DP and My Son, My Daughter - issues - facing break up!

[dontwanttobeheremaryjane]

So I will try to keep this short but you may want a cuppa and biscuit before you start reading...

So been with DP for over a year, we live together with my DP (12) and DD (7) and his DD(6) eow. My kids regularly see their dad and all is OK with arrangements etc.

Problem is that me and DP don't tend to agree over parenting issues. If I leave DP and my kids for any length of time World War 785696 breaks out!

I know my kids have flaws, they argue back, they fight with each other, they spend too much time online, the don't do as much around the house as maybe they should but I seem to be able to handle them better when they do act up. I've given DP lots of tips and help and as bad behaviour is a daily thing he's seen how I deal or don't deal and yet when I'm not there he does things very differently which always results in my getting my DS on the phone crying and DP crying when I get home and me stuck in middle trying to sort it all out.

I've questioned leaving DP over it but issue we have is I am 26 weeks PG with our child. What a mess I know...

I know no family life is perfect, it's not all like the movies but this constant fighting that goes on with them 3 when I'm not there is making it so I don't want to leave them alone and that shouldn't be case either.

I've tried advising DP how and what I want doing if they act up....but he tends to go off on his own tact, which then also causes us to argue as I don't like some of the name calling and swearing he does and I am also super aware that soon my DS and DD will report back to their dad who will use it as excuse against me to have ago and I don't need that stress either.

Not really sure what anyone can do or suggest....
I know I need to be heavier with kids, make them do more, be more respectful but I also want to be able to leave them all for an extra hour without this level of stress and falling out and upset when I get home.
DP isnt very good at taking any form of advice or positive criticism and then we fall out. I'm not saying "my way is best" but I also won't have my children dealt with in certain ways.

Sorry just needed a rant and hopefully feel better later.....xx

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

I was in a similar position, the short of it is your dp isn't ready for the responsibility of your dc alone.
You need to respect that.
On the other hand if he is swearing at your dc due to lack of control /self control not sure I would be hanging around to see their relationship blossom tbh.

[dontwanttobeheremaryjane]

He has his own DD and when we are all together it's all fine......we "look" after them in balance.
I'm only talking about leaving him with them for maybe an hour or last night was 1.5 hours...and it all goes horribly wrong...

Just feel like giving up.....

What sort of relationship or family do we have if I can't leave him with them for an extra hour?!?

Do think he has got message about swearing and names now as I was super clear on that fact!

[swingofthings]

You might need to accept that until you can discuss and have plans in place to deal with your children's behaviour and how her responds to it leaving then under his care is just not an option.

[ErictheGuineaPig]

He swears at and calls your kids names? That's awful, surely it's a deal breaker? I'm not surprised their dad would take issue with it.

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

Hand on heart does he have any resentment towards your dc? My ex started resenting my dc when he realised he saw more of my dc than he did of his own. Men who don't live ft with their own dc often don't have much actual responsibility for the decision making for them , happy to let their dm shoulder it. Hoping he will cope with the responsibility of yours when he doesn't have to his own ft is a big ask.

[LunaTrap]

It all sounds too much too soon. I would separate personally, he can be involved with the new baby but I wouldn't subject my kids to this and if I was their other parent I would be very concerned and taking legal advice.

[loudaloneknows]

I expect the kids are feeling quite unsettled given how much change is going on, quite quickly - a new step sister and now a new half brother or sister on the way. He shouldn't be swearing at them. That sounds like he isn't in control of himself or the situation at all.

The kids might need lots of reassurance that you'll still have time for them once the baby arrives. I would focus on them and their needs and expect him, as the adult, to step up.

[dontwanttobeheremaryjane]

The name calling/swearing isn't massive deal.....maybe I didn't word that right, he swears about them, so would say to me stuff like" DS wouldn't fucking pick up etc" and the name calling is more like "stop acting like a spoilt brat" or "your being a twat"....it has been few and far between to be honest.......and I do think that will stop now as I have been super clear.

Maybe it's cos he doesn't have DD FT, he has massive issues and has been through lengthy court battles to have what little time he does have. He's not had any male role models and his relationship with his mother isn't good either.

I'm honestly talking about leaving them for like an hour....it's not like I'm asking him for a whole weekend and even said hour I check and check again he doesn't mind etc.......it just kids wind each other up and he doesn't handle it very well, not saying I do much better but I just hate the conflict and the fact I can't leave them and then I have to deal with all the fall out between them 3 and then me and him.

I don't want to separate over not being able to move forward on this especially with one on way...its just upsetting.

Kids used to do same with their dad, just think they didn't "report" back to me when I left them with their dad....whereas cos it's my parter they report back on him!

