Sorry. Long one. I think I'm offloading as well as asking for opinions.
A bit of background (for those of you who don't already know)... About 6 weeks ago, I had a nightmare weekend: I was burgled by someone who had a key for my house - so almost certainly one of my son's 'friends'; then my own son was arrested because the police suspected him; then, tho he hadn't, it turned out that he was at a party held by his 'best mate' (19) and attended by many local lads, plus - incredibly shockingly - two men who had allegedly just stabbed a couple of people, killed one of them, gone home to get changed, and headed off to the party. :( :(
I put a ban on my son bringing anyone at all into my house for a week or two. I then relaxed that ban to "no-one comes in when I'm not at home and around to supervise". My logic was/is that (a) my son has a lousy taste in friends, (b) until I know who did burgle me, I can't be sure who didn't, and (c) DS2 and I need to be and feel safe in our own home.
But my son does not respect my feelings or take them seriously at all. He has totally different values and measures of risk/danger/acceptable behaviour. He thinks I'm making 'a fuss'. Since then, he has broken the ban several times. He has let his friends in when I have been at work. He snuck 4-5 lads in when I was asleep and they took drugs in my kitchen. Last night, he snuck his 'best mate' in after I had gone to bed, and when I discovered him and chucked him out, my son kicked off, screamed and swore at me, and left with his mate to go and find somewhere else to sleep.
His take on it was that his mate had no-where else to stay, he stands by his mates and supports them, he didn't ask because he knew I'd say 'no', and there was no way he was going to let him 'go out on the streets' on his own. My take on it is that I do not trust the guy - there's something about him that makes me uncomfortable; he has never had a conversation with me or made any effort to be pleasant; people who have 'nowhere to stay' have burnt bridges and are not good news; every time my son has anything to do with him there's trouble; and anyone who is happy to try to sneak into a house past a sleeping mum is untrustworthy.
I am now close to panic because I can't work out what to do... My problem is that if I ask myself "What do you want in this situation?", everything I can think of is impossible or worse than the current situation... I have been here before and I know I am going round in circles... :(
My first choice would be for my 'nice' son to come back and replace this selfish fcker who has taken his place during the last couple of years :( I know that isn't going to happen, of course.
My second choice would be for him to get an entirely different set of friends - nice ones who are at college or in work, and who don't have criminal records. But of course I can't chose his friends for him, and he's not going to make any new friends while he's not doing anything.
My third choice would be for a relative to offer to have him live with them. We haven't got any who would/could. And his useless fcker father is on the other side of the world.
My fourth choice would be for DS1 to leave home happily and go and live somewhere far away doing something constructive that will help him grow up, and come home to visit from time to time when we both want to see each other. That isn't going to happen either: he doesn't want to go anywhere, he isn't mature enough, he's a bit of a lazy sod, and he's too young for any organised schemes (like VSO).
My fifth choice option would be to throw him out. But that will bring him into more contact with the people and things I don't want in my life, or his. I fear for his safety and wellbeing.
My sixth option is to have him living at home but not to allow anyone else in at all ever (or at least not until he makes some new nice friends ). But that needs his co-operation, and I haven't got it :(
My seventh option is to have him living at home and allow friends in when I am at home and awake... But we've tried that, and the trust is already broken. And again it requires cooperation from him that isn't there.
I can't work out any option that would actually work :(
So (and if you've read this far, thanks) I have some specific questions for people. Any answers/thoughts welcome...
- Am I being unreasonable to be now wanting a total ban on having any of his friends in my house?
- I hate that my son has friends I do not like or trust. I know that's quite a common parent perspective, but how do other people deal with it? Do you let people you don't like and trust into your house?
- Given that I can't actually enforce a ban on my son's friends with my son living at home, do I just (a) give in and let them hang out at my house; or (b) accept it's impossible for my son to live at home any more, and throw him out, despite inevitable bad consequences for him? :(
- I wonder whether a compromise would work - i.e. allow the 'best mate' in, even though I don't like or trust him - on the understanding that no-one else is allowed in ever - and taking the gamble that this will make it more likely DS will stick to the agreement. My trust in DS is so damaged I would expect this agreement to be broken too... But is it worth a try?
Or can anyone else think of something that would work?
I am really struggling with this. Any help/advice will be much appreciated :)