Ex husband's gf made my daughter cry on her birthday

[Bembridge124]

My first post on Mumsnet. But feel so upset and would welcome your thoughts. Divorced mum of three - husband had an affair. He is still with the same woman now. My kids see their dad regularly and stay with him and the gf and her child. She has been challenging - needy and jealous of me. She seems to be resentful of the money my ex pays for his three kids. Even though both her and the ex husband earn their own money. It was my daughter's 17th birthday and she had dinner with her father and his gf. Gf started haranguing her about the fact that she will be 18 next year and then she will be on her own financially and so she needed to think about getting a job! Ex husband tried to intervene and point out that this issue hadn't been discussed yet and also that she needed to tone it down a bit. My daughter started crying - at her own birthday dinner 😥😥😥
It seems my ex spoke to his gf later and she called up to apologise. This isn't the first incident - she had made my kids cry before. Shouting at them and telling them off for stuff that isn't their fault. But to make my daughter cry on her birthday just has totally tipped me over the edge 😥😥

[MohairMenace]

It’s sounds like your ex has dealt with it, the woman has apologised, don’t blow it up into something bigger than it needs to be.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

Your daughter cried because it was suggested to her that she needed to think about getting a job?

Mountains and molehills come to mind.

[MarigoldGlove]

I agree. It’s not great but it happened and it has been dealt with. It’s over now.

[ralphfromlordoftheflies]

Surely you want your daughter to have a job too?

[Isadora2007]

Why is a 17 year old crying over getting a job? Overreaction... and she sounds like a drama queen.

[Aderyn19]

Not cool to start bitching about money at the child's birthday dinner.
If your DD goes to uni her dad is going to be forking out for a good few years yet. If I was your DD I'd be making arrangements to see my dad without gf being present in future - honestly, the woman is lucky your children are prepared to accept her at all under the circumstances.

[flumpybear]

Going against the grain a bit here as I feel the GF was completely out I'd order - I suspect she's not wanting her to go to university as she wants to spend DD's support money on herself - GF/OW needs to suck up the fact that if she goes around stealing daddies then she needs to comprehend that daddy will support the child above her ...
personally I'd have a cool and calm word with exDH and just get him to tell the GF to butt out of family affairs as it's not her call ... but say it nicely so he remains on side

[NeverSayFreelance]

DD was probably crying because someone was harassing her - especially when it's none of that person's business.

I'm glad gf apologised but it's totally not on that she makes your children cry - and on their birthday as well!

[jay55]

If the 17 year old was planning to go to uni, and then is told on their birthday, that they will be cut off at 18, and have to get a job, of course they are going to be upset.
Especially if the tone was gleeful or spiteful.

[ralphfromlordoftheflies]

You can have a job whilst at uni. I did, whilst having full time placements too.

[Aderyn19]

Whether she ought to work or not is a matter for her and her parents - it's got fuck all to do with her dad's gf. Am glad he had a word with her but it's clear her agenda is to freeze your kids out financially asap.
I'd have a tactful word with exh too

[BazaarMum]

GF sounds horrible. It’s not her call whether DD will be ‘on her own financially’ your DH could continue to choose to support his DD through university if he wants to. They aren’t married so GF has no automatic rights here. Sounds like she couldn’t wait to stick the boot in, your poor DD.

[ralphfromlordoftheflies]

So you think that the SM who the DD sees and stays with regularly is not entitled to any opinion about whether her SD should get a job? I bet you're one of those posters who thinks SM's should do the washing, cooking, lifts, days out, room cleaning, and all the other drudgery that apparently IS their business

[username44678885]

Yes it would be good for OP DD to get a part time job at least at 18. But that has nothing to do with the ex gf and certainly should not be brought up by her at DD birthday meal.
Also whilst I would like to think I would encourage my DC to be more financially independent by 18. I certainly wouldn't expect that to mean I wouldn't be paying for things for them anymore.

Maybe a calm chat with your ex when you don't feel as angry/upset OP.

[Flamingo84]

You don’t go out for a nice birthday meal and expect to be blindsided by your dad’s gf. The dad was trying to calm the situation at the table but the damage god DD was done.

