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I want to pack their bags and have my home back

(54 Posts)
chocolateorange88 Sun 28-Feb-16 13:53:18

Had enough. Sick of being ignored. Sick of being treated like a dragon they are scared of when I ask for respect (in a respectful tone, I am prepared to give and take). Sick of avoiding my home when they are here. Sick of my partner not daring to deal with manipulative behaviour because it isn't naughty in an "obvious way". Sick of the fact that the youngest can ruin a toy of my daughters and it can't be dealt with effectively due to handovers. I want my space for myself and my child back and I feel there is no one I can rant to in real life. I love my partner and would never let my daughter treat him disrespectfully, therefore they have built a good relationship, I then feel guilty because I have no relationship with his kids. I don't even factor them into plans anymore, just please myself and my dd. I don't know why I'm posting or what I'm hoping to achieve. Just had enough :-(

MTPurse Sun 28-Feb-16 13:55:39

Sorry to sound harsh but you do not sound like you are ready to be a step parent.

VimFuego101 Sun 28-Feb-16 13:59:12

Don't feel guilty. I only clung on to my sanity because I detached and left DH to it (thanks to MN). Focus on your DD.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 28-Feb-16 13:59:55

What have they actually done? Except the youngest one broke a toy. How old is s/he?

chocolateorange88 Sun 28-Feb-16 14:16:22

In terms of what they've done, it's hard to explain just lots of manipulative little things that sound like nothing but have built up progressively. The fact a toy was broken I know isn't a big deal, it's more the way it was done and how it can be dismissed that gets to me (child is above 5, don't want to be too specific). Its just part of a big picture and i dont know why it has particularly got to me. I always try to be nice and smiley but am finding it harder and harder. For example, with the oldest I needed to get past them so said "excuse me" nicely, casually and he ran upstairs to his bedroom and slammed the door shut as if I'd threatened him(his dad was present and said himself it was obviously not genuine). It did NOT start off like this, I know the behaviour is influenced from other sources and partly clash of personalities which is what it is, it's just got to me today for some reason :-( I don't tell them off, I leave that to their dad, I don't try to parent because they have two parents. I just try to be friendly and see the best in them but today I just can't. I know I sound awful.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 28-Feb-16 14:28:48

Gosh you have my sympathy, it's really hard isn't it. I have 4 Dsc 2 older teens live with us, 2 younger ones live with their DM - who was the original design model for the stereo-typical batshit crazy ex.. (Hence eldest dcs choice to live with us)..
Anyway, younger Dsc behave in very much same way as you describe yours.. Do your Dscs live with you ? If so I think you are going to have to exit this relationship.

If it is EOW then I suggest you do as I have done, and make plans with your dcs for these weekends - go out with them and do fun stuff. Keep the whole 'happy family ' thing to a minimum. Until your DH can step up with the enforcement of boundaries and knock the Disney dad act on the head..

lookluv Sun 28-Feb-16 14:43:51

OP - respect is earned you can not ask for it.

Children are manipulative for all sorts of reasons - just that on this forum,if it is the step kids then it is always blamed on the disney dad, bad ex etc etc.

Some of the stuff I see described on here, is just kids growing up but it gains a slant of "disrepsect", manipulative", "nasty", not brought up properly etc.

My two try to manipulate me against the other all the time, I ignore it, it usually stops. Currently, eldest is dobbing in the younger having food in the bedroom, I knew it, did not need the elder to tell tales on the younger. Why is he doing it, because the consequence is losing the X box for the afternoon and eldest want to play on it! Easy to get your sib banned for a misdemeanour and you can sit there without needing to share!!!

chocolateorange88 Sun 28-Feb-16 14:45:55

It is EOW contact so mostly I try to make other plans. Sundays I find hard because my dd is away and friends are busy with their "uncomplicated families" (gosh I sound like a bitch putting it that way!) I just feel sad that this is the way it is. I really hope my dd does not have this relationship with her step mum. I would be mortified if she was rude to her because I know I've raised her to be better than that. Your right about DP, I don't think it's disney parenting but rather he is feeling a lack of support with dealing with these behaviours (which apparently aren't specific to me) so feels if he has them EOW he can't make a difference and has to nag them all the time so has almost given up dealing with it. I can understand his frustrations but to me it feels like copping out.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 28-Feb-16 14:59:09

If he wants to be able to parent them properly he has to have them more. Of course they don't see him as a parent, he doesn't bring them up.
To those children your dd is a child they may or may not get on with but are forced to play with.
A 5 year old is not being manipulative. It's a small child.
How long have you been with their dad?

Wdigin2this Sun 28-Feb-16 15:02:07

I really feel for you Chocolate, I've never had the 'visiting days' thing because all our DC were grown when we got together. However, if my DSC had been younger, I know damn well that I'd be experiencing problems! Not in the way you are tbh, because we get on in general, but one of them would, as a child, have been (is still) very manipulative.....I would have been fighting her for her DF's attention at all times! I know that sounds childish and immature but it would have become very wearing, as is your situation!

MTPurse Sun 28-Feb-16 15:08:41

I would have been fighting her for her DF's attention at all times!

