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ive just sent dh an email, now im worried, he'll see it when he arrives at work soon

(69 Posts)
nailpolish Mon 08-Aug-05 08:27:29

the story so far

thursday - dh goes out with his mates drinking as one of them has just had a baby, so its a 'head-wetting'. fair enough. but he says to me "wait up for me will you, im not taking a key, ill not be late"

so i did, til 130am, he says they got carried away playing cards. he didnt even phone or anything, i was getting worried so eventually called him at 120am , he was on his way home. i had stayed awake cos i was worried if i fell asleep i wouldnt hear the doorbell.

saturday, my mum had agreed to babysit so me and dh could go out for a meal, but it transpired i had to work. my mum still babysat, dh came along to the pub (where i work) and had a couple of drinks, then told me he was going home. he said "ill wait up for you". i got home at 1am, he wasnt home yet! so i called him, he said he was still in the pub, had met a couple of mates on the way home. he asked me to come along, i said i was tired but i went anyway. when i got there i said "ill have a drink, leave the car and we can get it in the morning" he said, "oh, ive told all my mates youll give them a lift home" and they were all standing there waiting to go! so he hadnt asked me along for a drink, just to give them all a lift home! (but he denies this)

yesterday - he goes out golfing with his mates 11am til 4pm, leaving me at home to look after the girls (again). at 4pm he call and says "were in the pub, why dont you come down" so i did. the girls were having a fairly good time, but dd1 (toilet training) did a poo in her pants, and dd2 was getting hungry so i say "im away home to give the girls their tea etc" he goes in a major huff, and i get a bad name, for apparently 'making' him come home with me (i had told him to stay and finish his pint, i would take the girls home) we argued in the car and havent spoken since

he left for work this morning without us talking, and ive just sent him an e mail saying along the lines of "i just want you to understand things are hard for me, looking after the girls monday to friday 6am til 7pm, then going to work 4 nights a week til 1am, doing all the housework, and now it seems fetching you from the pub, looking after the girls while you play golf/cards etc"

what do you think i should do? its too late for the e mail

ninah Mon 08-Aug-05 08:29:53

email sounds perfectly fair to me! grrr

throckenholt Mon 08-Aug-05 08:34:49

sounds like it is time he grew up a bit and started taking his share of the load.

Lonelymum Mon 08-Aug-05 08:35:38

I don't see what you are worried about. It sounds to me like your dh has been very inconsiderate lately and you have just pointed this out to him in what sound like reasonable terms. It would have been better said to his face rather than in an email, but weren,t talking to each other (I have been there many times before!) so you did it the only way you could. I hope he sees it and learns that yours is a partnership and that he can't take advantage of you like he has been.

Fio2 Mon 08-Aug-05 08:35:44

i think youv are being reasonable, he is being selish -you feel taken for granted. sort it out woman

suzywong Mon 08-Aug-05 08:36:02

I think you should have re-written it NP, you should have changed it before you sent it


Arse! that's the last time you spend all bloody weekend in the pub and give me a hard time about it. Sort yourself out and I'll be waiting for your apology"

however, that's easy for me to say but you get what I mean

NomDePlume Mon 08-Aug-05 08:36:35

I don't think the email sounds particularly harsh, tbh, but emailing your DH at work for a 'nag' (as my DH would prob put it) is not the best way to communicate your problems... But then you already realise that...

The content of the email seems pretty fair, so I would stick to my guns. However I would be apologetic about putting them across in an email.

basketcase Mon 08-Aug-05 08:40:10

totally agree. He is being unreasonable and seems to be very unsupportive at the moment. Also think he was taking advantage of your mum on Sat night by staying out even later rather than going home as planned. Time he realised that he he needs to pull his weight and grow up a bit.
Good Luck - maybe a day at work will give him time to calm down, see it from your perspective and come home apologetic

moozoboozo Mon 08-Aug-05 08:40:20

Sounds perfectly fair to me. I find that sending DP an e mail at work when he is being an arse is the best way, as we are in 2 different places and he has time to think about without being all defensive! You aren't nagging him.

