Ex wife problems

(77 Posts)
Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 08:39:47

In my last post complicated advice needed i have explained that I have chosen to ask him to rent a room locally for the time being and to prove himself with regards to money. (Needing some advice on that post about csa) but I am feeling so run down and depressed with everything that I think we need it to be this way so I am only relying on myself and he can actually step up. Anyways my sister for my birthday bought me and my partner a overnight stay at Thorpe Park and is having my eldest for us whilst she arranged for my partners/ex partner (not really sure what we are,)mum to have my youngest son for us. She handed it to me as a surprise after I made the decision I wanted him to move into a room somewhere. I have decided I think it will be good for us to go together, it'll be fun and have some time alone and we can really talk about things too. However this is where the problem comes into it. We have arranged to drop him off to MIL at 10am next Friday and then drive the two hours from hers to Thorpe Park, have our day at Thorpe Park and check into hotel, then Saturday use our second day at Thorpe Park, get to hers for 5.30 and then make the two hour journey back to my house as we have got to collect my eldest son by 8. This was all fine as my partner is due to see the girls this Friday. His ex wife asked the MIl if she could help her out and have the girls next Friday and she explained she couldn't because she has got our son. The ex wife is now kicking off to my partner as we won't be seeing the girls when we come up and dropping our son of, but they will be in school. And if we were leaving our son with her and she lived closer it wouldn't be a issue. He's now trying to say thy maybe we should just miss out the first day at Thorpe Park to keep her happy but am I being unreasonable to think that we shouldn't have to miss it out when it's not our weekend to see them, and it would waste a day of the gift my sister has given. What would you say to him? He doesn't want us to miss the day but she is just keeping on sad

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T2705 Wed 19-Sep-18 10:53:07

Sorry, can you clarify if I have I got this right?

Regardless of the other issues, You have arranged a day/night out on a weekend that is NOT his contact weekend and his ex is kicking off because you are dropping your youngest to his grandmother (your partners mum) because its in the same town and you wont' be seeing his children because they are in school?!

What exactly is her problem? On a normal Friday that is not a contact weekend would he usually see his girls? I assume this is just sour grapes as the grandmother can't babysit for her? I don't think you should miss your first day, I think its a fairly safe assumption that this is something that you rarely get to do, he needs to tell her its nothing to do with her and you need to go and enjoy yourselves.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 12:02:03

@T2705 yes that's right. They live two hours away from us. And we are seeing them this weekend as it's our weekend. And next weekend should be our weekend not seeing them. My sister has done it as a birthday present for me as we never get time without the kids living with us due to finances and work etc and she has gone to so much effort.

I am just a little miffed as he knows that things need to change if he is to be able to move back in, he needs to start being responsible with money and for having the means to see his girls etc, I have said
I will still drive him there but he had to budget and pay the fuel etc. But also him standing Upto thenex wife also needs to be done. Suppose he feels in a catch 22 and she knows what words to say to make him feel guilty; thank you though nice to no I don't sound unreasonable. It's not like it's on their contact weekend x

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Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 12:03:25

@T2705 her arguement is that if he is passing through their home town he should make every effort to suit the plans around her and the girls because he would rarely be able to do Extra weekends with them due to travelling. We are purely on there to drop our son off though

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sue51 Wed 19-Sep-18 13:04:59

I think your ex has messed his daughters around so much, it would be better to spend a day with the girls while he is in their neighbourhood. He has much to make up for and Thorpe park can wait.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 14:02:02

@sue51 he wouldn't be in the neighbourhood though if any of my family are able to have both boys not just one. I don't think my sister when she booked it all even thought it would have been w issue. The ex wife has only found out since she wanted his mum to babysit hers. Since I got the agreement sorted for them he has visited every other Friday as planned, had them that week in August. He has been ringing them every other evening. He has been consistent: obviously we will now see living seperatley if that continues. I just feel she is being very unfair that my sisters money for the first day would go to so much waste and it's also not fair on me when it's time away i really need.

If I told him he couldn't go then our son wouldn't be going to the nans anyways so he wouldn't even be in the neighbourhood town. He has more than made up for his past mistakes. It just seems for the ex wife it's becoming a issue because she wqnt d w babysitter and because we are 'off gallivanting at Thorpe Park whilst only paying csa' when explained it is actually a gift not only bybus but also the MIl explained to her (originally MIL was going to get train down to have our son but due to commitments the Sunday she can't.) she still doesn't understand we haven't paid. I can't help if I have family who do the things they do for each other. My sister has bought my youngest sister a laptop we are just a family who will help each other.