Seriously? Yes you are right, very childish and immature, Also manipulative, How ironic.

chocolateorange88 Sun 28-Feb-16 15:22:45

We have been living together over a year, I think we had started getting to know the kids about 15 months before that, we had been together about 6 months before then. So getting on for 3 years now. The last 3 months have been particularly hard. He does have the kids half the school holidays as well and their behaviour towards us actually improves when we have more of them. No chance of contact increasing, we live 45 mins away (half way between them and my ex who lives in the opposite direction) and their mum is a SAHM so in reality we wouldn't be successful trying for that. We also know the kids wouldn't want that.
What is the best course of action? Do I start trying again knowing they don't want a relationship at present? Do I adjust to disengaging and carry on being polite? Today I feel like giving up but I know I don't want to give up on my relationship with DP.

Owllady Sun 28-Feb-16 15:28:53

They are young children, so you continue to try and develop a relationship with them if you feel you want to make things work with your partner, otherwise what is the point?
Have you spoken to him about it?

MrsJayy Sun 28-Feb-16 15:31:03

Tbf they are there to see their dad must be hard for them coming EOW and you and your Dd are around i think disengaging is the way to go for now sounds tough though

stargirl1701 Sun 28-Feb-16 15:34:44

Can you move back to your own house and your DP live with you most of the time then in his own home when he has his children?

chocolateorange88 Sun 28-Feb-16 15:44:27

Dd isn't really around during contact weekends. She goes to an activity pretty much all saturday and i go with her, and is at her dad's sunday. They always go out Sunday afternoons and I let them get on with it unless my DP asks me to go. So quality time with just dad isn't an issue. My dd and his youngest actually get on well most of the time, bit of bickering but that's it. If I spend less time with the DP thinks I'm avoiding them...

chocolateorange88 Sun 28-Feb-16 15:47:16

Stargirl dps finances won't stretch to that. We did try that for a few months before he moved in. This house is legally mine (legal contract to protect this in place).

MrsJayy Sun 28-Feb-16 15:54:03

It sounds really difficult for cant do right for doing wrong

Wdigin2this Sun 28-Feb-16 16:08:59

Well MTP, I fully expected to get slated for my earlier post....and you didn't disappoint!! Why is it that whenever a SM says anything detrimental about her DSC, she is bashed?

In my case, if I'd been with her DF when she was a child, my DSD would probably have made my life hell. But she's an adult (albeit still manipulative) so I don't see her a lot which is why we get on fine! I made a conscious decision to never date a man with young children, partly because I had friends who were in that scenario, and I could see how difficult it was.

So...childish or not, I think that years and years of dealing with jealousy and devious manipulation, would have been unhappy and exhausting!

PrettyBrightFireflies Sun 28-Feb-16 17:11:33

If he wants to be able to parent them properly he has to have them more. Of course they don't see him as a parent, he doesn't bring them up.

I agree. An EOW contact arrangements is not one that allows equal parenting, and is one where the DC's are inevitably "visitors" in their Dads home.
So, it's not unreasonable to expect the DC's to conduct themselves as they would when they visit other peoples homes - with respect for the homeowners and other peoples belongings.

But of course, that isn't what happens, because social expectation is that they can walk in and out of their dads home as "members of the family" and treat it in the same way as they do their primary home.

So you have DC's who are spending EOW in a house they have grown up to believe is a place they should consider home, but with no parental figure to set boundaries and guide them regarding acceptable behaviour.
I think I'd be confused - so it's no wonder they are.

And, of course, the OP and her DD are inncent bystanders in this; having agreed to share her home and life with her DP, she is now expected to accept this.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 28-Feb-16 17:39:28

So basically you and DD are being 'chased out' of your own house EOW? This is why I decided I'd never marry a man with children.

If I spend less time with them DP thinks I'm avoiding them…

But you are! And that's his problem and apparently he doesn't want to do anything about it. But without knowing the ages of the children involved it's hard to say what, if anything, can be done.

I think I'd just look at the ages of the DSCs and decide if their father is worth putting up with their behaviour for XX number of years. Once they're adults you can take them or leave them (or tell them off).

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 28-Feb-16 18:14:25

I sympathise, the general ignoring and overreaction to anything remotely assertive of you is what I'd see as the problem. Hard to know not being in your situation OP.

A step family is very hard I think. Especially for SMs. The kids can find you hard to accept, and a lot relies on your DP setting the tone, and their mum helping them to feel that it's not being disloyal. Neither often happen!

Could you suggest a few practical things that DP could get the kids to do? Like asking you how you are, how was your week and listening to you for a bit? Talking then 'not to be silly' in a jokey way when they overreact? Can you?

AntideluvianCat Sun 28-Feb-16 18:28:34

You have my total sympathy. I recently got so hacked off with the Disney-dadding, lack of boundaries, lack of respect, one rule for me and DD, one rule for Her Majesty the stepdaughter, I took action and have moved me and DD into our own household over the road. DH and I see each other everyday, and I don't have to tolerate the inequality or 'blended' (ha!) family bollocks anymore. I get to be mistress of my own home again, they get to do what they like, and we get to have a nice uncomplicated - if somewhat unconventional - romantic relationship. I recommend it.

Wdigin2this Sun 28-Feb-16 22:31:24

Antideluvian.....good for you! I think the 'courting' part of a relationship is the best part, and you've just reverted to it!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 29-Feb-16 01:09:15

Antediluvian - you've probably saved your sanity! Although did your DP see your POV at all afterwards? Do you think it might change in the future and you can live together?

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