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Do you sometimes struggle to find your teenager loveable?

(61 Posts)
GoodyGoodyGumdrops Fri 27-Jan-17 18:06:38

And does it pass?

Crumbs1 Fri 27-Jan-17 18:27:43

I'd say there were moments I wanted to suffocate them or shriek very loudly at them but unlovable? Never. I used to love when they were all cuddly in their floppy pjs, curling up with me on sofa. I miss their loving teasing about my dancing and singing. I had a few wayward tears on results days when we knew they'd got into med school/Sandhurst/Durham or wherever.

GoodyGoodyGumdrops Fri 27-Jan-17 20:24:21

I miss the curling up with me on the sofa. Occasionally I creep into his room at night to stroke his cheek and give him a hug and a kiss without feeling 'tolerated'.

Bluntness100 Fri 27-Jan-17 20:25:44

Well, sometimes she drives me to distraction, but I've never felt she was unloveable nor have I ever snuck into her room and stroked her as a teenager.🙄

lljkk Fri 27-Jan-17 20:26:29

YES (struggle) & yes (feeling ebbs).
Sometimes you do the right things for them out of duty not love. Then you can look back & know you did your best so take what happens next with more serenity.

Crumbs1 Fri 27-Jan-17 20:58:55

I completely get the creeping in to watch them sleeping. Snuggled up, sweaty little curls, a very young child reappears when they sleep.

WestCoastGirl Fri 27-Jan-17 22:19:02

There have been times (many times) over the past few years when I did not like dd at all. I always loved her, but didn't like her. Things are better now and I like her again, but it took a while.
I've never sneaked into her room either! She'd go nuts!

Wolfiefan Fri 27-Jan-17 22:22:57

If you struggle to find them lovable then just remember how unlovable teens can feel themselves. There are friendship issues, peer pressure, pressure from school and threat of looming exams, constant scrutiny and FOMO. They are convinced that everyone is watching and analysing everything they are doing and many are certain that the whole world is more handsome, prettier, cleverer, more talented or more popular. They are expected to act like an adult but often treated like a child. And the hormones. Holy crap the hormones. Every emotion is experienced to the max.
It's full of angst and stress. I wouldn't be a teen again for the world!!

NowtAbout Fri 27-Jan-17 22:26:58

Oh I remember catching my mum sneaking in for a cuddle when I was about 15 and pretending to be asleep just so I could enjoy it!

mineofuselessinformation Fri 27-Jan-17 22:30:43

They're trying to figure out who they are, and what they want to be. They don't have an adult brain yet, so it's a tough process.
They're also convinced that they're old enough to make their own decisions, but they're not!
Patience is your friend, don't sweat the small stuff, just decide on what you will not tolerate and act on that.

Bensyster Fri 27-Jan-17 23:31:46

At times hard to like - have felt our relationship derailing - usually we "love bomb" to get out of a negative relationship rut. It makes us all feel better.

PenelopeFlintstone Sat 28-Jan-17 08:15:12

Yes, because he can be a total prick. And then I end up screaming and crying at him, like I did a couple of hours ago. I don't understand how he can be so horrible.

GoodyGoodyGumdrops Wed 08-Feb-17 15:27:29

I've just reread 5 months of Whatsapp ing between ds and me. (Waiting for school to let youngest's class out.)

It's been refreshing. Reminded me that there's so much more to our relationship than the sometime frustrations. I saw the incredibly delightful - and very loveable - teenager that I forget is still there.

Cinderford Wed 08-Feb-17 18:58:52

Yes, I did struggle sometimes to find her loveable. Then I heard the poem Those Winter Sundays on R4 and it encapsulates parenthood perfectly - or at least, I think it does. It's written by someone looking back at all of the things his father did for him, and which he didn't appreciate at the time. The final two lines are:

What did I know, what did I know
Of love's austere and lonely offices?

It gave me hope that one day she would be a more pleasant person. I think she's getting there now smile

AnyFucker Wed 08-Feb-17 19:02:40

I could cheerfully throw my two out the house right now.

GoodyGoodyGumdrops Wed 08-Feb-17 19:08:34

Oh my, Cinder, that is a beautiful poem. But it made me think of my grandfather - a grumpy, silent, hardworking man. I both feared and loved him, but did not appreciate how much he loved me, how much he did for us, and how he would have moved heaven and earth for me, until I was a parent myself.

