Could you just throw all the things you mention into his room and let him sort them out?

What does he eat for lunch and breakfast? Could you make any changes there so he is less hungry and needs to buy sweets and pop?

Is that £20 for everything- eg. going out etc - or just for small stuff like sweets?

You could try another tack- don't cook for him and say "Oh I've given up cooking for you- you always leave it- I'll start cooking again for you when you stop eating sweets etc just before dinner." Sounds harsh but maybe he needs that.

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Beetroot · 10/09/2008 20:53

Going to do as you say GND

but will cook as have three others to think of.

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Moski · 10/09/2008 21:36

Read "Get Out of My Life, But First Take Me and Alex to Town" by Anthony Wolf and Suzanne Franks. It won't make your DS any nicer, but it will make you feel a lot better and give you some good tips.

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girlsnextdoor · 10/09/2008 21:37

kids, eh?

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BecauseImWorthIt · 10/09/2008 21:41

Read in the Guardian about a new website that has just started up, called gotateenager.org.uk - that might be worth a visit?

I sympathise.

I have had DS2 (13) in tears this evening, after an altercation with me about how little he does beyond his Wii/PC - and that was before I discovered he had homework to do, and that he had lied to me and said he had nothing.

Then I had to have a go at DS1 (16) who, despite me asking him 3 times, had still not cleared his desk, and was doing his French homework on his knee.

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Moski · 10/09/2008 21:51

I just logged into the website in above post. It looks okay, but I don't see anyplace like here where I can blurt out my true feelings about how my teenagers are making my life miserable!

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noddyholder · 10/09/2008 21:55

Ditto beetroot But all other parents I speak to say bite your lip they do get better by 15ish.I repeat myself so much that he ahs relented on a few things but mostly is just like your ds and I am trying to talk to him and not shout and have said as long as he does his homework and cleans room every saturday I will chill on other stuff.If he doesn't his pocket money will be cut.Agree its a nightmare though

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BecauseImWorthIt · 10/09/2008 21:56

There is a message board - but I think it's all a bit new, and not many people on there.

But as it's sponsored/run by Parentline, and it looks like the moderators are heavily involved, there could be access to help of a kind that might not be offered here, beyond the release of venting, of course!

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BecauseImWorthIt · 10/09/2008 21:57

And MN is great, but there are fewer people with teenagers, whereas the other site is focused on teenagers.

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Beetroot · 10/09/2008 22:09

BIWI - I thikn there are a air few parents of teenagers on here and I have had some great advice this evening.

The xbox is driving me- online with his mate.

I want to go to bed
He does not see why he should goto bed.

deep breath

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noddyholder · 10/09/2008 22:13

beetroot my ds has that online x box thing but there is no phone line in his room in this flat and it has been a god send but we are moving and its all he talks about how he'll be able to go online and play with his mates We have a set computer time which is one of the things that has worked

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BecauseImWorthIt · 10/09/2008 22:13

Because I say so - sadly!

There are a fair few with teenagers here, yes, but I thought you might also get some advice/help from a more targeted site.

But don't bother if you don't want to!