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DH downloading internet on to this phone

(52 Posts)
pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 13:33:05

Why would he do this? We have the internet here? Why would he pay to do this rather than just use our broadband? It cost him £20 last month for 10 downloads, is that a standard cost? or he is downloading something dodgy?

Strange times of the day though?

My immediate reaction (I feel sick) is to be suspicious.

I cant get hold of him so have emailed him at work (I know) to ask what its about.

I know he is going to be cross that I opened his mobile bill. I wish I hadn't but as a result of something on mumsnet, which we had a conversation about, I got suspicious because he was so "on side" with the bloke (who was in the wrong).

There is a bit of history. DH has used sex lines in the past. I know some people might be ok with that but i am not and we almost split up.

I mentioned this last week and he actually denied speaking to someone on the other end, although I know he did, he is trying to make me "remember" differently. He also said it was a "different life", it was only 3 years ago. Again, mumsnet topic made me think of it.

There was something else that I was worried about 18 months ago as our car was seen in a dodgy area but I believed him that he was just smoking. I think I still believe this, I just feel confused.

Sorry if this isnt making sense. I feel sick

If he is downloading dodgy videos then I cant be ok with that, he knows that.

Things havent been brilliant since DD arrived (8 months old) but last night we had a big talk about making an effort etc and I felt really positive. I just dont know why he would be downloading the internet on to his phone.

Am I just paranoid, he could be checking email or something????

He even did it at 5am on our holiday, he had gone a drive to try to get our DD back to sleep.

I shouldnt have looked at the bill, I know. I just wanted to look to check that he doesnt still call sex lines, because of how he reacted when I spoke about it.

It might be nothing????? He will now fall out with me for opening the bill anyway - I do open most bills but not the phone one.

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 13:34:31

if it is nothing, and that can be proven, I think I will go and talk to someone about my trust issues.

I feel guilty for having looked. But sick for not knowing now.

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 13:37:03

How can I know what they are? I might call the phone provider.

He has been saying recently that I am a bit dull in bed (mainly tired).

We are only having sex once every week or 10 days or so, but he doesnt make the effort or seem interested either. I thought we were both just tired.

Maybe its not about sex though?

mum2jakeyroo Thu 25-Sep-08 13:38:32

Why not the phone one though? I would be suspicious too.
It is better to know though surely. There shouldn't be any secrets in a relationship. Hope things work out. x

LadyGlencoraPalliser Thu 25-Sep-08 13:40:29

I think the fact that he doesn't like you opening the phone bill is a warning signal in itself. You need to have a serious conversation with him about this - his past behaviour means that he can't expect you to trust him unquestioningly. Don't let him derail you by getting into the whys and wherefores of you opening his mobile bill - if he has nothing to hide he shouldn't mind you doing so.

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 13:41:52

Thank you

Well the phone one is in his name (its a mobile).

On maternity leave am opening all others (electric etc) to try to file/budget/save money.

I know I opened it to be nosey rather than to do any of that though so it is my fault.

I feel that I would consider leaving (maybe an over reaction) if he is downloading dodgy stuff as that would have been 3 years of lying to me. Whenever I mention anything remotely "seedy" he is very judgemental. If I mention things like facebook sending me random date requests (it does this and I have no idea why) he is disapproving.

If he is downloading anything dodgy I would feel like I didnt know and that how he is on the surface is false?????

mum2jakeyroo Thu 25-Sep-08 13:42:20

I am now dull in bed from having 2 dc and being pg with dc3 but tbh you need to talk it through. My dh does make the effort and gets frustrated but understands when I say no

LadyGlencoraPalliser Thu 25-Sep-08 13:42:20

He is telling the mother of his 8-month-old baby that she is 'a bit dull in bed'. shock He needs his attitude adjusted. How dare he speak to you like that?

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 13:43:34

I think I opened it because of the musmset conversation and also because my friend found out her partner has been cheating when she opened his bills last week, it all plays on your mind when you have trust issues anyway

Oh not again .....

Meeting a new acquaintance at 215pm for tea with our babies, really dont want to go now.

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 13:45:46

I think that I am a bit dull in bed though. He says it in a jokey way.

We had a talk last night and I did point out that he sometimes makes me feel bad but he says (and I believe him) that he really doesnt mean to .....

sad

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 13:47:34

He will be very angry that I have written on here too.

