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Do you as a step-parent ever communicate with the ex?

(53 Posts)
Batboobs Mon 13-Jun-16 23:37:25

Been with my DP for years and I've never had any contact with the ex. She has never probed that deeply into in our relationship besides snooping on DP via social media, never shown any interest in the fact that we live together, that her child stays with us for long periods of time at her request (it's my house) etc.

Then when she found out we were expecting a child, she began to ask 101 questions. Wanted to have a 'meeting' with DP to discuss me, my other DC's, where we lived and a bunch of other things that were suddenly concerning her. DP refused as she is usually evasive and secretive about her own life, even at the expense of co parenting their child successfully.

It made me wonder how normal it is in a step-family set up for the step-parent and ex to have any contact? Half of her issues would be resolved if she met or spoke to me in person, it's something I would be willing to do, but not in a forced way.

OutToGetYou Tue 14-Jun-16 00:15:31

Not really. If she calls for dp and I answer I am obviously polite and take a message or answer if I can. (she never calls for dss) I've never given her my mobile number though she did try that tack a few times saying she and I should organise things, but I didn't agree so just evaded her.

If she comes round and I answer the door then same really. I don't offer her tea or anything but she's never here very long - except when she decided to come here to give dss his birthday presents, but then it was up to dp to offer her tea and he didn't.

I am mighty pissed off with her these days so if I know she is coming round or she turns up and I see her before the door is answered, I sit in the bedroom til she's gone in case I tell her some home truths.

She told dss I am 'boring'.

Flowerbunty Tue 14-Jun-16 00:18:42

I am the ex... My eldest DS has a stepmum. However, we probably break the mould. We've organised his party together for his birthday, she and his dad have come over when I've shrugged to build things that he's got for his birthday. I offer tea.
Hell, they even minded my youngest child when I had a hospital appointment and was really stuck for anyone else to take him shock

OutToGetYou Tue 14-Jun-16 01:10:07

I'd happily do all that Flower, if the ex were nice to me - but she sneers at me, insults me (not to my face, just to dss, who then tells me), makes judgements about our home.....

I know a few people who get on well enough with their ex to enable the families to work well together. dp's ex likes a drama so that wouldn't be interesting enough for her. It would suit her better if I beat her dss so she had something to bitch about.

MeMySonAndl Tue 14-Jun-16 01:32:06

I really don't know... I wouldn't call my exs' children stepsons as we were not living together but with the first one, I was in friendly terms with ex wife, she didn't intervene in my relationship and I made sure I didn't interfere in the way they were raising their children. We were far from being best friends but if she needed me I was there for the children and she seemed grateful about it.

With second BF it was totally different. As soon as we said we were together, ex wife asked to meet me to find out if I was "safe" around her kid, that was it for me. I never wanted to meet her, stayed away of their parenting decisions, and let BF deal with her.

I suppose that she was the kind of person who would come down like a pile of bricks of we had been expecting a baby as she would have seen that as a threat to the status quo of the relationship of her child and her exh. Having said that, my exh has been with his partner/wife for years and I really do not give a monkey's arse about what they do with their lives. So it is all relative.

MeMySonAndl Tue 14-Jun-16 01:34:42

Having a baby makes you a permanent picture in her exh's life. That's why she is concerned. Things will change when the baby arrives as you will have your hands fuller, she may be concerned her child would feel displaced, but that is no reason for her giving you any grief.

wheresthel1ght Tue 14-Jun-16 08:25:08

In the beginning yes, I had a fairytale dream hope that we could all be friends and help the kids adjust and grow into wonderful young adults.

However, she is a witch. She is neglectful of the kids, rude and insulting to and about me, makes out to anyone who will listen that I destroyed her marriage when actually I only met dp after they had split because he found out about her shagging anyone with a penis and a pulse. We don't correct people because the kids would find out and the last thing I want is to hurt them. However she goes out of her way to be vile and thinks she has a right to dictate to me how I live my life. She has also demanded that her maintenance goes up because I am back working after being ill/on maternity because she believes she is entitled to a share of my money she got told to fuck off. She waltzes into MY house like she owns it without knocking and dp has been told on more than one occasion that if she does it again and my dd is out of ear shot she will get told to get the fuck out.

Unless absolutely necessary I have nothing to do with her.

I would love it to be different, it would be better for the kids. But she is an evil selfish self centred cow

Keithyoustink Tue 14-Jun-16 08:39:11

I am the ex. Ex and his partner have been together 10 years since DC were 8 & 9. In that time I have met her once at a family party and I once gave her and Ex a lift as they had taken DC to London and I was going passed their house and they were waiting for a bus. Our conversation to date has been "hello" and "goodbye".

