My DH and I are very happy. We love each other, make each other laugh, enjoy parenting together and I know he is the man I will be with until Death Do Us Part. However, our sex life is not great and I am starting to feel very sad that sex will probably never be a big part of my life.
A bit of history: I was raped when I was at university. After that I would tense up whenever men would try and enter me, even when I was keen for them to try. I never managed to have full sex again until I met DH. When we met I did not let him even try and have sex with me for 8 months. For the first four I found excuses and gave him oral sex to try and distract him. He was very patient. Then I felt he deserved to know that he was not the issue so I told him about the rape. He was lovely and never pushed me. Finally I agreed to try and it all went well. That was eight years ago.
Since then we have had enjoyable but unadventurous sex two or three times a month. DH never initiates, it is always me. For several years I was happy with this, I thought he was being considerate in light of my past and I figured neither of us had strong sex drives but we were well matched and equally happy with the frequency. However, in the last couple of years my sex drive has increased and his seems to have decreased. He still never initiates despite a couple of chats when I have encouraged him to.
We had DC2 10 months ago and have had sex only twice since then. Sometimes I hint at it and he pretends not to notice the hint but offers a subtle rebuff (like mentioning how exhausted he is). Last week I told him I regretted how little sex we had and said I wanted more sex, and more sex initiated by him. He said he felt the same but was just too tired at bedtime and wished we would have sex just after the kids' bedtimes. For five nights I have made sure I follow him to our room after the kids' are in bed and have waited for him to then initiate something. He has not done a thing. Tonight I feel so frustrated. I am desperate for him to show some interest and am left feeling undesirable. I am at a loss at what to do now. I do not want to initiate as he is clearly not up for it.
I think I have to accept that sex is never going to be a strength of our relationship. I hear of women who get so much joy from sex and am sad that I am never going to get the chance to be one of those women.
What would you do if you were me?
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Relationships
How can I stop sex becoming a damaging issue between DH and I?
KurtMummegut · 28/08/2009 20:31
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