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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

I'm boken

58 replies

Kath36 · 03/02/2018 08:43

Ok so I've posted a few posts on her about my 15 year dd. So to cut long story short my beautiful girl changed over night. Wrong friends trouble at school to extent permantly excluded. Sent to her dad's to try and help her 100 miles away. She upped the game school refusal the kick offs the attitude etc. He called social services and a social worker become involved was put on reduced time table at school. Then evidence on iPad was seen of weed smoking with friend from when she was with me and a man exposing himself to her in said friends home with the parents were there. Police called. Then the father couldn't cope threatened care and wanted then to take her away fast forward 2 weeks and she is coming back to me tomorrow. I thought she had learnt something in week told me how it was a fresh start blah blah I've been in touch with every agency possible to week for help and it seems I will be getting it. A report states she is extremely vulnerable and now on the sexual exploitation list. As a result everything bit of help being thrown at me. Then I speak to her ladt night and bang. She don't want to give up her friends I'm going to treat her like a prisoner etc her attitude stinks. I had a positive day ready for her coming home and she had dragged me down again. My partner is not helpful as he shouts and doesn't particularly listen when I ask him not to I'm breaking and I don't know how to stop it. I cry all the time and it's consuming my life. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I'm in a very dark place because of my once funny living caring dd. I don't know where i went so wrong.

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MrsMozart · 03/02/2018 08:49

I don't have useful words, other than to say you didn't go wrong. It's just how she is for now. Most teens gone through a really shithead stage, to varying degrees. It's no fun for sure and is totally knackering.

Amongst the support you're going to get is there someone for you to talk to?

readyforapummelling · 03/02/2018 08:56

I just wanted to post to say you haven't done anything wrong and sound like a wonderful Mum who is doing everything you can. It's not your fault. I went through a rebellious stage at about 14-16 and managed to come out the other side unscathed. What about removing her from her circle of friends? Change school?

readyforapummelling · 03/02/2018 08:57

Aah I've just seen permanently excluded I'm sorry

newstart2018 · 03/02/2018 21:13

So sorry OP no words other than from one mother to another 💐 I thought I had it hard when they were small look after yourself and just keep telling your daughter you love her no matter what!!

Kath36 · 06/02/2018 08:33

Ok. So she is home. So far so good. Had a wobble on the first night home where I didn't care and don't want her to have friends. I have friends that are helping me through week trying to keep her busy as I have to work. We will be dropping in application for new school today and she is saying the right things at the moment. I'm living in that fear of the next kick off. She is very sneaky and we watching her like a hawk. Her dad has really messed with her head and although she is here she is very tearful and wants hugs. This is a new thing. I have SEND that are helping me and we have applied for a echp. I need to get the old friends out of her system and don't know how to make her see sence. Jeez this is so hard. Thank you for your kind comments.

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MrsMozart · 06/02/2018 09:31

A hopeful update lass. Been thinking about you. All is crossed.

Kath36 · 06/02/2018 10:25

Thank you. I'm desperately trying

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Kath36 · 06/02/2018 14:56

So as expected the kick off has come. Started when we dropped application at new school. Hate it I'm not going there for about an hour. Now I'm getting I don't care about her I'm ruining her life. Blaming me for her father etc etc she not gonna behave and makes sure she will get kicked out of the stupid school. When in God's earth will she see that I'm trying to help her. Now I'm getting that I shoukd let her see her friends I have no right to stop her seeing them blah blah.

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newstart2018 · 06/02/2018 15:06

Oh Kath so sorry to hear things are so bad I have had some horrible things said to me by my DD and she wished me dead at one point just keep doing what your doing let her know it's because you love her and that you want to protect her!! Like you I did not expect my world to be turned upside down it will get better it's like a bereavement tbh accepting that your daughter is the way she is keep the faith you will get through this.

Kath36 · 06/02/2018 16:18

Thank you. I not long tried to talk to her again. Ended with her shouting at me she isn't gonna change deal with it. She is fixated on these 2 particular "friends" both boys both no good. How on earth do I move past this. I honestly thought she had learnt a valuable life lesson but clearly not. She has stormed out of house I've not chased her like I normally would. My friend just text to say she there. Sat here on my day off crying again. It makes me feel so low.

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newstart2018 · 06/02/2018 16:49

Hi Kath do you have any female relatives or close friends not emotionally involved that can speak to her or can you speak to the school and ask for support! I got my DD to the doctors and the GP was brilliant and gave her a big talking to!

Kath36 · 06/02/2018 17:34

I do have lots of friends that will help. One in particular is the one she runs to. Been there today she not long come in kicking off again saying she had no life and I don't care. Threatening to kill herself as I won't allow her any technology or for her to see these people. One of which lives about 200 miles away and in truth in not convinced she has ever met him. It was a battle at her father's as this so called boy was winging her at 2 3 in the morning. He told her father to f@@k off a number of times. He has ignored messages from both of us. She is completely fixated on him and I can't understand why. Claims she loves him. Wtf. I've tried telling her that social services won't allow her to have contact as she is deemed vulnerable. She won't entertain making new friends at new school. We only on day 2 and I'm worn out already I knew it wasn't going to be easy but it's been relentless today. I've put the forms in this morning to get her back in my gp's so hoping to get her app this week. I'm not sure how much more of this I can cope with.😕

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Iluvthe80s · 06/02/2018 18:14

You will cope. Breath. Each day is a fresh start. Thinking of you

CakeOfThePan · 06/02/2018 18:35

I’m really really sorry if I’m way off, but it sounds like these “boys” are grooming her?