Mind you DC have never stayed overnight at their house because Ex was too lazy to actually look after his children when they were younger but they have always taken them on extended long haul holidays. She was nice to my children when they were younger which is good but I can't think of any reason now or in the past why I would need to have a conversation about anything.

Keithyoustink Tue 14-Jun-16 08:41:26

past not passed

JessicaRabbit3 Tue 14-Jun-16 09:46:36

I'm the ex I don't have DS SM number ex did txt on her number before but I never saved it. He has my DP number due to the fact I constantly seem to have bad luck with phones and break them. All on all we get on ok. We lead very seperate lives to one another. We know each other's partners as three of us went to school together so don't know if that makes it easier but there's no bad blood at least not on my side to exs DW.

MeridianB Tue 14-Jun-16 09:51:35

I offered to meet her when I first met DSD. I thought it was important as I would spending time with her child and wanted to do the grown-up thing. We were civil. But over time she has shown herself to be consistently unpleasant, rude and selfish and has used DSD to be mean to DH. So I avoid her like the plague as I don't think I would be able to hold back my real thoughts (although I never say anything negative about her in front of DSD and rarely now to DH).

We have no contact and don't need to. No need for her to have your mobile, OP. Just leave it to DP to deal with her.

I think it's perfectly normal and polite to meet for the time it takes to drink a cup of warm (not hot!) coffee. But this is not an interview and you should not be subjected to endless questions. She does not need to know anything about you other than that you don't have two heads and that you care about her child.

So my recommendation would be to meet with her, DP and your DSC in a cafe for 15-20 mins tops and make it clear in advance that it is just to say hello. Don't get sucked into answering her questions if you don't want to, including about your pregnancy. Be pleasant but feel free to laugh off attempts to pry with 'I wouldn't want to bore you with that' and change the subject by asking DSC something.

willconcern Tue 14-Jun-16 12:21:00

I break the mould too.

My exP's ex is one of my closest friends. When I was with exP, I communicated with her often, as they wound each other up & she and I got on. I only met her because she was his ex, we didn't know eachother before, but we got on from the moment we met. Although he & I have spilt now, I still see her regularly and my ex-DSSs too, through her. Our friendship is much stronger now, as when I was with him we did maintain a distance in terms of discussion of him. Now we aren't so constrained wink.

I also communicate with my exH's wife, step mum to our DCs. She is nice, fair & kind to our DCs even though she was the OW. That's history.

My fiance's ex wife - different story. Although their DCs are grown up, she doesn't acknowledge my existence (or his) even when we are in the same room. If we pick up their DCs (grown up now), we don't get spoken to at all. I think it's sad, and the DCs dislike it that their parents don't speak. DP would, but she won't even make eye contact & has made it clear that to her we don't exist. Before anyone asks, I met him 12 years after their divorce and she remarried 11 years ago.

Matilda2013 Tue 14-Jun-16 12:30:01

I have my dsd's mums number. We contact if needed but most things go through dp and we all FaceTime a lot so that the parent who isn't with her can talk to her each day. We have been together at birthday parties, went out the three of us and dsd on her birthday and we had some time together at Christmas too. So generally we all get along well. Some things that she does wind me up but that happens.

No idea how it will be when we have another child though sure we will find out In a few years

crusoe16 Tue 14-Jun-16 13:51:46

I communicate with my DSD's DM almost daily and see her several times a week. She and DH aren't amicable and I think they both prefer it that way. Actually I'm fairly sure DSD prefers it that way too.

I wouldn't describe her as my friend and I'm fairly certain we would never be friends in different circumstances either but I have no problem making small talk with her and I invite her in / offer her a drink when she comes to our house. I keep it brief and focussed on DSD though. I don't have much else to talk to her about. She's done some shocking things in the past but I've given up caring or hoping she'll change. I will never 'like' her but I can just about work with her. That said, I can't wait until DSD's an adult and I don't have to...

MachineBee Tue 14-Jun-16 14:21:42

My DHs ExW sees me as a resource for her to use when it suits. There's been occasions when DSCs were all under 11 when they'd just be dropped off in the road and would all troop in through the back door, when I wasn't aware they were coming and only by chance was I in. I was never asked to have them, it was just assumed I would. DH would get cross but she just did it regardless.

My car is also seen as a something for her to benefit from for endless activities for the kids which she books them on to and then expects us to take them and pay for. She even sort of suggested it might be nice to let DSD use it for driving practice and got told in no uncertain terms that wasn't going to happen. It's my work car and I didn't even put my own DCs on when they were that age.

