lost control during a row with dh

[Cantthinkofanamemum]

name changed as I don't really want dh or ow (if she lurks on here) to read.

Just under a year ago I found out that my dh of 19 years had been having a 2 year affair with a family friend. We decided to try and work things out, it's been hard on me, really hard. Wanted to know the details, but it's nearly destroyed me knowing.
Things have been good, sometimes better than they ever were, other times a lot worse. Dh seems to have now developed a scary temper, quick to explode.This has been more noticable this year. He resents having to show affection to me, but this was part of our agreement of trying again.

I knew things were brewing as he kept giving me dark looks, being a bit snappy. But me being me I had to ask what was wrong, this opened the flood gates and he said that all I had done all day was moan (but could only think of 2 examples of me doing so)and he was sick of having to kiss or cuddle me everyday, that he would rather be dead than have to do this every day. Well I'm ashamed to say I slapped his face.
He was of course really mad now and he doesn't lay a finger on me but knows what to say to hurt me the most and started saying how people hated me, workmates etc.
He then went on to say that he was going to get in touch with ow again (this is the first time he has said this) I was so upset and he was daring me to hit him, by coming right up close, taunting me etc, I knew he wanted me to, but was scared as to where it would lead so instead of lashing out, I spat in his face, twice. After that I stayed in our bedroom and cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I put my arm around him and he shrugged me off and got up . He did not speak to me all day.
Why did I do that, I know when he is pushing my buttons, but I still react. I've made things so unbearable at home again

[TheArmadillo]

"I've made things so unbearable at home again"

So he had an affair, then he absolutely destroyed you with words saying the most awful things and you think it's you that's made it unbearable at home?

He sounds absolutely appalling.

What do you think of the situation?

[Cantthinkofanamemum]

yes I do love him, He says that he wishes that I would have an affair, but then admits that if I did he would not be able to forgive me, or stay with me! but I don't want anyone else, I just want him to want me the same.
When we're getting on it's great, sex has always been good, we never argue about money, like alot of couples we know do.
Right at the beginning we went to relate for 7 weeks, can't say it helped, if anything we used to always have a huge row the night we went.

[Hassled]

It sounds like you've been under unbearable pressure and snapped - not good, but completely understandable. And if you were to write lists of your bad behaviour vs your DH's bad behaviour, who do you think would win? He's behaved like a tosser and doesn't seem to be committed to your marriage - you need to think long and hard about what to do next.

[Cantthinkofanamemum]

He is a cruel bastard, isn't he?
It's just that I think that if I had written that dh had slapped and spat at me, everyone would be disgusted at him, and feel sorry for me. But it was me that lost control.

[MuthaHubbard]

sounds like you are under pressure but also think he's pushing you so that he's not the one to end your relationship. think you need to sit down and decide what you want.

[silvercloud]

i know its hard but he seems to be telling you loud and clear he does not want to be in a loving relationship with you anymore.
In addition,he is angrily telling you so,yet you are blaming youself.
He could be to blame for having the affair or not being definite about leaving you,you could be to blame for desperately trying to stretch something out that isn't there.
Really sorry but it sounds an awful relationship gone very wrong that is over.

[TheProvincialLady]

Obviously your actions were very wrong. No matter what the proviocation, you should not hit or spit.

However, I think that he was doing this on purpose because he wants the relationship to be over on 'his' terms, ie it was over because you hit him, not because he had an affair and doesn't love you any more.

I have read some things on the relationships board before, but honestly this is the most over relationship ever. If you separate now you will retain your dignity and self respect. If you let it drag on he will drag you down much further. IMO.

[Cantthinkofanamemum]

We are stuck in an awful situation regarding our house which we bought 18 months ago, neither of us can afford to keep it seperately, yet due to the market, here in the channel islands no one is getting loans, so we can't even sell up.

I've have lost all my self respect and hate what I've become.

[Greensleeves]

I think he wants your marriage to end

You know you shouldn't have slapped him - but the pain you are in is just radiating from your post, it must be torture

I know it's easy for me to say, but I think you need to let it end. You have a chance of being happy again later on, without him, if you put and end to this now. I can't see how either of you is going to be happy again if you stay together.

So sorry for you, you must feel desolate

[silvercloud]

See a lawyer,and put the house on the market - someone might buy it but not if its not on the market!

You have to start somewhere and this way you can take charge and regain your self respect.

[TheProvincialLady]

Oh dear

Could you live in separate parts of the house until such time as it is possible to sell?

If you acknowledge together that your relationship is over, at least you won't have those unpleasant conversations about wanting/not giving affection etc. You poor, poor thing.

[NormaLeighLucid]

Sounds very simialir to what I experience at the end of my 10 year marriage.

In the end I knew that trying to get him to love me. show affection was pushing him even further away so despite being pregnant and had a 2 year old I decided I couldnt go on being treated in this way.
I was becoming ill with it all and the lack of affection was unbearable and I knew he was thinking about OW all the time which made him feel guilty and in turn couldnt stand to be around me.

We decided he should leave and after a long hard year I started seeing someone else (probably rebound looking back) and he was so jealous and wanted to come back telling me he loved me etc but by then I had had more than enough.

It sounds like he doesnt want it to work, the signs are there and even though it is unbearable to admit it its probably the end and this is just dragging it out.