He is quite anti the whole sharing personal issues thing. He says that (on here) we always look for the worst in people (I do that, but cant help it)

Oh got to go ..... just wish that it was clear what the downloads were. Some are at 9am and stuff so surely nothing that dodgy? Others are 10pm ish (when I am in bed and the laptop here is free to use)

LadyGlencoraPalliser Thu 25-Sep-08 13:51:02

You need not tell him that you have written on here. Or does he check your posts?
Hope you manage to work it out and there is a simple explanation. If he has nothing to hide I am sure he won't mind showing you his phone.

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 13:53:22

Thank you

I don't think that he checks but he knows my user name (he took the laptop off me when I was talking to him about the specific post, where he defended the man) and saw my user name.

Have just entered his no in o2 to get details of what he has signed up to and this has back fired as they have now sent a text to his number to confirm the request.

mum2jakeyroo Thu 25-Sep-08 13:56:37

Change your username.

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 13:57:47

he has replied to my email saying that he does not download anything but that it must be internet access (each download is listed in size) - which I have now told him.

And he wants to know why opening mail

MasterDebater Thu 25-Sep-08 14:01:42

I pay £5 per month for the internet on my phone. Maybe hes down loading ringtones or games? I know games can cost £4.99 a time. I do understand how you feel as dp and i went through a very difficult time with sex lines and dating sites via his mobile the most recent time being about 3 months ago. I know the sick feeling sad but he no longer takes his phone anywhere with him, especially not to the bathroom! It didn't cost dp anything on his phone to look at the pictures or videos.

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 14:05:53

It wont be games or ringtones, hes not really in those things. He is just saying its normal internet access and he thought it was free on his phone.

I want to believe him but I don;t

everlong Thu 25-Sep-08 14:16:55

Stop blaming yourself.

He has a history of using sex lines in the past so is hardly pure white is he?

You need to know what he is downloading, if he isn't up to anything he can show what it was and put your mind at rest.

5am in the morning, sorry I would be suspicious, what's that about.

Trust your instinct.

Natacha21 Thu 25-Sep-08 14:19:21

Pamelat,

I have just posted a thread on my DH surfing porn, he lied to me when i faced him with it. Have you opened his bank account ? This is how I found he was spending 100 pounds a month on downloading porn. He would only talk once I cornered him, otherwise he would lie openly and have no problem with it.

I know too well what you feel when you say you are feeling "sick", IT IS sickening!

XXX

LadyGlencoraPalliser Thu 25-Sep-08 14:20:15

Pamela, he sounds like a bully. You need to stand up to him and not let him change the agenda. The issue is that given his past history, he needs to be open with you. The fact that you opened his mobile phone bill is neither here nor there.

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 17:12:56

Thanks all

He has now admitted that he has looked at porn but doesn't think that its an issue?

I feel a bit silly about it being an issue but it is one for me, and the general lying that goes with it?

He says that he is sorry and embarassed but that its hardly a crime.

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 17:39:18

Have decided that maybe I have over reacted???
I know a lot of men look at porn, I think its just that with all the past issues it freaked me out .... ?
Will have a long hard think, maybe its harmless?

dollius Thu 25-Sep-08 19:36:00

Personally I don't think looking at porn is "harmless" for many, varied reasons.

But that has to be your call.

The problem here is that he tried to lie about it, and I wonder why he has a problem with you opening his mobile phone bill. My husband would not bat an eyelid at me opening his phone bill/bank statement/whatever. It would not be an issue.

I would focus on that, really, rather than whether or not you are ok with him looking at porn (something you have made plain to him in the past you are not happy with - does he even respect that in the slightest?)

pamelat Thu 25-Sep-08 20:43:14

He says he is really upset to have let me down but that he doesn't think its a big deal.

Personally, I think that he knows that porn is a big deal to me (have tried to be ok about it), so he is trying to down play it??

I am a bit confused about how I feel.

I have asked him to sleep in the spare room this evening, but we are fairly amicable and have made him a cup of tea. Its quite odd (guess this is marriage for you)

He has said that me and DD are his life and that he would never risk losing us and that he wants me to tell him what would make me happy. The thing is I dont think that you can really change someone? If I say, please dont look at porn, that will be until in a year or so until he does it again?

Am just trying to weigh up whether its worth risking a relationship over, have DD to consider too (she means the world to him).

I just feel that I need to try and be ok about it. Will sleep on it.

Do you know what I mean if I say that the main reasons that I am upset are the lying about it and also because it makes me feel like I don't know him. He says this is silly and that "most" if not "all" men look at porn.

everlong Thu 25-Sep-08 21:12:45

Yes I understand you. It's not the looking at porn it's the lieing that's bothering you.

Why not look at some together?

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