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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it needy to want daily contact when involved with someone?

60 replies

mocca · 02/08/2008 22:11

I'm 50 and split from my ex almost 2 years ago after a particularly horrid betrayal. I think I'm over him though and have been involved with a lovely new man for just over 3 months. He's told me he loves me and I have very strong feelings for him and feel we have a future together - he asked me yesterday what I was doing on New Year's Eve because he wants to plan a trip to Paris.

I find it hard to relax though because I have an overwhelming need to be in some form of daily contact with him - it doesn't have to be a phone call, just a quick text will do. Usually he will contact me but there are some days now when he doesn't and it completely does my head in. I feel very needy about this but can't deny my feelings. I don't really doubt his love so why is it so important? I spoke with him last night for over an hour and it was lovely but now I'm feeling very anxious because I haven't heard from him all day and would love to text him but I'm the one who inititated the phone call last night. I only see him once a fortnight because he lives over 200 miles away and we both have kids so the distance probably has something to do with my need for reassurance. I know this probably all sounds pathetic but I really could do with some advice! Do I say something to him or will that send him running for the hills!

OP posts:

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KerryMum · 02/08/2008 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RuffleTheAnimal · 02/08/2008 22:15

its human nature to run for the hills when someone 'needs' you 'too' badly.

i have been the needy and the needed so can see it from both sides, and lemme tell you, it aint pretty either way.

you need to find something else to fill your time, you cannot fill your entire life with one person. its too much responsibility for them and you stand to lose too much if for any reason they are no longer there for you.

in the kindest possible way; get a grip

expatinscotland · 02/08/2008 22:19

I agree with KM and Ruffle.

Uriel · 02/08/2008 22:24

Well, I think that if you felt really secure in your relationship with him, you wouldn't need the daily reassurance.

It may be that he's not that into you, you sense this subconsciously, which then surfaces as a need to speak to him etc. [not a psychologist emoticon]

As hard as it is, I would try to relax a bit more about this relationship and as Ruffle said, find other things to fill your time and mind - new hobbies, new friends.

RuffleTheAnimal · 02/08/2008 22:25

while you chase him, he'll keep moving in the other direction. you have GOT to back off, or at least stand still, to find out if he's going to chase you right back. youre not giving him the chance.

objectivity · 02/08/2008 22:27

You're not as needy as me but it probably is still in the category 'needy' sorry.

Bet if you don't instigate anything for a day,and dare I say, ignore him for 24 hours he may well up the contact

expatinscotland · 02/08/2008 22:32

it's okay to want it, secretly, but no way would i expect it or initiate it.

sometimes, you can meet up with someone on the same wavelength, and you are both happy with daily contact and meetings and moving things along pretty fast. happened with me and DH and probably why we're still together after 6 years of marriage (we married about 6 weeks after we first met, too).

but that's rare and doesn't seem to be the case here, so i'd go with the flow.

RuffleTheAnimal · 02/08/2008 22:34

you married 6 weeks after meeting expat? really?? cool! were you already in scotland or did you meet elsewhere?

princessglitter · 02/08/2008 22:35

Yes, am needy myself.

RuffleTheAnimal · 02/08/2008 22:37

dp asked me to move in with him less than 2 months after we met. people left right and centre were warning me it was a bad idea... i just nodded and thought 'you really dont know me at all do you?' lolol. or hime for that matter. no less than a month after that we thought it would be really funny to shock everyone by having a baby and a shotgun wedding. so we got me knocked up but then couldnt be arsed to do the wedding. 3 babies and 6 yrs later... we are planning on doing it sometime.

expatinscotland · 02/08/2008 22:41

i was already here.

he was my landlord.

seriously, though, i got the point where i knew what my needs were and if i hooked up with someone and we weren't on the same page, and you just know, then i never got too attached and moved on.

objectivity · 02/08/2008 22:42

Are you a fellow landlord shagger expat?

sorry to put it so indelicately

expatinscotland · 02/08/2008 22:49

thing is, i used to be such a slapper when i moved in.

but with him, we actually talked a lot before shagging.

about what we both wanted out of life and the lot.

the first time we actually slept together was the night after we'd visited the registry office and gotten our wedding date.

it's awful being in a relationship where you want one thing and he wants another.

there's nothing inherently wrong with wanting closeness, if the two of you are reading from the same hymn book.

it's when you're not that frustration and doubt start to creep in.

the only time i could play it cool was if i weren't really interested in the person or if i twigged right away that he and i had different needs/goals/whatever and so it was going to be a fling.

RuffleTheAnimal · 02/08/2008 22:54

yep, if you dont want each other the same amount, youre fucked. basically.

mocca · 02/08/2008 23:25

Thanks - it's good to see that most of you think I am being a bit clingy and it hasn't got much to do with him - I think we basically do want the same things (we've talked a lot) but I've been so hurt in the past that I have a terrible fear of rejection, hence the need for reassurance. Don't want to lose him though, so will try to get a grip.

OP posts:

RuffleTheAnimal · 03/08/2008 09:45

find something really engrossing to do, say, 3 times a week or something.
its hard to to be in touch with someone when youre thinking about them all the time. hope it all goes well for you

mocca · 03/08/2008 13:02

Thanks Ruffle, trying hard to keep occupied today, helping my 8 year old pack as she's going on holiday with her dad for nearly 2 weeks. And working next week and seeing him at the weekend. I've turned off my mobile so I'm not incessantly checking for messages - sounds ridiculous but it helps! Wonder how I might feel if I turn it back on later and he hasn't texted me - do you think it would be OK to text him (after nearly 2 days no contact) just to say hope everything's OK?

OP posts:

RuffleTheAnimal · 03/08/2008 13:25

resist!
think how good it will feel when he initiates contact. it'll be all the pleasue and none of the niggling worries that you might be putting him off with clinginess...

you dont have to be aloof, im not a fan of playing 'games' with feelings... just try not to make him the centre of the universe with nothing else being important... not unless you are BOTH that caught up in each other.

zippitippitoes · 03/08/2008 13:26

i think you need to try and find things to do to help you think a bit less about him when you are apart

i am in a similar position and also get anxious when i feel he hasnt been in touch

but i am absolutely sure that hard as it is you need to keep a bit of independent thinking

but he is looking far ahead and so you really dont need to worry

zippitippitoes · 03/08/2008 13:29

i have partially solved this by playing scrabulous with him

so we usually have a game going and it is contact but not contact lol

RuffleTheAnimal · 03/08/2008 13:33

ah shes a cunning one that zippi

warthog · 03/08/2008 13:47

i agree with getting on with something else. as i've been a recipient of this, i can tell you it's off-putting. i like my space and don't want to feel that i absolutely have to contact someone every day. it's claustrophobic.

it's not that they don't like you, they just get on with other things.

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Janos · 03/08/2008 14:15

Mocca, you are not pathetic!

Agree with others that neediness is very off putting.

That's not to say you are 'wrong' for feeling that way OP. But don't show it.

Find other things to absorb you. Anything at all, even reading a good book. And switch your mobile off or put it in another room!

mocca · 03/08/2008 14:32

Zippi, do tell me what scrabulous is! How much contact do you have with yours? Right now I'm trying to work up the courage to switch my mobile back on after having turned it off at bedtime. So nice to know you girls understand what a nutter I am!

OP posts:

Janos · 03/08/2008 15:19

Hey mocca, you are NOT a nutter! Totally understand where you are coming from. Distraction is the key.

Good for you keeping your phone off - vee impressed

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