I would like to be able to discuss arrangements with her when I'm the one usually affected, but she wouldn't really know how to have a proper conversation. I'd just end up being told what I was doing and when. Now I disengage a lot, do my own thing and help when it's not inconvenient for me. Sad really as I'm someone who's happy to work around things and help where possible. Her loss.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 14-Jun-16 16:54:51

Never met her, not sure when I ever will. She and DH barely ever communicate, just contact dates for months at a time by email and the odd text about one of them being off school ill or football being cancelled.

Funnily enough, the only person who can't seem to get their head around it is my own DSM, who met my DM before she met us quite soon after she started dating my Dad and can't understand why DH's ex wouldn't want to know the person her DC spend a lot of time with. But the feeling is mutual and works for all of us.

Chloecoconut Tue 14-Jun-16 17:45:11

In one respect I'm the ex and have never been allowed to meet my ex's current partner. He's had several gf's since we split 7 years ago and I've never been allowed to meet any of them - one of them contacted me after they split to tell me what he'd told her about me - so I suspect he's told the current one a pack of lies about me as he did with the others. I'd prefer to contact her, not him tbh.

My ex has an open offer to meet my DP but he has said he's not interested (in meeting the man who is bringing up his kids).

I'd love to actually meet my DP's ex - just to put a face to the woman who delights in keeping his daughter away from him as much as possible sad I've nothing to say to her but I often think it would be easier if there was communication between her and I, as her and my DP can't ever get on ....

deVelvet Tue 14-Jun-16 17:55:25

DPs ex and I are on very good terms.

We communicate regarding the dc, we exchange pictures on our weeks of what they are up to. She contacted me after a recent parents evening and asked for my assistance with dss2, we invite each other in to our homes on pick up/drop offs

In fact she regularly invites my dd (not DPs) on days out with the dc as she views dd as part of the boys family.

It's nice that she acknowledges me as part of their lives but I am also very wary of overstepping the mark.

She sent me a text recently telling me that I was really good with the boys and thanked me smile

DP and exw are also on good terms - all 4 adults in their lives are amicable and it just goes towards showing the dc that everything is fine and we are all happy.

swingofthings Tue 14-Jun-16 19:28:01

I never wanted to meet ex's new partner and I know she didn't want to meet me either. 10 years on, if she wanted to meet, I would be absolutely fine with it and I think so would she. Amazing what time can do! I can already imagine all of us at DD's wedding in another 10 years time!

oldestmumaintheworld Tue 14-Jun-16 19:32:19

I'm the ex and don't ever want to meet, speak to, or be in the same room with my exH's partner. I cannot imagine any circumstances that I would. I struggle being in the same room as him, never mind her.

cavkc123 Tue 14-Jun-16 20:01:56

I've had it both ways with ex's

My ex's new partner refused to speak to me for years and whenever I dropped DS off I didn't even get a Hi ... Fast forward 20 years and they both came to my sons engagement party that we hosted in our home (they also live 200 miles away). It was wonderful, I thanked them for coming and she gave me a hug and said 'all that rubbish is just so long ago'.... Now that shocked me but in a good way

My Dh's ex was friendly with me from the beginning, she always used to buy my son a birthday and Christmas present. She even sent us a card when we got married. I do think though that she realised fairly early on that I could be useful to her for childcare

Everyone different but time is a great healer

Happydappy99 Tue 14-Jun-16 20:12:48

I'm the ex and I don't really speak to his new wife unless I have to. She was the OW and was truly vile when we first separated and still has her moments now. I've invited her and her DD to my children's parties and we've seen each other at other activities and got on ok.

LoveAGoodRummage Tue 14-Jun-16 20:22:54

I'm the ex and probably speak with DDs SM more than I do exDP! We'll probably never be great friends as we're rather different characters but I like her (hasn't always been the way) and I know she loves my daughter.

BlueberrySky Tue 14-Jun-16 20:41:52

I knew HD's ex when they were still together. I knew her very well, we were quite close for a number of years. DH and I did not get together till a few years after they had split. I knew how poisonous she was so I made sure she was kept at arms length. She used to try and come into our home, turning up at bedtime for stories etc. We stopped that and I have not seen or spoken to her in years.

donoteatthat1 Tue 14-Jun-16 20:42:27

The only contact I have had with her is when she came to my door shouting at me like a fish wife. I am now looking at ways to keep her away from me and my property. Sad but theres a huge back story

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