Am I being unreasonable?

[Majella20]

Morning everyone!
 
I am looking for some help and advice here.
 
I am pregnant with my first baby with my boyfriend who has a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship.  Cut a very long story short he has had problems with visitation and unfortunately the relationship he has with the mother of SD is not very good at all. Since we have been together he has had regular contact  and everyone has stuck to the dates and times that have been agreed which is great as SD now knows when she will be seeing her Dad.
 
SD is a really lovely little girl however she doesn’t have any form of routine at home or with us – my partner suffers from Daddy guilt I think and just lets her do whatever she wants eg up at 11pmm_ at night all hyper active and jumping around because all she eats is ‘snacks’. I have brought up the topic of establishing a routine but as her mother I can enforce that if you know what I mean.
 
This morning my boyfriend and I were talking about what will happen when baby arrives and I asked if there was a possibility that when we had SD for the first time after the birth if she could not stay the night – so we still have her all through the day but at night time she sleeps at home.  My reasoning behind it is that I am a first time mum I have so much to learn, I don’t know how I am going to feel and I just want to make sure I am doing the best for everyone involved and that I can rest at night – with her having no bed time I just don’t want her jumping around and disturbing me and baby when she should be asleep! He has not taking it well, he is ignoring me now and stormed out of the house.  He saw it as me saying that she can’t come over at all and he can’t see her but that is not what I meant by that at all. 
 
Any one else in a similar situation or have first hand experience they can share? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Will it be ok having the baby and SD there after the birth?
 
Thank you!
 
Ps I do know babies come whenever they want and she might no be with us when I give birth and it might not be our turn to have her but I just want to get these things planned out.  
 

[twig1234]

Hi, it is a difficult one as I think she should be able to stay the night as she normally would. I do understand your concern though. Your partner also sounds quite immature with his behaviour. You both should be able to have a conversation without dramatics from him.
Just ask that when she does stay overnight with baby that he steps up and creates a good night time routine. I know these conversations are easier said than done though.

[ItStartedWithAKiss241]

The problem isn’t your step-daughter staying over night. Of course she should stay overnight. Unless it’s the first day 3 nights after birth. The real problem is that your husband is Disney-Dad-ing his little girl and I completely understand why he does! This does need to change tho.
How long do you have before baby comes? Could you used this time to establish a better routine? Even if you can’t get her to sleep at a reasonable time, you could focus on getting her to stay in bed with a movie and the iPad? X

[Majella20]

@twig1234 thanks for the comment. I really appreciate your insight - for me this is all new and I am just I suppose being over cautious because I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing for our baby and also SD.

For me, it is about will she understand that she can't pick baby up and be loud and wrestle. I don't want her first experience being all like you can't do this, don't do that if you know what I mean.

I completely agree he needs to grow up! When he acts like this rightly or wrongly I worry that he is just concerned about himself and SD and where will our baby for in. Probably me being a bit crazy but I can't help it!

[Majella20]

@ItStartedWithAKiss241 your comment is so helpful. I am not saying she shouldn't stay but my concern was if it was really early on you know a within the first few days I don't know what to expect but I know it would be easier without a 5 year old jumping around at 11pm.

I don't want her not staying it was just intially I feel like I should be given some space to get to know what I need to do. She will be so exited and wanting to get involved but I feel like I should have some time to get to know what I should do - does that make sense?

We have 5 months, maybe I am thinking too far ahead, and I have broached the subject of establishing a routine but it hasn't happened and last time he didn't take it well and said I was trying to tell him out to parent etc

[Drum2018]

You need to explain to your boyfriend that his dd needs to keep to her established bed time routine when she is at your house. Find out what time she normally goes to bed at her mums house and implement the same time at yours. If i was her mother and she was coming home wrecked everytime she stays with you and dp, I'd be annoyed. He needs to cop on and realise that she is a very young child who needs her proper sleep, not a playmate for him. As for not wanting her there for the night when baby arrives, YABU. She's part of your family and you can't very well push her aside now. Establish a bedtime routine asap so that when baby arrives she knows whats expected of her - bed at a reasonable hour (8pm) and to stay in bed for the night.

