Ex wife problems

[Stepparentchallenges]

In my last post complicated advice needed i have explained that I have chosen to ask him to rent a room locally for the time being and to prove himself with regards to money. (Needing some advice on that post about csa) but I am feeling so run down and depressed with everything that I think we need it to be this way so I am only relying on myself and he can actually step up. Anyways my sister for my birthday bought me and my partner a overnight stay at Thorpe Park and is having my eldest for us whilst she arranged for my partners/ex partner (not really sure what we are,)mum to have my youngest son for us. She handed it to me as a surprise after I made the decision I wanted him to move into a room somewhere. I have decided I think it will be good for us to go together, it'll be fun and have some time alone and we can really talk about things too. However this is where the problem comes into it. We have arranged to drop him off to MIL at 10am next Friday and then drive the two hours from hers to Thorpe Park, have our day at Thorpe Park and check into hotel, then Saturday use our second day at Thorpe Park, get to hers for 5.30 and then make the two hour journey back to my house as we have got to collect my eldest son by 8. This was all fine as my partner is due to see the girls this Friday. His ex wife asked the MIl if she could help her out and have the girls next Friday and she explained she couldn't because she has got our son. The ex wife is now kicking off to my partner as we won't be seeing the girls when we come up and dropping our son of, but they will be in school. And if we were leaving our son with her and she lived closer it wouldn't be a issue. He's now trying to say thy maybe we should just miss out the first day at Thorpe Park to keep her happy but am I being unreasonable to think that we shouldn't have to miss it out when it's not our weekend to see them, and it would waste a day of the gift my sister has given. What would you say to him? He doesn't want us to miss the day but she is just keeping on :(

[Stepparentchallenges]

@TwistedStitch sleeping arrangements only changed and they didn't have a bedroom after their mum stopped overnights. She stopped overnights the December 2017 and we moved house this April 2018. We use to have 4 bedrooms in the older house so they had their own room but unfortunately we had to move. Then had my sons bedroom when down with ready beds so the
Sleep arrangements where fine. She dropped overnights as she would get more in csa and because at Christmas we did have a falling out

[fontofnoknowledge]

Is there a court order OP ?

[TwistedStitch]

So the whole castle bed/ daughter sleeping on the landing in what looked like a cupboard debacle didn't happen then?

[SummerGems]

You made him move out so he would learn the value of things? What is he - twelve?

[SummerGems]

As an aside what bullshit did he give you about why he wasn’t seeing his children before he actually saw them for a year or so?

[WhoWants2Know]

Let him go see his girls on the train. Take someone else.

[sue51]

So now he is not living with you and your dc, his maintenance for his daughters should go up. Has he informed cms that he no longer lives with you?

[Stepparentchallenges]

@sue51 from what I gather he hasn't as he is very worried that if he does and she knows we libe seperatley it's going to cause issues when he wants them to stay overnight at Christmas and that. When she said in the summer they could stay she said if we ever split again then they would never be allowed to stay. I don't want that for him. Instead what he was planning on doing was to increase the csa he pays her to the amount csa said he should pay before adding the boys into account: so she will get what she's entitled too. And I have said I don't want any maintenance as I don't need it and to use it towards the girls. However I am not sure if HMRC would report to the csa he doesn't like with me and then fine him. Whatever he do at this moment will be wrong, if he tells them it ruins his chances of overnights in future, if he doesn't tell them and just pays her extra each month then would he get in trouble. I am leaving it to him as it's his financial affairs not mine.

@WhoWants2Know if he didn't come Thorpe Park he will be staying down here with our son, it's not his weekend to go up and have them or see them.


The castle bed is irrelevant, whether my son has a castle shaped bed, a car shape bed or w standard bed really doesnt matter when it was my money that paid for it. It was one of these that you eee in Facebook being advertised but I bought it second hand cheaper. They wanted to sleep on the side room next to landing and make their own but we refused which caused a debate and they had my sons room and we moved him
In his cot in with us for the week, much to his hatred and he didn't sleep great.

[youbrokemytwatometer]

Can I ask how he is planning to get away with not telling his ex that you have split?

[Stepparentchallenges]

@youbrokemytwatometer

He will be renting a room locally, and is only allowed to have his girls to stay at Christmas and summer holidays. I have agreed with him whilst working things out that asking as he pays fuel I will still take him up Fridays to see them as then our son can see them and also our son can see his grandparents and auntie and uncles. There is no reason for the ex to know as he isn't being allowed to have them overnight anyways. And by Christmas I will know whether I want him to move back or for us to stay apart.

[youbrokemytwatometer]

Oh yes, I forgot he's "not allowed" and can't be arsed to fight that.

