DP and I are expecting a baby in a few months. I have one DC from a previous relationship, and he has three.
In recent months, since about when DSC1 (11) started secondary school, we've been having a hellish time with him (not obviously to do with the transition to secondary). He has become a mouthpiece for Mum, with whom he's always had a difficult, loveless relationship but who is now showering him with attention - which he's lapping up - and working with gusto to turn him against his dad, me and my DC (it seems to be working). He has been plain nasty, and stirred up a lot of tension among his siblings and my DC.
DSC1 has chosen not to come very much anymore. He would usually be with us a bit over a third of the time, along with his younger siblings, who've generally been coming as normal – and happily. I own the house, but it's home to us all, and of the four bedrooms, my younger DSCs have one between them, DSC1 has one to himself, my DC has a room and DP and I have one.
We have tried to get to the bottom of the problem with DSC1, but he doesn't say much, or cries, or just doesn't turn up (unless he wants something from Dad). We do know he's pretty anti all of us at the moment, which will be massively to do with Mum's influence. He's stayed two or three nights since the end of the summer - when, sadly, the atmosphere has been awful and fighting has sky-rocketed - and we don't see him for weeks at a time.
Meanwhile, we've become overrun with baby stuff, kindly given to us by friends – and saving us a fortune. It's piling up in the living space and the chaos is starting to get us down. We'd planned to muddle through in a degree of mess until we can extend, with baby (and baby's stuff) in with us until whenever that is. But I'm now wondering, and DP and I have started to talk about it tentatively, if we should reclaim DSC1's bedroom as a sort of nursery – a space for baby's things as well as a spare room for us to take it in turns to grab some rest in during the sleepless early months.
DSC1 isn't turning up. He won't give us any idea of when he will stay again. And we have no control over Mum's continuing toxic influence, so have no idea how long this dynamic will go on. And I'm starting to resent earmarking an entire room in our home for a child who is rarely here, while a child who will live here all the time will have no designated space for their stuff for a year or two – and our bedroom will be a resultant tip for that time.
If DP and I were to proceed with reclaiming DSC1's unused room, I would of course be the world's worst stepmother. There would be no reasoning or pragmatism, just drama. And DP worries, understandably, that he'd see even less of DSC1, which I can appreciate - though is keen to remain firm but fair with him rather than slip into Disney dad territory. But if we carry on as we are, well we'd all be dancing to DSC1's tune and, to be brutally honest, he doesn't need any encouragement to behave like a diva at the moment. We have camp beds. He could still stay. I just don't see how he has a right to 'bagsy' a whole room and not even turn up to use it when the space is very much needed by others in the household.
Is there a middle ground in this delicate scenario? AIBU? What would you do? Sigh.
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Step-parenting
Delicate bedroom issue with DSC1
64 replies
AlwaysTheCoffeeOnesLeft · 22/12/2014 14:41
OP posts:
needaholidaynow ·
22/12/2014 15:50
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