[twig1234]

Hi majella, you will be totally fine. Emotions are always heightened with children so hopefully everything will settle down with your partner. My children were introduced to their new brother (my ex husbands child) and they did stay over as normal. I think they would have felt pushed out otherwise. However they are fine at bedtime etc and this is important. I totally understand your worries as you all need rest when you can get it. Xx

[Magda72]

Hi @Majella20 - my kids also stayed overnight at their dads when their new sibling was just home from hospital but as @twig1234 also said, my kids have always gone to bed at a reasonable hour & would be very perceptive to what their dad & their sm would tell them to do.
Your issue here is you have a non receptive partner who is hanging out with his dd but not parenting her & to that end I can fully understand your concerns. You need to find someway of having a conversation with him whereby he takes on board that in 5 months time you will all be a family unit & everyone is going to have to pull together.
Tbh he sounds extremely immature & I would worry that you are going to be constantly massaging his ego post argument as he doesn't seem to be able to discuss anything without taking offense.

[blackcat86]

I do think SD should stay but with the option for her to go home if she wants to. DSS had images of helping with baby (he was 14) but when he actually stayed the first time once DD was here he realised just how often she would wake up and he was feeling tired and grumpy. Also your partner is using emotional blackmail. He knows full well that you werent say he could never see SD. Hes playing up the drama so you'll be apologetic and he can then dictate whatever. He needs to step up as hes about to have 2 young kids.

[Spanglyprincess1]

Yanbu and anyone who says otherwise has never been a first time momb with step children.
I had the stepchildren for 4 nights the day I got home from hospital. I'd had a lot of surgery and was a first time parent. It was far too overwhelming and scary. If I had my time again, I'd 100% want them to meet ehir brother and come to the hospital or home but not overnights. The baby was hard work, constant feeding and exhaustion etc.
I think ybu if you don't wnat her to meet her sibling first as that's not fair but lots of biological parents when siblings are born send the older child to be with grandparents etc to stop routines being interrupted.
Could dp parents have her for the overnight? And it be a fun nice thing for her to do and explain how special she is but the bbay will interrupt her sleep and needs a rest.
Your dp is being very childish not dealing with your concerns

[ChicCroissant]

YABU if you expected your partner - having fought to get access to his daughter - to tell her she can't stay over!

If you are worried about her bedtime routine, tackle that - but don't say she can't stay over after the new baby arrives. If it all goes pear-shaped the first time, that may be a big motivation to sort things out!

You see so many of these threads on MN

[Beamur]

I think your problem is your partner is pretty immature. Although understandable in the circumstances, good parenting isn't necessarily giving your child what they want, but what they need.
SD needs what every child needs, kindness, consistently and a bit of routine. Hyper usually means overtired. Not full of energy (despite how it appears).
You don't have to follow the same patterns as she is used to with her Mum, you can have your own, kids are perfectly able to do this.
A better structured home life will help too when the baby arrives.
As a step parent myself (and been in the situation of introducing a new baby)my advice is to keep to your usual routine. Don't rearrange care of your SD around the baby, just carry on as if you are just one family. Which you are. Only rearrange SD if it's in her best interests - not yours. Your baby will be fine either way.
Having a baby brought our family together. But handled poorly can be hard for any stepchildren as they can easily be made to feel insecure or 'part time'
Good luck!

[MogwaiLove]

This might be a daft idea, forgive me if so..

Could you get a baby doll, crib and supplies and tell her you are practicing for when her baby sister/brother arrives? So role play of changing nappies, breast/bottle feeding, hold baby gently, baby sleep times are quiet time etc.

Just little short play sessions to see how she reacts?

Good luck OP, I hope it all works out and that DSD can become a happy big sister.

