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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I want to pack their bags and have my home back

53 replies

chocolateorange88 · 28/02/2016 13:53

Had enough. Sick of being ignored. Sick of being treated like a dragon they are scared of when I ask for respect (in a respectful tone, I am prepared to give and take). Sick of avoiding my home when they are here. Sick of my partner not daring to deal with manipulative behaviour because it isn't naughty in an "obvious way". Sick of the fact that the youngest can ruin a toy of my daughters and it can't be dealt with effectively due to handovers. I want my space for myself and my child back and I feel there is no one I can rant to in real life. I love my partner and would never let my daughter treat him disrespectfully, therefore they have built a good relationship, I then feel guilty because I have no relationship with his kids. I don't even factor them into plans anymore, just please myself and my dd. I don't know why I'm posting or what I'm hoping to achieve. Just had enough :-(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 29/02/2016 13:07

Oh my, I'm glad I found this thread. OP, I feel your pain

Whoever it was up thread who said respect has to be earned and is not automatic - I disagree totally. All people should show all other people a basic level of respect and politeness, whether it's a SP or a stranger on the street or behind a till. Some of the behaviour people describe from their SC towards them is totally unacceptable to me.

I'm going through my own struggles with this ATM. Rudeness towards me and bullying behaviour towards my own DCs. I love my DP but I don't want my DCs subjected to the environment that is there when we are all together.

It's a tough place to be! I don't really want to start again, but if end up doing that, I think I will automatically exclude the possibility with anyone who has kids!

Petal02 · 29/02/2016 14:34

Antideluvian what a fab idea! But what did your partner think to your move?

BertrandRussell · 29/02/2016 14:40

"stereo-typical batshit crazy ex.."

How many women on this thread are Exs?

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 29/02/2016 18:45

Agree on the respect thing - a SM shouldn't have to earn it any more than a step child should. It can be lost though, but not through asserting yourself in a fair way.

Wdigin2this · 29/02/2016 19:23

The not so drastic method of finding your own space, is to have, (if possible) two TV rooms...and claim the smallest as your own personal seclusion zone!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/02/2016 19:35

How many women on this thread are Exs?

I am - and to my ex (and probably his DW) I'm definitely batshit crazy. It's a label I've been cultivating

Wdigin2this · 29/02/2016 19:50

I'm an Ex, but our DC were grown when we split. My children have a SM who is a lovely person, is much more suited to my Ex than I ever was....and best of all, she loves my DC and DGC, and they love her! All in all, I suppose I have a better relationship with her than I do with Ex.....and yes, I do realise how fortunate I am!

amarmai · 29/02/2016 22:33

so the house is yours and you and your dc are being disrespected in your own home. If your p does not see that this is unsustainable , then maybe you have to tell him.

Jalapenos4me · 01/03/2016 04:50

Chocolate, I am in a very similar situation to you. Please PM me if you wish x

dolkapots · 01/03/2016 08:29

I would have been fighting her for her DF's attention at all times!

I'm sure your DSD is thrilled that she didn't meet you when she was younger! In my experience SM's have a harder time adjusting to the girls, there does seem to be a jealousy/competitive element which is really sad.

No advice OP, other than to split up, which probably isn't helpful. As a benchmark I would say ask yourself if your partner's children were to live with you full time how you would cope?

Wdigin2this · 01/03/2016 20:22

Dolcapots.....do you know, you couldn't have got me more wrong if you tried!!

Firstly, I made a conscious decision not to date men who had young DC, all our DC were grown when we met, for the very reason that I didn't want to experience the problems so many posters appear to be having! Secondly, my DSD would agree that she would have been jealous as a young girl, and prob would have made life difficult for me, (oh yes she would), so the 'competition' would have been extremely wearing! Thirdly, yes SM's do have more of a hard time with girls....and that's because so many men who don't live with their DC, seem to be guilty of Disney parenting them...especially girls.

As for splitting up, I think not after more than two happy decades!!!

I do wish posters would not jump to conclusions on the basis of one sentence! When I read a post, I always try to understand what the poster is trying to say....before comiting any opinions or comments to the thread!

Wdigin2this · 01/03/2016 20:26

Sorry Dolcapots, I obviously didn't read your post properly, I can now see the splitting up remark was to the OP!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 01/03/2016 20:43

wdigin it does very much sound like your DSD would have caused an impossible strain on you and your DP if you had lived with her, whatever her age! You made a wise decision to stay away from men who's children were still there!