Otherwise they have great relationship with him, they really do and he does far more for them emotionally and physically than their dad does.

Just hard evening last night and trying to process it all.

[MsPavlichenko]

Really he is the problem. Even if your DC are misbehaving he is the adult. He seems gto have unrealistic expectations of them and no idea how and when to respond. Choose your battles an all that. And all in an hour or so when in fact you should be able to leave them for much longer if needed.

Name calling is an absolute no and a real red flag imo. Add a newborn into the mix and I suspect an escalaton.

I'd leave. He is treating your DC badly and you too.

[ErictheGuineaPig]

You're minimising. He calls your children twats and you're making excuses for him. I can see why he had to fight to have his own child to be honest. You're making out that it's 'world war' when they're left together as if he's a child and they are all on the same level. He's a grown up - your kids being hard work is one thing, him joining in with the yelling and bad behaviour is another.

[LunaTrap]

It's a shame their Dad is so crap then, they could really do with at least one adult taking steps to safeguard them. Hopefully they might confide in a teacher. I really can't understand that you think your young children being called brats and twats by your new boyfriend isn't a deal breaker.

[ErictheGuineaPig]

In your posting history you also talk about him cheating with you online. This bloke is an arsehole. Cut your losses now.

[ErictheGuineaPig]

On you sorry - not with you.

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

Why are your children living with someone you’ve known for a year??

Why do you need to live with him in order to date him?

[Luckyme2]

You and your childten started living with him very soon. And now they have a new baby coming in to the mix. It does seem to me that things have gone to quick and they didn't have a chance to properly get used to each other before you all moved in together

[DioneTheDiabolist]

The family circumstances have changed massively in a short period of time yet it seems like everyone is doing what they had done before and it is not working OP.

I think that you need to have a discussion with your DP about his roles and responsibilities as a step parent, and listen to what he has to say. Then talk to your children. Ask them what problems they are having. Tell them what your expectations of them are. Then back to your DP.

Once all the issues have been discussed you and he can go back to your DC with a clear plan for the future that you all agree on. I would also have weekly family meetings for a while to iron out any difficulties as they arise.

Good luck.

[dontwanttobeheremaryjane]

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo
I chose for him to move in when I did because we all wanted it.
I didn't need him to.
Who says how long you have to wait and why

@ErictheGuineaPig
Yes I have posted before about him and his online issues but this isn't anything to do with deal with my DC. The guy has had issues and we have worked through most of them. These issues are unrelated to issues with my DC.

I don't actually know why I post sometimes on here.
Not many actually offer any real advice or helpful suggestions other than "leave him, and deal with it" or blaming me for the choices I have made. None of this is helpful and at a time I'm not doing well.
Life isn't that black and white or full and final.

A few simple suggestions on how to help them all relate better and get along better, to know I wasn't the only one in this situation and someone has been here before and it gets better, was much of what I was after or a sympathetic ear of reassurance.
thank you @loudaloneknows @Aprilmightbemynewname for your helpful words. x

In short - I'm done MN....most of you just make me feel even worse and doesn't help the situation.

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

Who says how long you have to wait and why

Well, longer than you’ve waited and you’re thread is why.

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

Oh he cheats on you too?? Great.

Do yourself and, more importantly, your children a favour and just be single.

[LunaTrap]

Who says how long you have to wait and why

Long enough to know that he won't verbally abuse your kids before moving him in and planning a baby would have been a start, as this thread shows.

[theboud]

I would leave him. Sorry OP, I know that’s not what you want to hear but I wouldn’t have anyone around my DC who called them twats.

This will only get worse once the baby arrives. I think you need to make a clean break now. And look into the Freedom course. If this partner is an improvement on the last one you need to look at why you’re prepared to settle for men like this.

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

Why do people do this? I’ve seen countless threads on here and I’ve seen it IRL. People moving new partners by the third date without any idea who the actually are and what it might do to their children. And of course they always get pregnant. Its so selfish. Use your brains instead of your libido when making life changing decisions like umm, creating a family.

[dontwanttobeheremaryjane]

Thank you @DioneTheDiabolist
xxx

[RideOn]

Practically could he just keep his distance in that hour? If they misbehave get him to tell you when you get back? What kind of things need addressed in 1 hr.

I don't think being hard on your DCs is going to be productive.

When people are saying it all happened so fast, it is because it may have got you to this situation. When did they meet your DP? DCs have new man move into their home and brings his DD over EOW. Now they find out you are having another child. Now when you leave them this man shouts at them calling them "twats" with his alternative "parenting" style. All in a year.

That has got to be unsettling. Extra time might have given them a chance to build up a relationship slowly and for them to adjust.