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T2705 Wed 19-Sep-18 14:50:11

There is obviously lots of other history here which I'm unaware of but in relation to this particular occasion, can you not call in and see them Saturday evening when you are in the area collecting your son?

Maybe Im being dense but it all seems like a bit of a non issue? You're in the area Friday morning, they're at school so you obviously can't see them. You are also however in the area Saturday and you could see them so just do that?


lunar1 Wed 19-Sep-18 14:56:40

Your family buy you an extraordinary amount of trips!

Your partner is and has been such a deadbeat dad for so long, any time he has should be going towards making amends to his children, not fucking off to thorp park for a weekend.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 15:17:51

@T2705 we have to pick up our son at 5.30 as that's when she will be back with him as she's taking him out for the day, and we have to leave by 6 to be back in time to
Collect my eldest at 8. We could pop by and say hi but it would be only for 5 minutes and they will get upset when he leaves, just saves the heart ache and stress for their mum over the sake of 5 minutes.

@lunar1 Thorpe Park isn't exactly w holiday, but there is nowhere around here with parks like it and she didn't want me
Driving all the miles in one day. This was a surprise birthday gift, she wanted me to have something fun. And as I said she has just bought my other sister a laptop. It's not my fault my family are thoughtful. And yes ok my mum bought our holiday next year but that was with money she gifted me to spend on whatever I wanted. I choose a holiday for my boys. So your saying that even if he was the worlds best Dad he shouldn't be entitled to do something for himself. He has made plenty of amends, Christ he has spent triple on them for their birthdays than we have the boys, he has spent w fortune on their school fayres in the summer, taking them to the local fayre this Friday. Every weekend he's been up has Given into everything she wants food wise when she was out, we have had them for the weel and did things with them, he rings them every other night as they didn't like every night as didn't have enough to talk about, and has been up for all the Fridays and more when he has to
Go up extra for sports days. The only thing he didn't change was he hasn't booked a holiday with them but they aren't the be all and end all of Their relationship. And who knows now he is living in a. House share for a while he may be able to realise how he budgets and put some aside, but he will also realise costs of things. He may have not be consistent in his visits for a while but ever since end of June he has been and gone above and beyond.

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lunar1 Wed 19-Sep-18 15:24:33

You do realise that the end of June is less than 12 weeks don't you?

So no actually, I don't think at this point he is entitled to something for himself. He has enough of all that while he was buying himself treats at the expense of maintenance and visits.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 15:29:03

He's always paid maintenance just doesn't pay her double like he was in the beginning, he pays in line with csa. And since January at least when it was set up the payments have come straight out my account as all wages went into my account. Yes he missed 2 visits, but since then he has made up for it massively with different things. He's not a shit dad for only paying the csa amount, because he is at least contributing. It's one weekend, and actually ultimate the weekend is for me not for him. If he didn't go then he would only be stuck in his house share with our son so I would still be going, then he wouldn't be seeing them. Wish his mum stuck
To the original plan and had him at my house .

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lifeinpieces123 Wed 19-Sep-18 15:33:45

It's not his weekend, it's none of his ex's business what you guys do. If he can't even handle that, forget about him and go with your sister (or any other friend you fancy spend some time with)!

happyhippo150 Wed 19-Sep-18 16:04:25

The back story is irrelevant, it's not his contact weekend so therefore it's not the ex's business.

The OP would be getting roasted this was the other way about (eg. it WAS his contact weekend and he wanted to send them to grannies but couldn't because she was already babysitting for mum etc) then was whining about it.

lunar1 Wed 19-Sep-18 16:07:43

The back story on this one sadly is not irrelevant. Take someone else with you, he can look after your joint child and not upset his other children of all the fun he's having without them.

He might let you down at the last minute anyway by pretending to have an injury so you'd be bette off asking someone else.

happyhippo150 Wed 19-Sep-18 16:32:49

Presumably his other children wouldn't know what their dad was doing on the weekend they weren't due to spend with him anyway so how would they know where he was?

I don't know the full story, but in this situation I agree with the OP. It's not Dads weekend and they've made plans accordingly.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 16:43:18

We wouldn't tell them where we are going, but on the other hand none of the kids would be going as the two boys aren't going either so it's not like any of them are being treated differently.

It's not our weekend to have them or see them, it's just unfortunate his mum couldn't have our son at our house as this wouldn't even be happening. Although I'm sure she would still complain we are going and because she wants a increase in maintenance. Problem was we paid her more than csa, she went csa thinking that she would get more and gets less. She has now asked him to cancel csa and go back
To the old agreement but that will just be a can of worms.

