Is it okay just to be unhappy?

[ABitWrong]

I have told my partner of nearly 15 years that I want to break up.
He didn't want to. He wanted to sort things out, said he would do anything.
He is now being extra nice to the children, so IF he gets to the point of actually moving out, and the children are upset....well, it is all my fault, isn't it?
It is just me.
Because I really don't want to do this any more.
Is that selfish?

[hercules1]

No, not selfish and if it it you are allowed to be selfish. DOn't spend the rest of your life with someone you don't want to be with.

[ABitWrong]

I am no good at these things. I feel as if I am screwing up their lives. He has said that splitting up will be bad for dcs.
But he is not always nice to them.

[mollyroger]

ABW,don't you deserve to be happy?
There are some things in life which might make us unhappy which we have no power to change. But this you can change.

Please trust me - my mum stayed with emotiobnally abusive dh for years and years.
My life might have been turned upside down for a short while if they had split up when I was much younger.
Istead I am facing 40 and still fucked up by some of the crap we were put through by 2 people who should have just accepted they made a mistake, and parted.

[ABitWrong]

I don't know.
Think I will just be painted as evil witch.

And I'm not coping now.

[pinkspottywellies]

Maybe the fact that you've told him you want him to leave has been a wake-up call. He is in the habit of treating you all in a pretty awful way but now that you've told him how bad it is, perhaps he's realised and really is trying.

It sounds like you feel that he's being nice to the children to get at you. Maybe he is. But maybe he had no idea how vile he'd been until it was pointed out.

TBH whatever happens, the children will be upset, to some degree, at some point about thier parents breaking up (my parents split up when I was about 7 and it was never an issue for me until I was 21 and getting married and all sorts of stuff surfaced) If you're unhappy then staying with someone 'for the sake of the children' is the worst thing to do. Then everyone's unhappy.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm waffling about. No, you're not selfish to want out. Not in a bad way anyway. You have to selfish sometimes. You have to look after you, so that you can look after the 4 important people in your life - and they're gorgeous and sparky and fab!

They need you to be ok. So you need to do whatever it takes and if that is getting rid of him, then do it.

((((((((((((((ABW)))))))))))))))

[TigerFeet]

It's not your fault if the kids are upset if he moves out. From things you've said previously it seems he can be quite difficult to live with. I would imagine that splitting up would be good for the dc's in the long run if you are unhappy and he is unpleasant to have around.

Would you/he consider counselling? Perhaps there are things you can discuss before making a permanent split.

[ABitWrong]

I dunno.

I think he is genuinely trying. Which leaves me without a leg to stand on. But I did say it was definitely over.
But then he might just not move out.

[ABitWrong]

Don't want to discuss anything. Just want him to go.
Can't carry on like this

[ABitWrong]

But he said, "Isit so awful living with me?"
What can you say to that?.

[TigerFeet]

How long can he keep it up for? Everyone reverts to type eventually imo.

It says a lot that you had to instigate a break up before he started to make an effort, don't you think?

You do deserve to be happy yourself, you know.

[ILikeToMoveItMoveIt]

No it's not ok to be unhappy.

It will eat away at you, and your children will notice and will eventually understand why.

I cannot tell you whether you should split up or not, you are the only one who can decide that.

But, if your only reason to stay is because of the children then think again.

{{{}}}

[Unlikelyamazonian]

You can say Yes. It's awful. End of. They kjust keep bloody apologising and playing a game don't they. It's rubbish behaviour.

[ABitWrong]

He would want to know what is so awful.
And it probably sounds petty, most of it.

But it is quite a big decision to live with somebody, isn't it? So really a few problems make quite a big difference.

Oh fuck, I just want out.

[pinkspottywellies]

You have to tell him. Sorry but I don't think you can just say 'I want you to move out' with no discussion. I know you want to do it without confrontation but if he says is it so awful living me, say yes. Cause it is. That's why you want rid of him. And tell him why.

[ABitWrong]

we did discuss it a bit

[Boco]

The children need a mother with a decent chance of happiness - they don't need a mother who sacrifices her chances of happiness for them. You can't be with someone you don't love for them, it's not fair on you, him or them. I know it's hard, and it must be scary, but you really do deserve to make this choice and stick to it and to not feel guilty, because you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

[ABitWrong]

but if I say it is awful living with him, then it will be bloody awkward for the god knows how many weeks/months till he moves out

I don't want animosity or awkwardness, just to accept it isover.

[Boco]

Do you think he really has no idea that it's awful living with him? Does he have any self awareness at all? Does he think that he's nice to live with do you think?

[ABitWrong]

so, if the dcs are upset, and daddy says, well this is what mummy wants, it is all her idea, I will just be the evil person forever

[ABitWrong]

He kept asking why. Don't think he does know really, don't know.
I did say his temper was part of it, and he said he would do anger management. But I saidI still wanted to break up.

[Boco]

So does that mean that daddy can be mean to you, and them, and you can do NOTHING about it because you'll always be the baddie? You can't say when enough is enough? They're smart kids, they will understand if not now, then when they're older, that you were very unhappy, that he was not making your life any easier, and that for you to all have a calmer and nicer life, your relationship had to end.

[Boco]

It's good he is willing to do anger management, he should do that anyway, because he'll still be their father when you split up.

[ABitWrong]

I don't know, it;s all swirling. I feel like I am going mad. I can't deal with this.

[TigerFeet]

Do you think he would say that to them? Use them to get at you? It's a pretty low act if he does.

That said, you can't base your own happiness on what someone else may or may not say to your children. WHat ifs will get you nowhere.

He's been unpleasant with the children. There's every chance they will understand why you are asking him to go.

Whatever you decide, life won't be easy for a while. Surely best to base your decision on what will make you all happier in the long run?

[ABitWrong]

I don't know if he will.
But then, I don't know if hewill leave either.

I don't know what is going to happen. I hate not knowing.