What support have social services put in for her? Have you looked at the grooming support networks for her?

Kath36 · 06/02/2018 20:06

She is on the sexual exploitation list.social services putting safe guarding in place. It just goes from worse to worse. I just had a full on heart to heart with her. She told me how she was treated while with her father. I'm so mad he has really messed with her head but I just didn't know how much till now. I'm going to arrange some councilling in morning. I'm devastated as she is. I now see why so angry.

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Callamia · 06/02/2018 20:12

All the way through them this thread I was hoping that she was receiving counselling - and I’m so glad that you are arranging it. All of this kicking off and behaviour is communication about something, and maybe even she can’t articulate what right now.

I think she should be having counselling as soon as possible, and also think about what school would suit her best right now. Are there any good SEMH schools nearby? Some specialist secondaries are very heavy on pastoral care, and may accept dual role (mainstream and specialist school students). An EHCP will likely at least have them talk to you about options.

Iluvthe80s · 06/02/2018 21:49

If you now know why she is so angry, you can help her and support her. Awful for you both, but now you can get her the right support.
x

Kath36 · 08/02/2018 06:09

Ok. Slightly more positive day yesterday. I decided to tackle things head on and I emailed our local councillor. She got back to me and said she'll give us 100%. She look into alternative education for her and make sure she gets every bit of support and care she needs. Dd on other hand was like a new kid yesterday friendly and kind like she used to be. I so hope this works. Drs app tomorrow so hopefully we on right track and hope the kick offs will become less. Feeling slightly more positive.

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Iluvthe80s · 08/02/2018 08:29

Good stick with it. You are doing a great job for her. When our sons behaviour started to seriously decline it was a real shock and we were not sure how best to handle. As soon as we changed our lense and gave him the impression we were in control, unflappable, supportive (even if the reality was we were shitting ourselves) his behaviour started to improve. He was in a very bad place but ultimately a scared and complex young man. All he used to show is anger. Now we have a few smiles, laughter and tears (I see this as progress as he is letting it out). I'm
Really pleased you are making progress. When you hit bumps in the road just take a breath and make sure you look after yourself too. Do not underestimate the value of self care. It's like the oxygen mask on a plane. Make sure you put yours on first so you can help your girl. X

Kath36 · 08/02/2018 20:33

Thank you so much for your kind words. It helps to know others are going through it to. So day 4 is coming to a close and I'm happy to report that I nervously agreed to her staying home alone today while I went to work. Although she rang me about 20 times came home to a clean house. A kiss when I came home and what she woukd like to do when older. I could cry that she appears to be my normal girl.

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Iluvthe80s · 09/02/2018 07:06

That's great. Don't panic if you have blips along the way. Just stay strong and have courage you are heading in the right direction x

Kath36 · 10/02/2018 07:51

Last night had tge most epic of kick offs. All because its saturday today and she always went out with her friends on a saturday. She was told no and the screaming commenced. The clothes came flying out of the wardrobes im ruining her life i dont understand anything. Ive took everything from her. Went on for almost 2 hours. I seriously dont think i have anymore strengh to battle on. Social worker rang and is coming to meet us on monday and she is "gonna tell her how it is" they are not gonna stop her seeing her friends. She just wont listen to any kind of reason. I knew this was going to hard but i dont think i fully prepared myself for this again. I just dont know what else i can do.

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Iluvthe80s · 10/02/2018 11:51

there will be bumps along the road. A key part (in my experience) is understanding what underlying issue is driving this behaviour and you are making progress here.

She is testing you. She is scared. If you feel bad I guarantee she is feeling a million times worse. You have to make her feel you've got this. But part of that is making sure you self care and get support too.

We talk about choice and consequence with our son. We don't punish him as it achieves nothing and as a result, he usually tells us what is going on in his life-eg smoking weed, drinking etc. Keeping comunication open is key. She needs to know she can come to you no matter what!
You CAN get through this!

fessmess · 10/02/2018 12:05

I thought your op was one of mine from two years ago to start with. Anxiety, school refusal, ss, drugs, wrong friends and kick offs galore. She called me a cunt and hoped I died from cancer, that was one of the low points. She was 15 too. Eventually she realised her friends were dragging her down and she kicked the weed. Two years on she is less violent and is more reasonable, still getting herself back on track but much better. My advice? Remember you have always done your best, find support for yourself and remember it won't be like this forever. You are having a shit time, be kind to yourself.

Iluvthe80s · 10/02/2018 12:23

fessmess really pleased to read your post!

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