P.S. might be helpful for your DP too to realise what is coming!

[Majella20]

So now he has said if she is with us when I go into labour then she is coming to the hospital. Honestly I am really unhappy and uncomfortable with that - I didn't think other siblings went to the hospital?!

[Majella20]

@Drum2018 I'm starting to understand more and more that he is the problem not her and it's her lack of routine. The problem is she doesn't have one at home either.

[Majella20]

@twig1234 thank you! Really appreciate your comments

[Majella20]

@Magda72 thank you for your comments - I know I am starting to get concerned.

[Majella20]

@blackcat86 thank you for your comment. I mean to be honest I didn't think that she might not want to stay. Everything is so confusing and up in the air if you know what I mean

[Majella20]

@Spanglyprincess1 I completely agree and don't not want her there just asked if she could stay overnight with her mum? It's two nights out of the year.

I don't know what YABU means I am afraid??

His parents live abroad and now he is saying he wants her to come to the hospital.

[Majella20]

@ChicCroissant I am not saying I never want her to stay over just not over the first few nights at home. He wants her to come to the hospital now if we have her as well which I don't want at all.

SD is the big sister I'm excited for their bond I just want some tome to know what I am doing first

[Majella20]

@Beamur thank you for your comments. It's some good advice and you're right the problem is there is no routine for her at all and it worries me.

[Majella20]

@MogwaiLove that's a great idea and I had already thought about getting her things when I do - like we both get a Pram at the same time so she isn't left out xxx

[DaisiesAreOurSilver]

The hospital won't let her be there, explain that to him very loudly.

Also tell him if he doesn't establish a routine with DSS you don't want her there at all and he'll have to move out and take her with him.

He's a controlling shit, OP. Take back control.

[Majella20]

@DaisiesAreOurSilver is that right hospitals don't let children in?

I think you're right - its not right or healthy fo anyone!

[NellWilsonsWhiteHair]

Sympathies, it sounds like you’re in a really difficult position - as everyone has acknowledged, the problem is not your stepdaughter, it’s your partner’s (understandable, but not acceptable) reluctance to parent her!

FWIW I don’t have step children but I do have a similar age gap between my two. I think you’re totally right to be thinking about this now, while you have time to get settled in to a proper bedtime routine without it being all about the baby (whether excited or not, DSD must on some level be worried about being displaced by the baby, so really important to avoid exacerbating that). Must be much harder managing this if the routine isn’t replicated when she goes back to her mum’s, but I do know families who manage a solid routine in one home even when it’s not backed up in the other - seems tougher but doable, from a spectator’s perspective.

I don’t think it’s fair to ask that DSD doesn’t stay over when the baby arrives though. I bet it’s a massive extra stress (as it is for any family around the birth of a subsequent child, even when there’s no ‘ftm’ anxiety involved) but it honestly will be just fine. FWIW I think in those early days and nights there actually is no routine and everyone stays up late (my DC1 fondly remembers the weekend DC2 was born because “I got so much screen time” 🤦🏼‍♀️). Tbh in my (single parent by choice) home it was DC1 who got shafted for months at bedtime as the baby wailed and breastfed right through his bathtime, bedtime story, and the time he was going to sleep - at that age I was still staying with him while he went to sleep and it was a mad juggle trying to keep the baby fairly quiet as I fed and rocked her in his bedroom. DC1 is no angel child and has disturbed her naps more times than I can count but he was not the child who had me pulling out my hair in the evenings! All babies are different etc but I think it’s an unusual household with a young baby who has a restful evening.

That said I would expect DP to be 100% stepping up for the first few weeks and doing full care of DSD (plus all housework) so that you can basically float around clutching your newborn and sleeping when you can, day or night.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and all best wishes for the months ahead.

[Majella20]

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair thank you for your input and your insight! I am now completely at a cross roads as he has said that if she is with us when I go into labour she will be coming to the hospital which I am not having - I don't need that as well.

To be honest I think this will be the make or break for us.