Cinderford Wed 08-Feb-17 19:48:28

Hello Goody. Yes, it's a lovely poem, and I was very fortunate to happen across it on Poetry Please. I think you probably don't appreciate it until you are a parent yourself. Glad to hear it had a personal resonance for you.

wishing4sun Wed 08-Feb-17 20:01:32

Not unloveable but not some I like very much sometimes, incredibly selfish and ungrateful and unbothered by anything. Makes me sad, and then Occasionally the lovely helpful, motivated and funny young man pines his head out to say hi. Swings and roundabouts but wow it's hard work.

liveoutloud Fri 24-Feb-17 22:16:06

Years ago, when I was a young woman with no kids, I read an article a teens’ mom wrote about her kids. I clearly remember only one thing from it, “I love my kids but I do not like them”. I was shocked. Could not understand at all and carried these words for years until the day I found myself looking at my teen thinking exactly the same thing. Perhaps your question should have been “Do you sometimes struggle to find your teenagers likeable?”, a lot more people would jump to say, YES, YES, YES. In addition, I would say, ALL THE TIME! I have 3 kids, 18, 15 and 12. Oh boy! My kids are angels, always have been and still are. When they were little, they slept well, ate well, listened. They were never in trouble, never hit other kids, or steal their toys, never broke or destroyed stuff around the house. Now that they are bigger, they are not partying, smoking, drinking or doing drugs. They are not even dating yet. However, their attitudes and mood swings drive me nuts. Often times I look at them and think, “What happened to my babies, what did these strangers did to them”? 
People say it will pass and they will “come back to us”. I am waiting for this moment and hoping it is true. I suggest you do the same thing. sad

Redfluffysocks Sat 25-Feb-17 11:32:14

I agree liveoutloud it should be "likeable". I love dd more than life, but often don't like her. If anyone else spoke to me or shouted at me the way she sometimes does, I would have nothing to do with them ever again. I remember having this conversation with someone about 3 or 4 years ago and I still feel the same.

terie5 Sat 25-Feb-17 18:43:39

I would so love to hear from any of you more experienced mumsnet mums that this horrible stage is going to pass.
DS is 17 and is driving us to despair. I cry my eyes out every night with worry. Where did it go wrong?
He has always been prone to anger outbursts and I requested a referral to CAHMS when he was at primary school. A few years later, he once kicked me and I immediately arranged counselling sessions. I was told that he had OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER. Tbh I was not given any advice on how to deal with him, the sessions ended and that was the end of it.
We have gone through ups and downs, many many arguments and as many reconciliations and the years have just gone by.
Currently, DS is depressed because of exam pressures and he has recently taken to using foul language that is totally unacceptable.
I love him unconditionally but it pains me to write that I do not like him - his sense of entitlement, his selfishness, his lack of reasoning, his aggressiveness, his materialism.
We are seeking professional help but I wonder if I will ever have my gorgeous boy back...
Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Paperdolly Sat 25-Feb-17 19:13:43

Gosh. I remember this white knuckle ride! Hang in there love.

skerrywind Mon 27-Feb-17 06:46:31

Nope. Sorry. I have two teens and they are very loveable and affectionate. Cross words are very rare. I practice/ed AP . I had a blissful holiday in Greece last summer with my 16 year old daughter, my 19 year old son is a pleasure, we go out for lunch often to fun places, and have movie afternoons with pots of tea and biscuits.
We have a deep respect for each family member.

ithakabythesea Mon 27-Feb-17 06:57:11

I had a few wayward tears on results days when we knew they'd got into med school/Sandhurst/Durham or wherever.

A + stealth boast, a teenager working towards med school etc (insert aspirational outcome of choice) is not going to be unloveable in the way many of us have experienced ie rebellious, wayward, stroppy, non compliant. I certainly don't get soppy cuddles on the sofa - a day without shouting is a win here (and only achieved if we don't actually try and talk to each other).

It is hard, I struggle - the older one wasn't like this. I have talked and confided so much in friends and family and the ultimate conclusion seems to be that you just have to ride it out and hope they don't fuck their lives up too much so you can pull it back later. I love them, but lovable they ain't.

GoodyGoodyGumdrops Mon 27-Feb-17 07:05:11

Ithaca - not necessarily. An aspirational A* student can still be a selfish, hormonal little tick. They can still be derailed by the stress of their life.

This is neither stealth boasting nor competitive suffering.

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