And, just for the record, I think I'd probably lose my rag and swear lots

nailpolish Mon 08-Aug-05 08:40:32

i just want him to put his arms around me and say "its ok, i know things are hard for you, i understand" instead of "yeah ok ok ok ok, you work hard, but so do i, ive given you a nice house and 2 children what more do you want?" or "i cant cope with this etc etc etc"

i dont actually want him to do anything (in practical terms) i just want someone to understand

nailpolish Mon 08-Aug-05 08:42:19

the thing about saturday night was my mum had the girls at her house, so she wasnt sitting up waiting to go home once we did, so that was ok

NomDePlume Mon 08-Aug-05 08:43:55

"i dont actually want him to do anything (in practical terms) i just want someone to understand"

Can you tell him that NP ?

NomDePlume Mon 08-Aug-05 08:43:56

"i dont actually want him to do anything (in practical terms) i just want someone to understand"

Can you tell him that NP ?

NomDePlume Mon 08-Aug-05 08:44:14

apols for double post

nailpolish Mon 08-Aug-05 08:45:41

ndp, he doesnt seem to have any emotions just now, he has shut down for some reason. the girls are a lot of work just now and he says he "cant cope" he "cant wait til they are older"

emily05 Mon 08-Aug-05 08:47:30

NP - YOU ARE A SAINT!! I am a tyrant compared to you! I cant believe all that stuff that you do. Dh goes to the pub once a month at the most (partly because we are skint) mainly because by the end of the day and I knackered, so he gets home and takes over with ds. It is nice for them to spend time together and good for me.

Then at weekends I take a step back and dh takes over. It has got to be a team effort. He is doing all the taking and you are doing all of the giving. seriously i am not saying that my approach is better - but if dh was you your dh I would have gone to bed and left him!

I repeat YOU ARE A SAINT!!! You need support, I would have done more than just sent an e-mail

NomDePlume Mon 08-Aug-05 08:48:04

. Unfortunately for him , he can't put his paternity on ice until they become reasonable human beings. Grrrrrrr . He has to realise that he is not a fairweather father, although I'm not entirely sure how you could get that across without shutting him down further...

LittleMissNaughty Mon 08-Aug-05 08:48:18

What you wrote was perfect and I think rather than being annoyed, he will probably take a good look at his behaviour and try to be more considerate in future. Well, hopefully anyway.

nailpolish Mon 08-Aug-05 08:49:30

think i might use that "paternity on ice"

NomDePlume Mon 08-Aug-05 08:50:59


nailpolish Mon 08-Aug-05 08:53:09

what if he doesnt reply?

piffle Mon 08-Aug-05 08:56:58

perfectly fair nailpolish
and he knows it, crikey my dp would not get that opportunity for social life in 3 mths let alone one weekend
I think you're being very reasonable actually

nailpolish Mon 08-Aug-05 08:57:42

emily, im not being funny, but when does your dh get some 'me' time for himself, if you get it in the evening and weekends? how do you work it all out?

nailpolish Mon 08-Aug-05 09:00:47

i said to him yesterday "it would help if you apologised" he just stared into space and didnt say sorry he obviously thinks he didnt need to

emily05 Mon 08-Aug-05 09:04:25

He is doing his MCSE so goes to college twice a week (which he really enjoys) Ds goes to bed at the latest 7.30pm so he has all evening - usually he plays online computer games (which he enjoys for some reason!) the xbox, studys.
He does do stuff on his own, but he chooses to spend time with ds because he works hard (does overtime, study ect)and he doesnt want to miss out on his time with his son. I think that he sees his time with ds as time doing what he wants to do ifswim - he loves it. they go to the park, swimming all sorts of stuff - usually if we see our mates it is as a big group.

It is me that doesnt get much me time to be honest! when dh takes over with ds I have to cram in study, housework, demanding relatives!!

I know that way that we live might be odd but it works for us. WE have been together 10 years and are very happy (although there has been some bumps) we stopped the pub/club stuff when we had ds - mainly due to money and time.
Hope this makes sense!

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