At 17 children are often at that difficult stage of feeling a bit vulnerable about the future. They’re not sure of it because they’re waiting on results, last year of college, placement offers or trying to find a job.

Last thing I would have wanted on my 17th is dad’s gf trying to have a serious discussion about my future. There’s an appropriate time, place and person to hold these discussions. If DD felt unprepared for the conversation and made to feel like a financial burden to her dad by the gf, I’m not surprised she cried.

In all fairness to exH he obviously didn’t agree with what his gf said/how/when she chose to say it. He pulled her on it immediately and must have brought it up again for her to call apologising.

I agree with @flumpybear, ask him to keep gf separate from DCs education/work discussions in future. (especially ones that will financially benefit her)

[ourkidmolly]

Well it's out of order and none of her business at all. She's clearly jealous etc but what can you do? Nowt. You just have to disassociate your feelings from the situation. Your dd will vote with her feet soon enough and may not even tolerate her if she continues acting like an ignorant pig towards her.

[Skittlenommer]

She sounds like a dick (the OW).

It’s not her God damn place to say anything is it! Especially at DD’s birthday meal! Fucking troll!

[Bembridge124]

Thanks all. I wasn't entirely clear. The issue is not about getting a job per se. Of course she should consider working to gain experience and earn some extra money! It was being told she would be cut off and the gfs tone was very aggressive. My daughter is definitely going to university. Her father works as in senior management and earns a good wage so not unreasonable to think he may want to help his child through university - like his parents did for him when he was a teen! She already knows she should get a part time job when she is at uni. But I do think these decision and discussions are for us as parents to have with her. Not for others to get involved in. And l do feel there is a time and a place for such discussions to be had. If you talk to someone in a tone that reduces them to tears them that is bullying in my book and there are different ways to say things. And doing it on her birthday is unforgivable.

[Ilovetolurk]

At 17 children are often at that difficult stage of feeling a bit vulnerable about the future. They’re not sure of it because they’re waiting on results, last year of college, placement offers or trying to find a job

Absolutely

[louise5754]

It awful having a step family. I had a step dad at 18.
As soon as I was 16 my mum arranged a job interview. Whilst at collage Monday-Friday I worked 8.45-6 Saturday and 10.50-5.20 Sunday for 3 years. I hated it. Although that's down to my mental health. Hardly anyone else on my course worked. They all went out Friday and Saturday nights and I didn't as I knew I had to work. I still think about it 19 years later especially when my brother only worked 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

Sorry not helpful to you 🙈

[stuffedpeppers]

Hopefully your EX has enough bollocks to not resist the demands of his DP to cut your DD out. My niece is 17 and is all over the place about the future - she is v sensible but the fear of the unknown and the loss of family security are quite overwhelming at times. LEts wait for the DP to now say she does not have to come and see Dad anymore!

Wrong time, wrong place and the apology is too little too late, the damage is done.

[TheVanguardSix]

What a miserable woman she sounds.
You do NOT have to disassociate yourself from anything, OP. 'Not my monkeys. Not my circus' doesn't really apply here. This is your beloved DD who won't be dealing well with any advice from her dad's current GF, considering this woman represents the catalyst that drove the family apart. While there's nothing to be done about what comes out of this woman's mouth, your DD can and will learn to shrug off such comments.

There are times when advice like this is well-intended. This is clearly not one of those times.
Happy birthday to your DD, by the way!

[hsegfiugseskufh]

It awful having a step family

No. you found it awful.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

The thing is it is her business. If your ex and her live together she probably does have a say in it and if shes said theyre going to "cut her off" at 18 my bet is thats what theyve decided but your ex doesnt have the balls to say it.

She shouldn't have raised it at her bday, he should have at an appropriate time, but saying its none of her business is very naive.

[swingofthings]

As always, it all depends on the tome it was said. A lot more is communicated in the way we say things rsther than the words used. So it could have been said light-heartedly in good spirit but your DD is particularly succeptible and took it as an attack, or it could be that her SM has a bee in her bonnet and was trying to convey that she thinks she has high expectancies of her dad paying for everything and she indeed mea t to upset her.

Most likely it fell somewhere in between, hence the apology.