Thank you for all your inputs. @lunar1 I am not saying that he hasn't had his moments of being a bit crap, but all I am
Saying is he really has made a change and has done a lot to make up for the two times he didn't visit. He's always paid maintenance, just hasn't visited twice. And the only other negative was yes he doesn't take them on holiday but I have known a lot of families that don't take step kids for reasons, ours is purely financial. He has stopped his gambling, and spends less on PlayStation and coke so actually he has really tried and it's meant he has put a little aside for Christmas foe them.

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lunar1 Wed 19-Sep-18 16:56:38

Do you realise how you sound? A grown man stopping drinking fizzy pop as much and cutting down on games so his children can have Christmas gifts doesn't make him a great dad.

I have read your previous threads, there are so many more issues than two missed visits. The children's Mum has put up with a lot, he's a long way to go before he's anywhere close to redemption.

scammedohshit Wed 19-Sep-18 16:57:56

Coke as in pop or cocaine?

SummerGems Wed 19-Sep-18 17:03:02

Hang on am I missing something? Not his weekend? Is someone only a parent on their weekend then?

This is a man who according to others was uninvolved with his children even to the point of not seeing them and has only stepped up in the past three months, and the OP think he deserves something for himself? Err no I don’t think so.

And I’m guessing he was the one who moved away from his existing children to start a new family with the OP - a new family which is now taking precedence over his other children to the point his other children’s grandmother is unable to look after them because she’s looking after his new child.

Yep, if I were the ex of someone who has only started giving a shit about his kids in the past twelve weeks and he was then passing through town to drop his new child with his mum meaning his other kids couldn’t be looked after by her I’d be a bit pissed off as well.

And let’s be honest here OP, you’ve thrown him out so you know he’s not perfect. Stop kidding yourself that he’s father of the year - that’ll be your child he’s excluding before too long....

Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 17:04:06

No his kids would have still had Christmas presents, probably worded thag wrong just meant what he has physically saved drinking less fozzy (not cocaine) he has been able to save more aside for presents than he would have by now. I personally only want to spend £150 each on the kids so have been putting it aside but for the girls he wants to be spending more as their presents aren't as cheap and he's not happy to not give them as many presents. I said that Id the £150 I was putting aside each wasn't good enough then to cut down so he could save even more. That's what I meant. Sorry should have worded it better

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Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 17:20:02

@SummerGems it was two weekends he didn't see them. Before Christmas they stayed EOW then the ex stopped it, mainly as she got more csa. So since then he got the train up every Other Saturday until my maternity ended April 20th. Since then he got the train bug would have to take our baby with him, so he missed out two weekends.

If it's not his mum having her kids the weekends that it isn't my partners visits it's her mum, so she can go out. Every other weekend she goes out with her partner whilst the kids are left with someone. My partners mum has had them a lot this year. We are asking her for one overnight! Then she worn again for this year I imagine.

Yes he moved but thag was for work, I didn't know him until he moved down here. It's one weekend off for us both as if he doesn't have th girls he has the boys.

The only reason I have asked him to move out is so he can learn to appreciates the cost of things, and everything I have done.

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TwistedStitch Wed 19-Sep-18 17:29:09

It isn't just a couple of weekends though is it? He chose to move away from them and when you met him he hadn't bothered seeing them for months. Then he faked injury to avoid a visit. You have previously stated that you don't believe he would make the effort if you weren't pushing him and are even considering living apart so that he has to buck his ideas up.

There is always a drama about petty stuff like snack drawers, meals out, holidays etc when really the biggest issue is the fact that your boyfriend is a useless lazy parent.

Oswin Wed 19-Sep-18 17:30:29

Erm only missed two weekends because of having the baby? Well that's a lie. He faked a leg injury remember.
And don't forgot the months he went without seeing them when you got with him.

This waste was spending more on fizzy pop then he pays for his kids.

It's obvious you taking him the theme park is you trying to hold on so he doesn't give up on your boy too.

TwistedStitch Wed 19-Sep-18 17:31:14

Also the sleeping arrangements for his girls were completely untenable so I'm not surprised his ex stopped overnight contact at one point.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 19-Sep-18 17:35:28

When he first moved down hyes he didn't see them but then from end of November 2016-December 2017 we had them stayed every other weekend. A lot of NRP only have EOW. My eldest son only sees his dad one day a week. I have seen a real change in him though since end of June when he eldest daughter said she wasn't surprised he couldn't do her cubs camp trip (he was working and couldn't get the time) I think the comment though made him realise. For me having him live away means that I don't have to rely on him financially and I am better or
For the boys at the moment and can sort some debts as I am only focusing on me and the boys. In al honesty though if it was any other parent or you and your husbands and the ex wife's where kicking of
About it what would you all say her and do?

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