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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

AIBU

69 replies

madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 13:10

So DP has 2 sons from previous relationship. 8 and 10. He has them every other weekend from Friday til Sunday. I had 3DD before we met and we have 1 DD together.

When the boys stay over they sleep in my middle twos room and they have to sleep over at grans house. His ex will not let them sleep down stairs in the dining room we were willing to convert into their room. Every time they stay they destroy something in my girls room. It's getting to the point now where all we do is argue about it. Now he's saying he'll sleep downstairs with them every time they are here.

The only time is has off from work is when he has his DS,s this makes it harder.

AIBU for not wanting my girls to be upset as their stuff is always being destroyed??

OP posts:

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thatdearoctopus · 01/04/2017 13:44

Not sure how his ex has any say about "letting" them do something in your house.

greenworm · 01/04/2017 14:19

Why on earth didn't he want to convert the dining room for them? It is definitely unfair that your DDs have to go off to their grans house when there is a perfectly good alternative solution.

madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 14:38

It wasn't him that didn't want to convert the room. It's the ex. She's not the most reasonable of women, when we met he was in the process of court to see them. He's too scared to go against her incase she stops them coming.

I feel so bad for my girls being shipped off and this actually makes me resent them coming. I know this is wrong and he's just trying to do the right thing. We both work long hours but when he's off we have them and they are very demanding. Also if they ever do anything wrong they never get punished.

I just feel like all I do is moan and feel like I never get quality time with my kids, just spend the whole weekend clearing up after 6 kids!!

OP posts:

Rumtopf · 01/04/2017 14:56

That's not on at all. Why on earth do your two girls get shipped off?! I understand the space issue but to send them away for the weekend isn't really fair.
Can you afford to move to somewhere with enough bedrooms? Or put a dividing wall up in the biggest room and you take the second biggest, therefore creating an extra room?

Evergreen777 · 01/04/2017 15:04

Can't you make it a downstairs bedroom instead of a dining room? Do you really need a dining room or could you eat in the kitchen or living room? I don't think having your DDs booted out to make space for DSSs every other weekend is a sustainable solution or nice for any of them. And it's really not up to their mum where they sleep at yours.

madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 15:05

They don't go for the whole weekend. Just for the night. We already live in a fairly big 4 bed house and not in the position to move. The problem is I have girls and he has boys so nobody can share.

Just can't see how much longer this can go on for 😒

OP posts:

Evergreen777 · 01/04/2017 15:05

Or could you even convert the dining room to a bedroom for your DDs and let the DSSs have an upstairs room? Nothing really wrong with a downstairs bedroom unless they're very your kids

madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 15:06

It was my idea to convert the dining room for them. But DP is too scared about what ex will say. She's made him go court once already and he's worried about doing the same again.

OP posts:

Evergreen777 · 01/04/2017 15:06

Very young kids, that should have read

madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 15:08

The reason I don't want the girls downstairs is because this is their home. The dss have their own room at their house. This is 4 nights a month we are talking, that's why I thought them staying downstairs would be the ideal option. They had their own room until the youngest came along. She needed a room of her own as she lives here full time. I realise this probably makes me sound like an awful person.

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/04/2017 15:11

I am fairly certain that the ex would be laughed out of court if she made an application to prevent DSSs sleeping in a room that Dad and step Mum have kindly provided for them just because it was downstairs and not upstairs.

No way would my kids be shunted out in this way to make room for them.

GraciesMansion · 01/04/2017 15:12

If you have four bedrooms can you not have two rooms with two girls in each and one room for the boys? Or are the rooms too small for this?

stitchglitched · 01/04/2017 15:12

If you have a 4 bed room house why can't you have you and your DP in one room, then 2 DDs in one, 2 DDs in another and the 2 boys in the last?

greenworm · 01/04/2017 15:13

Ah, I see:

Options seem to be:

have him talk to the ex softly softly, explain that your DDs are being sent away every other weekend (don't mention the breaking stuff as this is likely to get her back up) address her concerns over them sleeping downstairs but stress it would be converted into a bedroom just for them and you'd really like to go ahead with this plan. See if he can get her to agree. Is there some sort of bargaining chip he could use, give her something she wants in return?

Tell ex point blank you are converting the dining room to a bedroom and they'll be sleeping in it from now on. If she withholds contact, go back to court.

Make the dining room conversion into a bedroom for your DDs, they move downstairs, and your DSSs take the upstairs room.

Carry on as you are

Move

Split up

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/04/2017 15:14

madbonksermad - it does not make you sound like an awful person. It makes you sound like a practical person and a lovely step-Mum trying to the best by all her kids (her own and her step-kids).

Why should his trump yours and especially because his ex says so!?

It is not as though you are making them sleep in a make shift room you are giving up a room in your house (albeit downstairs) especially for them. As the old mn adage goes. You have a DH problem. He also needs to step up and prevent his kids trashing property not belonging to them.

greenworm · 01/04/2017 15:14

Oops, thread moved on a bit while I was writing that.

Evergreen777 · 01/04/2017 15:15

Why would it not be their home just because their bedroom is downstairs? It could have a bed in it, their own choice of decor etc. It would be a normal (downstairs) bedroom.

Could you suggest that to your DDs and see what they think? Might be better for them than having their room invaded by step brothers every other weekend who damage their stuff.

I'm guessing the ex is resentful if her DSs being pushed out by you having had a new baby. But the solution you've currently got sounds to be good for no-one.

And nothing to stop you using the DSSs room a bit when they're not there whether or not it's upstairs - eg for watching TV, ironing, studying etc.

madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 15:15

My 7&8 yo share already, the other 2 are 16 and 2. It's not fair to make my eldest share with her little sister at her age. She's always had her own room plus it's always a tip!

She wouldn't apply to the courts for this. Just stop them coming, then we'd have to take her to court with is at our expense. Last time cost over £3k

OP posts:

Evergreen777 · 01/04/2017 15:17

Why not put the 16 year old downs then? She'll probably be leaving home in a couple of years and you can reclaim a dining room then.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 01/04/2017 15:17

Uses his ex is prepared to buy you a bigger house she has no right to say where the boys sleep!!
Your dh needs to grow a pair or she will continue to dictate at the expense of your relationship!!
The more your dc are all together the better it will be in the long term for their relationship too!

MycatsaPirate · 01/04/2017 15:18

YANBU

I would stop shipping the girls off so the boys can have their room, that's grossly unfair.

Convert the room downstairs. Let the ex deal with it. If you keep this scenario up for much longer it's going to cause massive resentment among all the dc.

stitchglitched · 01/04/2017 15:20

I do think ousting them from a room that was always theirs to make way for a new child is sending a crappy message to an 8 and 10 year old tbh. They probably don't respect the house because they feel they have no stake in it. They lost their room to one daughter and now have to 'borrow' a room from 2 other kids so they have no space of their own.

The dining room conversion seems like a good idea but if it will cause conflict could your 16 year old take that space and the boys take her room?

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madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 15:20

It's already causing massive problems. DP and I haven't spoken all day. I agree he needs to grow a pair and just tell her.

As for moving the eldest downstairs I don't want to. Again I realise this sounds unreasonable but it's her room, plus she has an ensuite. I really don't think it's fair when it will be empty 26 days of the month.

OP posts:

madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 15:22

The new baby hasn't caused issues. She's 2 now, they love her to bits. They'd happily have the dining room, unfortunately I think they'll always be issues with the ex.

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Frouby · 01/04/2017 15:26

Cant you have the baby in with you when they are visiting? Then they have a blow up bed/pull out bed in there.

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