[MadameButterface]

There is always a drama about petty stuff like snack drawers, meals out, holidays etc when really the biggest issue is the fact that your boyfriend is a useless lazy parent.

this

you need to detach and let him show you what sort of parent he is to all his children without you pushing and prodding at him and telling how to adult and sorting his life out for him and letting your family buy him holidays

[MadameButterface]

then you will know for sure whether you have a future together

no one on here can tell you anything, you take zero notice of anything anyone on here says anyway

[HeckyPeck]

forget about him and go with your sister (or any other friend you fancy spend some time with)!

This. Because he is shit.

He preferred fizzy pop to his own kids. That’s seriously fucking shit!

[Stepparentchallenges]

It's not that I take no notice to advice, as there has been plenty that has helped me change a few things. My question was for on advice with dealing with the ex wife and whether I am unreasonable to actually be selfish for a change and not think of any of the kids and enjoy my weekend. Everything I do is revolves around the kids. One weekend is revolves around seeing the girls and the other around the boys. I am not one of these parents who will go out weekends, drinking etc and leave my kids with anyone. But is it so wrong to want to be selfish and choose him to be the one to come with me. Regardless of what he has or hasn't done it's still my decision to take him. I just want some time where we can have fun again and also talk about everything so that he can really understand my feelings. Plus it's a big of w shit thing for me to suddenly say he now can't go when we have both been saying for months how we were dying to go.

Him moving out will show how he is the one to be responsible for maintaining relationship, and maybe I need to take innthe advice given that I take a step back and make him get the train up etc. I only suggested that I would still drive him up but he had to pay me fuel as I thought it was still him proving to me how he is being responsiabke for it because no money =no fuel = no visit. But maybe it is still me helping him out. I suppose also it meant if I drove up I could see how responsible he was with spending money there etc if he starts to realise I wasn't some monster not allowing his daughter to have all her upgrades etc but when on a budget (especially now paying for his bills in this house share) that sometimes he has to not just give in for the fear of a tantrum. You could so how shocked he was the other day when she went to pick what she wanted on th self checkout and she went for the most expensive signature burger large , plus a ice drink it was coming out just over £9. Before everyone else's. I know he has asked his mum from November can she cook them tea when he visits as she won't be working then.
Christmas presents this year he is to sort out the girls and his family. And I will do my family, boys and also I still buy for my ex husbands as they do for all of us. If he doesn't budget and keep it back then it's his issue not mine and again a way of him being responsible as I won't have any money aside ready to correct it if he doesn't. Harsh maybe but he has to physically think how his girls will feel if he doesn't get anything and I'm sure that will be enough.

Again holiday next year if anyone is to blame it's me really my family have given me the money and I choose to add him on, to make it more of a holiday for me as he will be there helping with the kids so I can also relax a little on holiday. So yes maybe I was selfish that I added him into my holiday but surely everyone is entitled to be slightly selfish.

I am going to tell him to tell the ex wife about us living apart for a while, as I woke up to a abusibe message this morning of her. I put w status on Facebook about how I had taken my son to a local attraction and now just booking to take my son back to peppa Pig world for achieving a big milestone. She has ranted and raved in this group message to us about the girls being left out of not only peppa Pig world again but all treats and holidays, she is demanding he cuts short his Thorpe Park trip or he isn't to go and see them today. When actually he isn't coming to peppa Pig world it is just me and my son going with my mum, I haven't even asked him to Go.

[lunar1]

Your actually just a nasty person and are gaslighting the ex.

The pair of you leave his children out of everything. Holidays, trips, but them unbranded foods while your sons special snacks are hidden, you let them sleep on the landing and the list goes on and on. What do you expect her to think?

There is always a ridiculous convoluted reason why his children can't be included.

Why post about peppa pig world where she can see it, or at all? You are deliberately inflaming a horrible situation. I wonder if you have any redeeming qualities.

[Stepparentchallenges]

@lunar1 My pages and posts are private. She apparently was informed by someone on our joint friend list so I will be removing people of it today. I didn't tag him in jr (although they are not friends) and he isn't even coming, he isn't paying towards it nothing. We are now seperate households what I choose to do is seperate from him now. I should be allowed to post what I want without the fear of people reporting back to her as it's actually very sad.

This time when they came down and visited they both had identical snack drawers, I didn't buy anything different for my son on his. They had exactly the same drawers each. Each girl having their own.

They never slept on the landing, blown out of
Proportion we have w room next to our landing they wanted but they didn't have it they had my sons room!

We didn't plenty of trips with them when they came down! But on the other hand my boys are the resident kids and as in all families sometimes it happens that different day trips are done.