He is not behaving like someone who wants his marriage to work.

You deserve better, even though you love him.

[Cantthinkofanamemum]

It's going to be year in 2 weeks that I found out about the affair, he has never been truely sorry, only sorry that I found out, as he reckoned he was cooling things down with her anyway. Both my Mum and Dad are dead, I have a brother I barely have any contact with, I have never been one to have close friends, only mates at work. I used to be so very close to my mum and see her most days, dh had already started seeing ow when my mum was ill and we were nursing her, she died of cancer 3 years ago. I haven't told any one about the affair. Everyone thinks we have a great relationship as we are always out together as a family

[Greensleeves]

You've had a bloody awful year

Nursing a sick parent is one of the most stressful things that can happen to you. And I have a sister and a brother I don't see at all - it's a horrible feeling, I feel it's a failure in my life that I carry with me all the time. Then you found out your OH was betraying you - you poor thing, you've had all this shit heaped onto you at the same time and you must be exhausted.

BUT being with somebody who doesn't love you (and doesn't deserve you!) is a surefire way to feel MORE lonely and isolated. Honestly, I think you would feel less lonely and rejected if he just wasn't there. You don't deserve to be rejected and ill-treated in your own home by this arsehole. He is murdering what is left of your self-esteem.

There is nothing wrong with you - you are a normal, nice person to whom appalling things have happened. None of this is your fault.

I don't know much about the logistics of splitting up, but I second whoever said see a solicitor and try to find a way of separating.

[helsbels4]

I don't condone your behaviour towards your dh at all but I can fully appreciate what drove you to it.

From reading your post, it seems blatantly obvious from where I'm sitting that your
(d)h just clearly doesn't love you. Sorry

You said yourself, that he wasn't sorry for having the affair, only sorry that you he was caught out and if he finds it a chore to kiss you and to show affection then there isn't much to build on is there?

I know you still love and want him but I don't think the feeling is mutual and it would just be a matter of time before he cheats on you again. (He's already told you he wants to contact ow again).

I don't know what you can do now with regards to the house but I think that it wouldn't do any harm to consult a solicitor or CAB for some proper advice.

Sorry you are having to face this on top of your loss

[Cantthinkofanamemum]

I'm so confused, he gives me such mixed messages. Things can be so good , it's the relationship I've always wanted, we've even booked to stay at a local hotel in November. then every couple of weeks things blow up. But about 6 weeks ago he's said that he didn't love me. I played it cool that time and after a week he was back to being loving towards me.
He knows I'm finding it hard this month, what with it being a year soon. And I had mentioned that I didn't want to be at home, doing nothing on that day. But he said that he wasn't going to do anything on that day as it's my fault for making anniversaries of things. I also struggled at Christmas, New year and Valentines as I knew what had been happening the previous year, totally unaware. All I needed was a little bit of extra reassurance and affection, not too much to ask for honestly, is it?

[mrsboogie]

It is too much to ask for from someone who doesn't want to give it. I'm sorry
The relationship sounds tortuous for both of you - can it really be any worse to just walk away?
He doesn't want to be with you and his attempt to pretend are making no one happy.

Its time to walk away.

[PremenstrualChickens]

I have to agree with the others This man does not want to be in this relationship, and it certainly isn't doing you any good. If someone had posted on here that their DH had slapped them and spat in their face, everyone would be screaming abuse. A relationship which pushes you to that point has, IMO, crossed a line and for both your sakes should end. Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear

[Cantthinkofanamemum]

Thank you all for your replies.
It makes very hard reading, but I think it's what I already know, but was too scared to admit to.
It hurts so much.

[Greensleeves]

Keep posting, there is lots of moral support and advice here. xx

[CarGirl]

Perhaps you need to tell him to stop being a coward and that if he wants it to be over he needs to move out. I think he wants out but wants to be able to play the victim. The whole time you are being hard to live with he can pretend to himself that the affair was justifiable.

Other than that I'd got back to relate, perhaps you are ready to be honest even if he isn't.

BTW you sound a depressed (quite understandbly) have you seen the dr about that "I hate what I have become"

[dizietsma]

He resents having to show you affection?

Show him the door.

You shouldn't have to grovel for affection, and no-one should feel they ought to show affection when they don't feel it. As far as I can tell the relationship is dead.

I would normally suggest going to Relate, but really it just seems a prolonging of the agony.

You deserve happiness in a relationship with a man who desires and loves you.

He deserves to be in a relationship with someone he loves and desires.

I'm sorry, it just seems so obvious.

[muffle]

I think you need to own up to him that you lost control and apologise for the slap and spitting, as that is abuse.

However, he said some outrageously hurtful things to you and I agree with others, it sounds as if his heart is not in this trying again business. For that to work, he has to be really sorry, he has to really love you, he has to see what a twat he has been and realise how much he has to lose. If that's not how he genuinely feels, then you are having your spirit crushed by living with someone who shrinks from showing you affection and says cruel things to upset you. I really, 100% think you would be so much happier just letting him go, even if it hurts at first.

[dizietsma]

If you can't sell your house, then perhaps you could rent it to cover the mortgage until the market improves? That way you could both move out and move on.

Or you could take in a lodger?