The girl thing - I think it's so much harder. I think there is a stronger territorial battle there. My eldest DSD did act like I had replaced her - and in a way I had - before then she treated DP exactly like his wife did, and took charge of the younger ones (much to their annoyance). Girls can follow their mums example more too. A new woman on the block is bound to come into fire!

Wdigin2this · 01/03/2016 20:57

Yes Bananas, and you can say that, because you've read some of my other posts, so you didn't just jump to the conclusion that Dolcapots did!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 01/03/2016 22:12

It's hard isn't it, we have such a snippet of people's lives here on the mumsnet threads. Who knows, we might all just be terrible psychopaths!

howtodowills · 02/03/2016 07:40

antedeluvian - I've suggested the same thing to my DP but he doesn't want "split lives".... His DD (8) is slowly destroying the happy home I've worked hard to create for me, DS (6) DP and his other DD (5). She's an absolute nightmare...

I know what wig means about fighting for affection. I have disengaged from DP a lot when they're here which isn't healthy either but she kicks off if we so much as smile at eachother heaven forbid holding hands....

dolkapots · 02/03/2016 08:02

Wdig I'm not jumping to conclusions about you, nor was I being goady. I have read your posts btw It was strange to see that you were basically saying that you would have felt the need to compete with a child. Many SM's on here complain about having to do this, and it just struck me that these are children. If a grown adult can feel insecure, threatened and the need to compete then how on earth does a young child who has no choice about the situation feel?

You were very wise I think to make the choice not to be involved with anyone with young kids.

Wdigin2this · 02/03/2016 20:06

Yes Dolcapots, they are children, but the very fact that so many SM have this problem, suggests that it is not just adults being jealous/competitive/immature! I have relatives who have been in this position, and the constant tension it can cause is wearisome and erosive!

Jalapenos4me · 03/03/2016 01:37

I am getting divorced due to the 2 now adult step kids living here full time. My once wonderful husband who I loved with all my heart has turned into a demon due to his Disney dad ways. I am going to write a book about my experiences. Sorry to steal your thunder OP, did not intend to, but we seem to have a lot in common. I feel for you x

Wdigin2this · 03/03/2016 09:10

Jalap, at what point did you think, enough I'm out of here...what was the final push?

As I've said many times I avoided men with young DC because I didn't want to live in a blended household, and on the whole it's worked well for me! We have our problems, largely due to one DSC's entitled attitude and her DH's Disneying, but he and I have made it work for many years, and hopefully many more to come!

I will look out for your book...good luck!

Jalapenos4me · 03/03/2016 20:21

Wdig, unfortunately the decision was not mine. My husband decided to tell me he wanted to split up just after Xmas, because I don't like his kids, who are 20 and 18 btw! Still living in the same house and it is making me very depressed.

donajimena · 03/03/2016 20:40

I don't live with my OH and I am in no hurry to. I see us in it for the long haul but his daughters DO compete for attention. The nearly 12 year old will physically break us up if we have a hug proclaiming she needs one too, sitting in between us if we sit together.
I love him but if it goes tits up it would be down to the kids. Mine aren't exactly a walk in the park either!
As an aside can I just ask why step mums are villified in this forum? I think it can be really nasty here which surprises me as surely by the board name it should be a safe place to vent?

CalicoBlue · 03/03/2016 21:27

Chocolate I understand how you feel. It is hard. DH and I joke that being parents of teenagers is hard but a step parent of teenagers is doubly hard, unrewarding and completely shit.

The only way I got through the first few years together was disengaging. I let DH deal with DSS the way he wanted. Still now, 10 years on, we still argue about the kids if we let it get that far. If you want to save the relationship you need to let stuff go with regard to the kids.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 04/03/2016 00:10

donajimena - I also wonder why SMs are given SUCH a hard time and have to literally walk on egg shells making any comments or posts. If anything is deemed to be negative or 'overdoing' it there are far too many people who just jump down their throats. It surprised me but maybe it is a reflection that SMs in particular have a very hard position - something that as mum or kids or partners don't share (and I talk as someone who is a mum, DSD and Ex too).

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 04/03/2016 00:14

Jalapenos I also symathise. My DSCs are not demons, but there were so many of them that even a few being resentful or excluding wore me down psychologically - and wore down my son too. Adult step kids living at home are the absolute trickiest too, often far too much underlying jostling for position - found it all pretty draining and nearly left myself!

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