Two teen sons have done drugs and now husband says he'll leave...

[NeverThoughtItWould]

Abbreviated version: DS2, 15 and DS3, 14 have taken drugs for a year and 5 months respectively. Just discovered this. My DH, their stepdad has said he will leave if they stay.
Short story long - My 3 DS are, until 5 days ago, everything you'd wish for - intelligent and doing well at school, very popular, sporty and sociable.
We had to collect DS3 who is 14 and take him home after he started spewing at a friend's house. I read his mobile while he slept off what I thought was drink. Discovered his brother DS2, who is 15, had bought him drugs - costing £25 and bought with Xmas money. After interrogations the next day, DS3 admitted he'd been smoking weed for 5 months and done it about 10 times. DS2 been smoking weed for a year and once took mcat (the legal high that was made illegal a few months ago).
I'm gutted - we have discussed drugs round dinner table and I've made it clear that although I know they'll experiment with drink, that drugs was a BIG NO NO and if they did they could leave.
They're more concerned about being caught and consequences than implications of drug taking. Both stating that they'd never become addicted and could have stopped at any time.
Oldest DS thinks they're a couple of idiots and keeping out of it.
They're currently grounded, no
access to internet, mobiles or money and they have to make their own pack lunches (they'd been using dinner money for the weed). They've both said they're sorry and the 15 year old has said he's glad be's been caught because it means he will stop.
My DH is just as disgusted with them as I am. He does not see the situation improving as they have lied constantly and he does not want to live with people who think drug taking is okay. Plus we don't want to be wondering what they're up to when they're out. The solution is to send them to their father. He lives abroad in a poor country - after meeting a woman on internet. He's not seen the boys for 3 years and never contributed financially. Boys think he is a joke.
My choice is to send them to live with their father - I spoke to him and he wouldn't commit to them moving there and just stated that the education is inferior and there are no English schools.
The other is to keep them with me. This would mean that my DH of almost 5 years will leave, the house will need to be sold (little if any equity), I have to find a job (not worked for 2 years) and he will look for custody of our gorgeous DC who is 2.

I'm gutted and keep thinking the boys have caused this so they should have the consequences but break down at the thought of them at other side of world and not knowing if they're safe or when I'll see them again.
Any advice?

[fluffyanimal]

So after one run in with teenage boys, your DH wants to leave?

i don't have teenagers so others please flame me if you think I'm wrong but it strikes me this is not out of the ordinary with teenagers: you find out they have done something unacceptable that are against all your ground rules. But surely they are young, this is the first transgression, shouldn't they be given a chance (suitable punishments like you have already put in place notwithstanding)?

Don't send the boys to their father - that gives the message that you abdicate responsibility when the going gets tough. IMO you all have to stick this through and that includes your DH. Does he have children of his own? What grounds does he have to think things will only get worse?

[MinnieMummy]

Teenagers experiment and push boundaries. It's what they do. It sounds like they have learnt their lessons and are fully aware of how upset and angry you are.

I'd say for you to throw out a 15 and a 14-year-old in these circs is excessive and for your DH to threaten to leave is ridiculous and it's emotional blackmail - 'me or them' effectively.

[werewolf]

Ask your Dh what he would do if dc3 does drugs when they're old enough?

[OopsDoneItAgain]

So, they were perfect sons until 5 days ago, however now you are thinking of getting rid of them? Really? You and your husband are both wierd. parenting involves taking the rough with the smooth, not threatening to pack children off after a mistake has been made. I feel very very sorry for your sons.

[Lulumaam]

I am absolutely appalled that after this one incident, you are both ready and willing to give up on the boys

you were willing to send them to a foreign country to a father they don't like to a place they don't know

and their stepfather who has been in their lives for a long time, is ready to leave

the boys have not caused this !!! they are teens doing stupid stuff a lot of teens do.. and you are ready to shut them out of your lives

how horrible

if your DH thought the teen years would be problem free, he;s a fool

and would he walk out on his 2 year old if she /he does the same in 10 years time?

you both need to take a long hard look at your own reactions before you take it all out on the boys

I think your DH's reaction is blackmail and he essentially is saying he only wants to be part of a family if it is perfect

[scurryfunge]

Did you tell the boys you wanted to get rid of them to their father? That was cruel if you did. You need to address the issue as a family.
If DH's ridiculous attitude persists then show him the door, not your boys.

[wigglybeezer]

You are going too far; everyone deserves a chance to redeem themselves but your boys need your support to do this, it takes a lot of emotional maturity to resist peer pressure at their age, give them a chance to develop it woth your guidance (I think your DH could do with some help in that area too).
I know you won't like to hear this but smoking weed is very common even amongst middle-class kids in "nice" schools. DH and I and almost all our friends did it occasionally 30 years ago and none of us went off the rails or failed exams etc. they have the good example of their older brother and are relieved to have been caught so they will be fine.

Don't use a sledgehammer to crack a nut!