The holiday next year yes is my fault for being slightly selfish that after all the driving I so for him, the hours I work, everything else that I wanted to have someone to help me with the kids so I can enjoy it. All my friends have kids so can't come and my mum works in a school and we are going out of
Term time. The holiday abroad two years ago the girls wouldn't have come as I hadn't
Known them that long and it was a holiday I had already pre booked before we even knew each other and started our relationship, he took the adult ticket I bought for my son and my son then got the kids free place as there was two adults.

We have already said we were looking for end of next year to book a Butlins break with all the kids.

Thorpe Park no kids are going so it's not like any are being treated differently, and tonight we are meant to be taking them to the fayre when we see them so that will cost a fortune anyways so They are still getting money spent on them.

[rainingcatsanddog]

I personally think that you keep posting because you want us to reply how awful the ex is and how you and your ex (?) partner have been shafted by his ex.

Why can the ex read your social media? Block her or stop posting about the constant outings if you want a quiet life. I suspect you enjoy the drama hence posting in here and social media. Normal person would think ex gets pissed off reading my social media and take steps to avoid that.

You and your ex(?) p had financial problems (couldn't afford 2 pairs of school shoes for instance) but the kids seem to have constant toys, outings to amusement parks,

You are obviously enabling his crapness by picking him up. If this is a test of how good a father he is then it's pretty shit. You are spending your precious time providing him a door to door service 😂

[Stepparentchallenges]

@rainingcatsanddog she isn't on my social
Media and it is private so people can't see my posts. She was told by a joint friend on ojr Facebook.

We couldn't afford the shoes that week as our tax credits had been stopped whilst sorting their error, and we had spent a lot on the girls visiting. We last went peppa Pig world in June when I had a work bonus.

I can afford to take him back as our money is now seperate. Since living seperatley I have been able to clear own credit card, buy some Christmas presents and book peppa Pig world.


I'm not wanting people to say she is a bitch it's just nice having somewhere to rant. As I just think at times she is unreasonable, she is very selfish with her time without the girls and even when she has them so why can't we once that's all.

He is dealing with her at the moment so I am leaving him too it:

Maybe my logic behind driving him up buy he has to provide the fuel wasn't as good a way as showing me as I thought and I will make him get the train to visit them, and if his family want to see their grandson they can make the effort to visit him z

[lunar1]

The ex isn't selfish, she has an absolute asshole for an ex who treats his oldest two children shocking over a long period of time.

I love how quickly everything moves in your world, how has you separating even had an effect yet financially, it can't have even been two weeks!

[Stepparentchallenges]

@lunar1 I processedy tax credits claim 3 and a half weeks ago, and 2 weeks later they had updated my claim and I had my back payment through last week. As soon as it came through I cleared my credit card and bought the presents. Last night I booked peppa Pig world. He left 2 weeks ago but never paid anything towards the bills in his last week here so that he could get the deposit to rent w room. My housing updated quickly too. Being in my own I have got £450 a month spare. So a big difference.

Every weekend the girls are wither seeing us and then going to stay with their nan.. or they weekends rjwr is the mums weekend to have them they got to their nans or great nans so she can go out with her partner.
We only know this because the daughter has told us plus when he messages the ex to ring she says he can't they are at xyz. Which is stuff I told him to keep for court.

They were as bad as each other in their marriage, and she's apparently had the bailiffs at her door again recently for not paying one of her bills as my MIL was called to try and help along with her mum and neither could help her. What she does is down to her.

[rainingcatsanddog]

If you are a single parent then why you buying his dd outings and Xmas presents? That money is for you and your boys. It sounds like you are defrauding the tax payer by living separately but acting as a couple.

[Stepparentchallenges]

I'm not buying his daughters outings or Christmas presents.

I have bought my boys Christmas presents and my boys days out.

We lobe seperatley pay seperate bills, o spoke to tax credits and I am perfectly in my rights. He pays for all the days our with his daughter's and the fuel to see them plus food. It will be him that jr costs a fortune to go to the fayre not me.

Yes I bought the days out when they visited as then we claimed as a couple as he was living here. 31st August the claim and is living was changed. His girls visited the 17th-24th x

[Gazelda]

Are you a couple or are you single? You (and he) seem to want the best of both. Can't you see how he's a lazy shit, he's using you, you are putting him on a pedestal and in all likelihood confusing the hell out of all of the children. It sounds a huge mess, practically, emotionally and financially.

[Stepparentchallenges]

I haven't decided whether we are in a relationship still or not but know for now I need that space, which is what I am doing and have been told I can do.

Yes I drive him their EOW but I would do thar for friends if I got the fuel money like he is Paying. Next year holiday is on hold as to whether he will come depending on how it goes us being seperated for a while. But for now I want to get me and the boys back into w good place and to see that he can sort himself.