[NeverThoughtItWould]

Thanks everyone for such quick replies - all comments are welcomed - even the ones that say I'm weird.
You're all saying what I really feel. There's no way I'm sending my boys to their useless father and having their lives wrecked.
If it means my DH leaves so be it. He's a very moral man, very black and white. I think he's particularly gutted because he's close to them and feels he's been betrayed. He does have two teenage sons who live with their mother and has a rocky relationship with them although they stay here regularly. He's also concerned his own sons may be influenced by this.

[tiredemma]

I think that you are both massively over reacting.

You say yourself that they regret it.

Im afraid that in addition to feeling disappointed with my children- I would also be hugely disappointed with my husband if he used an opportunity like this to bansish my children to another part of the world, for a "crime" that is quite frequently seen in a large amount of households with teenagers in.

Does he normally act so irrationally to things??

[threefeethighandrising]

You need to protect your boys from your DH's ridiculous demands. He is causing the situation with his ridiculous attitude. How dare he suggest sending your boys away to another country because of this? You need to stand up for your children with this man.

Many, many teens experiment with drugs. Your punishment (basically screwing up their lives, and their relationship with you and their little sister to boot) far, far outweighs their crime. Can't you see that?

[NeverThoughtItWould]

No I've not told the boys they're being sent to their father but that I have considered it. Also been telling them that this does not affect how much I love them.

[threefeethighandrising]

"There's no way I'm sending my boys to their useless father and having their lives wrecked."

Phew!

In that case you need to help your DH understand about teenagers. If he's strictly black and white about everything you'll all be in for a tough time.

[GlynistheMenace]

NTIW, your DH is not taking any responsibilty in his part of helping to bring up YOUR kids then?

And you are willing to send them to a place they don't know, with very little prospects (or so you say) of an education or chance then to get over their misdemeanor?

You as adults need help.

You can't pick and choose which parts of a kids life you want to be responsible for, and dump them as soon as they do something you don't like!

[Lulumaam]

there's nothing moral about blackmailing your wife into choosing her husband or her children

[ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo]

your DH isn't very 'D' if he is asking you to choose between him and your chidlren.

teen fuck up, that's what they do. he needs to be tehre to support them and you to get them through this and off the drugs.

sorry but your DH is being a complete knobber.

[noddyholder]

You better let hin go now then because teenagers are a series of challenges before they come out the other side as people!So if he wants to kick them out or leave at teh first sign of trouble he is going to find the long haul a struggle.He sounds even more immature than the boys who seem to have had a quite grown up response exp if it means they will stop.

[Sothisishowwedoitnow]

Yes this is a bad and difficult situation, BUT it is NOT the end of the world and not all that unusual (sadly). I am staggered that your DH would be talking about leaving over this and I wonder if YOU are overreacting and feeling so all or nothing over it because of HIS OTT response.

I would quietly say to him "ok, it is totally your decision, although the last thing I want to happen, but I will not give up on my dc over this, which is what I feel I would be doing if I send them off to their Dad."

They are still kids ffs! Could be that being caught at this stage and given the right intervention could be the making of them.

Fwiw I had no experience with alcohol or drugs growing up, was totally protected from it. In my mid twenties I started going out and about and yes, you guessed it, it became a problem. Not any more but I would far rather have got all that nonsense out of my system back then when I had some adults around to help me than on my own as an adult.

[Sothisishowwedoitnow]

Has he always been like this OP? Dishing out ultimatums if you were not all behaving properly?

[ChippingIn]

I'd pack his stuff and wish him luck in getting custody of a 2 year old DD whose mothers only crime is to have two teenage boys who have smoked weed.

He sounds like a complete and utter tit.

I presume your vows covered something like 'for better or worse' and not something like 'until one of your kids does something I don't approve of'.

Fuckwit.

None of us want our kids to be smoking weed (or anything else) but for the love of all things holy, a child that gets to an adult without doing so these days is a rarity. Of course you need to come down like a ton of bricks when you find out, but this doesn't mean even considering sending them away anywhere let alone some godforaken backwater.

[jade80]

I'd boot him out before he gets the chance to leave, personally.

[NeverThoughtItWould]

Sothisishowwedoit - constructive - thanks. You've all confirmed what I was thinking about DH's reaction.
I have been thinking it's perhaps been a blessing that I've found out now as opposed to a year down the line.
Asked my husband for support (as you'd expect when you're shocked at finding your kids doing drugs)and he asked what I needed support for.

My ex-DH was just as helpful.

[AnyFucker]

I suggest you get rid of your stupid husband and pull togeher as a family without him

he has a poor relationship with his other sons ?

I'll bet he does

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

May I ask NeverThought if your DS's know about the ultimatum?

My Ex gave me this ultimatum re his own son having problems. My DS heard and it was a catalyst into several years of hell.

Your DS's need to hear you say, 'yes' they screwed up but they are my sons and I will NOT be even contemplating giving them up'.

Please think about the wider implications of this. He is pressuring you to give up your own boys because of a teen mistake. What kind of man does that? Your sons will be in turmoil that a mistake may result in them being torn away from their Mother. It will scar them for life.

DS is much much better but it took so long to heal his insecurities about his self worth, self esteem and so much more. Make a stand for your sons. It does not mean condoning what they have done but to send them away .